+
upworthy
Health

Empathy expert Brené Brown shares hilarious story with poignant message about blaming

Brown has a knack for sharing personal anecdotes that nail universal themes for us all.

brene brown, blame, empathy
upload.wikimedia.org Credit: BBearg Team

We've all had a "Damn you, Steve!" moment

Brené Brown has something important (and interesting) to teach us about blaming — something you might not have considered before.

You can watch the video at the end of the article: But here is the quick recap.

She begins with a funny story depicting the first time she realized the extent to which she was a "blamer."

She's in her house, wearing white pants, drinking a big ol' cup of coffee. Then, all of a sudden...

...and the very first thing that comes out of her mouth, without hesitation?

Yup. That's right: "Damn you, Steve."




You see, Steve is Brené's husband. And he came home a little bit later than expected last night. As a result, she went to bed later than usual and therefore needed a second cup of coffee this morning ... a cup of coffee she ended up spilling all over herself. Because Steve.

Oh, dear. Poor Steve.

Brené explains why she reacted this way — why so many of us are quick to find someone or something to blame when we're frustrated.

"How many of you go that place when a bad thing happens? The first thing you want to know is whose fault is it.
I'd rather it be my fault than no one's fault. Because why? Why? Because it gives us some semblance of control."
"Here is what we know from the research. Blame is simply the discharging of discomfort and pain. It has an inverse relationship with accountability. Accountability by definition is a vulnerable process. It means me calling you and saying, 'Hey my feelings were really hurt about this.' And talking is not blaming. Blaming is simply a way that we discharge anger."
"People who blame a lot seldom have the tenacity and grit toactually hold people accountable. Because we've spent all of our energy raging for 15 seconds and figuring out whose fault something is."
"Blaming is very corrosive in relationships, and it's one of the reasons we miss our opportunities for empathy."

Let's recap: Blaming is essentially unleashing our anger, pain, and discomfort onto whatever we can find (e.g., Steve) to make us feel more in control ... when, in reality, that's the opposite of what happens.

Instead of gaining control, we are losing the ability to have happy, healthy, and empathetic relationships.

That's huge. And definitely something that I'll remind myself of the next time I start to say, "Look what you made me do."

If you want to share this video with your friends, go for it. But if that's not your style, I don't blame you.

This article originally appeared on 02.20.15

Family

Dad takes 7-week paternity leave after his second child is born and is stunned by the results

"These past seven weeks really opened up my eyes on how the household has actually ran, and 110% of that is because of my wife."

@ustheremingtons/TikTok

There's a lot to be gleaned from this.

Participating in paternity leave offers fathers so much more than an opportunity to bond with their new kids. It also allows them to help around the house and take on domestic responsibilities that many new mothers have to face alone…while also tending to a newborn.

All in all, it enables couples to handle the daunting new chapter as a team, making it less stressful on both parties. Or at least equally stressful on both parties. Democracy!

TikTok creator and dad Caleb Remington, from the popular account @ustheremingtons, confesses that for baby number one, he wasn’t able to take a “single day of paternity leave.”

This time around, for baby number two, Remington had the privilege of taking seven weeks off (to be clear—his employer offered four weeks, and he used an additional three weeks of PTO).

The time off changed Remington’s entire outlook on parenting, and his insights are something all parents could probably use.

Keep ReadingShow less

Millenial names are now "old" names.

You can’t turn back the hands of time and so it’s impossible to avoid being labeled “old” by younger generations, no matter how hard you try. For many of us, our names are tied to the times when we were born and can start to sound really dated, no matter how fashionable they were at one point.

TikTokker Amber Cimotti found this out the hard way when her daughter noted that she has an “old” person's name.

“My daughter told me the name Ashley or Amanda — or my name is Amber — are like old people names and I never thought about it this way,” Amber explained in a video with over 3 million views.

Keep ReadingShow less

Christine Kesteloo has one big problem living on a cruise ship.

A lot of folks would love to trade lives with Christine Kesteloo. Her husband is the Chief Engineer on a cruise ship, so she gets to live on the boat pretty much for free as the “wife on board.” For Christine, life is a lot like living on a permanent vacation.

“I live on a cruise ship for half the year with my husband, and it's often as glamorous as it sounds,” she told Insider. “After all, I don't cook, clean, make my bed, do laundry or pay for food.“

Living an all-inclusive lifestyle seems like paradise, but it has some drawbacks. Having access to all-you-can-eat food all day long can really have an effect on one’s waistline. Kesteloo admits that living on a cruise ship takes a lot of self-discipline because the temptation is always right under her nose.

Keep ReadingShow less

Woman shows her misbehaving cat to 'the trenches'

You always hear about a "bad dog," giving the furry goofballs a reputation for getting into mischief, but what about bad cats. Not all cats are angels just lounging around the house until someone gives them food while fanning them with a giant palm leaf. Some cats have a sketchy "catigree" and every once in a while they let that wild streak show. When that happens, what is a cat owner to do?

A cat mom that goes by the user name Lambo Licia on Instagram posted a video showing exactly how she gets her cat in line when he's misbehaving. No, it's not with a spray bottle. She shows him what life is like in "the trenches." You know, the area of town where homeless cats roam and cat burglars have real whiskers and thumbs that don't work, leaving a strange fish smell wherever they lurk.

If Scared Straight: Cat Edition was an actual thing, Mega, the orange tabby would be the first to turn his life around. He looks absolutely petrified from all of the unruly cat behavior he sees out the window and his mom's commentary.

Keep ReadingShow less
Science

College students use AI to decode ancient scroll burned in Mount Vesuvius

“Some of these texts could completely rewrite the history of key periods of the ancient world."

When Mount Vesuvius erupted in 79 C.E., it buried entire cities in volcanic materials. While Pompeii is the most famous site affected by the natural disaster, the nearby villa of Herculaneum was also laid to waste—including over 800 precious scrolls found inside Herculaneum’s library, which were carbonized by the heat, making them impossible to open and recover their contents.

Which brings us to the Vesuvius challenge, started by computer scientist Brent Seales and entrepreneurs Nat Friedman and Daniel Gross in March 2023. The contest would award $1 million in prizes to whoever could use machine learning to successfully read from the scrolls without damaging them.

On February 5, the prize-winning team was announced.
Keep ReadingShow less
Keith Allison/Wikimedia Commons

Shaquille O'Neal retired from pro basketball in 2011, but he's still one of the most famous players ever.

Fame comes with a lot of challenges, but it also comes with some pretty obvious perks. There's the money that frequently follows fame, of course, but there's also the special treatment people automatically offer you.

Some famous folks might revel in that special treatment and some might even express gratitude for it. But occasionally, you find a celebrity who refuses it altogether.

Take basketball legend Shaquille O'Neal, for instance.

Keep ReadingShow less