Most married couples are aware of the alarming statistics: About 40-50% of first marriages are destined to end in divorce. On the bright side, that’s a number that has been falling steadily since the 1980s as people get married later and are more selective before settling down. On the bleaker side, it still means that “happily ever after” is hardly a guarantee.
Couples who are determined to buck the trend all have their own approach. It could be proactive couples’ therapy, a weekly date night, or the classic “never go to bed angry.” Some even have hard “rules” that neither is allowed to break, all in the name of protecting the relationship.
Couples coach shares the rules that she actually uses in her own marriage
Adele is a relationship coach who runs Happy Couples Connect. She has over half a million followers on social media and teaches adults “how to communicate in a healthy way so you can feel heard, valued, loved, and respected in your relationship.”
On Instagram, her bio tagline reads: “This page is for you if marriage is hard right now but you’re not ready to give up.”
Adele’s content resonates with her audience because she’s not afraid to share the real, uncomfortable truths from her own relationship. She says there was a time when there wasn’t a disagreement that wasn’t met with an explosive fight or a silent treatment. Fixing that is what inspired Adele to start her practice.
In a recent post on Instagram, Adele shares the five rules that she and her wife “never break.” She adds that a few years ago, these rules “didn’t exist” and the couple were on the brink of divorce.
The five rules of marriage, according to this relationship coach. Experts agree.
Adele lists out her relationship’s rules in the caption, and while it starts off with a few easier-said-than-done common sense policies, there are a few surprises on the list:
“Rule 1: We treat each other like two humans, not two perfect robots. We both mess up. Expecting perfection does not raise the standard. It just grows resentment.”
Other relationship experts might call this assuming the best in your partner. It’s terrific life advice when dealing with anyone you like, love, or respect. Come into disagreements with the understanding that they care and are trying, not assuming bad intentions.
“Rule 2: We choose to focus on what the other is doing right. The more we look for it, the more we see it. What you focus on expands. We choose to make that a gift.”
A natural tie-in to Rule 1, but it’s definitely easier to preach than to put into practice. It’s easy to nitpick and criticize all the little things our partner doesn’t do for us, meanwhile we’re overlooking the dozens of other things they are doing. It’s a rapid way to build resentment or contempt, which is the number one predictor of divorce.
“Rule 3: No phones after dinner. Because if they are within reach we will scroll, disconnect, and then wonder why we do not feel close.”
Tons of research has been done to show that cell phones can negatively impact our relationships if we’re not careful. In basic terms, scrolling your phone when your partner is nearby can make them feel less important. “When we sit down for dinner with our famlies and we put the phone on the table, it sends a psychological message to everyone sitting there that ‘You are not the most important thing to me right now,” says Simon Sinek.
“Rule 4: No hard conversations after 9 p.m. Late at night everything feels bigger than it is. We talk when we are rested, not exhausted.”
This is a popular concept in therapy and counseling circles. Not only does getting into a heated argument right before bed ruin your sleep, thereby making you crankier the next day, these arguments escalate more than they would during the day.
“Your amygdala (your emotional alarm system) becomes more reactive when you’re sleep-deprived or simply tired at the end of a long day. This combination means you’re more likely to perceive threat or criticism in neutral statements, react more defensively, say things you don’t mean, and struggle to see your partner’s perspective,” writes Quadra Wellness.
“Rule 5: A 30 second hug before any hard conversation. It lowers tension, reminds us we are on the same team and resets our nervous systems before we say a word.”
A hug is one of the most powerful human acts. A long, genuine hug with someone you love lowers stress, boosts oxytocin (the love hormone that makes you feel deep bonds and connection), and makes you happier. This puts you in a much more stable mindset before tackling hard conversations.
Relationship and communication skills don’t grow without effort
You’d think that being with someone for a long time would mean steadily learning to improve your communication over the years. That’s not always the case. In fact, often the opposite happens.
Little disagreements and petty grudges don’t get communicated effectively. They’re kept inside and they snowball into criticism, contempt, defensiveness, or stonewalling. These are what groundbreaking marriage therapist John Gottman calls “the four horsemen.” Once these start showing up regularly in your relationships, you’re in big trouble.
Even the best couples have to work at their communication skills constantly. Not everyone writes their rules down; sometimes they’re unspoken. But even silly or clinical sounding rules like these can turn a good relationship into one that’s really prepared to last a lifetime.
