Making friends isn’t always easy for kids, but it’s pretty straightforward. Kid friendships usually start with something like, “Hey, cool bike.” Or “Hey, want to run across the field with me?” Or “Hey, let’s pretend [fill in imaginary scenario].” If the other kid responds positively, boom, you’re friends.
If only it were that simple for grown-ups. Making friends in adulthood can be tough, and for some it might feel impossible. There are several reasons for that, but let’s start with one that may be easier to change than you might think.
The “liking gap”
One reason it can be hard to make friends as an adult is that we fear feeling rejected. Are other adults even looking for new friends? Will they like us enough to want to become our friend?
That fear may itself be the problem, or at least part of it. Researchers who studied people talking to strangers in various settings found that “following interactions, people systematically underestimated how much their conversation partners liked them and enjoyed their company.” In other words, people tend to be more likable than they think. The study’s authors called this illusion the “liking gap.”
If you chat with someone and come away thinking they didn’t enjoy it, you may have fallen into the liking gap. “Our studies suggest that after people have conversations, they are liked more than they know,” the researchers wrote.
What’s the solution? Another phenomenon known as the “acceptance prophecy,” which is based on research showing that when we believe others are going to like us, we tend to be more open and warm in our behavior toward them—thereby making them like us. The reverse is also true. When we think people won’t like us, we’re more closed off. It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy: when we think we’re likable, we behave in more likable ways, leading others to like us.
Essentially, we close the liking gap by seeing ourselves as likable. That may be harder than it sounds in practice, but it’s a pretty simple fix. (If you can convince your brain to cooperate, of course.)
But what about the harder problems to solve?
The time and energy problem
One of the biggest obstacles to making friends as an adult is simply time. Between work, family, keeping a home in order, taking care of our health, and everything else, grown-up life is busy. And yet, many adults yearn for more friend connections in the free time they do have.
Then there’s the energy question. “After a long workday, the idea of a night out with friends may not sound as appealing as it once did,” wrote psychologist Loren Soeiro. “This energy shortage can also make it difficult for friends to sustain their bonds: When both people feel depleted, neither is likely to take the initiative.”
How do we make or maintain friendships when we’re so often short on time and energy?
Adult friendships are more complex
What formed the basis of friendships in our childhood may not be sufficient to sustain a friendship in adulthood. Shared interests, or simply enjoying someone’s company, are often how friendships begin. But is that enough to overcome the time and energy constraints that make friendship harder?
As Emma Barr, LPA, pointed out, they may not be: “What becomes more important are character traits like dependability, supportiveness, or loyalty. Those are things that aren’t immediately self-evident. That can make it hard to tell if this is a person you really want to be friends with.”
We have fewer shared experiences baked into daily life
When we’re young, much of our day is structured around group experiences like school and after-school activities. In adulthood, our work might be a group experience, but it might not be. Many people work from home, which makes forming friendships at work difficult. Some people belong to churches or religious groups and might be able to form friendships there. Beyond that, much of adult life is individually oriented. We simply don’t have as many structured social experiences as we did when we were young.
How to be better at grown-up friendship
Friendships can be complicated, but there are some ways to make and maintain them better:
Be the one to reach out
“Don’t wait for others to suggest socializing opportunities,” Soeiro wrote. “You may wish your old friends would reach out to you, but the odds are your friends harbor the same wishes, the same needs. Break the logjam by initiating plans yourself.”
Be honest about wanting to keep friendships up
As adults, sometimes the best bet is to refresh the friendships you already have, especially if they’ve begun to fade.
“Because your friends probably also think their peers have more friends than they do, it makes sense to talk about the problem,” Soeiro wrote. “Letting them know you want your friendships to stay strong, or that you sometimes feel distant, can help normalize these feelings. (Remember, when you can share your vulnerability and feel accepted in return, relationships grow stronger.)”
Adjust your expectations
Therapist Kati Morton shared that as she’s gotten older, she’s felt like every friendship needs to be a deep, sisterly relationship.
“That’s just not possible,” she said. “And so I have to almost recalibrate my own brain to be like, no, it’s okay to have different friends for different reasons. We can have a friend that is helpful at work. We can have a friend who is great for holding us accountable to go to our yoga class or go walking. We can have a friend as part of our book group.”
Don’t let social media fool you
It’s easy to see people posting pictures of friend hangouts and assume that everyone else is better at friendship than we are.
Soeiro described findings from researcher Kristine Lehman, saying she “noted that on apps like Instagram, other people appear to have more friendships, and more satisfying ones, than we do. This perception can heighten a sense of FOMO, magnifying our feelings of shame and isolation.”
Give it time
As kids, forming a friendship may have been as simple as asking, “Want to be friends?” As adults, the process isn’t so cut and dried.
“Allow the process to take time,” Barr wrote. “A friend is someone you trust, but trust takes time to build. You may find that there isn’t a moment where you went from not being friends to being friends; people tend to grow on us slowly.”
Grown-up friendships may be trickier, but they are no less valuable than those we made as kids.
