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Kathi Valeii

I'm a journalist, and my writing focuses on education, politics, parenting, and feminism.

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Many parents feel hesitant to bring up the topic of abortion with their kids.

But considering that abortion isn't covered in school sex-ed classes, avoiding it leaves kids to the task of learning on their own from the internet, TV, or billboards — all littered with anti-choice propaganda and misinformation.

Talking to kids about abortion can be hard. Most of us have our own personal feelings about abortion, and many of us have our own experiences with the procedure.

But untangling abortion facts from abortion politics is important in order to help de-stigmatize a necessary medical procedure. And shattering stigma can have a profound effect on our children's future health and their ability to access certain forms of medical care.

Some parents shared how they discuss abortion with their kids. Here is what they had to say:

1. Talk about abortion as one possible outcome of pregnancy.

Sarah Tarver-Wahlquist is a member of the Tucson Abortion Support Collective in Tucson, Arizona. Sarah's oldest child was 8 when she started discussing abortion with him. When he responded, aghast, and asked if abortion was “killing babies,” she regretting having waited so long to start the conversation.

“We now talk about abortion as one possible outcome of a pregnancy,” says Sarah, “And we talk about some of the statistics — that one in three women will have an abortion in her reproductive life, and that the majority of people who have abortions are already parents — to emphasize that abortion is a normal part of life and a decision that many people will choose to make.”

Sarah explains the different ways that people can feel about their pregnancies, and she tells her kids that it's okay if it feels weird for them to think about abortion.

She tells them, "I know you remember when I was pregnant and how happy we were, and how we talked about our fetus as our baby. That was our experience, but it isn't everyone's experience, and it's our job to support people to make their own decisions about what is best for their lives."

2. Talk about the reasons people might terminate their pregnancies.

Rachel C. from Denver says, “Basically, I explained it as a woman could be pregnant and for whatever reason need not to be. Maybe she's sick. Maybe she isn't ready to be a mother. Maybe the fetus is very sick. So she can have an abortion.”

Nekole S. from Seattle reminds her girls (8 and 12 years old) that it takes a lot to raise a baby. “They also know my dad didn’t really stick around and they know some of the implications of that.”

Nekole says that personalizing it can help kids understand and relate to reasons a person might have an abortion.

Rachel adds that she reminds her kids that it's important to let pregnant people choose what they need to do to keep mentally, physically, and emotionally healthy — and that not everyone wants to do that, which is why it's so important.

“We talked about how some people don't want [abortion] to be an option,” says Rachel.

3. Talk about why the choice is important.

“My discussions with my kids haven't been because I needed an abortion myself, but because in this age they have been exposed to the idea pretty young,” says Grace A.

When Grace began to consider talking about abortion with her kids, she remembered a story from her childhood, Watership Down, that helped her understand the concept of abortion when she was a child.

“In the book, the rabbits explain re-absorption of litters into the doe's body as a gift from "Lord Frith," fulfillment of a promise made to Elahrairah the rabbit prince that no rabbit would ever be born into conditions that were not good for it (lack of food for the warren, overcrowding, sick mother, hunters close by).”

Grace used that story to explain to her kids how pregnant anythings could choose not to bring little ones into a bad situation and that we should trust that the pregnant person knows best.

4. Nerd out on the science of it.

Nekole loves to talk about the science of reproduction whenever she talks to her girls about pregnancy and birth control. She talks about the cells and how they multiply and divide, the sperm and where it comes from, and the egg and where it comes from.

When she talks about fetal development, that's when she brings up abortion. Nekole had an abortion at five weeks, and she's openly discussed it with her girls, explaining exactly what was taken out of her uterus at that stage of her pregnancy.

“I think what’s helpful is I know how I think/feel about it, so the narrative is always the same whenever we visit it,” Nekole says.

Since her abortion was the result of an unplanned pregnancy, she also uses that story to illustrate the importance of always using protection.

“My story is that I got pregnant having unprotected sex when I was still bleeding, so it's a nice segway into condoms no matter what,” she says.

5. Talk about what happens during an abortion.

When Samantha D.'s daughter was six, Samantha's friend stayed with them at their Pittsburgh home when her friend was having an abortion.

Her daughter asked lots of questions, like why their friend wasn't feeling well. Samantha's friend said that it was okay to discuss what was happening and so she was able to tell her daughter about what happens during an abortion while she observed someone experiencing one.

Sam let her daughter lead with questions, and she answered accordingly. “She asked if there was a baby in her right now, and I told her that the sperm and egg had combined, but it was not growing into a baby anymore because my friend had taken medicine to stop that process,” says Sam.

Sam's daughter seemed to understand, and Sam says she was very considerate of her friend’s comfort. “She even acted as a mini doula by serving things to her, asking her about how she was doing, keeping quiet and generally calm in her presence, and relaxing with her to keep her company as she rested.”

Ultimately, Sarah Tarver-Wahlquist says, talking to kids early and often about abortion is much bigger than a conversation about a medical procedure.

She says it's part of a bigger narrative of talking to them about the importance of autonomy, consent, and choice. And the earlier it's discussed, the healthier kids' attitudes and understanding of abortion will be.

This story originally appeared on Ravishly and is reprinted with permission. More from Ravishly:

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When more than 2,000 children were taken from their families at the border, Julie Schwietert Collazo found it increasingly difficult to sleep.

And as the spouse of a refugee, immigration issues were already intensely personal for her family.

One night, Schwietert Collazo was listening to the radio and heard an interview with the lawyer of a detained Guatemalan mother. Yeni Gonzalez had been separated from her three children at the border while seeking asylum.

Yeni Gonzalez speaks at a press conference. Photo by Don Emmert/AFP/Getty Images.

"Something he said connected the dots for me about how some parents can be reunified with kids," says Schwietert Collazo. "He explained that Yeni was in a detention facility in Arizona and her kids were known to be in a center in NYC, and that, technically speaking, they could be reunified. She just needed to get to NYC."

Schwietert Collazo wondered what might happen if she tried to make reunification possible for this one family.

She, her husband, and some friends brainstormed and decided they wanted to try to raise bond for Gonzalez, get her to New York City, and support her until her case was heard.

Coordinating with Gonzalez's lawyer, the group immediately launched a GoFundMe, setting an arbitrary goal since they didn't yet know what Gonzalez's bond amount would be. The next morning, they learned it would be $7,500. They had already raised well beyond that overnight.

But money wasn't the only obstacle to helping bring Gonzalez and her children back together. Somehow, the group had to get her from Arizona to New York.

It wasn't as simple as planning a cross-country move. Gonzalez doesn't have a photo ID, so that eliminated the simplest and most obvious option of buying her a plane ticket. The next option — ground travel by Greyhound or Amtrak — could have put her in danger as a lone traveler. So the community got creative.

Schwietert Collazo and the group set up a rideshare relay, moving Gonzalez across the country in vehicles driven by volunteers and stopping in volunteer host homes along the way.

On July 2, Gonzalez arrived in NYC to see streets lined with supporters cheering for her. Accompanied by two elected officials and her lawyer the next day, Gonzalez visited with her children for the first time since their separation.

Gonzalez embraces Janey Pearl, one of the volunteers who helped drive her cross-country to NYC. Photo by Don Emmert/AFP/Getty Images.

A nationwide injunction in June 2018 ordered all separated families to be reunited within a month. The logistics of that order, however, are proving to be nothing but pure chaos.

The injunction ordered all children under 5 to be reunified with their parents within 14 days and all older children to be reunited within 30 days. Even with the private funds and community help she received, Gonzalez's case will likely take longer than that.

For other families, the challenges of reunification are even more overwhelming.

For starters, kids — some of them preverbal — have been moved all over the country with little to no documentation that would be able to link them back to their parents. Additionally, immigration advocates and lawyers report that many parents are simply giving up their asylum claims out of desperation for reuniting with their children.

Some organizations, like the Michigan Immigrant Rights Center (MIRC) are stepping in to help clean up the mess surrounding separated families.

Previously, MIRC handled cases of "unaccompanied minors," defined as adolescents and teenagers who crossed the border alone. Now that very young children separated from their parents are included in that category, MIRC's work has grown more complicated.

Additionally, MIRC managing attorney Susan Reed says that most of the cases she sees unfortunately don't pertain to parents who are eligible for bond, like Gonzalez.

"It's relatively uncommon that people are getting bonds and being allowed to move forward with asylum claims," says Reed. That's because when Attorney General Jeff Sessions eliminated domestic violence and gang violence as grounds for asylum last month, he made it increasingly difficult for anyone to be granted asylum.

In addition, Reed says, prosecutors at the border are aggressive about trying to get people's paths to asylum cut off as quickly as possible.

"So far our clients who've been reunited have been reunited with parents who either have already been deported or are being deported," says Reed. "And even that hasn't been going that well."

As cases like Gonzalez's become less common, it's more important that individuals like Schwietert Collazo to step in and help with reunification where possible.

Getting Gonzalez closer to her children started with one person moving from compassion to action.

[rebelmouse-image 19478286 dam="1" original_size="1200x1083" caption="Gonzalez walks with members of the team that is helping her reunite with her kids, including Julie Schwietert Collazo, in back. Photo via Sen. Mike Gianaris/Twitter." expand=1]Gonzalez walks with members of the team that is helping her reunite with her kids, including Julie Schwietert Collazo, in back. Photo via Sen. Mike Gianaris/Twitter.

The most important thing, says Schwietert Collazo, is to trust the grassroots process.

"Each person who has shown up has been totally empowered to 'own' their part of the process and to be responsible for it," she says. "We haven't needed to lean on or involve any government representatives, and my experience is that when you trust your team, you can get things done more quickly." Her team's plan went from idea to full fruition in less than a week.

Schwietert Collazo hopes that her team's action plan can act as a model that others can use to support more detained parents reunite with their children.

In fact, on July 4, the group launched two more GoFundMe campaigns for two more moms, each one already approaching their $25,000 goal. Her efforts make it possible for others to contribute to the reunification effort by supporting her team or by starting a reunification project of their own in hopes that, eventually, all families separated at the border can be brought together again.

How do you talk with kids about LGBTQ stuff?

If you're Lindsay Amer, you sit down at a table with your best friend, Teddy, a stuffed bear, and have a conversation about queer topics.

Image via Queer Kid Stuff/YouTube, used with permission of Lindsey Amer.

Queer Kid Stuff is an educational project that teaches young kids about LGBTQ issues.

When Amer, 26, who uses they/them pronouns, toured a play during college to elementary schools, they learned how limited kids' access to LGBTQ topics can be. The play, "The Transition of Doodle Pequeño," is about a boy who likes to wear skirts, and the tour had to cancel at least one show because the community considered the topic controversial.

"That's kind of when I started to see that there was a real barrier for kids to this kind of work," explains Amer, who says they experienced that barrier growing up, too. As an androgynous kid who was mis-gendered constantly, Amer says, "I make Queer Kid Stuff for a young me as much as I make it for kids today."

Queer Kid Stuff episodes are about five minutes long and taught at about a preschool level.

Targeting a young audience felt important to Amer because kids start to learn and ingrain ideas about gender and binaries at a pretty young age.

"It's just about getting those ideas instilled early enough that you don't have to undo any negativity," says Amer. Some of the most popular episodes include topics such as "T is for Trans," "Why Is Pride in June?" and "Learn About Consent."

Image via Queer Kid Stuff/YouTube, used with permission of Lindsey Amer.

While young kids may not grasp all the concepts and terminology, Amer says those aren't the focus — the show is about acceptance.

"All they need to know is that they're OK being themselves, and everyone else is OK, and it's OK to be different," they say.

It can be really difficult to restructure ways of thinking about gender, and a simplistic, broken down explanation about LGBTQ topics can be really helpful for all ages.

"If you can really get to the core of what gender is and kind of reframe it for people, it's a lot easier for people to turn around and say 'Hmm, maybe what I've been thinking is not correct. Maybe what I was taught is not correct. Maybe I need to reframe this for myself,'" Amer says.

Image via Queer Kid Stuff/YouTube, used with permission of Lindsey Amer.

That message is for everyone, not just queer kids. Learning about queer and trans issues so often is reactive, like after a classmate or neighbor or family member presents or identifies in a way that is confusing to a child. In those instances, kids and adults can sometimes say hurtful things or ask intrusive questions, which places an unfair burden on queer kids and their families to be constantly self-advocating and educating other people.

When people look to the Queer Kid Stuff videos wanting to understand a friend's or classmate's or family member's identity, the burden of education shifts from the queer person and their family to the curious person.

Queer Kid Stuff videos help all viewers — queer identifying or not — to share the responsibility of becoming educated, empowered, and tolerant of all types of people.

Queer Kid Stuff provides representation and positivity for LGBTQ kids.

But, Amer adds, "Their friends need to be on board, too. Their environment needs to be on board — they need to be in a safe space, it can't just be in front of that screen."

There's more progress to be made on and off screens, but Amer's work is opening minds in much needed ways.

In honor of Pride Month, watch the Queer Kid Stuff video below and learn why we celebrate LGBTQ issues in June:

In Karin Klein's Southern California community, it's not unusual for families to drop close to $1,000 on a prom dress.

Klein's family has never been one to splurge in that way. As a parent, Klein was always uncomfortable with spending money on something that might only be used once. And her kids' awareness of fashion-related environmental and human rights concerns kept the family on an tight budget.

"There were always a lot of talks [with the kids] about where we place our values," Klein says.

Spending that much for prom might sound over the top, but it's not unheard of. American families are spending on average more than $600 on prom-related expenses according to a 2017 Yahoo Prom Across America survey. For many families struggling to pay rent and put food on the table, $600 isn't just a splurge, it's out of reach.

But prom night doesn't have to cost as much as a used car, and parents like Klein have found realistic ways to keep it affordable.

[rebelmouse-image 19534402 dam="1" original_size="500x281" caption="GIF from "Mean Girls."" expand=1]GIF from "Mean Girls."

Here is how the Klein family spent a fraction of the average prom-related costs in three big spending areas:

1. Attire and accessories

With two kids who wore dresses and one who wore a tux, the Kleins experimented with a variety of options for prom wear.

They purchased new: For her oldest daughter's first prom, Klein bought a slip dress, which she paid to have altered because it was too long. Klein then hand-made a shawl and bought her daughter shoes from a discount store.

Total cost: $160

They reused, borrowed from friends, and wore hand me downs: The next year, her daughter borrowed a dress from a friend and re-wore the shoes she had bought the prior year.

And having used her older sister's first prom dress as a play outfit as a child, Klein's younger daughter decided she wanted to wear that dress to her first prom. They paid to have it cleaned and pressed.

Total cost: Cleaning fees

The dress the Kleins bought new (left) and their eBay steal (right). Photos by Karin Klein, used with permission.

They bought on clearance and from auction websites: For cute shoes and accessories at a great price, the family headed to Payless.

Klein and her girls shopped around, but they didn't really like anything, and the dresses were very expensive. They turned to eBay and found a vintage slip gown for $7.

"I figured for that price it was worth gambling; it came cleaned and pressed, to my surprise, and fit her perfectly," Klein recalls. Her daughter still really loved her shoes from the previous year, so she wore those again.

Klein's youngest daughter liked that prom dress so much that she says that if she ever wants to marry, that ivory dress might do the trick.

Total cost for prom and potential wedding dress: $7

[rebelmouse-image 19534403 dam="1" original_size="448x249" caption="GIF from "Footloose."" expand=1]GIF from "Footloose."

When it came time for her son to attend prom, Klein decided to purchase a tux, dress shirt, tie, and vest on clearance instead of rent them because she figured it was a better investment. He ended up wearing that getup to four proms, and Klein has since loaned it to other kids in need of a tux for prom.

Total cost: $132 plus the joy of an investment paying off for other families.

Lastly, they committed to eliminating corsages and flowers to cut down on both on costs and waste.

In addition to ideas like borrowing, swapping, and thrifting, a number of organizations in communities across the country give away donated prom dresses to those who cannot afford them. Check out the Princess Project or Google "Cinderella project" and your location to find one of these locations in your area.

2. Hair and makeup

Klein's oldest wore her hair down and wore minimal makeup that she did herself for each of her proms.

Cost: $0

[rebelmouse-image 19534404 dam="1" original_size="480x257" caption="GIF from "Romy and Michele's High School Reunion."" expand=1]GIF from "Romy and Michele's High School Reunion."

Klein says her younger daughter did her own make-up and hair but that the hair did not work out so great.

Klein, a writer, happened to be up on a reporting fellowship in an extremely remote area of arctic Alaska around prom time. She gave her husband and daughter instructions for a simple updo, and they managed to get her out the door looking good, but it fell out shortly after. Klein says she was pretty unhappy about it.

"She's not one to make a fuss about things, but it was definitely a disappointment to her," she says. "She hadn't asked to have her hair done professionally, but it was one of those times when a mom wishes she'd been home for her daughter."

After the hair fiasco of the previous year, her daughter asked if she could have her hair put up professionally the following year. Klein obliged.

Total cost: $0 and $65

3. Transportation, food, and post-prom

Klein's daughters sometimes had rides from significant others who could drive or they shared the cost of a party bus with friends. They swung through In-N-Out Burger for dinner.

In Klein's community, a lot of parents rent hotel rooms for their teens for the night, but her family was not comfortable with that for a lot of reasons, so they skipped out.

Total cost: $0-$50

Outside of the actual prom ticket, the Kleins had years where they spent nothing on prom. ‌‌

[rebelmouse-image 19534405 dam="1" original_size="500x281" caption="GIF from "100 Years of Prom in 2 Minutes"/Teen Vogue." expand=1]GIF from "100 Years of Prom in 2 Minutes"/Teen Vogue.

Their most expensive year cost around $280, which is significantly below the American average for the night. The cost of the prom ticket at their school was $70.

In fact, most schools and communities are doing their part to help make sure the night is accessible to everyone.

School administrators are directing families to resources like community dress give-aways and often assist lower-income families with obtaining prom tickets, too. (This school partnered with a non-profit; kids wrote essays in exchange for everything they need for prom.)

The fact is, prom can be affordable. One fun night doesn't have to (and shouldn't) break the bank. As the Kleins have discovered, a creative spirit, knowing where to look for deals, and a commitment to the fun of it all makes all the difference.

Pro-gun doesn't mean pro-NRA.

Nathan Dannison received his first firearm — a Browning bolt action .22 rifle — as a Christmas gift when he was 11 years old.

Now 34, he's owned guns consistently since and enjoys hunting and clay shooting. But he says the line gun owners are expected to toe when it comes to the national gun control debate is troubling.

"We've let the Hollywood cowboy wannabes take over the debate," he says. "We've let the NRA devolve from a conservation and education organization into something unrecognizable."

Dannison is part of a growing number of gun owners breaking from the stereotypical NRA-driven script and advocating for new, stricter, common-sense gun legislation.

Alexander Voorman, 34, believes that gun owners bear the greatest responsibility in this debate.

"I may personally like guns," he says, "but I also believe that everyone has the right to live safely and freely without one, and that those people are in no way culpable for the epidemic of gun violence in this country."

Photo courtesy of Alexander Voorman.

Voorman was raised in a strictly no-gun household, but says he was fascinated early on by guns and currently visits the shooting range as a hobby.

South Carolinian Bill Ware, 59, owns a slew of firearms as a hobby as well: .20- and .12-gauge shotguns, rifles, several pistols, and an assortment of reproduction black powder guns.

Like Voorman, he's questioned the validity of ownership and his role in the debate while people are dying in mass shooting after mass shooting, especially those involving assault-style weapons. "I was having a crisis of conscience of sorts," Ware notes.

He, Voorman, and Dannison believe that gun owners must overcome the radical voices that have long dominated this conversation.

"The continued silence of much of the gun-owning populace in the face of shooting after shooting casts us in a horrifyingly bad light," Voorman says. "It makes us look callous and uncaring at best; complicit at worst."

It's not easy to advocate for limiting freedoms from within the gun community. Many believe any change would be a slippery slope to sweeping bans on all firearms or even the creation of a database of gun owners.

From Voorman's perspective, though, gun owners' resistance to regulation seems steeped in paranoia. He says they fear that overregulation due to the "ill-defined, just-in-case" scenario in which they might need a gun.

In this way, gun ownership becomes a comfort.

Katie Kirchner, 39, has been a gun owner since 2001, after someone knocked on the window of her rural home in the middle of the night. Though her gun provides her a sense of some security, she doesn't believe that makes gun reform a threat.

"The gun is not a need — it is a want," she says. "And at this point I am not even sure I want it any longer so as not to be lumped into the intolerant, gun-owning, chest-pumping, NRA-loving group."

Photo courtesy of Katie Kirchner.

With a third grader who tells her about the lockdown drills they do at school, Kirchner is even more troubled, saying, "I hate that she has to consider this even happening to her and her classmates."

Public safety, especially in schools, is perhaps the greatest motivator for this group pushing for tighter regulation.

There is a growing consensus that the NRA is a toxic, destabilizing force in U.S. politics.

Dannison points to profit's role in the gun reform debate:

"It's critical that people understand that a gun is a product with an indefinite shelf-life. This makes it very, very hard to run a profitable, growth-based industry around manufacturing guns. Imagine if cars never wore out. The car makers would go bust in a few years. This is what is motivating the gun lobby."

When it comes to weapons like AR-15s, the gun of choice in many of our mass shootings, Dannsion says they're kind of like a Lego set because of all of the little pieces, parts, and modifications a person can purchase. "It's a really deadly toy," he says wrly, "but you know how children get when you try to take away their toys."

These gun owners are ready to have real conversations about gun control.

They have progressive ideas about how to make changes that reduce gun violence and shootings and keep everyone — gun owners or not — safe. "The solution, or mere inspiration for actual progress, lies in finding the profit in regulation," Ware explains.

Photo courtesy of Bill Ware.

He believes that registering and insuring guns might be the key to motivating insurance companies to participate in the dialogue, much like the ways we regulate cars.

Kirchner says she would be glad to participate if reforms were to include screening current gun owners.

"I would be the first in line to see if I am capable of owning a gun," she says. "I have nothing to hide and sometimes wonder what the non-gun reform people do have to hide.”

No matter the outcome, Dannison, Kirchner, Voorman, and Ware agree that gun owners need to get involved in regulation advocacy right now.

"We are increasingly painting ourselves as a very dangerous and angry minority in America," Voorman says, "and it is my belief that if we want to continue to enjoy our freedom to bear arms, we must either give a little now — or give a lot later."