“What they want is dishonest harmony rather than honest conflict.”
There are certainly many things the Boomer parents generally did right when raising their kids. Teaching them the importance of manners and respect. That actions do, in fact, have consequences. That a little manners go a long way…all of these things are truly good values to instill in kids.
But—and we are speaking in broad strokes here—being able to openly discuss difficult feelings was not one of the skills passed down by this generation. And many Gen X and millennial kids can sadly attest to this. This is why the term “dishonest harmony” is giving many folks of this age group some relief. They finally have a term to describe the lack of emotional validation they needed throughout childhood to save face.
Psychologists define the "dishonest harmony" approach as maintaining a façade of peace and harmony at the expense of addressing underlying issues. Parents who practice disharmony prioritize appearance over authenticity and are known to avoid conflict and sweep problems under the rug.
In a video posted to TikTok, a woman named Angela Baker begins by saying, “Fellow Gen X and millennials, let's talk about our parents and their need for dishonest harmony.”
@parkrosepermaculture Replying to @Joe Namath #boomerparents #toxicparent #harmony #genx #millennial #badparenting #conflict #nocontact
Barker, who thankfully did not experience this phenomenon growing up, but says her husband “certainly” did, shared that when she’s tried to discuss this topic, the typical response she’d get from Boomers would be to “Stop talking about it. We don't need to hear about it. Move on. Be quiet.”
And it’s this attitude that’s at the core of dishonest harmony.
“What that’s showing is their lack of ability to handle the distress that they feel when we talk openly about uncomfortable things,” she says. “What they want is dishonest harmony rather than honest conflict. Keep quiet about these hard issues. Suppress your pain, suppress your trauma. Definitely don't talk openly about it so that you can learn to heal and break the cycle,” she continues. “What matters most is that we have the appearance of harmony, even if there's nothing harmonious under the surface.”
An older woman on her laptop. via Canva/Photos
Barker concludes by theorizing that it was this need to promote a certain facade that created most of the toxic parenting choices of that time period.
“The desire of boomer parents to have this perception that everything was sweet and hunky dory, rather than prioritizing the needs of their kids, is what drove a lot of the toxic parenting we experienced.”
Barker’s video made others feel so seen, as clearly indicated by the comments.
“How did I not hear about dishonest harmony until now? This describes my family dynamic to a T. And if you disrespect that illusion, you are automatically labeled as the problem. It’s frustrating,” one person wrote.
“THANK YOU SO MUCH! I'm a 49 yo biker sitting in my bedroom crying right now. You just put a name to my darkness!” added another
A happy older couple. via Canva/Photos
Many shared how they were refusing to repeat the cycle.
One wrote, “This is EXACTLY my family dynamic. I’m the problem because I won’t remain quiet. Not anymore. Not again.”
“I love when my kids tell me what I did wrong. It gives me a chance to acknowledge and apologize. Everyone wants to be heard,” said another.
Of course, no parenting style is perfect. And all parents are working with the current ideals of the time, their own inner programming and their inherent need to course correct child raising problems of the previous generation. Gen Alpha parents will probably cringe at certain parenting styles currently considered in vogue. It’s all part of the process.
But hopefully one thing we have learned as a collective is that true change happens when we summon the courage to have difficult conversations.
This article originally appeared last year.
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Gen X (left) Gen Z (Right)
There's something to be said about the now well documented sibling dynamic between Millennials and Gen Z. But before that bond existed, many Millennials grew up with Gen X siblings, learning early on not to disturb the sleeping bear.
Unfortunately, some folks in the younger generation, i.e Gen Z, didn't get this memo. One brave...or naive Gen Zer decided to declare that Gen X is "the worst generation" seemingly unprompted.
Young Padawan, Gen X minds their business grumbling through life unless someone summons them. We don't summon them.
Yoda is not happy about this. media2.giphy.com
In a stitched video, millennial Laura High gave a succinct cliff's notes version of why it's best to not speak negative thoughts on Gen X aloud.
"I love Gen X. We all love Gen X...we all love Gen X," she said before bringing the camera close enough to whisper.
"Ok here's the thing, you do not seem to understand who Gen X is, okay? Gen X is Boomers if they knew how to turn a document into a PDF, okay. They do not Karen out. They get quiet and they get revenge," she warned.
The millennial then shared the secret kept by her generation: "we do not summon the latchkey kids unless it's our literal only last resort." She advised the unknowing Gen Zer to go to the edge of the woods to leave offerings to appease any Gen Xers that would likely be offended by the video. Commenters agreed with her sentiment.
"There is a reason millennials leave Gen X alone, and they learned it the hard way. My fellow Gen Z’s will learn soon… very soon," one commenter said..
"Elder Gen Z raised by two Gen X parents. I do NOT back the younger half of Gen Z on this. I’m running into the woods on their behalf and leaving Ferris Bueller for my dad and a DQ blizzard for my mom," another echoed.
"Last thing she will hear from the woods, Red Rover Red Rover, we call Karen Hashtag over," said a third.
If you've never played Red Rover with Gen Xers, just know you were lucky to have your head still attached to your shoulders after the game was over. There were no tears allowed and no telling your parents, they were gone anyway. In shot: Gne Xers are ruthless, and it's best not to cross them. Seriously.
Thankfully, Gen Xers are also open to peace offerings. Here are a few of their suggestions:
"I will accept ding dongs (in original foil) and a VHS of “the last star fighter” I will also except a mix tape if it include at mix of metal, new wave, and Yaz,"
"We will also accept any of the original Star Wars trilogy, Star Trek 2, Raiders, or Die Hard…though John Hughes films will likely will be the safest choice."
Moral of the story: tread lightly Gen Z. Tread very lightly. If you hear someone clinking together empty glass Coke bottles outside your door, do not come out and play. It's a trap.
If looks could kill…media3.giphy.com
This article originally appeared last year.
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Photo credit: Canva
Gen Zer asks how people got around without GPS, Gen X responds
It's easy to forget what life was like before cell phones fit in your pocket and Google could tell you the meaning of life in less than .2 seconds. Gen Z is the first generation to be born after technology began to move faster than most people can blink. They never had to deal with the slow speeds and loud noises of dial up internet.
In fact, most people that fall in the Gen Z category have no idea that their parents burned music on a CD thinking that was peak mix tape technology. Oh, how wrong they were. Now songs live in a cloud but somehow come out of your phone without having to purchase the entire album or wait until the radio station plays the song so you can record it.
But Gen Z has never lived that struggle so the idea of things they consider to be basic parts of life not existing are baffling to them.
One self professed Gen Zer, a woman named Aneisha, took to social media to ask a question that has been burning on her mind–how did people travel before GPS?
People used to have actual maps in their cars. Photo by Tabea Schimpf on Unsplash
Now, if you're older than Gen Z–whose oldest members are just 27 years old–then you likely know the answer to the young whippersnapper's question. But even some Millennials had trouble answering Aneisha's question.
Aneisha asks in her video, "Okay, serious question. How did people get around before the GPS? Like, did you guys actually pull a map and like draw lines to your destination? But then how does that work when you're driving by yourself, trying to hold up the map and drive? I know it's Gen Z of me but I kind of want to know."
Watch Aneisha pose the adorably sincere question here:
@aneishaaaaaaaaaaa I hope this reaches the right people, i want to know
Even when most Millennials were starting to drive, they had some form of internet to download turn-by-turn directions, so it makes sense that the cohort between Gen Z and Gen X would direct Aneisha to Mapquest — a primitive early ancestor of Google Maps.
"we'd have to print step by step directions from MapQuest and hope for the best" one commenter wrote.
It's true, you're not really a millennial if you've never driven around with a stack of loose Mapquest pages floating around your car. If you were lucky, you had a passenger to read them off to you. "Drive half a mile and turn left on Elm Street!" It was a stressful time, for sure. God help you if the pages got mixed up or if you went off track somewhere. Even with a printed map and directions there was no guidance for finding your way back to the proper route.
We used to literally chart out long road trips on a physical map before departing.Giphy
But there was a time before imaginary tiny pirates lived inside of computer screens to point you in the right direction and tales from those times are reserved for Gen X.
Mapquest, by some standards, was an incredible luxury made possible by the internet. So the generation known for practically raising themselves chimed in, not only to sarcastically tell Millennials to sit down but to set the record straight on what travel was like before the invention of the internet. Someone clearly unamused by younger folks' suggestion shares, "The people saying mapquest. There was a time before the internet kids."
Others are a little more helpful, like one person who writes, "You mentally note landmarks, intersections. Pretty easy actually," they continue. "stop at a gas station, open map in the store, ($4.99), put it back (free)."
"Believe it or not, yes we did use maps back then. We look at it before we leave, then take small glances to see what exits to take," someone says, which leaves Aneisha in disbelief, replying, "That's crazyy, I can't even read a map."
It's a good idea to keep a local map in your car, even today! In case of emergency, you never know when it might come in handy. Learning how to read it, however, might take a little time for folks who didn't grow up using non-digital maps. (Many young people are confident in their ability to read maps based on their heavy GPS usage, but something tells me those skills won't translate to the big according-style paper maps.)
Some users added that you could often call your destination (or friend or family member) and write down careful directions before you left. If you've ever visited a venue or business' website and seen general directions depending on which direction you're traveling from, you get the idea.
"Pulled over and asked the guy at the gas station," one person writes as another chimes in under the comment, "and then ask the guy down the street to make sure you told me right."
Imagine being a gas station attendant in the 90s while also being directionally challenged. Was that part of the hiring process, memorizing directions for when customers came in angry or crying because they were lost? Not knowing where you were going before the invention of the internet was also a bit of a brain exercise laced with exposure therapy for those with anxiety. There were no cell phones so if you were lost no one who cared about you would know until you could find a payphone to check in. Imagine that!
The world is so overly connected today that the idea of not being able to simply share your location with loved ones and "Ask Siri" when you've gotten turned around on your route seems dystopian.
Google Maps shows crucial information about natural disasters like wildfiresGiphy
But in actuality, if you took a few teens from 1993 and plopped them into 2024 they'd think they were living inside of a sci-fi movie awaiting aliens to invade.
Technology has made our lives infinitely easier and nearly unrecognizable from the future most could've imagined before the year 2000, so it's not Gen Z's fault that they're unaware of how the "before times" were. They're simply a product of their generation.
Some would say that having a rough geographical understanding of your local area, aka being able to navigate around without GPS, is a lost art that kept our brains and wits sharper. On the other hand, using Google Maps even for simple trips to everyday stops helps us avoid accidents and traffic and give people our near-exact ETA. It also delivers crucial real-time information about wildfires, natural disasters, and more. Who's to say if one way is really better or worse?
This article originally appeared one year ago.