People share their favorite witty insults that are full of punch but still family-friendly
"Oscar Wilde: 'Some people bring joy wherever they go. Others, whenever.'"
You never now when these might come in handy.
Mark Twain once said that "under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer." And many folks might be inclined to agree. After all, studies suggest that people in the U.S. alone generally swear around 16 to 21 times a day.
Swearing can offer some cathartic release and even be a little fun and mischievous, but now that it has become so commonplace, perhaps the more fun option is to take a more linguistic route.
Take, for instance, insulting someone. Shakespeare nearly single-handedly proved that jabs need not use any swear words at all to be endlessly satisfying: "He has not so much brain as ear-wax," "I'll beat thee, but I would infect my hands," "Thou cream-faced loon!" C'mon, those insults took more than just anger. They're the product of masterful wordplay and wit.
He even created the original "yo mama" joke with the line, "Villain, I have done thy mother!"
All this is to say: swearing has its place, but there are plenty of alternatives that are also works of art. Case in point: the answers that poured in after someone on Reddit asked, "What's your best non-swearing insult?"
Keep scrolling for some of the most hard-hitting, multifaceted, and downright genius favorites submitted by Redditors.
Literary classics and pop culture gems
Quotable. Memeable. Devastating.
“Oscar Wilde: ‘Some people bring joy wherever they go. Others, whenever.’”
“Comes from Stassi Schroeder on [Vanderpump Villa]: ‘The only thing that I have holding me back right now is that I have self-respect and dignity. Thank God for Kristen, who is unburdened by those anchors.’”
“My English teacher senior year of high school said she called someone a whited sepulcher. That was over 30 years ago and I still remember it as the best insult.”
This one comes from Matthew 23:27 of the King James Bible, which reads: "Woe unto you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! for ye are like unto whited sepulchres, which indeed appear beautiful outward, but are within full of dead men’s bones, and of all uncleanness."
“Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries.”
Big shoutout to the person in the comments who explained the origin behind this Monty Python gem:
“Hamsters breed A LOT…they can be pregnant again within 24 hours of giving birth, and they are not picky about their partners. The elderberry thing was…supposedly it was a cheap or inferior wine…Basically, [it’s] saying your mom is a ho, and your dad is a drunk.”
Savage backhanded compliments and polite brutality
Bonus points if they're delivered with a smile.
“I love the confidence you shouldn’t have.”
“You have the confidence of someone who's never been burdened by self-awareness.”
"I envy the simplicity of your perspective.”
“You seem to have mistaken me for someone who cares what you think.”
“‘I would like to say that you look nice, ' Betty White."
Intelligence-based (but still PG) putdowns
There are infinite ways to question someone's brainpower without swearing.
“If you were any simpler, you would need to be watered twice a week.”
“You could trip over a wireless signal.”
“My Dad once, “I swear y’all have the collective IQ of a turnip.’”
“I have neither the time nor the crayons to explain this to you.”
“Here in the south, we say ‘Couldn't pour water out of a boot if the instructions were on the heel.’”
"His train of thought is still boarding at the station."
“You think you're a wit, but you're only halfway there.”
"Wisdom has been chasing you your entire life, but you have always been faster."
To this last one, someone replied:
“I’ve heard this said directly to someone, and it went over their head. He said, ‘thanks! I did track & field all through middle and high school!’”
Workplace & competence burns
Especially effective in group chats.
“Thanks for helping, it was like doing it by myself, but harder.”
“Having you on the job is like having 2 good men on sick leave.”
“The bar was on the floor… and you brought a shovel.”
"We have something in common... neither of us knows what you are talking about".
“You have all the impact of a feather falling.”
“Well, you did your best, and that’s what’s so sad.”
Jabs that insult a person's general existence
Why not hurt someone on an existential level?
“You’re the human version of ‘error 404.’”
“You’re like a pop-up ad, nobody asked for you.”
“I envy the people who never met you.”
“Settle down, Satan.”
“Mr. Rogers would not want to be your neighbour.”
“You look like you brush your teeth with both hands.”
Delightfully petty zingers
Dang, trees and pets were brought into this.
"May you have the day you deserve."
“Hope your pillow is always warm on both sides.”
“Somewhere out there is a tree solely responsible for replacing the oxygen you waste.”
"Your dog wags his tail when you leave the house."
“I would agree with you, but then we would both be wrong.”
Mildly unhinged, but oh-so effective wisecracks
So strange, they circle back to genius.
“I was put in Facebook jail years ago for calling somebody an ‘ignorant potato,’ and it’s now my favorite insult.”
“I knew…a British dude who made up gibberish words to call people he despised. My favorite word of his was tugumpular bulbous.”
“My uncle used to call people, ‘you moldy mound of malodorous monkey muck!’“
“LINT LICKER.”
“When it was raining [whatever quality they lack], you had an umbrella.”
“Go eat a bag of beans.”
In a 4-day model, kids often (but not always) receive less instructional time. Photo by 
A young woman on a job interview.via 
A young woman on a job interview.via 