Most of us don't want to imagine our spouse dying, but since couples rarely die at the same time, it's a reality many of us will eventually face. It's hard to know how we would feel about remarrying if that were to happen—some people who swear they would never remarry end up hating being alone after being widowed, and some people who are open to the idea end up being perfectly content to stay single.
Statistically, most people actually don't remarry after being widowed. A study published in The Journals of Gerontology found that "most repartnering after widowhood occurs within ten years of this event or not at all. Ten years after widowhood, about 7% of widows and 29% of widowers have formed a new union." Widows and widowers who have actually faced the reality of losing a spouse and decided not to remarry are sharing their reasoning, and it's a fascinating glimpse into how differently people view independence and relationships. It's also interesting to see some how men and women might view remarrying differently.
Here are four big reasons widowed people on Reddit's /AskOldPeople said they've chosen to stay single.
Not wanting to be a caretaker
Some people who have lost partners went through intense caretaking due to illness and don't want to go through that again. But some—particularly women—had a marriage that involved taking care of someone else for decades and they simply don't want to do that anymore.
"My grandmother lost her husband in 1983 and never even dated again until she died in 2016. I asked her about it once, and she said, 'Why would I want to take care of an old man? Are you trying to kill me?'"
"That's what my grandma told me when I asked her. She said that the old guys just want someone to take care of them, cook, do laundry, clean the house, do their bidding. She was not up for that--she was very independent."
"My grandmother said the same thing. Grandpa died in 1992 she lived till 2018. Went on trips with friends, had an active social life but never dated again because in her words 'I took care of 1 man for 47 years why would I sign up to take care of another.'"
"I have heard the phrase 'looking for a nurse and a purse' in regard to many older gents and why they want to re-marry. Likely not all older fellows but certainly some."
"As soon as my mother died my father went into full wife search mode. He was definitely looking for a nurse. Mom had been his caretaker so we needed to bring in caretakers after she died, he fell in love with almost all of them and would have married anyone that would have had him. His caretakers were primarily widows and they all were very adamant that they had zero interest in remarrying. I first heard the term 'nurse and a purse' from one of them."
Not wanting to dip in the dating pool
Young people often feel like the dating scene is rough, but it's often worse for people in their later years. Many people in that dating pool are divorced, and some of them for good reason.
"Have you seen the dating pool? Someone took a big ol pooo in it."
"This, exactly. I’m not opposed to having another partner, just haven’t found one that is worth having. In addition, the pool gets smaller as I get older. Not going to accept anything less than an actual partner."
"Have you looked at the dating scene lately?? It’s a virtual cesspool!"
"Dating seems horrifying. Having to tell someone my whole story and learn theirs seems exhausting. I'm okay on my own."
Not wanting a sexual relationship
People's desire for sex exists on a huge spectrum, and some people simply don't want the sexual expectations of a committed relationship.
"Years ago, I asked my divorced mom if she ever wanted to date again. Her response: I don't want somebody trying to have sex with me. I let it go there."
"I’m 62, divorced, and I’m of the same mind. On the one hand, I know life would be easier with a partner and two incomes, etc. but the truth is I just don’t want to be bothered with sex anymore. I have no interest whatsoever."
"I honestly can’t see myself pursuing a sexual relationship and certainly don’t need a purse or a nurse. I will someday fall into a situation where someone enters my life who may like to share my company and just enjoy good conversation. Then again I may find a way to be alone without being lonely. Time will tell."
"I got a big dog who sleeps on the bed with me. Doesn't pressure me for sex. All is good! 😂"
Enjoying the freedom of living alone
While living alone can be lonely for some, it's a whole new world of choices and freedom for others.
"So, I loved my late husband, but living with him was a constant compromise. Every decision, every choice, also had to take his needs and preferences into account. After 35 years, I didn’t even know what my own favorite color was anymore. I am busy creating the life and the household I want now, and have no desire to bend or adjust to fit somebody else’s tastes or needs.
I can watch what I like on tv.
I can set the thermostat to whatever temperature I want.
I can cook with butter. Or not cook at all.
I don’t have to ask what anyone else thinks.
I’m enjoying my self discovery."
"A friend of mine, a widow for about a decade, told me recently that she prefers the freedom of being single. Her schedule is her own. Wakes up, goes to bed, eats and travels when she wants. When her husband was alive, their marriage wasn't good so she isn't interested in taking a risk on someone again."
"My sister’s husband died unexpectedly and suddenly after 34 years of marriage. He was her first and only love. She has been approached numerous times by men, but she isn’t interested. She says 'I already had love, I don’t need it again. Besides, I like living alone with no one to tell me where or when I have to do anything.'”
"My mom died at 41, dad was 43. He never remarried. He passed last year at 76. He said he did not want to remarry (he never said never) because compromise was so hard. He said he loved my mom, and he compromised for her, but he didn’t want to compromise for anyone else. As a teenager when he told me that, I couldn’t comprehend what he meant. As an adult, I completely understand."
Undying love and knowing no one will live up to it
Finally, some don't remarry for the simple fact that they loved their spouse so much they have no desire to ever be with someone else. One perfect love was enough for one lifetime.
"I lost my husband coming up on 2 years ago suddenly and honestly have no plans of remarrying. I'm in the process of building a new life with my new normal and I don't see someone else in that new life. Once you have your soulmate, nothing else has any interest."
"My husband died 2.5 years ago. He's the only guy who ever asked me out ( I was 25). We were married 45 years. He's my first last and always. I count myself lucky. There's no place in my life for anyone else."
"I've told people that I barely survived losing my husband. I suppose I might be able to survive that kind of loss again, but I don't want to have to try. And, I'm not interested in making room in my life for anyone who wouldn't leave that kind of hole."
"Never again. My husband was absolutely perfect for me and I would constantly compare any other men to him - and that’s not fair to anyone or to my late husband’s memory. No one could hold a candle to him.
I don’t wear my wedding band anymore, but I do wear a band. It has two hearts and the words 'Forever Love' on it."
"I will always be married to my late wife."
"I already had the best."
Awww.
Isabella, seen in space.Twitter
