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What it's like having 'face blindness' and not recognizing people you've known for years

I've lived with it my whole life. Here are 5 things I've tried that help.

Photo link: Canva

A woman only sees half her face.

If you know, you know. Face blindness, or as medical professionals call it, prosopagnosia, can be frustrating even in its mildest form. For me, it's the constant disappointment I see on people's faces when I don't register who they are. One time, I didn't identify my own comedy agent at the Laugh Factory. Another more egregious time, I didn't recognize my boyfriend of three years at the mall. (I didn't expect to see him and he was wearing a hat. He never wears hats!)

I used to have a joke that, to me, everyone looks like some version of actor Tobey Maguire no matter their gender, race, or height. I would be awful picking out a suspect in a police lineup, because I'd just keep saying, "Um, he was Spiderman, I think?"

The topic of face blindness isn't new. In neurologist Oliver Sacks's book The Man Who Mistook His Wife for a Hat, he writes, among many things, about a case study in which someone has a much more complex, severe condition processing stimuli called visual agnosia. Sacks discusses the neurological theories behind the condition, even adding in philosophical and Freudian explanations.

- Neurologist Oliver Sacks discusses what it's like to have prosopagnosia. www.youtube.com, CNN

The condition is actually somewhat common. According to Neuroscience News, 1 in 50 people have mild face blindness or "developmental prosopagnosia."

In her recent piece "Even mild face blindness can cause serious difficulties in daily life – new study," for The Conversation, psychologist Judith Lowes asks, "Have you ever been ignored by someone you knew when you bumped into them in the street or at an event? If so, you probably thought they were being rude. But they might have face blindness–a condition officially known as developmental prosopagnosia."

Her findings were fascinating. "In a new study my colleagues and I conducted, 29 adults with face blindness revealed the daily challenges they face. Ten of the participants said they could not reliably recognise immediate family members, and 12 couldn’t recognise closest friends in out-of-context or unexpected encounters. Yet many felt it was socially difficult to admit these struggles."

-People talk about their experience with face blindness. www.youtube.com, The New York Times

The study concludes prosopagnosia might be a form of neurodivergence, and somewhere on the autism/ADHD spectrum. She writes that recognizing face blindness as a "form of neurodivergence isn’t just about awareness, it’s about dignity, inclusion, and making everyday life easier for thousands of people."

But, for my fellow face-blind folks, there's hope and help. On the subreddit r/Prosopagnosia, an OP asks "Strategies for recognizing people?" Their more specific question is "How do y’all compensate for your face blindness?" The comments section bursts with ideas.

Come from the assumption that you know everyone

A few people suggest greeting people with "good to see you," instead of "nice to meet you," no matter what. I do this and while it seems strange at first, it's a way of faking it until you make it. Then if it's a short conversation, no harm, no foul.

Learn to rely on vocal cues

If, let's say using the last example, you need to buy more time. Listen closely to a person's voice. For me, my auditory memory is intact, so if I can just get a few seconds with vocal cues, my recognition sensors set in.

Be honest and open about the condition

Other Redditors recommend a more honest approach. One shares, "I’m open about it. I say something like 'I’m so sorry, I have face blindness, can you remind me how we know each other?' And people are usually really kind about it. The only time it’s been truly awkward for me was when the response was 'Ten years of friendship?!' (She’d changed her very distinctive hair.)"

Look for specific traits to memorize

This has truly helped me. When I'm meeting someone, especially someone I assume I'll see again, I try to find one thing on their face I can remember. A beauty mark on their cheek or a tattoo on their arm. Then, personally, I repeat it in my head: "Mike, tattoo, Mike, tattoo." Another Redditor advised to "look for scars." Same idea—find something on them that won't likely change and commit it to the space in your brain where the memory of their face would have gone.

Subtly ask for more context

This is a big one. Like many of us, it becomes kind of a game of fishing for information without awkwardly giving yourself away. I'll often ask, "When was the last time I saw you?" And if they say, "At our high school reunion of course," then boom—that's information! Once I have just a few pieces of the face blindness jigsaw puzzle, I can piece it together pretty quickly. (And then I often overcompensate once I realize who they are. "Oh yeah! You were wearing the cutest pink dress! How's Steve? Still living in Milwaukee?")

As one commenter put it, "Bluffing and hoping for some context from the conversation's clues."

face blindness clues, tattoo, body markings, memory Tattoo artist with a canine assistant creates colorful ink. Giphy

While many in this and other threads online discuss the anxiety and embarrassment that can come as a result of this condition, it is not all that uncommon. And if we approach it from the neurodivergence standpoint, as Lowes proposes, it might make it easier to discuss and give grace to ourselves and others.

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Expert explains how to enjoy socializing even when your 'social battery' is empty

Even extroverts' social stamina gets worn down eventually.

via Canva/Photos

A woman lying on a table at a party hat.

One of the big ways in which people differ—but we don’t talk about very much—is their social stamina. Some people love being around others morning, noon, and night. While others show up to a party at seven p.m. and quietly slip out the front door at nine. Although it’s not an official medical term, therapists like to call this the “social battery,” and we can all benefit from learning how often ours need to recharge to avoid running on empty.

What is a social battery?

Introverts and extroverts have very different social batteries. Extroverts have full batteries that take a long time to wind down. Introverts have smaller batteries that lose their charge quickly, so they have to be careful about how they plan their social interactions and who they spend their time with.

One isn’t better than the other, but it’s essential to learn where we stand on the social stamina spectrum so that we can get the most out of our social engagements. It’s important to connect with people, but if you have limited resources to devote to social situations, you must be intentional with how you spend your time.

This is what happens when a husband and wife are at a wedding and they both have very different battery lives.

@justice_777

She usually the one ready to go. #weddingtiktok #weddingday #bridetok #fatherofthebride #dadsoftiktok #dadjokes #weddingvibes #socialbutterfly #introvert #extrovert

What are some signs your social battery is running low?

  • You feel weary
  • You’re less interested in talking to people than you were before
  • You’d like to be in a quiet, familiar place
  • You’re ready to retreat into your inner world of books or creativity
  • You’re overwhelmed by crowds or excess noise

Here’s what it looks like when someone with a low social battery throws a party.

@jordan_the_stallion8

#fyp @Aimy Avila

How to socialize without draining your battery

Mental health advocate Kyrus Keenan Westcott says that with a little planning in advance, people with low social batteries can get the most out of social functions.

1. Prioritize Meaningful Interactions: Spend time with those who uplift you, minimize time with those who are draining.

2. Create a Comfortable Space: If you’re hosting an event, create a place for you to relax and recharge during the event so that you can return to it with more battery life.

3. Set Clear Boundaries: If you need to leave at a set time or are feeling drained, don’t let anyone force you to stay.

4. Balance Social and Alone Time: Make sure to schedule enough time for yourself to recharge in between social events.

Ultimately, taking a good look at how your social battery functions can be a big help when planning your weekend or how you interact with coworkers. You’ll want to make sure that you spend the right amount of time on meaningful interactions, so you don’t waste your time on people and activities that aren’t fulfilling. It’s also great to understand your battery so that when it does feel low, you don’t feel bad that you’re being antisocial. You’ve just given all you can to the people who truly matter in your life.

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'Who should I be?': Video explains why having a self-absorbed parent robs you of a personality

Having a self-absorbed parent is a terrible trap.

Canva/Photos

A man sitting alone with a blank stare.

Have you ever met someone who doesn’t seem to have their own thoughts, opinions, or tastes? They tend to glom onto the personalities of their friends and will change their views on important issues, such as politics or religion, on a whim. When you try to get a sense of their core, it doesn’t seem there is much of one at all.

According to the School of Life, a social media company founded by writer Alain de Botton that helps people better understand themselves and others, a significant reason people around us appear to lack a true sense of self is that they were born to self-absorbed parents. So, if you’re having a hard time understanding a friend who has a weak sense of self or fear you have one yourself, here’s how School of Life explains the issue.

- YouTube youtu.be

Why do some people lack a strong sense of self?

“These poor souls tend to be the products of very particular sorts of childhood. When little, they will have faced environments in which their uniqueness was never a matter of concern to their self-absorbed caregivers. Mother or father were never able to push their needs aside for a time, drop to their level and ask: Who is this extraordinary new member of the human race whom I have helped to create? What are their particular inclinations and loves, and hates? What do they have to tell me? They were far too perturbed and fragile for such self-abnegation. They couldn’t attune to the child—and so the child could not, in turn, attune to themselves, for we can only find out what we think if, in the early days, someone was sufficiently patient to facilitate our own process of self-discovery,” the video states.

sad girl, lonely girl confused girl, personality, self-absorbed parents, girl touching face A girl who is outside and holding her cheeks.via Canva/Photos

It can be tough for someone to go through life with a weak sense of self because they are constantly worried by the opinions of others, and they have a loud inner critic. The pain of having to repress their true selves for years can lead them to have an intense internal rage that they keep deep down, until they can no longer hold it back anymore.

Those who build friendships or fall in love with individuals who have a weak sense of self may be initially charmed by them. They are interested in everything that we love and are happy to mirror us in an incredibly flattering way. Until, of course, the winds change and they follow someone new, transforming into someone completely different. “We can find ourselves dropped like a stone,” the video says. “And yet ironically, we may have been very right for them: they just didn’t know enough about who they were to trust their original instincts.”

man in suit, confident man, man with tie, man in blue suit, man with beard A man in a blue suit.via Canva/Photos

How can people regain their sense of self?

A medically reviewed article from Psych Central shows that people raised by self-absorbed parents can strengthen their sense of self by tuning into themselves instead of looking to others for direction. That inner voice may be faint at first, but when given proper attention, it can become louder.

How to cultivate a strong sense of self according to Psych Central:

  • Take time to analyze what your thoughts say about the type of person you are. Do you think of yourself as someone smart, funny, kind, and competent?
  • Try to believe in who you are and the person you can become. Thinking of yourself as a “work in progress” can help lower the volume on your inner critic.
  • Exercise your mental muscle of self-awareness. Regular examination of how you think and feel about yourself can foster greater insight and appreciation of your sense of self.
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Woman shares her therapist's incredibly helpful mental health hack: 'Run the dishwasher twice'

The advice sounds strange, but it's brilliant.

Achim Thiemermann from Pixabay, Natasha G from Pixabay, Danielle Wunker/Facebook

Dirty dishes and clean dishes.

"Run the dishwasher twice" might sound like strange mental health advice, but a viral post is proving that it's actually quite helpful.

Danielle Wunker, a Licensed Professional Counselor and Supervisor, shared a story on her Facebook page that is resonating with people who struggle with mental health issues. It originally came from an answer from Katie Scott on Quora to the question "Has a therapist ever told you something completely unexpected?"

It reads:

"When I was at one of my lowest (mental) points in life, I couldn't get out of bed some days. I had no energy or motivation and was barely getting by. I had therapy once per week, and on this particular week I didn't have much to 'bring' to the session. He asked how my week was and I really had nothing to say.

'What are you struggling with?' he asked. I gestured around me and said 'I dunno man. Life.' Not satisfied with my answer, he said 'No, what exactly are you worried about right now? What feels overwhelming? When you go home after this session, what issue will be staring at you?'

upset man, stressed man, unhappy man, man alone, anxiety Man sitting on chair covering his eyes.Photo by christopher lemercier on Unsplash


I knew the answer, but it was so ridiculous that I didn't want to say it. I wanted to have something more substantial.
Something more profound.

But I didn't.

So I told him, 'Honestly? The dishes. It's stupid, I know, but the more I look at them the more I CAN'T do them because I'll have to scrub them before I put them in the dishwasher, because the dishwasher sucks, and I just can't stand and scrub the dishes.'

I felt like an idiot even saying it.

What kind of grown ass woman is undone by a stack of dishes? There are people out there with *actual* problems, and I'm whining to my therapist about dishes?

But he nodded in understanding and then said:

'Run the dishwasher twice.'


dishes, dish washer, plates, pots, pans, glasses Dishwasher and dishes.via commons.wikimedia.org

I began to tell him that you're not supposed to, but he stopped me.

'Why the hell aren't you supposed to? If you don't want to scrub the dishes and your dishwasher sucks, run it twice. Run it three times, who cares?! Rules do not exist.'

It blew my mind in a way that I don't think I can properly express. That day, I went home and tossed my smelly dishes haphazardly into the dishwasher and ran it three times. I felt like I had conquered a dragon.

The next day, I took a shower lying down. A few days later. I folded my laundry and put them wherever the f**k they fit. There were no longer arbitrary rules I had to follow, and it gave me the freedom to make accomplishments again. Now that I'm in a healthier place, I rinse off my dishes and put them in the dishwasher properly. I shower standing up. I sort my laundry.

But at a time when living was a struggle instead of a blessing, I learned an incredibly important lesson:

There are no rules.

Run the dishwasher twice."

washing dishes, dish washer, woman doing dishes, sink A woman washing dishes.via Canva/Photos

"For me it is not exactly that there are no rules, but I ask myself 'Whose rules are these?' 'Do I want them to be mine or can I come up with better ones?' No rules might work for some folks, but I like a little structure, the structure I supply and can alter if it is not working." Sam wrote in the comments.

"That is brilliant! Thank you for sharing that profound story. Isn’t it amazing how often we miss the faulty assumption that is stymying us? I’m glad to hear you are in a much better place now," Charlie added.

Anyone who has been in a mental or emotional place where even just the most basic, mundane tasks seem overwhelming understands the wisdom in this lesson. Dishes might seem like such a minor detail of life, but those kinds of minor details can be the straw that breaks the camel's back mentally. If you've never stared at a basket of laundry that would take three minutes to fold and thought, "Nope, can't do it. Not now. Maybe not ever..." then you may not need this lesson, but there are millions of people who appreciate the express permission to let go of the rules in our heads about how things have to be done.

Adjusting expectations and arbitrary ideas about how something works is incredibly freeing and can provide a seemingly temporary fix for a seemingly insurmountable problem. Oddly enough, though, that temporary fix can be the necessary bridge that gets someone from unable to cope with daily life things to functioning on a somewhat normal level.

Mental health is such a tricky thing to manage, and many of the tools for managing it run counter to what we might expect. That's what therapists are for—to help us step outside the box of our own brains, adjust our thoughts and behaviors to create greater possibilities for ourselves, and give us permission to reject the negative voices in our head try to keep us locked in unhelpful or unhealthy patterns.

Even when that unhelpful pattern is as simple as letting the dishes pile up instead of running the dishwasher twice.

This article originally appeared four years ago.

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