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Therapist lists benefits of having an anxious attachment style, validating people everywhere

"No one's producing an HBO series about securely attached people."

attachment style; therapy speak; anxious attachment style; mental health; TikTok mental health
Keira Burton|Canva and Jeff Guenther|TikTok

Therapist lists benefits of having an anxious attachment style.

"Therapy speak" or "psychobabble" has infiltrated the daily lives of average citizens thanks to social media apps like TikTok and Instagram. Everyone seems to be an expert on something, and terms get thrown around with a very loose understanding of their actual meaning, which can cause confusion.

Chatter about knowing your "attachment style" has been making the rounds as of late. There seems to be a belief that if you know other people's attachment styles then you can better understand their behaviors and pick a more compatible partner if you're on the market. The problem is, attachment style isn't everything. It doesn't tell you everything. It's not even a very good predictor of your potential as a mate.

Attachment styles are simply part of a whole. Imagine a car being a whole person and attachment style being the doors. Are the doors important? Sure. Do they make up the entire car? No. Can you drive a car safely without doors? Hello, Jeep Wranglers.

The thing about people obsessing over new words, phrases or concepts they've learned from an influencer who went to therapy with their own layman's understanding is that some things get a gold star while others are deemed evil. There are four basic attachment styles: secure, anxious, avoidant and fearful. Of those four basic styles, there are multiple different subsections such as anxious-avoidant or disorganized-fearful.

This is why attempting to pin down or diagnose your own or your potential partner's attachment style isn't particularly advisable without the help of a professional. But that doesn't stop social media from doing the social media thing and declaring one attachment style king and the others unfortunate tragedies to take pity on. Everyone wants to stake claim on having a secure attachment style as a sort of badge of honor for not having childhood trauma or being well-adjusted.

But Jeff Guenther, LPC, takes a moment to highlight the benefits of having an anxious attachment style and simultaneously creates a collective sigh of relief for those who may have felt shame in holding that title.

Guenther starts the video off by validating the viewer, explaining that having an anxious attachment style isn't the person's fault.

"It's the fault of the environment that you grew up in. It's because you have parents or caregivers that were inconsistent with their love and attention," Guenther says. "It's because you were taught that love was something you had to fight for, not something that was freely given."

He goes on to explain that, if given the choice, people would opt for a secure attachment style and jokes that, "No one's producing an HBO series about securely attached people." They aren't, because that would lack a significant amount of drama, trauma and character arc. But Guenther doesn't stop at the explanation of an anxious attachment style; he lists benefits of being someone with an anxious attachment style, starting with being excellent at bedroom adult activities.

@therapyjeff

It’s not your fault that you have an anxious attachment style. #therapytiktok #mentalhealth #relationshiptips #dating #anxiousattachment #anxiousattachmentstyle

"You possess a level of emotional intelligence that makes everyone jealous. Your dedication is off the charts. Your ability to read your partner and be there for them is unparalleled," Guenther says.

The list goes on and a quick peek into the comment section let's you know his video was much needed.

"This is so sweet to hear. Every anxious attachment video I see is calling us the problem that needs to be fixed and adjusted," one person writes.

"Thank you for bringing positivity to this. I have felt like I'm supposed to cure who I am for way too long," another commenter writes.

No matter your attachment style, it's just a part of who you are, not the entirety of your being. Thanks to Guenther, those who have been concerned about possibly having anxious attachment can breathe a little freer knowing what that attachment style can bring to the table.

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Mental Health

Motivation expert explains how two simple words can free you from taking things personally

You don't need to take responsibility for everything and everyone.

via TEDx SF/Flickr and TEDx SF/Flickr

Mel Robbins making a TED Talk.

Towards the end of The Beatles’ illustrious but brief career, Paul McCartney wrote “Let it Be,” a song about finding peace by letting events take their natural course. It was a sentiment that seemed to mirror the feeling of resignation the band had with its imminent demise.

The bittersweet song has had an appeal that has lasted generations, and that may be because it reflects an essential psychological concept: the locus of control. “It’s about understanding where our influence ends and accepting that some things are beyond our control,” Jennifer Chappell Marsh, a marriage and family therapist, told The Huffington Post. “We can’t control others, so instead, we should focus on our own actions and responses.”

This idea of giving up control (or the illusion of it) when it does us no good was perfectly distilled into two words that everyone can understand: "Let Them." This is officially known as the “Let Them” theory. Podcast host, author, motivational speaker and former lawyer Mel Robbins explained this theory perfectly in a vial Instagram video posted in May 2023.

“I just heard about this thing called the ‘Let Them Theory,’ I freaking love this,” Robbins starts the video.

“If your friends are not inviting you out to brunch this weekend, let them. If the person that you're really attracted to is not interested in a commitment, let them. If your kids do not want to get up and go to that thing with you this week, let them.” Robbins says in the clip. “So much time and energy is wasted on forcing other people to match our expectations.”

“If they’re not showing up how you want them to show up, do not try to force them to change; let them be themselves because they are revealing who they are to you. Just let them – and then you get to choose what you do next,” she continued.

The phrase is a great one to keep in your mental health tool kit because it’s a reminder that, for the most part, we can’t control other people. And if we can, is it worth wasting the emotional energy? Especially when we can allow people to behave as they wish and then we can react to them however we choose?

@melrobbins

Stop wasting energy on trying to get other people to meet YOUR expectations. Instead, try using the “Let Them Theory.” 💥 Listen now on the #melrobbinspodcast!! “The “Let Them Theory”: A Life Changing Mindset Hack That 15 Million People Can’t Stop Talking About” 🔗 in bio #melrobbins #letthemtheory #letgo #lettinggo #podcast #podcastepisode

How you respond to their behavior can significantly impact how they treat you in the future.

It’s also incredibly freeing to relieve yourself of the responsibility of changing people or feeling responsible for their actions. As the old Polish proverb goes, “Not my circus, not my monkeys.”

“Yes! It’s much like a concept propelled by the book ‘The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F**k.’ Save your energy and set your boundaries accordingly. It’s realizing that we only have “control” over ourselves and it’s so freeing,” one viewer wrote.

“Let It Be” brought Paul McCartney solace as he dealt with losing his band in a very public breakup. The same state of mind can help all of us, whether it’s dealing with parents living in the past, friends who change and you don’t feel like you know them anymore, or someone who cuts you off in traffic because they’re in a huge rush to go who knows where.

The moment someone gets on your nerves and you feel a jolt of anxiety run up your back, take a big breath and say, “Let them.”

let them theory, let it be, paul mccartney, the beatles, exhalethe beatles wave GIFGiphy

This article originally appeared last year.

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This kindergarten class wrote a spring song, and it’s the sweetest thing you’ll hear today

When children get the chance to create, they make magic.

Photo credit: Canva

A delightful ode to creating magic.

In a heartwarming TikTok video that’s making waves across the Internet, a class of young children perform the original song they wrote to honor the beginning of spring. “This is a song we wrote together as a class,” teacher Rodney Tristan (a singer-songwriter based in Seattle, Washington), explains before strumming a few chords and leading the class in their charming performance.

It’s a delightful ode to spring, with lyrics like, "When it is spring, we'll be outside with smiles so wide" and "When it is spring, we'll be outside, we'll play in the sun." They class sings with wide-eyed enthusiasm, their faces beaming with pride.

The power of creative jamming

The heartwarming performance isn’t the only thing that makes this video special. It’s the collaborative process behind it, the fact that this piece of art could happen with input from everyone in the class. When children create together, whether that’s song, story, acting, painting, dance, or other art, they develop crucial life skills and lay the groundwork for a fulfilling adult life later on.

Soviet psychologist Lev Vygotsky (1896-1934) researched children’s learning in social and cultural contexts, particularly the importance of social interactions in a child’s cognitive development. According to Vygotsky’s 2004 paper, “Imagination and Creativity in Childhood,” he believed that creativity comes alive whenever human activity produces something new—from something as grand as a symphony, to a rock with googly eyes glued onto it. He also believed that creativity is a gift that exists in all people—not just adults, but very young children, too.

"Creativity is scientifically linked to cognitive, emotional, and social development in children. Creativity arises from accumulating diverse experiences, enabling children to synthesize ideas and make novel discoveries." - Lev Vygotsky

Vygotsky would have absolutely loved the children’s song to spring since it exemplifies the collaborative creativity he championed. By working together on the lyrics and then performing it for an audience, these kids were having more than fun: without even knowing it, they were building neural pathways for critical thinking and adaptability.

Brain, neurons, synapses, firing, creativityCreating leads to neural pathways for critical thinking. Photo by Hal Gatewood on Unsplash


It’s about the journey, not final product

Another thing that's absolutely beautiful about this video is the fact that teacher Tristan highlights that this song was a collective effort—a project whose joys lie not with the performance itself, but with writing, practicing, and collaborating on the song as active creators.

This highlights the difference between "process art" and "product art." While "product art" is all about skill development (adults give step-by-step instructions with the expectation that they will be followed directly), "process art" centers around the creative experience. This type of creativity allows the child to create with little to no direction and allows space for self-discovery and freedom. The process becomes relaxed and free of pressure, giving the child the opportunity to enjoy creating and to feel proud of their efforts no matter how the final piece turns out.


Music, children, creativity, process, growing upIt's all about enjoying the process. Photo credit: Canva

Creative expression and its early childhood power

When kids create art together, the limits are boundless. A cardboard box becomes a rocket ship. The inside of a family home can turn into a prestigious art gallery with just enough imagination. What sounds like gibberish to adults could be an entirely new language for kids. When children engage their brains and practice creativity, they:

  • Develop problem-learning skills through experimentation
  • Learn to express their complex emotions in healthy ways
  • Practice collaboration and negotiation
  • Start to build confidence in their skills, abilities, and ideas
  • Experience the universal joy of creating something unique and original

The Learning Through Play initiative notes, "Creativity is instinctive in children—and just as essential in adults. Children flex it instinctively: everything is new to them and they spend every waking second working—and playing—hard at connecting the dots between their experiences, ideas, and imagination."

Nurturing creativity at home

Child, art, creating, creativity, artwork. Fostering a creative space starts at home. Photo credit: Canva

Are you inspired by this delightful classroom collaboration? According to the Kids Care Club, here are ways that parents, teachers, and others can encourage creativity in the young ones around them:

  1. Ask open-ended questions that prompt them to think deeply and imaginatively.
    1. “What do you think would happen if…?”
    2. “How else could we solve this problem?”
    3. “Can you think of a different way to use this object?”
  2. Create an environment that encourages exploration
    1. Open-ended play areas with diverse, fun materials
    2. Displaying their art and creative projects with pride
    3. Making art supplies, building blocks, and dress-up clothes readily available
    4. Creating cozy spaces for reading and imaginative play
    5. Allow for unstructured playtime
  3. Encourage process over product
    1. Praise effort and innovative thinking rather than just the final product
    2. Encourage children to explain their creative choices
    3. Provide opportunities for children to revisit and refine their creations
  4. Add in music and movement
    1. Daily music sessions with singing and dancing
    2. Providing instruments for exploration and creation
    3. Encouraging children to create their own songs or dance routines
  5. Think outside of the box
    1. Use storytelling and dramatic play
    2. Limit screen time
    3. Embrace nature.

The creative process is messy with children and adults. So the next time you’re tempted to remind your child to “color inside the lines” or “play the correct way,” try taking a step back. It might be time to present them with the gift of creating something truly their own, or collaboratively, like this inspiring classroom so beautifully did. The results might surprise you.

Kid, children, pointing, having fun, kids Who knows? Your kid might surprise you.Giphy

Family

Woman who traveled abroad for 2 weeks realizes why she can't marry an American man

"I'm actually embarrassed to talk about this."

via Canva/Photos

A woman holding back her laughter.

One of the biggest topics in parenting these days is the mental and physical drain that comes with being the default parent in a family. The default parent is the one who is first in line when it comes to taking responsibility for parenting duties, whether that means making doctor’s appointments, ensuring the homework is done, or making sure the child has enough socks to make it through the week.

Being the default parent can lead to fatigue and burnout, and the parent can experience incredible anxiety when their attention turns away from the household or family. The situation is even worse when the default parent’s partner only does the bare minimum. Unfortunately, in American society, fathers are often the parents who do just enough to get by and are praised for it.

The notion that men don’t have to pull their equal weight in American family life is so ingrained that when Emma Hughes, a travel nanny with over one year of experience in childcare and family support, visited Sweden for two weeks, she experienced extreme culture shock.


"I've been in Sweden now and I think I've been ruined for American men," the 24-year-old said in a viral Instagram video. "Specifically raising a child with an American man in America, because these Scandinavian dads? Chef's kiss …"

"I'm actually embarrassed to talk about this because all of the observations that I've made have really revealed to me how deeply ingrained [expletive] dads have become like in my brain, and it's just like the default,” she continued.

The notion that fathers only have to do the bare minimum was so ingrained in Hughes’ psyche that she couldn’t understand seeing so many involved fathers in Sweden.

sweden, swedish dad, swedish fathers, soccer, swedish childA dad playing soccer with his child.via Canva/Photos

"When I see more dads pushing their strollers in the park on a Saturday morning than moms, what does my brain think … That's weird, there is something abnormal about that,” Hughes said. “When I see dads at the grocery store with their kids. When I see dads out at restaurants or in public. It is so deeply telling of a lot of subconscious stuff that I have going on in my brain after working with so many families."

She said that even the best dads she's worked with in America would be considered the "Scandinavian bare minimum." She applauded one Swedish father who purchased a new size of diapers for his baby without being told to do so by his partner.

swedes, swedish couple, scandanavia, swedish flag, happy swedesA couple holding up the Swedish flag.via Canva/Photos

"Like I watched a Swedish dad go to the grocery store and come home with like four bags of groceries and in that trip he had bought size two diapers for a baby that had previously been wearing size one and was ready to move into size two but that conversation had not happened between the mom and the dad,” she said.

Given Swedish dads' dedication towards their parenting responsibilities, it’s fair to assume that their partners are much happier and stress-free than those in the States. But what about their kids? Researchers at the United Nations who studied “child well-being in rich countries” found that Swedish fathers also ranked high by their children. The survey asked children in 28 countries if it was easy to talk to their dads, and while 67% of children in the study said their parents were easy to talk to, Swedish fathers scored higher at 72.4%. Meanwhile, the U.S ranked 25, out of 28, at just 59.7%.

sweden, swedish dad, swedish fathers, swedish child, dad reading note, A Swedish dad reading a note. via Canva/Photos

Ultimately, Hughes makes an important point that Scandinavian men have set a high bar for being fathers and that American men need to step up. The positive sign is that in America, the discussion around default parenting has been getting louder and louder, and hopefully, that will prompt more American men and women to set higher expectations so that one day, American men can catch Sweden’s.

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Joy

Woman having a terrible day asks the universe for help. It responded with baby goats.

Here's why they were precisely what she needed.

via Canva/Photos

A woman having a bad day and a baby goat.

Some days, you feel like you shouldn’t even get out of bed. They happen to everyone, but no matter how bad things get, we can’t let them ruin the rest of the day. Eliza Lieberman, a therapist from North Carolina, was having a challenging day recently, and her openness to letting everything go paved the way for a magical experience.

“I cannot believe what just happened. I was having a pretty shi**y day, and I just, like, needed a win,” she said in a TikTok video with over 300,000 views. “And I'm driving to my workout class, this guy pulls up next to me, and I have this bumper sticker,” she says before cutting to a photo of her car with a "I STOP FOR GOATS" bumper sticker. Katherine cared for goats on a farm as a teenager, so she has a special place in her heart for them.

“So this guy pulls up next to me, and he's like, ‘I saw your bumper sticker. And I actually have baby goats in the back of my truck right now. And I'm taking them to my office to let my co-workers meet them if you wanna come see them,” she recalled.

@elizalieberman

the universe is looking out for me fr !!!! I got his contact info so I can go play with them :,) 💘🫂🐐💕 #goats #goat #goatsoftiktok #kismet #storytime #fate

At this point, Lieberman had a conundrum: Should she follow a random stranger who promises her he has baby goats or turn down the offer? His offer sounded a lot like the adult version of a predator asking a child to come with him to find a lost puppy. However, Lieberman felt she had nothing to lose and followed his truck to his office.

“Goats randomly became a big part of my personality,” she told People. “I asked if I could follow him, and he said yes. My partner stayed on the phone the whole time, joking, ‘Don’t get kidnapped!’ But honestly, baby goats seemed like a pretty extreme kidnapping tactic.”

baby goats, goats, farm animals, hay goats eating, tiny goatsTwo baby goats eating. via Jonathan Mast/Unsplash

When they arrived at the man’s office, his co-workers were waiting to meet the baby goats. “And I watch him open his trunk and baby goats come out,” she says in the video. “I feel like this is the kind of story that no one would believe if I didn't have evidence.”

"The universe is looking out for me!" she captioned her video.

Folks in the comments agreed that the promise of seeing baby goats seemed more than a little bit sketchy, but they supported Lieberman’s decision to follow her bliss. “A man telling me he has baby goats in the back of his truck is how I’d be kidnapped,” one viewer wrote. “I mean, parents always warned us about strangers with candy, not goats, so fair game,” Another added.

baby goats, goats, farm animals, hay goats eating, tiny goatsTwo goats relaxing.via Neil Daftary/Unsplash

The story is a great reminder that a day that starts as terrible, no-good, and horrible could turn on a dime into something extraordinary. For Lieberman, the story is a wonderful reminder to keep yourself open to joy because it could happen at any minute.

“There were so many reasons why I could’ve said no or stayed cautious, but letting go of control and being open to unplanned events led to one of the best things that’s happened to me,” she told People. “It’s proof that good things can come when you least expect them.”

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Kids

Selfless kid spends his birthday gift cards on his little brother. Sibling wholesomeness ensues.

"If you strike out, you're paying me back!"

nickyf511/Instagram

Older brother spends his birthday gift cards to buy younger brother dream baseball bat.

Big brothers are like heroes to little brothers. Everything they do and say, they look up to. For Instagrammer Nicole F (@nickyf511), her son Sebastian showed exactly why he deserves the title in his little brother Lucas' eyes.

In a sweet video shared on social media, Nicole captured a heartwarming moment between the two brothers while out shopping. Nicole shares that it is Sebastian's birthday, and he's received a few gift cards to the sports store they are shopping at. But instead of buying himself something for his big day, he chooses to do something selfless and generous. Sebastian decides to spend his birthday gift cards on Lucas for a baseball bat that he has been dreaming of getting for a long time.

"Using his birthday gift cards ON his own bday to buy his brother the bat he has wanted for a long time," she captioned the post.

In the video, Sebastian walks towards Lucas, who is holding a baseball bat that has a cool wooden pencil design, to reveal his surprise. "Yo Lucas! I'm buying it for you," he tells his little brother, who replies, "Are you for real?" And Sebastian absolutely is. "Yeah, pinky promise!" he says to Lucas as the brothers link pinkies.

Lucas is ecstatic and hugs his brother. Sebastian has got jokes, and ribs his brother with, "You better hit though! You strike out, you're paying me back," he says with a big smile. Lucas is totally overjoyed, and says, "Thank you so much!" to which Sebastian responds, "No problem, buddy."

In another clip, Lucas is talking to his mom and can't contain his excitement. He tells her, "I'm so happy! I'll do anything to get him something if he wants something," he says, acknowledging Sebastian's generosity.

Nicole is an extremely proud parents and turns the camera to Sebastian to say, "You're a good brother, buddy." Lucas continues to freak out over his new baseball bat, saying, "It's so beautiful! I can't wait to go to practice. Final decision. It's so beautiful."

In the next clip, they go up to the store's register where Sebastian starts to pay for the baseball bat using a few different gift cards. When he's finished, Lucas gives him another big hug and thanks him once again.

baseball, brothers, birthday gift, brotherly love, older brother, little brotherWheelingu GIF by WU CardinalsGiphy

The brothers, who both share a love for baseball, clearly have a special bond. Viewers on social media are touched by Sebastian's sweet gesture:

"I’m crying. 🥹 the look in big bro’s eyes says it all. He’ll be his number one fan for life.💙 good job mom + dad 🫶🏻."

"Big bro standing a little taller after that move. 💙💙"

"Good job young man.. Good job... Little brother will remember that moment for the rest of his life!!! And I bet even hits a couple dingers!!!"

"😭 this is more beautiful than the bat!!! What kind hearted little dudes. My mom heart is bursting over here."

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