A man and woman talking over dinner.
When most people find they have a common interest with someone, especially a person they have just met, they get a little giddy and excited to share their thoughts. However, this could cause trouble if, instead of using the common interest to build rapport, you turn the conversation to yourself.
Daniel Beer, a real estate agent who shares communication strategies on social media, addressed the problem in a recent post. “A quick way for you to break rapport with your clients is that when they start telling you something about their life, ‘Oh, I went to Hawaii. I like this. I like the Yankees.’ … You go, ‘Oh, me too.’ And you start telling them about your experience in Hawaii or with the Yankees or your favorite baseball team. You think you're building rapport, but you're actually not only not building you're breaking it,” Beer says.
“You are breaking rapport as soon as you do that because they finally thought they had an opportunity to do what no one else in their life lets them do, which is to talk about themselves,” beer continued. “And yet you, in an effort to connect, you hijack the conversation and take it and start telling them your story, and now they're like, ‘Alright, well, I guess I can't be heard, even with this person.’”
How to build rapport with people
Karol Ward, LCSW, a confidence and communication consultant and licensed psychotherapist, agrees with Beer. She suggests that when we have something in common with someone, we affirm them by using phrases that show your enthusiasm for the topic.
“Whatever sentence or phrase the person has said, is what you build your affirming response on, so that they know they still have the floor. This requires the willingness to step back from your own need to be heard,” Ward told Upworthy. She also suggests that you allow your new friend to build on their responses by asking open-ended questions that encourage them to give a detailed answer. “Open ended questions gives the other person the opportunity to share more than yes, or no. Then build on their answers using the affirmation technique,” Ward continues.
A man and woman having an intimate chat.via Canva/Photos
How to make a genuine connection with people
Both Beer and Ward’s approach to the topic centers around a big idea that’s backed by research: to make a real connection with someone, it’s better to be interested than interesting. You’ll make a much more positive impression on your new friend if you let them talk about their trip to Hawaii than if you share yours. Or, at least, allow them to say what they’d like to say about Hawaii before adding your two cents about Honolulu.
For some, focusing on being interested in the other person removed a lot of social pressure. You realize you don’t need to wow them with your stories, success, or sense of humor. Instead, realize that people are more likely to remember you and the conversation positively if you show genuine interest and ask many questions. Everyone likes to be heard, especially when talking about things they love, so by listening to them and showing genuine interest, you give them an incredible gift that’s rare these days: undivided attention.