The psychological trick behind why personality tests like Myers-Briggs always ‘work’

You finally have good news. A promotion at work. The text you’ve been waiting all week for. You watch your kid take those first wobbly steps across the living room.

You excitedly tell a friend, your heart still racing a little, and they glance at their phone, mumble, “That’s great,” and slump back into their chair. Technically, they said the right thing. But their body told a different story.

Nonverbal cues are like the backstage crew of every conversation. Just because you don’t always notice them doesn’t mean they’re not there, controlling the lights, the mood, and the entire show. Psychologist Albert Mehrabian suggested that when we express feelings, only a small portion of the message comes from words, while much of the rest comes from tone and body language.

In other words, you can say “I’m listening” with your mouth, but your posture, eye contact, and tone of voice might be saying “I’m not.”

But there’s hope! These are skills, not personality flaws, and once you see the patterns—a handful of automatic, low-awareness habits that can unintentionally make others feel judged, dismissed, or unimportant—you can start to shift them.

Here are nine common “silent habits” that can create distance, plus gentle ways to adjust your behavior:

1. Avoiding eye contact

You’re halfway through a story about how your previous apartment was infiltrated by bees, and you can feel it: the other person’s gaze keeps sliding past your shoulder, down to the table, anywhere but your face. You finish the story, but something deep within you recoils.

In many cultures, steady, comfortable eye contact is one of the simplest tools we have to convey, “I’m here with you. You matter.” Without it, words can feel hollow. When the opposite happens—when we rarely look someone in the eye during a conversation—they may feel invisible or boring, even if it’s just meant to give them some space or to “not stare.”

Eye contact can be hard or even painful for some people, including folks who are shy, anxious, or neurodivergent. Others may have been raised in a culture that did not demand steady eye contact. That is why it helps to treat it as a flexible tool rather than a moral test.

How to shift: Try the “50/70” guideline, and hold eye contact about half the time while you speak and a little more while you listen. Let your gaze rest on their eyes or the bridge of their nose, then drift away naturally. If direct eye contact feels intense, look near their eyes instead; you’ll still create a sense of connection.

2. Crossing your arms

This one is tricky. Sometimes, you cross your arms because it’s cold outside and you forgot to bring a jacket. Other times, you truly don’t know what to do with your hands.

A tightly crossed posture often reads as “closed off,” “annoyed,” or “not open to what you are saying,” even when you feel fully engaged. Body language researchers describe it as creating a physical barrier. The perception is the problem, not necessarily the posture itself. As nonverbal behavior expert Alison Henderson has noted, “The perception is the important part. They may think a gesture is harmless because they don’t mean anything by it, but it’s how it’s perceived that becomes the issue.”

Over time, friends may stop sharing things with you. It’s difficult to be vulnerable with someone whose body keeps bracing for impact.

How to shift: Experiment with opening your stance. Rest your arms at your sides, in your lap, or around a cup, notebook, or bag. When you show your hands—especially with palms relaxed or open—you tend to look warmer and more approachable.

3. Phubbing (or phone snubbing)

Even a quick glance at your phone’s notification screen can feel like a tiny rejection, especially during emotionally charged moments. Research suggests that “phubbing” (a blend of “phone” and “snubbing”) can chip away at relationships over time, as it signals to the other person, “I’m checking to see if something more interesting has popped up.”

The worst part is that most people check their phones without trying to be rude—often, they don’t even care what’s on it. Our phones are simply irresistible, and our daily habits have hard-wired constant checking.

How to shift: When you’re with someone, try putting your phone fully away. Not face-down on the table or across the room, but away, either in another room or in your backpack. When you’re impervious to its seductive hum calling for your attention, you can be truly present with what matters: the other person in the room. However, if you truly expect an urgent call or text, name it upfront: “Just a heads up, I’m waiting for a call from so-and-so. I might check my phone once or twice, but I’m listening; I really want to hear this.” This tiny disclaimer can do wonders.

4. Slouching or “checked out”

No one’s perfect; we all have days when we want to melt into our couch and become one with its cushions. But when your shoulders cave in, your gaze drifts, and your whole body tilts away from the person speaking, your posture can come across as disinterest or apathy, no matter how engaged you are in the conversation. As body language consultant Dr. Lillian Glass puts it, poor posture conveys that you’re “not positive, not energetic, not caring.” Even if you’re fully mentally present, a rounded-in posture can make you appear inattentive or guarded.

Posture is a complex subject: it shapes not only how people see you, but also how you feel. A more upright, supported posture can boost alertness and mood, making it easier to stay present.

How to shift: Practice at home. Sit with your lower back supported and your feet on the floor if you can. Let your shoulders relax instead of locking them in place. Maybe lean forward a bit. Doing this when someone talks (just a few degrees, not “invading your space” territory) can come across as an act of solidarity.

5. Eye rolling and other “I’m above this” expressions

Few gestures cut as sharply as an eye roll. A sigh, a smirk, or a raised eyebrow at an inopportune moment can sting as much as harsh words.

Relationship researcher Dr. John Gottman points to contempt—often expressed through eye‑rolling, mocking faces, or sneering tones—as one of the most corrosive behaviors in close relationships. To the person on the receiving end, it does not just say, “I disagree.” It says, “You are beneath me.”

But it’s not so simple, is it? The movement can reflect many things: frustration, fatigue, overwhelm, or thinking. Someone might roll their eyes because they’re searching for the right words (and looking up is just part of how they process information), or because they are reacting playfully or dramatically, but it lands in a way they didn’t intend. However, it’s important to be mindful of when, how, and where you roll your eyes—eye rolling is easy to misread.

How to shift: When you feel that “Ugh, I can’t believe this” frustration rise, hit pause. Take a breath and soften your expression on purpose, even for a second. If you disagree or feel hurt, try putting it into words instead of rolling your eyes. “I’m having a strong emotional response, and I’m not sure why. Can you tell me more about where you’re coming from?” A simple phrase like this leaves little room for interpretation. Respectful curiosity keeps the door open.

6. Standing too close and invading personal space

Everyone carries an invisible bubble around their body, a personal “comfort zone” that shifts with culture, relationship, and context. When you stand too close, especially with acquaintances or coworkers, you can trigger a sense of intrusion or even threat. 

Anthropologist Edward T. Hall’s classic research on proxemics identifies a hierarchy of space around every person: an intimate zone (roughly 0–1.5 feet) reserved for close loved ones; a personal zone (1.5–4 feet) for good friends; and a social zone (4–12 feet) for colleagues and acquaintances.

You do not need to create charts outlining everyone’s “personal space parameters” (nor should you). The key lies in what you can see: in real life, people lean back, step away, or angle their bodies when they want more room.

How to shift: With new people or in professional settings, be cautious and err on the side of a little extra space (often around 4–6 feet). Watch their cues. If they step closer, so can you. If they step back or turn away, respect that and recognize it as a boundary.

7. Constant fidgeting

Bouncing a leg, tapping the table, clicking a pen, or twisting your hair can all help your body release nervous energy. These aren’t “bad” habits per se, but during a conversation—especially in small spaces or during meetings—they can distract or even irritate those around you.

In extreme cases, constant fidgeting can trigger a biological response. Some people live with misokinesia, a strong negative reaction to repetitive movements in their field of vision, and a jiggling foot can be overwhelming, preventing them from hearing your actual message.

How to shift: Start by noticing your patterns. Do you fidget more when you feel anxious, bored, or overstimulated? The next time you feel those emotions, check if you’re fidgeting. When you catch yourself, do a quick realignment, and gently plant your feet on the floor. Rest your hands on a steady surface. Move your energy into slower, deliberate actions, like taking a deep breath, sipping water, or uncurling your shoulders. You don’t have to be perfectly still. Just find a calmer rhythm.

8. Being late and acting like it’s “no big deal”

Most of us understand that sometimes, life gets in the way. There was a crash on the highway, leading to an extra 15 minutes of traffic. The kids refused to put their shoes on and leave the house. Your boss monopolized your attention after work.

But more than the actual act of lateness, what hurts is the failure to acknowledge it. When someone walks in late and acts as if nothing happened, the people who waited and were patient can feel like their time isn’t important. Like they’re supporting characters in the late person’s life, just waiting in the wings until they arrive. If that pattern repeats, the warmth and trust that once permeated the relationship can run dry, as friends and coworkers start to pull back emotionally, even if they never say exactly why.

How to shift: As soon as you realize you’re running late, send a quick message. “Running 10 minutes behind—so sorry, I’ll be there soon.” When you arrive, offer a simple, sincere apology: “Sorry for being late! Thanks for waiting for me.” No one’s expecting an Oscar-winning speech or monologue. You don’t have to be long-winded or self-flagellating to convey how sorry you are. Owning the impact can restore more goodwill than you think.

9. Finger pointing, literally

During a conversation, you extend your index finger toward another person. You’re just being helpful, identifying the person you’re talking about, which often happens unconsciously in moments when emotions run high.

But there’s a reason this is one of the older taboos in social gesturing: finger-pointing has historically been associated with accusation, blame, and aggression. In Western cultures, finger-pointing at a person reads as lecturing, dominant, or confrontational. Even in calmer contexts, it can make the person on the receiving end feel singled out or diminished. In a casual disagreement with a friend, even a gentle finger jab toward them while speaking can make the exchange feel more combative than it needs to be.

How to shift: When you feel the itch to gesture for emphasis, use an open hand instead, with your palms facing upward. You can even gesture in the air between you and the other person, instead of directly at them. When you refer to something specific, try using your whole hand to point in that direction rather than a single extended finger.

Body language is a learnable skill

As we’ve mentioned, there are a million reasons why these habits join our autopilot, and they don’t always come from mean, judgmental places. No one wakes up and thinks, “Today I will cross my arms and glance at my phone to make my friend feel small.”

The nine habits described here share one important quality: nearly all of them are unintentional.

But the truth is, your body keeps talking, even when you stay quiet. When your body tells a different story than the one that lives in your heart, people feel that mismatch. And often, they go with the one they can see, not hear.

Here is the hopeful piece: you can learn to excel at nonverbal communication, just like any other skill. With gentle awareness, you can sit up a little straighter, maintain steady eye contact, and treat even the smallest gestures with care.

You don’t need to fix everything at once. Conversations shouldn’t feel like a system overload of monitoring every aspect of your body (actually listening to what’s being said is still important, so don’t forget that). Maybe you uncross your arms on purpose, or throw your phone in the other room. Over time, those small shifts add up. Others will feel a little more seen, a little more respected, a little more at ease in the space around you.