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People are sharing their favorite quote from a comedian. Here are 20 of the best.

There are some killer one-liners in here.

best comedians. funniest stand-up comedy, norm macdonald
via Bonnie/Wikimedia Commons, Alan Gastelum/Wikimedia Commons, Underbelly Limited/Wikimedia Commons

Comedians George Carlin, Jim Gaffigan and Joan Rivers

Reddit user cutecutejames posted a great question on the AskReddit subforum: “What is a quote from a comedian you'll never forget?” The post quickly went viral, receiving over 10,700 responses on the first day. Of the countless comedians mentioned in the thread, Norm Macdonald appears to be the most quotable.

Sadly, Macdonald died of cancer in 2021, but he was famous for his outlandish musings, delivered in a dry, deliberate tone. Macdonald is best known as a stand-up comedian, but he was also memorable on television as a cast member on "Saturday Night Live" from 1993 to 1997 and on his sitcom, “The Norm Show.”

Two other deceased funnymen were often quoted in the discussion, Mitch Hedberg and George Carlin.

Hedberg’s comedy was based on short, memorable one-liners filled with absurdity. He passed away in 2005 from a drug overdose. George Carlin is often listed among the greatest stand-up comedians of all time and was a voice of the counterculture in the ‘60s and ‘70s. Later in life, his comedy evolved into a nihilistic criticism of American life that, for many, is still relevant today.

“It's called 'the American Dream' 'cause you have to be asleep to believe it,” Carlin said.

Here are 21 of the funniest and most poignant quotes from a comedian shared on the AskReddit forum.

1.

Jabazaba wrote:

"Every time you clog a toilet, you exceeded someone’s expectations." — Unknown

2.

ShofarD**kSwordFight wrote:

"Everybody thinks they're a comedian. Especially in my line of work." — Norm Macdonald

This came from Macdonald's memoir, "Based on a True Story," a must-read for Norm fans. My favorite thing about this line is that it was a sort of random throwaway, almost an afterthought, as he was expressing disdain for a doctor who told a joke and got a big laugh from everyone else in the room.

And that doctor's joke? It was Macdonald's own moth story.

3.

NotoriousREV wrote:

“I’m not an adventurous person. I’ve only ever used one side of a cheese grater.” — James Acaster

4.

TheZMage wrote:

“I’ve started cooking with wine. That sounds so fancy, cooking with wine. What I do is I get drunk and I make rice. I tell my friends ‘come over, I’m cooking with wine.’ They come over, I’m drunk, and there’s rice everywhere.” — Kevin Nealon

5.

Biggoofydoofus wrote:

"What is it like to have four kids? Imagine you are drowning, and then someone hands you a baby." — Jim Gaffigan

6.

Mysterious-Judge-333 wrote:

"I find a duck's opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread." — Mitch Hedberg

7.

SalveBrutus wrote:

“Cocaine is God's way of saying you make too much money." — Robin Williams

8.

NecroeJoe wrote:

"I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means 'put down'." — Bob Newhart

9.

KingNewbie wrote:

“People say someone lost their battle with cancer. But if someone dies from cancer, the cancer dies too. I’d call that a draw.” — Norm MacDonald

10.

ElvishMystical wrote:

"You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, which is just long enough to be president of the United States." — Spike Milligan

11.

Active Oppressor wrote:

"When you are on fire, and running down the street, people will get out of your way." — Richard Pryor

12.

Buttflakes27 wrote:

"I was walking down the street the other day and these construction workers were working on the roof hammering away. One of them told me I was a paranoid lunatic...in morse code." — Emo Phillips

13.

ZorroMeansFox wrote:

"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read." — Groucho Marx

14.

Mikethereddit wrote:

"I didn't want to be Drunk in Public. I wanted to be drunk in a bar. They THREW me into public." — Ron White

15.

Heckhammer wrote:

"I know I'm getting older, my last birthday cake looked like a prairie fire!" — Rodney Dangerfield

16.

OneFingerIn wrote:

"Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that." — George Carlin

17.

SoftwareAlert7192 wrote:

"When you got a career there ain't enough time in the world...when you got a job there's too much time." — Chris Rock

18.

Megsy73_Idgaf

"She had enough plastic surgery so that when she crossed her legs, her mouth snapped open." — Joan Rivers

19.

NotaDogIswear wrote:

"Nationalism does nothing but teach you to hate people you never met, and to take pride in accomplishments you had no part in." — Doug Stanhope

20.

Freedomdeliverus wrote:

"The world is like a ride in an amusement park, and when you choose to go on it you think it's real because that's how powerful our minds are. The ride goes up and down, around and around, it has thrills and chills, and it's very brightly colored, and it's very loud, and it's fun for a while.

Many people have been on the ride a long time, and they begin to wonder, 'Hey, is this real, or is this just a ride?' And other people have remembered, and they come back to us and say, 'Hey, don't worry; don't be afraid, ever, because this is just a ride.'

And we … kill those people.

'Shut him up! I've got a lot invested in this ride, shut him up! Look at my furrows of worry, look at my big bank account, and my family. This has to be real.'

It's just a ride. But we always kill the good guys who try and tell us that, you ever notice that? And let the demons run amok … But it doesn't matter, because it's just a ride.

And we can change it any time we want. It's only a choice. No effort, no work, no job, no savings of money. Just a simple choice, right now, between fear and love. The eyes of fear want you to put bigger locks on your doors, buy guns, close yourself off. The eyes of love instead see all of us as one.

Here's what we can do to change the world, right now, to a better ride. Take all that money we spend on weapons and defenses each year and instead spend it feeding and clothing and educating the poor of the world, which it would pay for many times over, not one human being excluded, and we could explore space, together, both inner and outer, forever, in peace." — Bill Hicks

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Joy

'90s kid shares the 10 lies that everyone's parent told them

"Don't swallow that gum. If you do, it'll take 7 years to come out."

via 90sKid4lyfe/TikTok (used with permission)

90sKidforLife shares 10 lies everyone's parents told in the era.


Children believe everything their parents tell them. So when parents lie to prevent their kids to stop them from doing something dumb, the mistruth can take on a life of its own. The lie can get passed on from generation to generation until it becomes a zombie lie that has a life of its own.

Justin, known as 90sKid4Lyfe on TikTok and Instagram, put together a list of 10 lies that parents told their kids in the ‘90s, and the Gen X kids in the comments thought it was spot on.

“Why was I told EVERY ONE of these?” Brittany, the most popular commenter, wrote. “I heard all of these plus the classic ‘If you keep making that face, it will get stuck like that,’” Amanda added. After just four days of being posted, it has already been seen 250,000 times.

Parents were always lying #90s #90skids #parenting

@90skid4lyfe

Parents were always lying #90s #90skids #parenting

Here are Justin’s 10 lies '90s parents told their kids:

1. "You can't drink coffee. It'll stunt your growth."

2. "If you pee in the pool, it's gonna turn blue."

3. "Chocolate milk comes from brown cows."

4. "If you eat those watermelon seeds, you'll grow a watermelon in your stomach."

5. "Don't swallow that gum. If you do, it'll take 7 years to come out."

6. "I told you we can't drive with the interior light on. ... It's illegal."

7. "Sitting that close to the TV is going to ruin your vision."

8. "If you keep cracking your knuckles, you're gonna get arthritis."

8. "You just ate, you gotta wait 30 minutes before you can swim."

10. "If you get a tattoo, you won't find a job."


This article originally appeared on 4.26.24

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Pop Culture

Ever seen two cellists rocking out to an AC/DC song? It's amazing how well it works.

2Cello's genre-smashing "Thunderstruck" performance has been watched 260 million times.

2Cellos/YouTube

2Cellos rocks the house with "Thunderstruck."

If someone said, "Name two genres of music on the opposite ends of the spectrum," heavy metal and classical music would be a logical answer. So when you hear that an AC/DC song being played on classical instruments, it can challenge the brain a bit.

(Some folks may ask, "Is AC/DC really considered heavy metal?" By today's standards, no. Compared to thrash, black and death metal, definitely not. But AC/DC has been lumped into the heavy metal genre by everyone from MTV to Encyclopedia Britannica, despite co-founder Angus Young saying they were just a rock band. At the very least, they were metal-adjacent, so let's roll with it.)

"Thunderstruck" is one of those songs people of all ages know at least part of, thanks to its frequent use in movies and television shows. In fact, it's so ubiquitous that when two cellists transition into it from a classical piece, it's instantly recognizable.

Of course, the way they headbang and literally shred their cello bows while playing it also helps.

The cellists dressing in period garb and playing for what looks like an audience of Mozart's creates a delightful contrast in addition to it being in impressive musical performance. There's a reason the 2Cellos "Thunderstruck" video has been viewed a whopping 260 million times on YouTube.

Watch and enjoy:

People's reactions since the video debuted in 2014 have ranged from humor to incredulity to admiration for the duo's mad cello skills:

"I used to be a fan, but after hearing this masterpiece 1000 times, I'm an air conditioner now."

"When you're into rock but your parents buy you a cello."

"Can’t believe AC/DC made a cover of a song from the 1700s."

"These guys are like the ultimate form of being classically trained but the teachers never let them have any fun."

"As a fellow cellist, the skill you're witnessing is incredible."

"As a bass player, it's incredible how they can play that with so much precision. It is truly incredible, love the music."

Many people in the comments have shared that they keep coming back to watch this again and again, even years later.

Luka and Hauser, the famous Croatian cellists responsible for this genre-smashing masterpiece, just ended their musical career together in May of 2023. As Total Croatia News reported, "Luka is more of a family man now, with three children and a wife, and Hauser continues to be ambitious, full of ideas and eager to keep going, conquering the world and playing his music everywhere. Having different approaches to life, they thought it was best to take separate paths but will still remain great friends."

However, you can still enjoy their past performances together on their YouTube channel here.


This article originally appeared on 10.25.23

music
Humor

A guy created pictures of every president as a 'cool guy with a mullet' and they deliver

All 46 got a Dog the Bounty Hunter makeover.

via Wikimedia Commons, Wikimedia Commons and Wikimedia Commons

Teddy Roosevelt, Ronald Reagan, Joe Biden and Barack Obama all having a laugh.

Like it or not, we’ve recently entered the age of artificial intelligence, and although that may be scary for some, one guy in Florida thinks it’s a great way to make people laugh. Cam Harless, the host of The Mad Ones podcast, used AI to create portraits of every U.S. president looking “cool” with a mullet hairstyle, and the results are hilarious.

The mullet is a notorious hairdo known as the "business in the front, party in the back" look. It's believed that the term "mullet" was coined by the rap-punk-funk group Beastie Boys in 1994.

While cool is in the eye of the beholder, Harless seems to believe it means looking like a cross between Dog the Bounty Hunter and Kenny Powers from “Eastbound and Down.”

Harless made the photos using Midjourney, an app that creates images from textual descriptions. "I love making AI art," Harless told Newsweek. "Often I think of a prompt, create the image and choose the one that makes me laugh the most to present on Twitter and have people try and guess my prompt."

"The idea of Biden with a mullet made me laugh, so I tried to make one with him and Trump together and that led to the whole list of presidents,” he continued.

Harless made AI photos of all 46 presidents with mullets and shared them on Twitter, and the response has been tremendous. His first photo of Joe Biden with a mullet has nearly 75,000 likes and counting.

Here’s our list of the 14 best presidents with mullets. Check out Harless' thread here if you want to see all 46.

Joe Biden with an incredible blonde mane and a tailored suit. This guy takes no malarkey.

Donald Trump looking like a guy who has 35 different pairs of stonewashed jeans in his closet at Mar-a-Lago.

Barack Obama looking like he played an informant on "Starsky and Hutch" in 1976.

George H.W. Bush looking like he plays bass in Elvis's backing band at the International Hotel in Vegas in '73.

Gerald Ford looking like the last guy on Earth that you want to owe money.

"C'mon down and get a great deal at Dick Nixon's Chrysler, Dodge, Jeep and Ram, right off the I-95 in Daytona Beach."

"Who you calling Teddy? That's Theodore Roosevelt to you."

Grover Cleveland is giving off some serious steampunk vibes here.

Pray you never key Chester A. Arthur's Trans Am. If you know what's best for you.

Honest Abe? More like Honest Babe. Am I right?

Franklin Pierce looking like your favorite New Romantic singer from 1982. Eat your heart out, Adam Ant.

"Daniel Day Lewis stole my look in 'Last of the Mohicans.'" — John Tyler

Many have tried the tri-level mullet but few pulled it off as beautifully as James Madison.

Washington's mullet was like a white, fluffy cloud of freedom.

Find more cool, mulletted U.S. presidents here.


This article originally appeared on 3.1.23

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Deaf woman shares list of ‘hearing anxieties’ after learning what others can actually hear

“Nobody should be able to hear that much…that’s not your business.”

Photo credit: Canva

Deaf woman shares 'hearing anxieties' after learning what others hear

People who were born hearing often can't imagine what it would be like to not hear the world around them. But since the world is set up around the capabilities of hearing people, there isn't much that would cause someone to think further into the experiences of deaf and hard of hearing (HoH) people.

But in many ways our ability to hear can cause deaf and HoH people anxieties that hearing people don't even consider. All the noises bodies make when people are just existing are recognized but easily tuned out by hearing people, though we use those body sounds as signals when needed.

Deaf people are not innately aware that bodies make noises without trying so when they become aware, some may develop a self consciousness around it. Recently a deaf woman shared that she got together with her friends to share their newer "hearing anxieties."

Scarlet May took to TikTok to share a list of what she and her deaf friends call "hearing anxieties." Hearing anxieties are basically things hearing people can hear that are normal that deaf people are or have been unaware others can hear. For instance, there's a story about a deaf student who had no idea other people could hear them pass gas until their teacher pointed it out. There was no mention of the child developing hearing anxiety around farting in school but it would be understandable if they did.

Sign Language Asl GIF by @InvestInAccessGiphy

"I was just with all my friends and we were sharing stories of our hearing anxieties. It's basically things we as deaf people didn't know that hearing people could hear," Scarlet says.

The young woman speaks quickly while also using American Sign Language (ASL), some users pointed out that her long nails clicking together while she signed was soothing, before wondering if she knew people could hear that. Some of the hearing anxieties may be surprising to hearing people but it makes sense when you think about what the realization must have been like.

talking sign language GIFGiphy

"First one we didn't know y'all can hear is our breathing. My friend said his boyfriend could tell he was mad just based off his breathing. Like he was huffing and puffing hard and then he was like, 'are you mad?' and he was like 'no why?' He was like, 'I can hear you breathing hard," the woman explains.

Hearing someone breathe isn't something people who are hearing think much about until they notice a change in someone's breathing pattern that can give clues into how the other person is feeling. Like Scarlet's friend, being angry changes a person's breathing pattern, so does being anxious, afraid and bored. Hearing people take these cues to offer up additional support ore recognize when someone might be upset with them.

Sign Language Please GIF by @InvestInAccessGiphy

"Number two, how can y'all tell when we're hungry? This one happened to me. I was starving and my friend was like, 'oh somebody's hungry,' and I was like 'what,' and she was like, 'I can hear your stomach.' Huh? Why can you hear so much that you can tell I'm hungry? That's weird. Nobody needs to hear that much," Scarlet says while seemingly irritated at the thought of people hearing hunger.

This is likely less helpful to hearing people than hearing breathing changes but it can come in handy in a pinch. If you're in a meeting with a rumbly tummy a friend sitting near you may silently offer you a snack to hold you over. It can also be helpful if someone is nonverbal and unable to communicate their hunger needs appropriately. But outside of that, many hearing people find it embarrassing for their belly to be angrily rumbling since there's no controlling it when you're trapped adulting with no food within reach.

@scarlet_may.1 hearing anxiety is so real 😭 #fyp ♬ original sound - Scarlet May

The last thing Scarlet lists is the fact that hearing people can hear people eating, saying, "this one, I do not like. Every time I'm eating around hearing people I'm always making sure I'm not too loud, even if I'm quiet I don't even know how much y'all can hear." She further explains that it causes her to become self conscious about it and attempt to change how she's eating. Commenters sympathized with Scarlet and her hearing anxieties, some even pointing out that they also feel like hearing people can hear too much.

One person writes, "The socially acceptable behavioral standard is to pretend like you don't hear any of those things. It's the polite thing to do."

Another shares, "I'm with you on all of this. I'm tired of hearing this much."

All That Nicksplat GIF by NickRewindGiphy

Someone commiserates with the anxiety, "I'm anxious about these things too and I'm not even deaf, especially the stomach one."

"As a hearing person I also think we don't need to hear that much. I can hear my blood flowing through my body, that's too much," one commenter cries.

"If it makes you feel any better we also are embarrassed when people know we are hungry or are breathing hard," another offers support.

You don't have to be deaf to be embarrassed or anxious about the sounds your body makes. Everyone has body noises they can't control and it's probably safe to say that most of us wish we couldn't hear those things.

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Family

Dad wonders if he's wrong for telling Grandma she can't have a 'stupid' nickname

Not everyone wants to be called "Grandma" and "Grandpa." But is this nickname too much?

Photo credit: Canva

Some grandparent nicknames are cute. Some…not so much.

Lots of grandparents feel like the names “grandma” and “grandpa” feel too old, and vote for younger, hipper nicknames. But we all know this can sometimes venture too far into overly cutesy territory.

Such was the case for one dad who found out that instead of “Grandma,” his mom wanted to be called “Glammy” by her soon-to-be grandkid.

Frustrated, he took to Reddit for advice on how to handle the situation.

“My mother is the type of woman who hates the idea of getting old,” he wrote, saying, “She tries to hide it in any way she possibly can.”

That includes coming up with alternative nicknames, which the dad at first thought was funny, but since then has “learned that she’s completely serious.” And when he’s tried to put his foot down by saying he won’t allow it, his mother gets mad at him.

“The most recent name she has come up with is Glammy because she saw a post that says ‘when you’re a grandma but you’re young and hip you get called Glammy,’” he continued, admitting that was that the only one he liked since he knew his kids would likely just end up saying “Gammy” or “Grammy,” which he found acceptable.


AITA for telling my Mother that I will not allow my Child to call her any name except Grandma?
byu/Olivers-Thoughts inAITAH


“But some of the names she wants are FiFi, Lolli (like lollipop), Bibi, Lola, Ari…” he lamented. “To me, these names are just stupid… I’m perfectly fine with names that are somewhat normal but for some reason I can’t get the image of my child telling someone that their ‘FiFi is picking her up’ and she just gets laughed at cause it’s a stupid name. We’ve all tried to give my mom name suggestions but are shot down every time and told that we are taking this experience away from her. What do y’all think?”

Down in the comments, people lighthearted told the man that this was a non-issue, however aggravating it is right now.

For one thing, people joked that neither him nor his mom would actually have a say in the matter. That power would belong to the kid.

“You think you get to decide that? You don’t. My son calls my mother Poppy. He calls his uncle ‘Achoo.’ Kids will do what they will,” one person wrote.

Other’s pointed out that all roads eventually lead to “Grandma”. As one person put it, “In my experience whatever name she picks or insists on would eventually become Grandma [Name] anyway. She wants to be called Fifi? Congrats, she’s now Grandma Fifi.”

Quite a few chimed in, with hard evidence, that there are nicknames far, far worse than “Glammy.”

“Do you think you have it bad? My stepmother wanted to be addressed as ‘grandpa Joe’s young wife, Susie’ L O L.”

“I called my favorite grandma Grandma Pup Pup. Pup Pup was my dog that lived with her. I was 2 and couldn't say 'puppy'. It stuck.”

“I am Guaca because my granddaughter couldn’t say Grandma☺️”

“lol our (step)granddaughter calls my husband papa duck. It came about from her first calling him Donald Duck (due to his name), and evolved into Papa after her lil sis was born. She calls me Superwoman 😂 She was 4 at the time.”

The OP would later write that “when I don’t push this issue with my mom it turns into her saying things that I have to do and I cannot do,” which alludes to a more complex power struggle, rather than simply a name pet peeve. But regardless, hopefully he (and everyone else dealing with grandparent name woes) can be put a little more at ease knowing that this doesn’t have to be a huge deal. Just another case of pick your battles.

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