Relationship expert explains why 'anxious' and 'avoidant' people always fall in love
They're like magnets, for better or worse.
People with avoidant and anxious attachment styules can have dificult relationships.
Attachment styles are the unique ways we connect with other people, and it is believed they are determined by the relationships we have with our caregivers as children. There are four main types. First, there’s the “secure” attachment style, where people feel comfortable with intimacy and independence. They're comfortable in relationships and okay doing their own thing, too.
Second, there's the “anxious” style, where people often worry about their relationships and need extra reassurance that everything's okay. Third, people with the “avoidant” attachment style value independence and become uncomfortable when people get too close.
Lastly, there's the “anxious-avoidant” style. They are a complex mix of wanting to be close while afraid of getting hurt.
Obviously, the best chance of having a healthy relationship is being with someone with a secure attachment style. Relationship expert Julie Menanno says that people with anxious and avoidant attachment styles often push away those with a secure attachment style. “Secure partners aren’t comfortable with the anxious partner’s insecurity and overbearing ways, and they aren’t compatible with the avoidant partner’s lack of autistic emotional engagement,” Menanno wrote on Instagram.
However, anxious and avoidant attachment styles attract each other like magnets, and those relationships can be challenging to navigate.
Menanno says that people with anxious and avoidant attachment styles are drawn to one another because the avoidant partner is often the “dating persuer” who makes the anxious partner feel wanted and loved. The avoidant partner falls for the anxious person’s vulnerability because it helps them “connect to feelings they don’t get to experience within themselves.”
So, in the beginning, both partners are brought together through their unique attachment styles. But then things will start to change.
“People with an anxious attachment style may pursue closeness and reassurance from their partner. People with an avoidant attachment style may feel overwhelmed by what they perceive as neediness or demands for intimacy,” Stephanie A. Sarkis, Ph.D., writes in Psychology Today. “This difference between the two attachment styles can lead to a cycle of pursuing and distancing behaviors in which no one gets their needs met in the relationship.”
So when people with avoidant and anxious attachment styles fall in love, are they doomed to break up or stay together and suffer from being on a constant emotional roller coaster? Menanno believes that there’s hope for them to find happiness.
"The good news is: both partners can use the relationship as a platform for healing,” Menanno writes. “Each can learn how to manage their attachment experiences and behaviors in ways that create a new environment, one that fosters secure attachment."
There is no simple solution where people can change their attachment style overnight. But hope begins the moment they realize their attachment style so they know how to ask for help. It all starts with self-awareness and a willingness to change.
“Developing self-awareness, understanding attachment styles, attending therapy, and learning effective communication can help people navigate anxious-avoidant relationship dynamics and build healthier and more securely attached relationships,” Dr. Sarkis writes.
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An Irish woman went to the doctor for a routine eye exam. She left with bright neon green eyes.
It's not easy seeing green.
Did she get superpowers?
Going to the eye doctor can be a hassle and a pain. It's not just the routine issues and inconveniences that come along when making a doctor appointment, but sometimes the various devices being used to check your eyes' health feel invasive and uncomfortable. But at least at the end of the appointment, most of us don't look like we're turning into The Incredible Hulk. That wasn't the case for one Irish woman.
Photographer Margerita B. Wargola was just going in for a routine eye exam at the hospital but ended up leaving with her eyes a shocking, bright neon green.
At the doctor's office, the nurse practitioner was prepping Wargola for a test with a machine that Wargola had experienced before. Before the test started, Wargola presumed the nurse had dropped some saline into her eyes, as they were feeling dry. After she blinked, everything went yellow.
Wargola and the nurse initially panicked. Neither knew what was going on as Wargola suddenly had yellow vision and radioactive-looking green eyes. After the initial shock, both realized the issue: the nurse forgot to ask Wargola to remove her contact lenses before putting contrast drops in her eyes for the exam. Wargola and the nurse quickly removed the lenses from her eyes and washed them thoroughly with saline. Fortunately, Wargola's eyes were unharmed. Unfortunately, her contacts were permanently stained and she didn't bring a spare pair.
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Since she has poor vision, Wargola was forced to drive herself home after the eye exam wearing the neon-green contact lenses that make her look like a member of the Green Lantern Corps. She couldn't help but laugh at her predicament and recorded a video explaining it all on social media. Since then, her video has sparked a couple Reddit threads and collected a bunch of comments on Instagram:
“But the REAL question is: do you now have X-Ray vision?”
“You can just say you're a superhero.”
“I would make a few stops on the way home just to freak some people out!”
“I would have lived it up! Grab a coffee, do grocery shopping, walk around a shopping center.”
“This one would pair well with that girl who ate something with turmeric with her invisalign on and walked around Paris smiling at people with seemingly BRIGHT YELLOW TEETH.”
“I would save those for fancy special occasions! WOW!”
“Every time I'd stop I'd turn slowly and stare at the person in the car next to me.”
“Keep them. Tell people what to do. They’ll do your bidding.”
In a follow-up Instagram video, Wargola showed her followers that she was safe at home with normal eyes, showing that the damaged contact lenses were so stained that they turned the saline solution in her contacts case into a bright Gatorade yellow. She wasn't mad at the nurse and, in fact, plans on keeping the lenses to wear on St. Patrick's Day or some other special occasion.
While no harm was done and a good laugh was had, it's still best for doctors, nurses, and patients alike to double-check and ask or tell if contact lenses are being worn before each eye test. If not, there might be more than ultra-green eyes to worry about.