How a simple moment between mother and toddler became an important body positivity lesson.
“Mummy, I hafta pee!”
My freshly potty trained two year old dashed into the bathroom where I was blow drying my hair, tugging at her pajama pants as she ran. I set the blow dryer on the counter, scooped her up, and rushed to the toilet, unwilling to test the urgency of her declaration for even a second longer than necessary.
As she settled onto the seat, she leaned over to peer into the bowl and asked, “Why my bum-bum big?” Only milliseconds passed between her question and my answer, but it was enough to consciously think of the natural rebuttal, “Your bum isn’t big!”
Instead I heard myself saying, “Everyone’s bum-bum is big.” I paused for a moment before adding, “God made them nice and soft so they’re comfy to sit on.”
As she finished her business, what I’d said suddenly dawned on me, and I realized that perhaps I had stumbled upon something important.
My daughter is two. She has not developed any body image issues yet.
To her, a body is a body is a body, regardless of how big or small, cushy or bony, light or dark.
The questions she asks and the statements she makes are out of pure observation and curiosity. She notices that her brothers don’t share her anatomy, that her mommy’s skin is red and freckled, that her bum-bum is big. She does not see these things as imperfections. They simply are and she wants to know why.
I could easily have responded to her question that morning by exclaiming, “Your bum isn’t big!” But what would it have accomplished? My little girl is smart and only a few such statements would teach her to believe that having a big bum must be undesirable.
Instead, I focused on what she was really saying. Regardless of how fat or thin we are, our butts take up a good portion of our bodies. They’re round and they stick out a little. Yes, some are bigger than others, but we all have them and to a two year old, they all look big.
Our culture loves to talk about body image.
About the problem of girls making themselves sick to try to look perfect. About the fact that photos of models are airbrushed and photoshopped almost beyond recognition.
Perhaps the conversation needs to change.
Maybe instead of reading into every comment made about our bodies, we need to take such statements at face value and realize that an observation is not necessarily an insult. Maybe instead of trying to bolster our daughters’ self-esteem by telling them, “You’re not fat!”, we need to remind them (and ourselves) that healthy people come in all shapes and sizes.
Maybe we should start looking at our bodies as amazing creations instead of as things in need of constant tweaking to meet a made up ideal.
I’m sure I’ll fall into old habits again.
But if my daughter catches me bemoaning my lost boobs, I’ll try to remember to tell her how they nourished three incredible people. And if she spots me examining my face in despair, I’ll do my best to stop and explain all the varied abilities of skin.
And when the day comes, as I’m sure it will, when she asks me if her butt is big, I may not tell her that it is, but I won’t tell her that it isn’t either. Instead I’ll tell her that it’s exactly the way it’s supposed to be.
12 non-threatening leadership strategies for women
We mustn't hurt a man's feelings.
Men and the feels.
Note: This an excerpt is from Sarah Cooper's book, How to Be Successful Without Hurting Men's Feelings.
In this fast-paced business world, female leaders need to make sure they're not perceived as pushy, aggressive, or competent.
One way to do that is to alter your leadership style to account for the fragile male ego.
Should men accept powerful women and not feel threatened by them? Yes. Is that asking too much?
IS IT?
Sorry, I didn't mean to get aggressive there. Anyhoo, here are twelve non-threatening leadership strategies for women.
Encourage.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
When setting a deadline, ask your coworker what he thinks of doing something, instead of just asking him to get it done. This makes him feel less like you're telling him what to do and more like you care about his opinions.
Sharing ideas.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
When sharing your ideas, overconfidence is a killer. You don't want your male coworkers to think you're getting all uppity. Instead, downplay your ideas as just "thinking out loud," "throwing something out there," or sharing something "dumb," "random," or "crazy."
Email requests.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
Pepper your emails with exclamation marks and emojis so you don't come across as too clear or direct. Your lack of efficient communication will make you seem more approachable.
Idea sharing.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
If a male coworker steals your idea in a meeting, thank him for it. Give him kudos for how he explained your idea so clearly. And let's face it, no one might've ever heard it if he hadn't repeated it.
Sexism.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
When you hear a sexist comment, the awkward laugh is key. Practice your awkward laugh at home, with your friends and family, and in the mirror. Make sure you sound truly delighted even as your soul is dying inside.
Mansplain.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
Men love explaining things. But when he's explaining something and you already know that, it might be tempting to say, "I already know that." Instead, have him explain it to you over and over again. It will make him feel useful and will give you some time to think about how to avoid him in the future.
Mistakes.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
Pointing out a mistake is always risky so it's important to always apologize for noticing the mistake and then make sure that no one thinks you're too sure about it. People will appreciate your "hey what do I know?!" sensibilities.
Promotions.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
Asking your manager for a promotion could make you seem power- hungry, opportunistic, and transparent. Instead, ask a male coworker to vouch for you. Have your coworker tell your manager you'd be great for the role even though you don't really want it. This will make you more likely to actually get that promotion.
Rude.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
Sometimes not everyone is properly introduced at the start of a meeting. Don't take it personally even if it happens to you all the time, and certainly don't stop the meeting from moving forward to introduce yourself. Sending a quick note afterward is the best way to introduce yourself without seeming too self-important.
Interruptions.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
When you get interrupted, you might be tempted to just continue talking or even ask if you can finish what you were saying. This is treacherous territory. Instead, simply stop talking. The path of least resistance is silence.
Collaboration.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
When collaborating with a man, type using only one finger. Skill and speed are very off-putting.
Disagreements.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
When all else fails, wear a mustache so everyone sees you as more man-like. This will cancel out any need to change your leadership style. In fact, you may even get a quick promotion!
In conclusion...
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
Many women have discovered the secret power of non-threatening leadership. We call it a "secret power" because no one else actually knows about it. We keep our power hidden within ourselves so that it doesn't frighten and intimidate others. That's what makes us the true unsung heroes of the corporate world.
About the Author: Sarah Cooper
Sarah Cooper is a writer, comedian, and author of 100 Tricks to Appear Smart in Meetings. Her new book, How to Be Successful Without Hurting Men's Feelings, is out now.
The comedic book cover.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
A satirical take on what it's like to be a woman in the workplace, Cooper draws from her experience as a former executive in the world of tech (she's a former Googler and Yahooer). You can get the book here.
This article was originally published on March 25, 2019.