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What nobody warns you enough about when it comes to having kids

Experienced parents are dropping truth bombs about parenthood.

parenting, motherhood, fatherhood, kids, children
Photo by Nubelson Fernandes on Unsplash

Here are some things new parents need to know.

Parenting is as old as time, but there's never been a time in history when we've talked about it more. If you go into any bookstore, you'll find shelf after shelf filled with books about how to raise your kids. If you have questions about any element of parenting, there are countless websites and online groups you can consult.

And yet, most of us still go into it unaware of the reality of it, because let's face it, there's no way to adequately prepare for parenthood. No matter what you picture it being like going in, parenting will yank that image right out of your head, smash it into the ground and grind its heel right into the heart of it.


Okay, that's a bit dramatic. But only a bit.

Parenting is the hardest, most rewarding job on earth—a thrill ride that takes you on the highest highs and plunges you to the lowest lows.

Up and down you go, over and over again, sometimes squealing with delight, sometimes thinking you might puke and sometimes screaming "Stop the ride, I wanna get off!"

While it's not possible to truly prepare, it's good to hear from experienced parents what you might expect. Every kid, every parent, every family is different, but there are some near-universal things that people really should know going in.

A user on Reddit asked, "What is something nobody warns people about enough when it comes to having kids," and the answers didn't disappoint. Here are some highlights:

You have less control over how your kids turn out than you think.

"There's a very good chance they won't turn out like you think," wrote one commenter. That's not to say that you have no influence whatsoever, but each kid is their own unique person with their own individuality, and they also change as they grow. If you're too attached to an idea of how they should be, you may not fully appreciate who they are.

"People seem to often forget that they're raising people," shared another commenter, "as in, independent-thinking individuals whose actions, values, personalities, interests, and capabilities will potentially be completely unlike yours. I've seen a lot of parents struggle hard with that, and frankly, that's a possibility you should have made your peace with before you became a parent, imo."

Another person added:

"This is why many parent/child relationships are so strained. Many parents have a child thinking they are programming a perfect human being. Many are disappointed when the child is not the exact person they hoped (or worse, the polar opposite). Perfectly normal children grow into resentful, tired adults because of their parents' unrealistic expectations that have nothing to do with them."

The books aren't all that helpful.

women's yellow jacketPhoto by National Cancer Institute on Unsplash

We all want to look to "the experts" when raising our kids, and some things we find in parenting books can be marginally helpful. But they certainly aren't the be-all-end-all of good parenting.

"The books are fine for ideas, your experience, friends thoughts, paediatricians, therapists," wrote one commenter. "But at the end of it all you have this complicated little person you're in charge of with their own preferences, feelings, insecurities, abilities, and you have to do what works for them and your family and, of course, also raise someone who isn't a blight on humanity or menace to society."

Another wrote:

"As my mum says: 'The kid hasn't read the book.'

"Her parents tried to do everything by the book with her and she hated it. She was supposed to have pigtails, wear dresses, learn piano and not go climb trees and play soccer/football. She saved pocket money to get her hair cut short and her dad almost hit her for it. Did she stop pushing to be herself? Nope. She is a strong woman, but boy, does she have some scars on her soul.

"With her own three kids she watched what interests they developed and then helped them explore it further and to not forget to keep an open mind about other possible hobbies, sports, arts etc. I have no idea how to thank her properly for this."

It doesn't go by fast—until suddenly it does.

woman in black graduation gown with black mortar boardPhoto by Omar Lopez on Unsplash

"The days are loooong and the years are so very short," wrote one person. It's true. When you're in the thick of parenting and someone tells you how fast it goes, you might feel like strangling them. But then you look at your child who has changed so much and it does feel fast in hindsight.

"I've heard older people say this or the equivalent all my life," wrote another. "I always thought I understood. And then I had children. Now I understand. I keep looking at my kids and can't believe how much time has passed. I'll look at them doing something new and just be amazed. Seems like yesterday that my youngest couldn't lift her own head and now she's doing tuck rolls across the house."

"This is it!" shared a parent of young adults. "Mine are 18, 19 & 20. Empty-nest syndrome is a REAL thing. I always look back and think… How the hell did it go by so quick? I used to roll my eyes at people who would say stuff like this when they had 3 different practices, in 3 different places at the same time. It really goes by so quickly."

Your time—and sleep—are no longer yours.

grayscale photography of kid lying on bedPhoto by Annie Spratt on Unsplash

When they're babies, they wake up in the night for all kinds of reasons—to eat, to practice crawling, to say hi, to wail inconsolably for no explicable reason, and so on. When they're older, they wake up because they need to go to the bathroom or a drink of water or they're scared. Then, when they're much older, they suddenly stay up late and want to have deep, heart-to-heart talks at 10 p.m. Most of us expect the baby sleep deprivation stage, but there are sleep disruptions throughout a child's entire childhood.

"When they grow older, you don't have a private life anymore," wrote one commenter. "They stay awake longer than you."

"Never thought of this. The later part of the evening is my time usually," someone responded.

"Used to be my time as well," shared another commenter. "Since becoming a parent, my time is 4-6am. One reason why you start waking up early once you're older, probably."

I have a young adult, a teen and an almost-teen, and I can attest to waking up extra early simply to have uninterrupted time to myself.

You will miss being able to think clearly.

man in gray crew neck t-shirt sitting beside boy in red and white crew neckPhoto by Mick Haupt on Unsplash

"For me, I stopped having a chance to think anything through without interruption," wrote a commenter. "I had a very hard time with that. I couldn't remember anything, couldn't make decisions, etc because every thought seemed to get interrupted.

"I'd just sit in my car alone sometimes so I could think."

Ah, the beautiful, quiet solitude of the car. Every mother I know enjoys a good "car bath" once in a while.

"I am so glad somebody said this," someone responded. "I was starting to worry I was getting early onset dementia, because my mind just feels like mush all the time. I can't remember things, I start sentences and can't finish them, I forget common words....my mind rarely gets to switch off because someone is always interacting with me or calling my name."

Part of the brain mush is because kids need things all the time. And part of it is that you now have an entire other person's life (multiplied by however many kids you have) to think about. Their health and well-being, their education, their emotional state, their character—it's a lot. So much more than you can really imagine until you're in it.

Take advantage of the middle years.

"How important the years between 7 and 12 are for building a bond (one that lasts into the teenage years)," wrote a commenter. "They are so hard to listen to at that age with all the starts and stops in conversation and they talk about the most boring thing's BUT it is so important to listen and converse at those ages. They will grow into teenagers that will talk to you, and be fun to talk to, but only if you can get through long boring conversations about Minecraft or whatever thing they are currently into."

Having teens and young adults, I have seen the truth of this advice play out. If you want your teens to talk to you, you have to listen well before they get to that age.

Another user shared what it meant to them when their mother did just that:

"I can remember being about 12 and wanting to share my biggest interest at the time with my mom, that being Bionicle, by reading to her all the books I had been collecting with my allowance. Sometimes she would involuntarily fall asleep, but my God she tried so hard to show an interest. I really didn't appreciate it at the time, focused on all the times she yawned or fell asleep, but now (16 years later) we both remember it fondly as the bonding time it really was."

And another shared just the opposite:

"My god, what an amazing mom you have. I vividly remember coming home from school around 12-13 yo, super excited to tell my mom all about my day, and she's sitting there reading her book, as always. No problem, I'm just telling her my stories while she's reading. Then that one time, I wondered is she actually listening? So I stopped mid-sentence and she didn't notice. I remember my heart just sank, and after that I never told her anything ever again. I don't think she noticed."

Diapering a doll isn't going to prepare you for wrangling a baby.

baby in white and black plaid shirtPhoto by Evelyn Semenyuk on Unsplash

"Practicing diapers on a doll doesn't count," wrote one commenter. "You're ready when you can do it on a cat."

HA. So true. Others shared their diaper wrangling woes as well:

"My first daughter was patient and would just let us change her. My second daughter wants nothing more than to roll over and crawl away. There's nowhere for her to go but she wants to go anyway."

"It's like, I am physically orders of magnitude stronger than her, how the hell does she still win?"

"My daughter has just perfected the alligator death roll technique when she doesn't want to be changed or put pants on lmao. And because she's 2 and a bit she laughs the whole time cause it's hilarious."

Don't even get me started on trying to get an unwilling jellyfish toddler buckled into a carseat.

All parents are winging it.

"I stupidly thought once I had a child I would automatically 'know' how to parent," wrote one commenter. "You're the same dummy before and after having a child, and you realize how much your parents were winging it."

"Leaving the hospital with that tiny fragile little being was terrifying," wrote another. "C-section delivery so they kept us a couple days longer. Lots of help from the amazing maternity ward, to the moment you realize you and your spouse are alone and now solely responsible for keeping this little baby alive."

"Yeah, it's like: "We can just leave? WITH the baby? Who approved this?" added another.

"The panicked looks my husband and I exchanged the first time we were left alone with our newborn will live forever in my mind," wrote yet another.

It really is surreal that you're just, like, handed a newborn baby and that's it. A whole life in your hands, and you're supposed to just figure out what to do with it. Good luck!

The relentlessness is real.

"Nothing prepared me for the sheer 'unrelentingness' of parenting," shared one parent. "Every day for many years has to be finished with a dinner/bath/bed routine that takes two hours, regardless of how tired, upset or unwell you are. Difficult enough if you've been at work all day, yes. But also if you're on holidays and got a little bit sunburnt, or been to a family wedding and overeaten, or spent the day assembling Ikea furniture and are just exhausted.

"As a childless adult you could occasionally say 'I'm just having takeaway tonight', and flop in front of the TV until bedtime. As a parent, that's not an option."

This is a truth that's hard to fathom but oh so real. Parenting never ends. You don't ever really get a break, even when you're lucky enough to kind of get a break. Your kids' well-being is always on your mind, even when you're not with them.

And it doesn't end at 18, either. Many commenters talked about how parenting is forever. You worry about your adult kids, too, just in a different way than when they were young and you were fully responsible for raising them.

woman in black shirt sitting beside man in white t-shirtPhoto by Hillshire Farm on Unsplash

This list might lead people to believe that parenting sucks, but it doesn't. I mean, sometimes it can, but that's true of anything in life. If you're fortunate and put in your best effort, the joy and fulfilment of parenting hopefully outweighs the hard parts. Getting a realistic picture of what it entails—both the delights and the challenges—can help people temper their expectations and take the roller coaster of parenting as it comes.


This article originally appeared on 11.22.21

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Woman featured in iconic Great Depression photo didn't know she was famous until 40 years later

Florence Owens Thompson later revealed she wished her photo had never been taken.

the great depression; Florence Thompson; Mona Lisa of the Great Depression; Mona Lisa; the depression; depression era
Photo by Dorothea Lange via Library of Congress
The woman from the famous Great Depression photo didn't know about her fame for 40 years.

It's one of the most iconic and haunting photos of all time, up there with the likes of Hindenburg, The Falling Soldier, Burning Monk, Napalm Girl, and many others. It's called simply Migrant Mother, and it paints a better picture of the time in which it was taken than any book or interview possibly could.

Nearly everyone across the globe knows Florence Owens Thompson's face from newspapers, magazines, and history books. The young, destitute mother was the face of The Great Depression, her worried, suntanned face looking absolutely defeated as several of her children took comfort by resting on her thin frame. Thompson put a human face and emotion behind the very real struggle of the era, but she wasn't even aware of her role in helping to bring awareness to the effects of the Great Depression on families.

It turns out that Dorothea Lange, the photographer responsible for capturing the worry-stricken mother in the now-famous photo, told Thompson that the photos wouldn't be published.

Of course, they subsequently were published in the San Francisco News. At the time the photo was taken, Thompson was supposedly only taking respite at the migrant campsite with her seven children after the family car broke down near the campsite. The photo was taken in March 1936 in Nipomo, California when Lange was concluding a month's long photography excursion documenting migrant farm labor.

the great depression; Florence Thompson; Mona Lisa of the Great Depression; Mona Lisa; the depression; depression era Worried mother and children during the Great Depression era. Photo by Dorthea Lange via Library of Congress

"Migrant worker" was a term that meant something quite different than it does today. It was primarily used in the 30s to describe poverty-stricken Americans who moved from town to town harvesting the crops for farmers.

The pay was abysmal and not enough to sustain a family, but harvesting was what Thompson knew as she was born and raised in "Indian Territory," (now Oklahoma) on a farm. Her father was Choctaw and her mother was white. After the death of her husband, Thompson supported her children the best way she knew how: working long hours in the field.

"I'd hit that cotton field before daylight and stay out there until it got so dark I couldn't see," Thompson told NBC in 1979 a few years before her death.

the great depression; Florence Thompson; Mona Lisa of the Great Depression; Mona Lisa; the depression; depression era A mother reflects with her children during the Great Depression. Photo by Dorthea Lange via Library of Congress

When talking about meeting Thompson, Lange wrote in her article titled "The Assignment I'll Never Forget: Migrant Mother," which appeared in Popular Photography, Feb. 1960, "I saw and approached the hungry and desperate mother, as if drawn by a magnet. I do not remember how I explained my presence or my camera to her, but I do remember she asked me no questions. I made five exposures, working closer and closer from the same direction. I did not ask her name or her history. She told me her age, that she was thirty-two. She said that they had been living on frozen vegetables from the surrounding fields, and birds that the children killed."

Lange goes on to surmise that Thompson cooperated because on some level she knew the photos would help, though from Thompson's account she had no idea the photos would make it to print. Without her knowledge, Thompson became known as "The Dustbowl Mona Lisa," which didn't translate into money in the poor family's pocket.

In fact, according to a history buff who goes by @baewatch86 on TikTok, Thompson didn't find out she was famous until 40 years later after a journalist tracked her down in 1978 to ask how she felt about being a famous face of the depression.

@baewatch86

Florence Thompson, American Motherhood. #fyppppppppppppppppppppppp #historytok #americanhistory #migrantmother #thegreatdepression #dorthealange #womenshistory

It turns out Thompson wished her photo had never been taken since she never received any funds for her likeness being used. Baewatch explains, "because Dorothea Lange's work was funded by the federal government this photo was considered public domain and therefore Mrs. Florence and her family are not entitled to the royalties."

While the photo didn't provide direct financial compensation for Thompson, the "virality" of it helped to feed migrant farm workers. "When these photos were published, it immediately caught people's attention. The federal government sent food and other resources to those migrant camps to help the people that were there that were starving, they needed resources and this is the catalyst. This photo was the catalyst to the government intercepting and providing aid to people," Baewatch shares.

- YouTube www.youtube.com

As for Lange, Migrant Mother was not her only influential photograph of the Great Depression. She captured many moving images of farmers who had been devastated by the Dust Bowl and were forced into a migrant lifestyle.

"Broke, baby sick, and car trouble!" is just one of her many incredible photos from the same year, 1937.

She also did tremendous work covering Japanese internment in the 1940s, and was eventually inducted into the International Photography Hall of Fame and Museum and the National Women's Hall of Fame.

the great depression; Florence Thompson; Mona Lisa of the Great Depression; Mona Lisa; the depression; depression era Families on the move suffered enormous hardships during The Great Depression.Photo by Dorthea Lange via Library of Congress

Thompson did find some semblance of financial comfort later in life when she married a man named George Thompson, who would be her third husband. In total, she had 10 children. When Thompson's health declined with age, people rallied around to help pay her medical bills citing the importance of the 1936 photo in their own lives. The "Migrant Mother" passed away in 1983, just over a week after her 80th birthday. She was buried in California.

"Florence Leona Thompson, Migrant Mother. A legend of the strength of American motherhood," her gravestone reads.

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Joy

Adults share their parents' most laugh-out-loud 'gramnesia' moments, and it's so relatable

"Sometimes I wonder if my parents have ever actually met a child."

gramnesia, gramnesia moment, boomer parents, boomer grandparents, gen x parenting, millennial parenting, family, family humor
Photo credit: Canva

If only raising kids was this easy.

"Gramnesia" is a term coined by Gen Xers and Millennials to poke fun at the way their parents seem to suddenly forget how truly difficult it is to raise young children once they've entered their grandparent era.

This leads to some pretty perplexing memories, like zero tantrums and no issues with sugar, all of which the now-adult children don't remember, because it didn't quite happen that way.

Recently, a woman named Ally Glasgow (@allyglasgow) shared a perfect example of this sometimes mind-boggling phenomenon, explaining how she and her mom had entirely different memories of potty training.

"[My mom] said, 'All of you were potty trained by two. All four girls.' And I'm like... I just don't feel like we were... I mean maybe?" Glasgow says in a TikTok video.

An even bigger "gramnesia" moment came while Glasgow was driving her mom to the airport, when she suggested that Glasgow "instill into your kids that when they wake up, they shouldn't talk until a certain time."

Perplexed, Glasgow asked, "Mom, what do you mean they don't talk?" Her mom finally acquiesced, adding, "Maybe they could whisper."

As though any parent in all of history has ever successfully instilled a rule like that. Maybe in Victorian times, but still. Do we really want to go back to that in this instance?

@allyglasgow God bless ya Laura
♬ original sound - allyglasgow

Glasgow's video inspired others to share their own equally funny "gramnesia" moments in an act of lighthearted solidarity:

"My mom has completely made up an entirely different childhood in her head lmao and when I call her out she gets SO MAD."

"Sometimes I wonder if my parents have ever actually met a child."

"My son has eczema and my mom says none of her kids ever had it but I literally have had eczema my entire life 😂"

"My mom says I was speaking sentences by 9 months old. No I was not. There's no way."

Bilizz GIFfrom Bilizz GIFs

"My parents both SWEAR that I was sleeping through the night at 3 weeks old and didn't need to wake up to feed or anything. So like okay you starved me???"

"My mom comments on my kids eating unhealthy as if I didn't grow up eating cereal, ramen, frozen meals, etc every single day because she didn't cook for us, like what?"

"My parents swear I was walking at 6 months old. Once I had kids I was like there is no physical way that is possible. They still swear it happened."

"My MIL had four boys and she tried to convince me that they didn't make much noise. lol okay 👌🏽"

Baby Celebration GIFfrom Baby GIFs

"My mom said 'kids need routine and structure' to me once but we were homeschooled and only did school when she felt like it."

"My mom said my sisters and I never snacked 🙄"

"My mom claims we never threw tantrums. Huh?! I remember throwing tantrums 😂"

Toddler Tantrum GIFfrom Toddler GIFs

"I can't remember details from when my kids were babies…and they are currently 3. You're telling me our parents remember tiny details from 35 years ago?!"

Bottom line: "gramnesia" is very real and, apparently, very universal. But maybe, in this instance, we can give grandparents some slack. Parenting is hard no matter what generation you hail from. Who knows? Many of us might also use rose-colored glasses as a coping mechanism at some point.

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In an iconic 1975 clip, a teenage Michael Jackson stuns Cher during hypnotic robot dance duet

The clip marks a turning point in Michael Jackson's iconic public persona.

jacksons, michael jackson, robot dance, Cher, 1970s TV
via Cher/YouTube

Cher and The Jackson 5 doing the robot dance.

One of the most distinctive aspects of Michael Jackson's mega-stardom was that he grew up almost entirely in the public eye. He began performing with his brothers at age five and remained a significant figure in American pop culture until he died in 2009.

He burst onto the scene as a child with an incredibly soulful voice. He became an electrifying performer as a teen before rocketing to superstardom at 20 with the release of his first solo album, 1979's Off the Wall. One of the pivotal moments when the public witnessed this transformation came in 1975, when 16-year-old Michael performed with his brothers, The Jackson 5, on The Cher Show.

The Jackson 5 and Cher performed a medley of the band's biggest hits, including "I Want You Back," "I'll Be There," and "Never Can Say Goodbye." But the most memorable moment came when Michael and his brothers broke into the robot dance during "Dancing Machine," and Cher did her best to keep up.

The Jackson 5 and Cher do the robot dance

It's fun watching Cher try to fall in line with the Jacksons, while Michael absolutely kills it, gyrating like an animatronic on hyperdrive during his solo.

- YouTube www.youtube.com

The Jackson 5 may have helped bring the robot dance into the public consciousness by incorporating it into performances of their 1973 hit "Dancing Machine." But it traces back to mechanical "mannequin" dances from the early days of film. In the 1960s, Robin Shields, a popular mime, performed as a robot on late-night talk shows. By the 1970s, dancers had set those moves to music on shows such as Soul Train.

- YouTube www.youtube.com

In a 2003 interview, Cher said she had to learn the moves on the fly from the Jacksons.

"Think of how hard it was for me to learn to do that, and the guys just knew how to do it. I've been working all day, and they just came on and said, 'Okay, sure, this is how you do it,'" Cher recalled. "I had a lot of fun on that show. It was a lot of work, but I had a lot of fun. You know, and I got to work with some great people."

What's also notable about the performance is that Michael's voice had changed, and he sang in a deeper register than he had as a child a few years earlier.

Things changed for Cher and the Jacksons in 1976

By the following year, things had changed for both The Jackson 5 and Cher. Cher reunited with her ex-husband, Sonny Bono, for The Sonny and Cher Show, which ran until 1977. In 1976, The Jackson 5 left Motown Records for Epic Records and changed their name to The Jacksons. Jermaine Jackson temporarily left the group to pursue a solo career, and he was replaced by his brother, Randy.

Here's The Jackson 5's complete performance on The Cher Show from March 16, 1975:

- YouTube www.youtube.com

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Pets

When do you know it's time to let a pet go? Veterinarians weigh in on tough end-of-life decisions.

There's a lot to consider, but one thing nearly all vets agree on.

pet, pet owners, veterinarian, euthanasia, dog
Photo credit: Canva

It's hard to know when it's time to say goodbye to a beloved pet.

When we bring a new pet into the family, the last thing we want to think about is saying our final goodbyes to them. But life expectancies being what they are means the vast majority of pet owners will have to let go of their furry family members at some point. Either old age or terminal illness will force difficult decisions about when "it's time" for a dog or a cat, and determining if or when to euthanize can feel like an impossible choice.

Popular foster dog mom Isabel Klee found herself in a position of having to make that choice with a foster dog she had only been caring for for a short time. Zero came to her as a 12-year-old dog with medical and behavioral issues, and when it became clear that medical treatment and loads of love weren't enough to keep him from suffering, Klee decided the kindest course of action was to give Zero a loving family to hold him as he crossed "the rainbow bridge."

@simonsits

Two days ago, as our final act of love, Zero officially became part of our family ❤️ @Muddy Paws Rescue @Animal Care Centers of NYC

Klee received a lot of understanding and empathy, but also some criticism for putting Zero down, which prompted some discussion on the topic of when and how to determine when euthanasia is the right choice.

Euthanasia literally means "good death," though people often use other terminology like "putting down" or "putting to sleep" to describe the process of conscientiously ending an animal's life to save them from suffering. Our pets don't have the cognitive abilities to understand why they are experiencing pain or confusion and they don't have the ability to tell us what they are experiencing. So how do we know when it's time to make the choice to give them a painless end?

We asked veterinarians and people who work with end-of-life care for animals to weigh in.

pet, pet owners, veterinarian, euthanasia, dog Animals aren't able to tell us exactly how they are feeling.Photo credit: Canva

Prioritize the pet's quality of life

Dr. Bethany Hsia is a veterinarian and co-founder of CodaPet, a network of vets offering compassionate in-home euthanasia. She tells Upworthy that the primary consideration should always be a pet's quality of life and offers a "quality of life scale" to help owners objectively assess various aspects of their pet's daily life, such as pain, hunger, hydration, hygiene, happiness, and mobility.

Hsia says vets often see owners waiting until the animal is in severe pain or distress before deciding to euthanize, often due to emotional attachment. "Veterinarians are trained to guide owners toward the most humane decision without directly imposing it," she says, offering five approaches vets might use to help empower and support owners to arrive at the decision themselves, rather than feeling pressured:

1. First of all, a vet might say, "How many good days would you say your pet has had this week compared to bad days?" or "When the bad days start to outnumber the good days, that's often a sign that their quality of life is significantly impacted.”

2. Second, a vet may emphasize pain management limitations by saying, "We've tried increasing the pain medication, but it doesn't seem to be providing lasting relief anymore, and we're reaching the maximum safe dosage" or "At this point, any further increase in medication would likely cause more side effects than benefits.”

3. Third, a vet may highlight basic needs by saying, "Is he still eating and drinking adequately on his own?" or "Are you finding it increasingly difficult to keep him clean and comfortable?”

4. Fourth, a vet might describe the next phase of a disease by saying, “Given the progression of cancer, we anticipate that his condition will continue to worsen, and he will likely experience more discomfort in the coming weeks.”

5. Finally, a vet may discuss the "Gift of Euthanasia." While not directly saying it is time, a vet might gently introduce the concept of euthanasia as a final act of kindness. The most compassionate thing we can do for our pets is to prevent them from experiencing further pain and suffering.

pet, pet owners, veterinarian, euthanasia, cat Vets often share clues that "it's time."Photo credit: Canva

Don't wait for their worst day

Dr. Elizabeth Benson, veterinarian and founder of Paws into Grace, a Southern California-based company that specializes in end-of-life pet care, says that vets also help by ruling out things that are treatable. "For example, if a pet is vomiting and having anorexia, rule out pancreatitis or simple gastroenteritis," she says. "These are treatable diseases that can affect older pets. These diseases are very different from cancer that can present with the same clinical symptoms.”

"If I have a diagnosis and we know that something isn't treatable, then it goes into quality of life,” says Dr. Benson. “Is their physical health deteriorating and not responding to care? Is their social emotional health compromised? Are they in pain? Are there red flags that can have an acute crisis and we should intervene to prevent suffering? All of these things should be considered when deciding if it’s time.”

“Many times, we have pet parents who cancel their euthanasia appointment because they think the pet is recovering one day, only to later have an emergency situation where the pet is suffering and actively dying in their presence, unassisted by a veterinarian,” adds Dr. Benson. “As hard as it is to make the decision to euthanize a pet during this time, we encourage owners to let their pets be at peace while they are having a good day in order to minimize suffering and avoid an emergency.”

pet, pet owners, veterinarian, euthanasia, dog A little early is better than too late.Photo credit: Canva

Don't overemphasize eating or not eating

"Many owners become reluctant to euthanize their pet because they are still eating," says Dr. Ray Spragley of Zen Dog Veterinary Care. "Eating is necessary for survival and most pet's will eat unless they are very nauseous or extremely weak. If their pet cannot walk and is in pain but still eating their quality of life is not good. Owners should think about their pet's pain levels, overall independence, and ability to partake in things they enjoy. In many pets they will not have overt disease but due to age related decline they may have cognitive dysfunction (Dementia). If mentally they are not able to process what is going on around them and are confused that also constitutes a poor quality of life. Signs of pain pet owners should look for are excessive panting, shivering, sensitivity to touch, and aggression."

As a companion animal death doula, Kate LaSala, owner of Rescued By Training LLC shares similar advice:

"When assessing quality of life, it’s not just 'is he still eating?' Quality of life isn’t just about physical health but whether the animal still enjoys daily activities. Can they eat, drink, move and interact with family and their environment in a meaningful way? Are there things that still bring joy to them every day? Are they having more good days than bad days?

It can also help to understand the difference between pain and suffering when making end-of-life decisions. Pain can often be managed but suffering is not only physical but psychological.

I coach clients to look for behavior changes, like a pet that is confused, anxious, chronically uncomfortable, or unable to perform basic functions like breathing, walking, moving, eating, grooming, or relieving themselves. Even if their pain is 'under control' they are likely suffering if they cannot perform basic functions without struggling or assistance."

- YouTube www.youtube.com

Start thinking about end-of-life details early

Lisa Franzetta is also an animal end-of-life doula and a doctor of acupuncture and integrative medicine who treats animals at a holistic veterinary practice in the San Francisco Bay Area. She recommends pet owners pay attention to the signs their animal is well and happy before they decline:

"Ideally, I encourage companion animal guardians to start the process of end-of-life decision making before their animal is very sick, if they have this opportunity. If pet parents tell me their animal is feeling great–I ask them to describe how their animal shows them this. Are they eating their favorite food with gusto? Enjoying their daily walks? Seeking out snuggles and playtime?

By having these mental notes about our animals at their happiest, it can be easier to track when, closer to end-of-life, our beloved animals are no longer able to experience their greatest joys.

Conversely, if a pet parent relays that they think their animal is uncomfortable, stressed, or otherwise not thriving, I ask for details about how they show this. Does a dog who always loved walks now refuse to get out of bed? Does a formerly social cat now hide under the bed much of the day? I will also ask if their animal seems to have more good days than bad days, and help them see when there might be a shift occurring, if an ailing pet is now having more bad days than good ones.

Similarly, if the medication or treatment required to sustain an animal’s life is very stressful for the animal and/or their guardian, I like to share that this is also a quality of life factor worthy of consideration. For instance, if veterinary treatment requires frequent vet visits which are terrifying to a very anxious dog; or if a cat who formerly followed you around your home now hides from you to avoid daily medications–these factors are very reasonable to consider as part of assessing your animal’s quality of life."

Ultimately, end-of-life decisions boil down to what is kindest and most humane for our pet companions. Experts agree that quality of life is key, and that erring on the side of too early is better than too late. As hard as it is to let them go, a peaceful, painless passing is often the best gift we can give to thank our animal family members for the joy and love they shared with us throughout their lives.

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Adults share 'overrated adult goals' that younger people should avoid falling for

You don't have to love your career.

advice; generational advice; overrated goals; gen z; millennials; life goals
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Adults share 'overrated adult goals' younger people should avoid

It can feel nearly impossible to get around all of the things society tells young adults they should be striving for, but everyone doesn't want the same things. Many adults have fallen into the trap of collective thinking based on societal indications of success. Some of those adults have decided to leave a few wise words for the generations coming up behind them.

In an effort to ensure that young people don't make the same mistakes, adults on Reddit are sharing "adult goals" that are actually overrated. Everyone doesn't need or even wants to be a "hashtag boss babe." Some people are perfectly happy knitting hats for cats without attempting to turn it into a side hustle for extra cash.

Overwhelmingly, warn young people against making hobbies into a side business

advice; generational advice; overrated goals; gen z; millennials; life goals Relaxed moment by the window with a thoughtful gaze.Photo credit: Canva

"Turning every single hobby into a 'side hustle.' The Internet has convinced us that if you’re good at something, you must monetize it. No, Sarah, I don’t want to start an Etsy shop for my paintings. I just want to be mediocre at something for fun without checking my profit margins or SEO. Not everything needs to be a business," Reddit user JulMayoooo responds to the question, "What's the most overrated 'adult goal' people chase" on the AskReddit forum.

"The best way to ruin your favorite hobby is to try to turn it into your side hustle. Now it’s not that fun thing that you look forward to doing, now it’s work and you have forever ruined something that used to bring you joy," v4v4v4v4 agrees.

People remind others that it's fine to be mediocre at your job

advice; generational advice; overrated goals; gen z; millennials; life goals Friendly conversation in a bright office setting.Photo credit: Canva

"The idea that you need to be passionate about your career and do what you love. Sometimes a job is just a paycheck that funds the life you actually want to live. There’s nothing wrong with being mediocre at work if you’re thriving elsewhere," viedoklis writes.

"I think it should be more acceptable for white collar jobs especially to just be a means to an end, rather than a sort of 'life passion'. As long as you do the job competently and take it seriously then you should be free to enjoy your life outside of work and pay your bills in peace," I-love-you-Dr-Zaius says.

GeneralLeeFrank shares, "I think people get stuck in this idea that we all have to chase the job that relates to our personal interests. I think sometimes it just doesn't work that way. It's an easy way to burn out and hate what you used to love."

advice; generational advice; overrated goals; gen z; millennials; life goals Understanding the Parent-Teen Connection: A Digital Moment.Photo credit: Canva

Relationships shouldn't be a goal, but a "pleasant outcome"

"I think there are things that shouldn’t be a “goal” at all but just a pleasant outcome, like getting married or being in a relationship or having kids. People that are dogmatic about stuff like this and kind of force it usually create a disaster," Ancient_Surprise_198 tells others.

"100% agree, so many couples that get married because it's the next step then get a kid and talk divorce in the span of like 3 to 5 years. You don't have to do things because they were presented has a life goal, that's how you end up 25 divorced and resentful but still attached for life at that person because you had a kid," fafarex says.

Others debunk the overrated goal of being your own boss

advice; generational advice; overrated goals; gen z; millennials; life goals Photo credit: Canva

"'Being your own boss.' People look at owners of already successful businesses and think that is what starting your own business i like. Unless you are already rich and are able to just pay other people to do all the work, starting and owning your own business means you spend every waking hour working to keep your business afloat," EnycmaPie reveals.

"Couldn't agree more. When i started my business i was not earning no money for the first 6-7 months. Then it was constant work, no days off. I wasn't working physically everyday (Independent house builder) but there was always phone calls or emails to be had. Sometimes i do think that a good paying job would be better," Wise-Pay-8993 shares.

advice; generational advice; overrated goals; gen z; millennials; life goals Older man talking to younger man.Photo credit: Canva

Owning a home doesn't have to be the goal.

"Buying a house. Would be nice if you can but it doesn’t make you a failure if you can’t. Especially in this economy," ryanorion16 writes.

"I used to own a house and now rent. I actually prefer renting for various reasons. My parents thought it was throwing money down the toilet until I told them how much my mortgage was, how much I got from the sale of the house after 10 years, and all the unexpected expenses that popped up as a homeowner," canteatsandwiches agrees.


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