Mom says kids need to 'entertain each other' on playdates because she isn't doing it.
"I’m not producing the fun.”
Children playing with blocks.
One woman wonders if she somehow “missed a whole chapter in mom lessons” for her more laissez faire attitude towards playdates.
In a video posted to her TikTok, Lisa Pontius shared that she doesn’t organize playdates when her daughter has friends over, but instead gives them “free reign” to “do their own thing.”
“You know the rules, you’re almost 10, you’re good, you’re on your own. I’ll make lunch, I’ll make snacks, I’ll help you open things, but I’m not producing the fun,” she said.
After seeing how other families handle playdates, however, Pontius feels that her approach “controversial.”
“When I send my kids to other people’s houses, they’re like, ‘Yeah, we made model robots and we went to the zoo,’” she quipped.
Pontius did add a disclaimer, saying “Don’t get me wrong: I love that for the other moms — you want to bake cookies with my kid with five other kids over? Have a blast.”
But for her, “The playdate’s the activity…I thought the whole point of having another kid over is so that they would just play with their stuff and entertain each other.” And while the kids are entertaining themselves, she’s catching up on chores and laundry.
Pontius then asked viewers to weigh in, saying “When your kids have friends over, do you have pre-set activities that you know that you’re going to bring out for them to do? Or do you just let them be kids and have free rein of the house and their toys?”
“ ... If I’m the only one ... I’m going to start coming up with an itinerary.”
@itsme_lisap Do you have a playdate itinerary? #momlife #momsoftiktok #playdate ♬ original sound - Lisa P
Judging by the comments, Pontius certainly doesn't need to feel alone. Plenty of other parents shared how they too opt for more hands-off playdates.
“The playdate definitely is the activity! Kids need free play. Seriously. I’m a parenting educator.”
“The social connection is the activity. It gives them time to learn to compromise, talk, be creative and just enjoy being themselves.”
“I never prearrange activities. Maybe we’ll go somewhere occasionally, but I don’t figure out activities in our home. I think kids need to learn to entertain themselves as a vital skill!”
“I would plan for maybe up to 3 or 4 years old but not beyond. They need to use their imaginations!”
Mom of three here. They are all grown now but in my playdate era, IALWAYs left them to their own imagination and energy. Occasionally we’d have something available as a special activity but not always.”
"We're supposed to plan something?"
Others countered that sometimes, some structure is beneficial. Necessary even—depending on kids’ ages and personalities.
“Depends on the friends. Some act too feral and trash our house so I have to plan.”
“It always depended on which friends were coming over. Some kids needed a combination of organized and free play.”
“I have a backup activity if they need help getting started because toddlers can be weird and just stare at each other.”
Honestly, these are all valid points. Structured activities and free play both have equally important roles in a kid’s life.
One helps them learn how to follow rules and achieve a goal while the other stimulates their imagination and independence. As with most things, balance is key.
And for many kids already attending school (which, minus recess, is a pretty much all structured activities), maybe a playdate where they set the pace is exactly what’s needed to achieve said balance.
Point being, every kid needs a little something different. So whether parents are team #plannedactivity or #freeplayFTW, there’s no reason to feel like they’re doing parenting wrong somehow.
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There's a reason why some people can perfectly copy accents, and others can't
Turns out, there's a neurodivergent link.
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Have you ever had that friend who goes on vacation for four days to London and comes back with a full-on Queen's English posh accent? "Oooh I left my brolly in the loo," they say, and you respond, "But you're from Colorado!" Well, there are reasons they (and many of us) do that, and usually it's on a pretty subconscious level.
It's called "accent mirroring," and it's actually quite common with people who are neurodivergent, particularly those with ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder). According Neurolaunch, the self-described "Free Mental Health Library," "Accent mirroring, also known as accent adaptation or phonetic convergence, is the tendency to unconsciously adopt the accent or speech patterns of those around us. This linguistic chameleon effect is not unique to individuals with ADHD, but it appears to be more pronounced and frequent in this population."
Essentially, when people have conversations, we're constantly "scanning" for information—not just the words we're absorbing, but the inflection and tone. "When we hear an accent, our brains automatically analyze and categorize the phonetic features, prosody, and intonation patterns," writes Neurolaunch. For most, this does result in copying the accent of the person with whom we're speaking. But those with ADHD might be more sensitive to auditory cues. This, "coupled with a reduced ability to filter out or inhibit the impulse to mimic…could potentially explain the increased tendency for accent mirroring."
While the article explains further research is needed, they distinctly state that, "Accent mirroring in individuals with ADHD often manifests as an unconscious mimicry of accents in social situations. This can range from subtle shifts in pronunciation to more noticeable changes in intonation and speech rhythm. For example, a person with ADHD might find themselves unconsciously adopting a Southern drawl when conversing with someone from Texas, even if they’ve never lived in the South themselves."
People are having their say online. On the subreddit r/ADHDWomen, a thread began: "Taking on accents is an ADHD thing?" The OP shares, "My whole life, I've picked up accents. I, myself, never noticed, but everyone around me would be like, 'Why are you talking like that??' It could be after I watched a show or movie with an accent or after I've traveled somewhere with a different accent than my 'normal.'
They continue, "Apparently, I pick it up fast, but it fades out slowly. Today... I'm scrolling Instagram, I watch a reel from a comedian couple (Darcy and Jeremy. IYKYK) about how Darcy (ADHD) picks up accents everywhere they go. It's called ADHD Mirroring??? And it's another way of masking."
(The OP is referring to Darcy Michaels and his husband Jeremy Baer, who are both touring comedians based in Canada.)
Hundreds of people on the Reddit thread alone seem to relate. One comments, "Omfg I've done this my whole life; I'll even pick up on the pauses/spaces when I'm talking to someone who is ESL—but English is my first language lol."
Sometimes, it can be a real issue for those around the chameleon. "I accidentally mimicked a waitress's weird laugh one time. As soon as she was out of earshot, my family started to reprimand me, but I was already like 'oh my god I don’t know why I did that, I feel so bad.'"
Many commenters on TikTok were shocked to find out this can be a sign of ADHD. One jokes, "Omg, yes, at a store the cashier was talking to me and she was French. She's like 'Oh are you French too? No, I'm not lol. I'm very east coast Canada."
And some people just embrace it and make it work for them. "I mirror their words or phrase! I’m 30. I realized I start calling everyone sweetie cause my manager does & I work at coffee shop."