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6 alternatives to saying ‘let me know if you need anything’

If someone is drowning, you don’t wait for them to ask for help. You just take action.

By

Annie Reneau

By

Upworthy Staff

woman crying with her hand on a rainy window
Photo credit: Milada Vigerova on Unsplash – People going through major struggles don't always know what they need or how to ask for help.

When we see someone dealing with the loss of a loved one or some other major life crisis, it’s instinctual for many of us to ask how we can help. Often, the conversation looks something like this:

Us: I am SO sorry you’re going through this. What can I do to help?

Person in crisis: I honestly don’t know right now.

Us: Okay…well…you let me know if you need anything, anything at all.

Person in crisis: Okay, thank you.

Us: I mean it. Don’t hesitate to ask. I’m happy to help with whatever you need.

And then…crickets. The person never reaches out to take you up on the offer.

Was it that they didn’t really need any help, this person going through a major life crisis? Unlikely. As sincere as our offer may have been, the problem may be that we didn’t really offer them what they actually needed.

One of those needs is to not have to make decisions. Another is to not have to directly ask for help.

When a person is in a state of crisis, they can feel like they’re drowning. They might be disoriented and fatigued, and doing anything other than keeping their head above water long enough to breathe can feel like too much.

If someone is drowning, you don’t ask them what you can do to help or wait for them to ask. You just take action.

Six things you can actually do right now

Here are some specific ways you can take action to help someone who you know needs help but isn’t able or willing to ask for it:

1. Make them food

It may be tempting to ask if you can make them a meal and wait for them to say yes or no, but don’t. Simply ask if they or anyone in their household has any dietary restrictions, and then start shopping and cooking.

Meals that can be popped in the refrigerator or freezer and then directly into the oven or microwave are going to be your best bets. Include cooking or reheating instructions if it’s not obvious. Disposable aluminum trays are great for homemade freezer-to-oven meals and can be found at just about any grocery store. Casseroles. Stir-fried rices. Soups. Comfort foods.

Easy-prep meals are great. Photo credit: Canva

If you don’t cook, you can buy them gift cards to local restaurants that deliver, or give them a DoorDash or Uber Eats gift certificate (large enough to cover the delivery, service fees and tip as well, which combined can be as much as a meal sometimes).

If you want to make it a community-wide effort and no one else has done so yet, set up a “meal train,” where different people sign up for different days to bring meals to spread out the food help over time. There are several free websites you can use for this purpose, including Give In Kind, Meal Train, and Take Them a Meal. These sites make it super easy for anyone with the personalized link to sign up for a meal.

2. Clean their kitchen and/or bathrooms

Kitchens are always in use, and keeping up with dishes, especially in a house full of people, is a challenge even under normal circumstances. Same with keeping the refrigerator cleaned out. Same with cleaning the bathroom.

Rather than asking if they want it done, as many people won’t want to say yes even if they would appreciate the help, try saying something like, “I want to come and make sure your kitchen is ready for you to make food whenever you want to and that your bathroom is a clean space for you to escape to whenever you feel like it. Is Tuesday or Wednesday at 1:00 better for you?”

There is always something that needs cleaning. Photo credit: Canva

The fewer complex decisions a person in crisis has to make the better, so saying, “Is this or that better?” rather than offering open-ended possibilities can be helpful.

3. Do laundry

Offer to sit and chat with them, let them vent if they need to…and fold their laundry while you’re at it.

Are they the kind of people who might be embarrassed by you seeing or handling their underclothes? Fine. Wash, dry and fold towels or bedsheets instead. Just keep the laundry moving for them.

There is always laundry to do. Photo credit: Canva

And if it doesn’t feel appropriate or desirable for you to do their laundry at their house, you can offer a pick-up laundry service, either yourself or an actual hired service. Tell the person to put bags or bins of laundry at the door and you (or the service) will come pick it up and bring it back clean and folded the next day. That’s a great way to be of service without feeling like you’re intruding.

4. Run errands for them

“Hey, I’m heading out to the store, what can I grab you while I’m there?” is always a welcome phone call or text. Let them know when you’re going to be running your own errands and see if there’s anything they need dropped at the post office, picked up from the pharmacy, or anything else.

Offer to pick stuff up when you are on a grocery run. Photo credit: Canva

You can also offer to run errands with them. “Hey, I’ve got some errands to run. Do you want to join me?” They may have no desire to leave the house, or they may desperately want to leave the house, so be prepared for either answer, but the offer is solid. Even just not having to drive might be a relief if they have things they need to pick up or drop off places.

5. Provide childcare

If the person is a parent, taking their kid(s) out for a chunk of the day can be a big help. Caring for yourself is hard when you’re going through a difficult time, and the energy a person might use to actually do that often gets usurped by caring for others. Obviously, parents can’t just neglect their children, so anything you can do to relieve them of that responsibility for a while is gold.

Caring for someone’s kids is one of the most helpful things you can do. Photo credit: Canva

Offering to take the kids to do something fun—a day at the park, ice skating, etc. is even better. A parent knowing their kid is safe, occupied, and happy is its own form of relief.

6. Ask what they’re struggling with and focus your help there

While all of these practical household things are helpful, there might be some people who find comfort or solace in doing those things themselves. If that’s the case, talk with them about what their immediate needs are and what they’re having a hard time dealing with. Then focus your energies there. “What can I do to help?” may not be as effective a question as “What are you having a hard time doing right now?” They may not know what kind of help they need, but they probably know how they’re struggling.

The small stuff matters more than you think

One person might be lonely and just want some company. Another person might need a creative outlet or a mindless distraction or something physical like going for a walk or a hike. Someone else might have pets they need help caring for, a garden that needs tending, or the oil changed in their car. Someone might even need a person to serve as a shield or buffer between them and all the people coming to offer their condolences.

Note that many of these things are basic life maintenance stuff—those are often the things that get hard for people when they’re dealing with the emotional and logistical stuff surrounding whatever they’re going through, and they’re often the easiest things other people can do for them. A time of crisis is not a normal time, so normal etiquette, such as asking if you can or should do something rather than just letting them know you’re going to do it, doesn’t always apply.

If there’s a specific thing with specific tasks, such as planning a funeral, that might be a good opportunity to ask how you can help. But people deep in the throes of grief or struggle often need someone to take the reins on basic things without being asked to. Again, there’s a good chance they feel like they’re drowning, so don’t wait for an invitation. Just grab the life preserver, put it around them, and do whatever needs to be done to get them to shore.

This article originally appeared two years ago. It has been updated.

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    Curiosity is key to conflict resolution. Photo credit: Canva

    Curiosity involves asking questions. She challenges people to experiment with asking someone questions for 15 minutes without any prompts or responses, just letting them answer. She also invites people to think of a conflict they had with someone and ask themselves these three questions, which reflect what negotiators in high-stakes situations strive for:

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    Attitude

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    Master Listening

    Savage acknowledges that it can feel overwhelming and frustrating to be on the receiving end of accusations in an argument, but that they can be navigated with clarity and control through effective listening.

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    Connection

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    “Connection is the ability to create mutual understanding between conflicting parties. It’s about using phrases that express empathy and checking that both sides are on the same page. This helps build rapport and trust, making it easier to find common ground.”

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    Finding points of connection helps resolve conflict. Photo credit: Canva

    Reframing

    Even difficult arguments can be opportunities when you reframe the conflict as such, according to Savage:

    “After navigating through the other skills, reframing is the process of presenting all the information in a way that highlights truth, options, and solutions. It’s about shifting the conversation from conflict to collaboration, allowing both parties to focus on actionable outcomes.”

    If these skills can be used to negotiate hostage situations and defuse high-level, high-stakes conflict, surely they can be utilized when we have disagreements with people in our everyday lives.

    You can find more from Karleen Savage on her website here.

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  • Career expert says college students who are finding jobs are doing these 5 things
    Photo credit: Canva – Getting a job after college is difficult, but achievable.
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    Career expert says college students who are finding jobs are doing these 5 things

    Doing the work can help you get the job.

    Erik Barnes

    College students and recent graduates are entering a very difficult job market. For some, getting an interview can feel like an impossible feat, let alone getting a position. It’s not hopeless, though. In fact, career advisor Gorick Ng not only knows young college grads who have landed jobs, but also how they did it.

    Ng gave some solid advice and shared the things college students did that helped them successfully land a job shortly after earning their diploma. Here are the ways those grads got their careers started:

    1. Start your career training while you’re still a student

    The earlier you’re on your career track, the better off you’ll be once you graduate. That said, it’s not too late to start, even if you’re a senior. Including extracurricular activities and volunteer work on your resume can help strengthen your candidacy as a new hire.

    While it can be great to include activities and titles relevant to the job itself (such as being president of the coding club for software development positions), other extracurricular activities can also be included if they demonstrate leadership and planning skills (such as being a tutor or leading a party planning committee).

    Listing the skills you’ve learned at internships and part-time positions helps you stand out as well. Speaking of which…

    2. Know the timelines for the jobs and internships you want

    While the summer is typically when internships are available, many applications need to be submitted months in advance. Some are even available year-round. It’s best to do your research to understand the recruitment timelines for internships and student jobs. Applying for and getting these positions can boost your resume when you search for full-time work.

    Even if you don’t get the internship, the process of applying and interviewing can be good practice when you apply for a full-time position. It’s also an opportunity to become a familiar face and make connections.

    3. Expand your network beyond your peers, and stay in touch

    While you’ll make connections with other people in your major who could help you, it’s very likely that you and your immediate peers are applying for the same pool of jobs. To get an edge or a job lead, it can be helpful to reach out and develop relationships beyond your current sphere.

    Become friends with older students who graduate in your chosen field. This can allow you to stay in touch with someone already in your industry who could get a job and possibly recommend you for a role once you’ve graduated. Creating and maintaining relationships with college professors or speakers in your field can also create opportunities later. Even approaching those who interviewed you for a position or internship you didn’t get can be a good connection, depending on how well the process went.

    While these relationships are professional in nature, it’s important to nurture them as genuine relationships, not transactions. Leading with curiosity about them, their professional lives, and the like will help you create long-lasting allies who have a connection to the field you want to be part of. They may also be willing to act as a reference on your behalf.

    4. Submit your resume within 24 hours of a job posting

    Applying for a job is easier, which is a wonderful problem to have. With AI-based applications and one-button resume submissions, it has become more difficult for qualified applicants to be seen by recruiters. There is also the problem of ghost jobs clogging up job searches with positions that are either already filled or don’t exist.

    With this in mind, it’s best to submit a job application within 24 hours of a posting. This can ensure your resume is near the top of the stack. You can also ask your network if there are email newsletters to subscribe to within your chosen industry. This could alert you to positions before they’re posted online.

    If there is a specific company you wish to work for, check its website regularly. Applying through its official website usually gets your resume seen before applications through third-party postings.

    There are also some hacks for job search websites like LinkedIn. They can help you winnow down your search to job postings listed within an hour of posting.

    5. Display competence, commitment, and compatibility

    Ng says that whether it’s a networking contact, recruiter, or potential employer, people want three “yeses” to the following questions:

    • “Can this person do the job well?”
    • “Is this person excited to be here?”
    • “Do I get along with this person?”

    Ng sums this up by saying a college student needs to demonstrate the “3 Cs”: competence, commitment, and compatibility.

    By showing competence through a resume, commitment through conversation, and compatibility through the professional contacts you retain, you can show an employer that you know what you’re doing, are eager to demonstrate your abilities, and can be molded into what they need.

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  • Career coach reveals the reassuring reason job interviewers ask about gaps in resumes
    Photo credit: Canva – Interviewers ask about resume gaps for a different reason than you may think.
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    Career coach reveals the reassuring reason job interviewers ask about gaps in resumes

    The question isn’t as scary as most people think.

    Erik Barnes

    Job interviews can be stressful for even the most prepared job seekers. For some, one common question adds to the pressure: “Can you explain this gap in your resume?”

    Panic can easily set in. “What if they don’t understand how I lost my last job?” “What if being a homemaker for those years hurts my chances?” Many other questions can run through your head.

    Anna Papalia, a career coach, says the gap-in-resume question is usually asked for a different reason than most interviewees think.

    In a TikTok video, Papalia explains that hiring managers are primarily asking this question to weed out candidates who don’t need a job.

    “I know it sounds ridiculous, but they want to verify that you’re not just quitting every time you get frustrated,” she says.

    Papalia says the interviewer wants to make sure the person wouldn’t just leave the job because they have a trust fund or a wealthy family member to fall back on. It’s to ensure the interviewee wants or needs the job, so they can say, “Great! We need a reliable person who needs a job, so this works out.”

    Gaps in a person’s resume and career have become more common. It’s very likely that the interviewer has spoken with several candidates who have career gaps. They may have had one or two gaps on their own resume as well. So the stigma of having a gap in a resume is less of a red flag than in previous years.

    How to answer “Can you explain this gap in your resume?”

    While the insight Papalia provides may calm some fears, many may still wonder how to answer the resume gap question. Having an answer prepared ahead of time is still recommended. There are many reasons for gaps in a resume, but there are also some guidelines career experts recommend.

    Keep it short and honest

    No matter the reason for a gap in your resume, it’s better for both the interviewer and the job seeker not to dwell on it. For one, the interviewer doesn’t want or need your life story, and a detailed answer could be too personal. Secondly, the interviewee wouldn’t want to waste the limited time in the interview instead of focusing on what they can bring to the role, the job description, and the company environment.

    Give a brief explanation—one or two sentences that get to the point. The best answers don’t go into unnecessary detail or leave room for second-guessing. Here are some common reasons for career gaps and stronger ways to respond:

    • Don’t: “I was laid off because…”
    • Do: “Unfortunately, I was affected by the company’s restructuring, and my role was eliminated.”
    • Don’t: “I wasn’t working because I was a full-time parent/caregiver and now I need a job.”
    • Do: “I took time away from my career to care for my young children/family member.”
    • Don’t: “I was fired but it wasn’t my fault because…” 
    • Do: “I learned a lot in my last role, but it turned out to be challenging in unique ways and it wasn’t a good fit. While it didn’t work out, it was a good experience and taught me to be careful of the next role I accept.”

    There may be different reasons, but overall, the advice is to keep it brief, impersonal, and focused on the positives.

    Redirect the conversation to what you can offer

    Another reason to keep your explanation short is to allow you to shift the focus from what happened then to what you can offer now. After your one- to two-sentence answer, spend most of your time discussing why you’re excited about the role you’re interviewing for. If it applies, share any relevant classes or certifications you acquired during your time away from full-time employment.

    If you did any freelance or volunteer work during that time away, bring it up. It shows the interviewer you’ve been proactive and preparing for a full-time position rather than sitting around. It can be especially helpful if the work is relevant to the role.

    Redirecting the focus to the job itself shifts the conversation back to the role rather than why you didn’t have one.

    Remove the gap in the first place

    Another way to answer, “Can you explain this gap in your resume?” is to remove the question entirely. Simply include a section explaining why you weren’t working during that time frame. Much like with a verbal answer, it can be brief and avoid personal details.

    “Family care leave” is a valid answer. It can apply to childcare, caring for a sick loved one, or even yourself. Just be sure to make it clear that you’re ready and motivated to get back to full-time work.

    Gaps in employment that are under six months usually don’t require an explanation. That said, you should still have an answer prepared if your resume includes multiple short gaps.

    Eliminating those gaps preempts the question, and most interviewers will respect your privacy. It also reinforces that you’re proactive and intentional in your job search.

    Those searching for work should mind the gaps, but there’s little reason to feel too tripped up about them. 

    Keep Reading →
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