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acceptance

Identity

My wife surprised her coworkers when she came out as trans. Then they surprised her.

She was ready for one reaction but was greeted with a beautiful response.

All photos by Amanda Jette, used with permission.

Zoe comes out to her coworkers.


Society, pay attention. This is important.

My wife, Zoe, is transgender. She came out to us — the kids and me — last summer and then slowly spread her beautiful feminine wings with extended family, friends, and neighbors.

A little coming out here, a little coming out there — you know how it is.

It's been a slow, often challenging process of telling people something so personal and scary, but pretty much everyone has been amazing.

However, she dreaded coming out at the office.

She works at a large technology company, managing a team of software developers in a predominantly male office environment. She's known many of her co-workers and employees for 15 or so years. They have called her "he" and "him" and "Mr." for a very long time. How would they handle the change?

While we have laws in place in Ontario, Canada, to protect the rights of transgender employees, it does not shield them from awkwardness, quiet judgment, or loss of workplace friendships. Your workplace may not become outright hostile, but it can sometimes become a difficult place to go to every day because people only tolerate you rather than fully accept you.

But this transition needed to happen, and so Zoe carefully crafted a coming out email and sent it to everyone she works with.

The support was immediately apparent; she received about 75 incredibly kind responses from coworkers, both local and international.

She then took one week off, followed by a week where she worked solely from home. It was only last Monday when she finally went back to the office.

First day back at work! I asked if I could take a "first day of school" type picture with her lunchbox. She said no. Spoilsport.

Despite knowing how nice her colleagues are and having read so many positive responses to her email, she was understandably still nervous.

Hell, I was nervous. I made her promise to text me 80 billion times with updates and was more than prepared to go down there with my advocacy pants on if I needed to (I might be a tad overprotective).

And that's when her office pals decided to show the rest of us how to do it right.

She got in and found that a couple of them had decorated her cubicle to surprise her:

LGBTQ, coming out, work

Her cubicle decorated with butterflies.

All photos by Amanda Jette, used with permission.

Butterflies! Streamers! Rainbows! OMG!

And made sure her new name was prominently displayed in a few locations:

empathy, employment, understanding

Zoe written on the board.

All photos by Amanda Jette, used with permission.

They got her a beautiful lily with a "Welcome, Zoe!" card:

coworkers, mental health, community

Welcome lily and card

All photos by Amanda Jette, used with permission.

And this tearjerker quote was waiting for her on her desk:

Oscar Wilde, job, employment

A quote from Oscar Wilde.

All photos by Amanda Jette, used with permission.

To top it all off, a 10 a.m. "meeting" she was scheduled to attend was actually a coming out party to welcome her back to work as her true self — complete with coffee and cupcakes and handshakes and hugs.

acceptance, friendship, relationships

Coming out party with cupcakes.

All photos by Amanda Jette, used with permission.

(I stole one, and it was delicious.)

NO, I'M NOT CRYING. YOU'RE CRYING.

I did go to my wife's office that day. But instead of having my advocacy pants on, I had my hugging arms ready and some mascara in my purse in case I cried it off while thanking everyone.

I wish we lived in a world where it was no big deal to come out.

Sadly, that is not the case for many LGBTQ people. We live in a world of bathroom bills and "religious freedom" laws that directly target the members of our community. We live in a world where my family gets threats for daring to speak out for trans rights. We live in a world where we can't travel to certain locations for fear of discrimination — or worse.

So when I see good stuff happening — especially when it takes place right on our doorstep — I'm going to share it far and wide. Let's normalize this stuff. Let's make celebrating diversity our everyday thing rather than hating or fearing it.

Chill out, haters. Take a load off with us.

It's a lot of energy to judge people, you know. It's way more fun to celebrate and support them for who they are.

Besides, we have cupcakes.


This article originally appeared on 04.08.16.

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She was getting ready for Pride. What her grandma did brought the internet to tears.

Meet Lexie Nobrega. She saw Pride Month as a great reason to celebrate and spend time with her grandparents.

The 21-year-old who lives and studies in Norfolk, Virginia, traveled to Washington, D.C., for the city's Pride Month festivities. Not only would Nobrega celebrate being herself, she'd also get to spend a few nights with her grandparents — two of her favorite people.

Her grandmother's small act of kindness on the day of the Capital Pride Festival is now going viral.

When Nobrega woke up to get ready that morning, her grandma, Hermina, walked into the room, took one look at the creases on her granddaughter's bisexual Pride flag and thought, "No, this won't do." So she got out her iron and started "pressing it out."

Nobrega was overcome with emotion and wanted to remember the moment, so she snapped a picture for social media. Her intention was just to share it with family, but the gesture was so poignant that the photo quickly rocketed into the world, fueled by tens of thousands of likes and retweets.

Nobrega says her grandmother also ironed out the rest of her costume so she wouldn't go to Pride looking anything but her best.

This kind of support is nothing new for her grandparents.

Nobrega, who came out to her grandparents as bisexual during her senior year of high school, notes that while they'd always been her rock, being open with them about her identity was still difficult.

"Both of my grandparents have always taught me to love and accept all people, but coming out to them still wasn't easy," she says. "I was afraid that they would judge me or treat me differently."

Coming out is a complex and personal process and — as many people in the LGBTQIA community will tell you — there's a lot of fear that comes along with telling even the most loving people in your life.

For Nobrega, nothing changed: "They gave me a big hug and said, 'That's OK, we love you.'"

Nobrega's been "blown away" by all the love she received, but it's not surprising that her grandmother's actions have resonated far and wide.

As someone who came out of the closet to parents who were virulently homophobic at the time — though my mom and dad's views have since changed drastically — I can tell you firsthand how lonely, isolating, and scary it can feel.

The feeling of not having to hide who you truly are anymore is indescribable. But having to face the reality that you may lose the love and support of your family isn't just painful, it can be dangerous: According to recent research, LGBTQIA youth are at a higher risk of experiencing homelessness than other youth.

So seeing Nobrega's picture wasn't just heartwarming — it was also a clear sign that acceptance and progress are on the move.

For allies, it's a clear message that you don't have to make grand gestures to show up for your LGBTQIA friends and family. Just like Hermina did.

"My grandma is small but has a huge, compassionate heart," Nobrega says. "She loves learning about the LGBT+ community and never judges others for who they are or who they love. Even the smallest gestures of support speak volumes to someone who is a part of the LGBT+ community."

What does that look like? For Nobrega, support includes showing love and compassion to those in the community, listening to their experiences without judgment, educating oneself on the different identities that fall under the LGBTQIA+ umbrella, and putting a special focus on those identities — such as bisexuality, asexuality, and aromanticism — which often go underrepresented or are erased, and supporting local LGBTQIA centers and shelters.

It all makes a difference.

Lexie Nobrega looked amazing at Capital Pride. Just look at that flag.

Her grandma? She couldn't have been any prouder.

Family

If you spot a 'sensory room' at a sports stadium, you likely have this couple to thank.

Images from Pixabay.

Autistic children at high-energy events benefit from a place to get quiet.

When Julian Maha and Michele Kong's first child was diagnosed with autism, their world turned upside down.

Maha and Kong's son Abram was an easy, delightful, precocious baby at first. Around age 2, his behavior suddenly changed. He stopped talking. He stopped sleeping. He cried inconsolably half the night.

Though they are both physicians themselves, his parents were at a loss. They consulted several doctors, finally landing an appointment with one of the top speech delay specialists in the country.

After a short examination, the doctor abruptly delivered the daunting news: Abram has autism. He would probably never speak, never say, "I love you." And the doctor's opinion was that there was a good chance Maha and Kong would end up institutionalizing him because he was only going to get worse.

Maha and Kong were stunned.

"It was as if someone had dropped a bomb in our lives, and we were just standing there holding the pieces," Maha said in a TED Talk (video link below.) Abram's diagnosis changed everything — including what would become the couple's life calling.

Maha and Kong quickly learned that families affected by autism often feel isolated and excluded from society.

The couple found themselves thrust into a whole new world, and soon discovered that many parents of kids with autism find themselves with little social support.

Some people with an autism spectrum disorder are nonverbal completely or just at times, which can make communication difficult. The vocalizations that sometimes come with autism can be unnerving to people without autism who are unfamiliar with them. Too many noises, lights, people, or other stimuli can push people with autism into sensory overload, which can lead to meltdowns.

And then there are the assumptions. Because they communicate differently, people with autism are often perceived to be unintelligent or unfeeling.

However, Maha and Kong realized that many of society's perceptions of autism are simply wrong. People with autism are often highly intelligent and experience a full range of emotions. Many absolutely can and do feel and understand — it's just that sometimes, they just can't show it in ways that most of us without autism understand.

Maha and Kong believe that many of these prejudices can be dissolved through awareness, acceptance, and inclusion. So they set out on a major mission.

They founded KultureCity, an all-volunteer nonprofit that advocates for acceptance and inclusion of people with autism — and helps make it happen.

Based out of Birmingham, Alabama, where Maha and Kong live, KultureCity seeks to transform our society to be accepting and inclusive of neurodiversity.

"Everyone's aware of autism now," says Maha. "I think it's the next step of acceptance and inclusion that's really going to start making changes for so many kids."

Noise-cancelling headphones can help a child with autism in sensory overload.

Photo by Alireza Attari on Unsplash

KultureCity works toward that goal by training people in guest service positions on how to interact with guests with sensory processing differences. They also help make spaces more inclusive through minor adjustments and accommodations. The training is the most important thing, though, Maha says. When non-autistic people know what to expect and have tools for interacting with someone who may hit sensory overload, everyone's experience is more positive.

KultureCity has helped create sensory-inclusive spaces at more than half of NBA stadiums, in addition to other venues.

The organization works with zoos, aquariums, professional sports venues, and other public spaces around the country to help them be more sensory-inclusive.

Maha points out that there's a difference between a sensory-friendly space or event and a sensory-inclusive one. A sensory-friendly space provides lower noise levels and crowds, but such accommodations might hinder the experiences of others. A sensory-inclusive space provides accommodations that have little to no impact on anyone else, but make a big difference for people prone to sensory overload.

Such an accommodation might be a room where people can escape the crowds and noise in a sports stadium, for example. Or it could be a grab bag filled with things like noise-cancelling headphones, stimming tools, and weighted lap pads (which can help people feel grounded).

Calm lighting, minimal decor, and various grounding activities give people a respite from sensory overload.

Photo by Ralph (Ravi) Kayden on Unsplash

It can be a challenging diagnosis, but Maha wants people to know that people with autism are no different from your children or loved ones who don't have it.

"They view the world differently and they take in the world differently from us, but their wants and needs are still similar," Maha notes. "They still seek acceptance and inclusion, they want to be part of the community, and it's our mission to help embrace them regardless of their differences."

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A poem about pronouns is bringing people to happy tears.

Three years ago, Theo Nicole Lorenz began going by the gender-neutral pronoun "they." Some people didn't get it.

Lorenz is nonbinary, meaning that they don't identify as a man or a woman. About three years ago, they ditched the more standard gendered pronouns ("he/him/his" or "she/her/hers") in favor of "they/them/theirs."

The whole concept of being nonbinary is something that people sometimes have a tough time wrapping their heads around, but sometimes life just doesn't fit into neat little boxes.

"I knew there would be pushback," Lorenz says about efforts to get people on board with their pronouns. "When you start using they/them pronouns, suddenly everyone around you is an English major, you know?"

Photo courtesy of Theo Nicole Lorenz.

It's taken a few years, but Lorenz has found a great ally in their 73-year-old Aunt Suzy.

"When I first came out to her, she understood my gender identity but not my pronouns," Lorenz says. "She said, 'We always knew you were different, and we love you just the way you are.' But also, on my pronouns — 'I don't know if I can get used to that. I'll try.' It's taken her a few years."

On May 21, Lorenz shared a poem written by Suzy for her church writing group. It was heartwarming and really gets to the core of the whole pronoun issue.

"This person I know
Wants to be called a they.
It [could] bring us much closer
To see them that way.

It's a strange thing to think
And harder to say,
But they is so happy
When the effort is made.

For all the theys and thems
It is this that I pray,
We be kind and accepting
And just let them be they."












What makes the poem even more touching is that Lorenz and their aunt have always had a special relationship.

Lorenz credits Aunt Suzy with inspiring their interest in art, which led to a career as a professional illustrator. "Whenever she and my late uncle were doing well, they'd send me money for art supplies. Her home was my creative retreat growing up," they say.

"We're both quiet artist types who'd rather stay home in a cocoon of cats and B movies than party," they add. "Every time we get together, it's like no time has passed at all, and we talk for hours. Throughout her life she's been a belly dancer, inventor, painter, woodcarver, and scuba diver, and I've always looked up to her."

[rebelmouse-image 19534036 dam="1" original_size="750x400" caption="A sample of some of Lorenz's artwork. Images via theonicole.com." expand=1]A sample of some of Lorenz's artwork. Images via theonicole.com.

A common complaint people have about referring to an individual person as "they" is that it's usually used as a plural pronoun.

But in truth, the singular "they" dates back hundreds of years, and most people use it regularly without even realizing it. For instance, if someone cuts you off in traffic, you're likely to say "They cut me off!" even though it's clearly just one person driving the car.

We often use singular "they" whenever we're referring to someone whose gender isn't readily known, especially in casual conversation; so using it for someone who specifically uses it shouldn't be too tough.

For Lorenz, using a person's prounouns is really just a way to demonstrate common courtesy and show that you view them as a legitimate individual in the world.

"Using someone's correct pronouns is a small, vital way to tell them, 'You belong here,'" they say. "When you refuse to use someone's pronouns, you're denying their identity. In the case of 'they/them' pronouns, a lot of people use grammar as an excuse to refuse it, which is like saying, 'I value the grammar I learned in ninth grade more than your comfort.'"

We can all choose to be kind. As Aunt Suzy says, "just let them be they."

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