+
Family

As a therapist, here are the three rules I give my sons to combat toxic behavior

If it makes you angry, research it.

toxic masculinity; rules; boys; boy mom
Photo by Shawnee D on Unsplash

As a therapist, here are three rules I give my sons.

Most parents aim to raise good humans no matter their gender, but sometimes society comes in and muddies the water a bit. You can't turn on a device without reading words like "gentle parenting" or "toxic masculinity." A wild guess tells me that most people don't want to raise boys that grow up to fall into the category of toxic masculinity, but there don't seem to be many instructions on how to prevent it.

I won't pretend that I have all the answers and I don't want this to read as a humble brag because kids have a way of nevering like they never did before when we dare to say, "my child would never." It's just science. Well, maybe not science, but definitely an anecdotal observation.


What I can tell you is the things I've been doing to help combat the temptations of toxic masculinity. I have three boys, two of whom are teenagers, and while I would never say never, I can say they have been praised by teachers and authority figures. I've also been asked what I do differently, so I figured I'd share.

I'll admit, it's a little hard for me to pinpoint because I've instilled these messages in my boys since their birth, so they're not things I give much thought to anymore. But to identify what I do differently, I enlisted the help of my sons and, lucky for me and hopefully you, they gave me a list of three key differences they notice.

1. If it shocks you or makes you angry, research it.

If there's one thing that tends to make people more empathetic humans it's education. A lot of times people react emotionally when they hear something they don't believe or that's upsetting. Instead of stewing in the anger and digging their heels in, my boys know how to research whatever the issue is using nonbiased phrases.

Four young people sitting on bridge over of body of water.Photo by Sammie Chaffin on Unsplash

An example of this is when my 14-year-old shocked the snot out of me by saying that most women falsely accuse men of assault. This was really upsetting to him to "know" because, of course, he didn't want to be falsely accused of anything. I didn't get upset, I only asked where he got the information and empathized how hearing that could make him feel. Once we got the feelings out of the way, I pointed him to Google and showed him what reputable sites looked like. We even talked about using Google Scholar.

Education makes things less scary and helps people unlearn myths or give context to inflammatory information they read on the internet.

2. Everyone experiences every emotion. Feel them, express them and talk it out.

Boys can experience other emotions outside of anger and happiness. I encourage my kids to name their emotions and to express them, whether it's at me because I've messed up or just in general. Once the feeling is named and expressed, let's get down to whatever the underlying emotion was. Sometimes it turns out to be disappointment and not sadness, or embarrassment, not anger.

If we can name the actual feeling, we can talk it out. They can find ways to address the issue that caused the feeling or take responsibility if it's something they did. Walking them through the whole process takes practice but it's worth it in the end because then they can effectively express their feelings to peers, partners or teachers all while remaining respectful.

Young man wearing brown jacket sitting near gray link fencePhoto by Eliott Reyna on Unsplash
3. Speak up even when it's hard.

Speaking up covers a lot of ground. It's not just about calling out injustices when they see them. When I talk to my sons about using their voices, we talk about consent and what it looks like to properly ask for affirmative consent. It also covers speaking up when you witness inappropriate behaviors toward girls and vice versa.

When my 17-year-old was in middle school, he had instances where this lesson came in handy. On one occasion, the school bus was being loaded at the end of the day and after my son took his seat, he noticed two boys grabbing at a girl's behind as she told them to stop. He spoke up then informed the bus driver and principal of what happened.

While these three "rules" are helpful in combating toxic masculinity, they're also helpful to teach all children. Kids are influenced by what they see outside of their homes and on the internet, and if parents can be the counterbalance, we can all put good humans out into the world.

Our home, from space.

Sixty-one years ago, Yuri Gagarin became the first human to make it into space and probably the first to experience what scientists now call the "overview effect." This change occurs when people see the world from far above and notice that it’s a place where “borders are invisible, where racial, religious and economic strife are nowhere to be seen.”

The overview effect makes man’s squabbles with one another seem incredibly petty and presents the planet as it truly is, one interconnected organism.

Keep ReadingShow less
@keepingalfoatwiththejoneses/Instagram

Inexpensive and tranquil…what's not to like?

Saving money and living comfortably don’t always go hand in hand, but people do find ways to accomplish it. Sometimes all it takes is thinking a little outside the box—getting a job that allows you to travel the world or swapping out a traditional mortgage for more creative, less costly home ideas.

Take this couple in North Carolina, for example, who gave up living on land to move into a floating cabin and apparently saved $27,500 annually by doing so.

According to Good News Network, Sarah Spiro, 27, and her boyfriend, Brandon Jones, 40, break down the math: Their one-bedroom floating home, which they bought in March 2021, originally cost less than $30,000. The pair then spent two months and $23,000 renovating, for a total initial investment of less than $50,000. And now, they pay $2,500 a year to live on the lake. Yes, you read that right. $2,500 a year. They used to pay that much per month on their combined individual rents.

Obviously, it was a “no brainer,” said Spiro.

Keep ReadingShow less
@allbelongco/TikTok

How bizarre, how bizarre.

It should go without saying that it’s not cool to steal from your Airbnb. But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t still happen.

However, when one Airbnb host recently discovered a guest had—for some strange reason—stolen one of her paintings, then replaced it with a completely different painting, she decided to make the best out of a very uncool situation by sharing the story on TikTok.

As a result, viewers got to witness an continuously unraveling, truly bizarre modern-day art heist.

Okay, let’s get into it.

Keep ReadingShow less
@katherout/TikTok

Just another unsolved mystery

Who doesn’t like a good mystery?

A video creator known as @katherout certainly does. At the gym Kath frequents, there’s a whiteboard with a revolving prompt with simple questions like “What are you listening to?” or “What city were you born in?” Gym goers then write their responses anonymously on the board.

Kath recently became enthralled—and tickled—by a person who somehow manage to write the word “monke” (as in the word describing a group of monkeys, apparently) on every single one of their answers.

Keep ReadingShow less

11-year-old girl is the youngest opera singer in the world.

The majority of 11-year-olds are perfectly content balancing the pre-teen life with Barbie dolls and tinted lipgloss. But one pre-teen is busy breaking records. Victory Brinker is an 11-year-old opera prodigy who was entered into the Guinness Book of World Records as the world's youngest opera singer in 2019 when she was almost 8 years old.

If you like opera—or even if you don't—hearing her vocal range of three octaves and voice control is impressive. When it comes to singing, control of your breath, pitch and tone can be difficult, especially when you're without years of classical training. Victory's skill is so impressive that when she appeared on America's Got Talent last year, she was given the "golden buzzer," which sends you straight to the finalist round in Hollywood.

Keep ReadingShow less

Brianna Greenfield makes nachos for her husband.

A viral video showing a woman preparing nachos for her "picky" spouse after he refused to eat the salmon dinner she cooked has sparked a contentious debate on TikTok. The video was shared on April 26 by Brianna Greenfield (@themamabrianna on TikTok) and has since earned over 2.5 million views.

Brianna is a mother of two who lives in Iowa.

The video starts with Brianna grating a massive hunk of cheese with a caption that reads: “My husband didn’t eat the dinner that I made…So let’s make him some nachos.”

“If I don’t feed him, he literally won’t eat,” she wrote. “This used to irritate me. Now I just blame his mother for never making him try salmon,” Greenfield wrote. The video features Meghan Trainor’s single “Mother” playing in the background.

Keep ReadingShow less