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Pop Culture

What is 'body grief'? Women share what it's like to mourn their former selves.

Watching our bodies change is a natural part of life. But we rarely talk about the complicated feelings that come from that.

body grief
@aleahelizabeth/TikTok,@sami.rose/TikTok

We've all been through it.

It was only yesterday when a friend and I (two women in the 30-to-40-year-old range) were having a conversation, and this friend made more than one wistful comment about being “skinny and sexy” once upon a time.

Her self deprecating jokes were so casual and nonchalant that actual sadness underneath was almost unnoticeable. Almost.

Except I did notice it, because I have it too. That same sense of unease at being a different size that my former younger self. I have it, my friend has it, and nearly every adult woman has it to some degree.

Now we even have a name for it—”body grief.


Author Jayne Mattingly, who first coined the term, defines body grief as “the universal experience of disillusionment, sorrow, and loss that comes with simply existing in a body.”

Body grief basically sums up all the anger, loss, frustration, sorrow, and general sense of mourning that so many women feel from the “loss” of their former body, and the former self it represents.

@jayneimattingly Replying to @olivepfox i am so happy you are here!!! #bodygrief #disabledtiktok #bodygriever #disabledhumour ♬ original sound - Jayne Mattingly

Body grief can manifest in a myriad of ways—growing older, having children, chronic illness or injury, disability, reactions to medications, huge life changes, trauma, stress. And while it often denotes weight gain, plenty of women who lose a lot of weight can feel body grief too.

Sami Rose, an Australian-based counselor and body image coach, spoke about her own challenges with body grief, especially after reaching her goal weight, then gaining the weight back.

“I’d spent all of my teens and all of my 20s having this number in my head, and this body in my head, that I thought was gonna solve all of my problems,” she said.

@sami.rose_ Replying to @eneesece letting go of the thin ideal can be really difficult, and its okay to miss your old body or old life, but i hope this strategy helps shift your perspective 💖 #bodyacceptance #bodygrief #bodyimagecounsellor #counsellor #bodyimagecoach ♬ original sound - Sami Rose • Counsellor + Coach

After losing about 55 pounds, getting all the compliments from her friends, even being told that her abs were “goals,” Rose was still left with the same insecurities. For her, body grief meant “letting go of the thin ideal” and “griev[ing] the notion of what a good body meant to me.”

Rose’s experience is not uncommon. Countless women are sharing their stories of body grief in a new TikTok trend titled #bodygrief, which has reached nearly 880,000 views.

Women like Aleah Elizabeth, who went from being “super skinny” most of her life to gaining 60-70 pounds after taking birth control.

@aleahhelizabeth Its hard ass thing to go through #gainingweight #beingskinny #fy ♬ original sound - aleahelizabeth💗

“I thought I was gonna be a happy girl because the boys like girls who are thick,” she said. “But as I kept gaining the weight, I literally hated my body more and more and more…And then you gain so much weight and everybody around you notices it and talks about it, and then starts to make you feel bad about it. It is the worst thing I think I ever went through in my life.”

Or Eliana Hope, who, two months into postpartum, cried in an REI store after realizing “the body that used to take me up mountain trails is now stretched and loose in all the places it used to be strong.”

@thesamfamm 2 months PP and feeling like it today… Outdoorsy moms, tell me it gets better? #outdoorsymom #nationalparks #rei #parksproject #newmom #youngmoms #bodygrief #postpartumbody #bodyimagestruggles #bodyafterbabies #hikinggirl #girlswhohike @rei @thesamfamm ♬ Into the wild - Cartwright

Honestly, the list goes on and on.

@olivepfox Some thoughts on body grief and reconciling disability #crps #crpsawareness #complexregionalpainsyndrome #crpswarrior #chronicpain #disabled ♬ original sound - olive fox

And just what are we supposed to do about this body grief? For starters, Rose suggests writing down a list of all the things you appreciate about yourself that are completely unrelated to your body.

“I think that can be really special in just rebuilding your identity and proving to yourself that you’re more than just a body,” she says. “That your appearance is a part of you, but it’s not the most important part of you.”

But also, like with all forms of grief, sometimes sharing what you’re going through in a safe space with other people who have been through it, or are going through it too, really helps you process those difficult feelings. And that’s why this TikTok movement is so important. No one should have to go through it alone.

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@elledotmo/TikTok

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Photo by Sam McNamara on Unsplash

Friendship is an important part of leading a fulfilling life.

According to an October 2023 Pew Research Center report, 61% of adults in the U.S. say that having close friends is an essential part of living a fulfilling life—a far higher percentage than those who say the same about being married (23%), having children (26%) or having a lot of money (24%). The research also found that having more friends is linked to being more satisfied with friendships in general. Approximately 81% of people with five or more close friends share they are "completely" or "very" satisfied with their friendships, while 65% of those with one to four close friends say the same.

But what does being satisfied with friendship even mean? What earns someone the label of "friend"? Or more importantly, what does it mean to be a good friend?

We asked our audience what makes someone a good friend, and the responses were interesting. Naturally, there were some common themes, but people also had some diverse ideas about what's important in a friendship.

Some people shared short, sweet lists of traits that are essential in a friendship:

"Caring, loyal, kind and completely non-judgemental." –Annika B.

"Trustworthy, loyal, supportive, flexible, patient, understanding. Caring." – Jonathan S.

"Kind, helpful, supportive and honest." – Marjorie M.

"Conversation and laughter. Kind and caring." – Kathleen M.

"Unconditional love, laughter, and honesty." – Molly H.

"When you are a better person with them than by yourself. And kindness ❤️" – Gillian N.

"They know how to really listen without judging." – Bernadette C.

two women sitting on a couch laughing

Friends laugh together.

Photo by Surface on Unsplash

Others offered a bit more detail:

"Being able to pick up where you left off even if some time has passed and it feels like no time has passed. Someone who will give you straight advice, but love you even if you don't follow it." – Melissa O.

"Someone you can talk honestly with, belly laugh with, but also just sit in silence with…knowing they just get you." – Lori T.

"Someone non judgemental who loves you even when you’ve struggled to love yourself. Someone who loves you unconditionally despite your flaws." – Sue H.

two people hugging

Friends comfort one another.

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez 🇨🇦 on Unsplash

"Kind, supportive, dependable, wants to spend time together, someone you can laugh and cry with. There on your important days, and in your time of need. And you have to be all those things for them in return." – Della D.

"They get you, allow you to be who you are, laugh with you, cry with you, no matter time or distance - you just pick up where you left off, they back you up - even when you’re not there to defend yourself." – Zan M.

"Honesty, kindness, understanding, ability to disagree without anger, trust, willing to tell each other hard truth with love, forgiveness." – Deborah H.

"They fill a need you have. There are many different kinds of friends. Childhood friends ,School friends, work friends, church friends etc...they all play a special role in your life." – Elizabeth B.

two women with their hands over each other's eyes

Friends don't judge.

Photo by Sam McNamara on Unsplash

And finally, some people offered specific details and personal anecdotes about their friendships:

"Sharing common interest and really caring about each other. listening is very important not just speaking to each other. My best friend of 60 years passed away a couple of years ago and I cannot tell you how much I miss her and her nonjudgmental friendship." – Carole J.

"Someone who supports you publicly and tells you hard truths privately, who cheerleads your successes and empathises your lows, who trusts you and you them. Who loves you flaws and all - but all of this you reciprocate in being a good friend. Time flies together and even after months apart you pick up like it was yesterday. Who you want to tell your big news too and your bad news too first." – Elsa P.

"Has great sense of humour, shared interests & values, compassionate, empathic, kind, doesn’t try to 'fix' me, doesn’t minimize my lived experiences as 'not so bad,' able to listen without judgment, and allows me to be there for them." – Linda H.

three older people walking arm in arm

Friends are there through thick and thin.

Photo by Philippe Leone on Unsplash

"I don’t know, sometimes they just love you, even when you don’t want them too. You have to acknowledge them, they don’t ask for anything just want to be with you. I have a 30 yr friendship because she didn’t give up on me. I came to realize she was more forgiving and accepted me for just me. She’s not too kind, sometimes selfish but she’s there, when you get older you also accept and understand no one is perfect and if you get mad at everyone you might wind up without friends we start dying off or in old age homes. We are who we are, just love each other flaws and all. Annoying things find a way to keep friendship, not awful bad things. You guys know what I mean." – Ney C.

"Someone who knows they can call you at 2 AM, and you can do the same. Someone you house and dog sit for, whose dogs come to greet you when they hear the garage door open and who happily sit on you. Someone that refused to let you pay for Lyft to get to chemotherapy appointments, but took you each time, checked on you afterwards, brought food knowing that you didn’t feel like cooking, visited to talk about all kinds of things, and just was there for you when you were feeling the considerable side effects of chemotherapy." – Yaca A.

We all need people in our lives we can depend on, share our joys and sorrows with, and support in return. And if we have a hard time making friends, we can always rely on the wisdom of preschoolers to remind us of the basic building blocks of friendship.

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@sappoop/TikTok, @finneyfrog/TikTok

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