The Celebrity Perv Apology Generator is hilariously, depressingly accurate.

The results from this website could easily be real celebrity apologies.

Why are celebrity apologies so ... bad? Like ... head-scratchingly bad?

Harvey Weinstein prefaced his by saying that he "came of age in the '60s and '70s, when all the rules about behavior in workplaces were different." Louis C.K. noted that he "never showed a woman [his] dick without asking first." Kevin Spacey felt the need to say, "I choose now to live as a gay man."

For having access to some of the best public relations professionals in the world, it seems celebrities just can't seem to put together a statement of contrition that actually comes off as genuine.


Kevin Spacey and Harvey Weinstein have both recently released less-than-stellar apologies for truly reprehensible acts. Photos by Christopher Polk/Getty Images, Photo by Drew Angerer/Getty Images.

Author Dana Schwartz jokingly tweeted plans to start "a small business ghostwriting half-hearted apologies for celebrity pervs." Within 24 hours, it became a reality.

Teaming up with designers Rob Sheridan and Scott McCaughey, Schwartz launched the Celebrity Perv Apology Generator, where anyone can go and get their very own half-assed apology for free. It's satire at its best, reflecting non-apologies back on the celebrities who give them.

"Please consult for all your celebrity perv apology needs," Schwartz tweeted.

In cycling through a few results on the apology generator, some familiar phrases popped up.

"As someone who grew up in a different era, the allegations against me are troubling," reads one of the responses.

"As someone who grew up in a different era, the allegations against me are troubling. I comforted myself by saying that at least I asked before I 'honked' her boobs and demanded she watch me shower, and of course now I realize my behavior was wrong. In conclusion, I'm not saying the victim is a 'liar,' I'm just saying 'she's not telling the truth about the thing that happened because maybe it didn't even happen.'"

"As a father of daughters," begins another.

"As the father of daughters, I feel tremendously guilty now that the things I did have been made public. I imagined that any woman would have been thrilled to see a tiny penis peeking out from below my pasty, middle-aged paunch like the head of a geriatric albino turtle moments from death, and of course now I realize my behavior was wrong. In conclusion, I will wait 2-3 years before reappearing in film and TV and just sort of hope you all forget about this."

The common thread in each of these results is that the words "I'm sorry" are nowhere to be found, instead, replaced by a litany of excuses.

"As a male feminist, harassment is completely unacceptable — especially when people find out about it. At the time I believed that my sociopathic manipulation of the 22-year-old in my office was consensual, and of course now I realize my behavior was wrong. In conclusion, I will delete my Twitter account because I hate to see people who are mad at me."

"I found myself getting really exacerbated by the cycle of accusation, blowback, and apology," Schwartz explains in a Twitter direct message.

"The apologies just became these rote boxes to check, like a whole new genre of writing complete with its own cliches and recycled phrases," she says.

The generator was born out of the idea that the types of apologies we've been seeing from celebrities are so generic that they might as well be pre-written or even automated.

"At the time, I said to myself that what I did was OK because I never showed a woman my dick without asking first, which is also true," comedian Louis C.K. wrote in a statement to the New York Times. Photo by Kevin Mazur/Getty Images for The Bob Woodruff Foundation.

Apologies are important, so what makes a good one?

According to Schwartz, a good apology must be earnest, specific, and remorseful. "Actually saying, 'I'm sorry' helps, and not making excuses," she writes, adding that the best apologies would have happened years ago and not just when someone's professional reputation is on the line.

A 2014 paper by Stanford psychologist Karina Schumann, published in the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology suggests that a good apology actually has eight specific parts:

  1. The words "I'm sorry."
  2. The words "I was wrong," or some variation thereof.
  3. An acknowledgment of the action being apologized for.
  4. An honest description of the action without blaming others.
  5. An emphasis on understanding how the wronged person has been hurt.
  6. An outline of plans to make amends for the damage the was done.
  7. An assurance that what's being apologized for won't happen again.
  8. An ask for forgiveness.

Not every apology will be accepted, and that's OK. We all make mistakes in our lives; we all have moments or actions that have probably necessitated an apology or two along the way. Not every apology has to be a big public show — in fact, most genuine apologies aren't.

In an ideal world, the offending action wouldn't have happened in the first place. This isn't that world, however. People make mistakes, and when they do, they should say they're sorry — they should just make sure it doesn't sound like something you'd find on Schwartz's website.

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The President does nothing. Says nothing. He just stands there and waits for the crowd to finish their outburst.

WATCH: Trump rally crowd chants 'send her back' after he criticizes Rep. Ilhan Omar www.youtube.com

My mind flashes to another President of the United States speaking to a stadium full of people in North Carolina in 2016. A heckler in the crowd—an old man in uniform holding up a TRUMP sign—starts shouting, disrupting the speech. The crowd boos. Soon they start chanting, "Hillary! Hillary! Hillary!"

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According to Biological Diversity, "An estimated 40 percent of the food produced in the United States is wasted every year, costing households, businesses and farms about $218 billion annually."

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Supermarkets are just as guilty of this unnecessary waste as consumers. About 10% of all food waste are supermarket products thrown out before they've reached their expiration date.

Three years ago, France took big steps to combat food waste by making a law that bans grocery stores from throwing away edible food.According to the new ordinance, stores can be fined for up to $4,500 for each infraction.

Previously, the French threw out 7.1 million tons of food. Sixty-seven percent of which was tossed by consumers, 15% by restaurants, and 11% by grocery stores.

This has created a network of over 5,000 charities that accept the food from supermarkets and donate them to charity. The law also struck down agreements between supermarkets and manufacturers that prohibited the stores from donating food to charities.

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It's expected that similar laws may spread through Europe, but people are a lot less confident at it happening in the United States. The USDA believes that the biggest barrier to such a program would be cost to the charities and or supermarkets.

"The logistics of getting safe, wholesome, edible food from anywhere to people that can use it is really difficult," the organization said according to Gizmodo. "If you're having to set up a really expensive system to recover marginal amounts of food, that's not good for anybody."

Plus, the idea may seem a little too "socialist" for the average American's appetite.

"The French version is quite socialist, but I would say in a great way because you're providing a way where they [supermarkets] have to do the beneficial things not only for the environment, but from an ethical standpoint of getting healthy food to those who need it and minimizing some of the harmful greenhouse gas emissions that come when food ends up in a landfill," Jonathan Bloom, the author of American Wasteland, told NPR.

However, just because something may be socialist doesn't mean it's wrong. The greater wrong is the insane waste of money, damage to the environment, and devastation caused by hunger that can easily be avoided.

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