Relationship expert explains why 'anxious' and 'avoidant' people always fall in love
They're like magnets, for better or worse.
People with avoidant and anxious attachment styules can have dificult relationships.
Attachment styles are the unique ways we connect with other people, and it is believed they are determined by the relationships we have with our caregivers as children. There are four main types. First, there’s the “secure” attachment style, where people feel comfortable with intimacy and independence. They're comfortable in relationships and okay doing their own thing, too.
Second, there's the “anxious” style, where people often worry about their relationships and need extra reassurance that everything's okay. Third, people with the “avoidant” attachment style value independence and become uncomfortable when people get too close.
Lastly, there's the “anxious-avoidant” style. They are a complex mix of wanting to be close while afraid of getting hurt.
Obviously, the best chance of having a healthy relationship is being with someone with a secure attachment style. Relationship expert Julie Menanno says that people with anxious and avoidant attachment styles often push away those with a secure attachment style. “Secure partners aren’t comfortable with the anxious partner’s insecurity and overbearing ways, and they aren’t compatible with the avoidant partner’s lack of autistic emotional engagement,” Menanno wrote on Instagram.
However, anxious and avoidant attachment styles attract each other like magnets, and those relationships can be challenging to navigate.
Menanno says that people with anxious and avoidant attachment styles are drawn to one another because the avoidant partner is often the “dating persuer” who makes the anxious partner feel wanted and loved. The avoidant partner falls for the anxious person’s vulnerability because it helps them “connect to feelings they don’t get to experience within themselves.”
So, in the beginning, both partners are brought together through their unique attachment styles. But then things will start to change.
“People with an anxious attachment style may pursue closeness and reassurance from their partner. People with an avoidant attachment style may feel overwhelmed by what they perceive as neediness or demands for intimacy,” Stephanie A. Sarkis, Ph.D., writes in Psychology Today. “This difference between the two attachment styles can lead to a cycle of pursuing and distancing behaviors in which no one gets their needs met in the relationship.”
So when people with avoidant and anxious attachment styles fall in love, are they doomed to break up or stay together and suffer from being on a constant emotional roller coaster? Menanno believes that there’s hope for them to find happiness.
"The good news is: both partners can use the relationship as a platform for healing,” Menanno writes. “Each can learn how to manage their attachment experiences and behaviors in ways that create a new environment, one that fosters secure attachment."
There is no simple solution where people can change their attachment style overnight. But hope begins the moment they realize their attachment style so they know how to ask for help. It all starts with self-awareness and a willingness to change.
“Developing self-awareness, understanding attachment styles, attending therapy, and learning effective communication can help people navigate anxious-avoidant relationship dynamics and build healthier and more securely attached relationships,” Dr. Sarkis writes.
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There's a reason why some people can perfectly copy accents, and others can't
Turns out, there's a neurodivergent link.
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Have you ever had that friend who goes on vacation for four days to London and comes back with a full-on Queen's English posh accent? "Oooh I left my brolly in the loo," they say, and you respond, "But you're from Colorado!" Well, there are reasons they (and many of us) do that, and usually it's on a pretty subconscious level.
It's called "accent mirroring," and it's actually quite common with people who are neurodivergent, particularly those with ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder). According Neurolaunch, the self-described "Free Mental Health Library," "Accent mirroring, also known as accent adaptation or phonetic convergence, is the tendency to unconsciously adopt the accent or speech patterns of those around us. This linguistic chameleon effect is not unique to individuals with ADHD, but it appears to be more pronounced and frequent in this population."
Essentially, when people have conversations, we're constantly "scanning" for information—not just the words we're absorbing, but the inflection and tone. "When we hear an accent, our brains automatically analyze and categorize the phonetic features, prosody, and intonation patterns," writes Neurolaunch. For most, this does result in copying the accent of the person with whom we're speaking. But those with ADHD might be more sensitive to auditory cues. This, "coupled with a reduced ability to filter out or inhibit the impulse to mimic…could potentially explain the increased tendency for accent mirroring."
While the article explains further research is needed, they distinctly state that, "Accent mirroring in individuals with ADHD often manifests as an unconscious mimicry of accents in social situations. This can range from subtle shifts in pronunciation to more noticeable changes in intonation and speech rhythm. For example, a person with ADHD might find themselves unconsciously adopting a Southern drawl when conversing with someone from Texas, even if they’ve never lived in the South themselves."
People are having their say online. On the subreddit r/ADHDWomen, a thread began: "Taking on accents is an ADHD thing?" The OP shares, "My whole life, I've picked up accents. I, myself, never noticed, but everyone around me would be like, 'Why are you talking like that??' It could be after I watched a show or movie with an accent or after I've traveled somewhere with a different accent than my 'normal.'
They continue, "Apparently, I pick it up fast, but it fades out slowly. Today... I'm scrolling Instagram, I watch a reel from a comedian couple (Darcy and Jeremy. IYKYK) about how Darcy (ADHD) picks up accents everywhere they go. It's called ADHD Mirroring??? And it's another way of masking."
(The OP is referring to Darcy Michaels and his husband Jeremy Baer, who are both touring comedians based in Canada.)
Hundreds of people on the Reddit thread alone seem to relate. One comments, "Omfg I've done this my whole life; I'll even pick up on the pauses/spaces when I'm talking to someone who is ESL—but English is my first language lol."
Sometimes, it can be a real issue for those around the chameleon. "I accidentally mimicked a waitress's weird laugh one time. As soon as she was out of earshot, my family started to reprimand me, but I was already like 'oh my god I don’t know why I did that, I feel so bad.'"
Many commenters on TikTok were shocked to find out this can be a sign of ADHD. One jokes, "Omg, yes, at a store the cashier was talking to me and she was French. She's like 'Oh are you French too? No, I'm not lol. I'm very east coast Canada."
And some people just embrace it and make it work for them. "I mirror their words or phrase! I’m 30. I realized I start calling everyone sweetie cause my manager does & I work at coffee shop."