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The Celebrity Perv Apology Generator is hilariously, depressingly accurate.

The results from this website could easily be real celebrity apologies.

Why are celebrity apologies so ... bad? Like ... head-scratchingly bad?

Harvey Weinstein prefaced his by saying that he "came of age in the '60s and '70s, when all the rules about behavior in workplaces were different." Louis C.K. noted that he "never showed a woman [his] dick without asking first." Kevin Spacey felt the need to say, "I choose now to live as a gay man."

For having access to some of the best public relations professionals in the world, it seems celebrities just can't seem to put together a statement of contrition that actually comes off as genuine.


Kevin Spacey and Harvey Weinstein have both recently released less-than-stellar apologies for truly reprehensible acts. Photos by Christopher Polk/Getty Images, Photo by Drew Angerer/Getty Images.

Author Dana Schwartz jokingly tweeted plans to start "a small business ghostwriting half-hearted apologies for celebrity pervs." Within 24 hours, it became a reality.

Teaming up with designers Rob Sheridan and Scott McCaughey, Schwartz launched the Celebrity Perv Apology Generator, where anyone can go and get their very own half-assed apology for free. It's satire at its best, reflecting non-apologies back on the celebrities who give them.

"Please consult for all your celebrity perv apology needs," Schwartz tweeted.

In cycling through a few results on the apology generator, some familiar phrases popped up.

"As someone who grew up in a different era, the allegations against me are troubling," reads one of the responses.

[rebelmouse-image 19532814 dam="1" original_size="748x256" caption=""As someone who grew up in a different era, the allegations against me are troubling. I comforted myself by saying that at least I asked before I 'honked' her boobs and demanded she watch me shower, and of course now I realize my behavior was wrong. In conclusion, I'm not saying the victim is a 'liar,' I'm just saying 'she's not telling the truth about the thing that happened because maybe it didn't even happen.'"" expand=1]"As someone who grew up in a different era, the allegations against me are troubling. I comforted myself by saying that at least I asked before I 'honked' her boobs and demanded she watch me shower, and of course now I realize my behavior was wrong. In conclusion, I'm not saying the victim is a 'liar,' I'm just saying 'she's not telling the truth about the thing that happened because maybe it didn't even happen.'"

"As a father of daughters," begins another.

[rebelmouse-image 19532815 dam="1" original_size="748x263" caption=""As the father of daughters, I feel tremendously guilty now that the things I did have been made public. I imagined that any woman would have been thrilled to see a tiny penis peeking out from below my pasty, middle-aged paunch like the head of a geriatric albino turtle moments from death, and of course now I realize my behavior was wrong. In conclusion, I will wait 2-3 years before reappearing in film and TV and just sort of hope you all forget about this."" expand=1]"As the father of daughters, I feel tremendously guilty now that the things I did have been made public. I imagined that any woman would have been thrilled to see a tiny penis peeking out from below my pasty, middle-aged paunch like the head of a geriatric albino turtle moments from death, and of course now I realize my behavior was wrong. In conclusion, I will wait 2-3 years before reappearing in film and TV and just sort of hope you all forget about this."

The common thread in each of these results is that the words "I'm sorry" are nowhere to be found, instead, replaced by a litany of excuses.

"As a male feminist, harassment is completely unacceptable — especially when people find out about it. At the time I believed that my sociopathic manipulation of the 22-year-old in my office was consensual, and of course now I realize my behavior was wrong. In conclusion, I will delete my Twitter account because I hate to see people who are mad at me."

"I found myself getting really exacerbated by the cycle of accusation, blowback, and apology," Schwartz explains in a Twitter direct message.

"The apologies just became these rote boxes to check, like a whole new genre of writing complete with its own cliches and recycled phrases," she says.

The generator was born out of the idea that the types of apologies we've been seeing from celebrities are so generic that they might as well be pre-written or even automated.

[rebelmouse-image 19532817 dam="1" original_size="748x445" caption=""At the time, I said to myself that what I did was OK because I never showed a woman my dick without asking first, which is also true," comedian Louis C.K. wrote in a statement to the New York Times. Photo by Kevin Mazur/Getty Images for The Bob Woodruff Foundation." expand=1]"At the time, I said to myself that what I did was OK because I never showed a woman my dick without asking first, which is also true," comedian Louis C.K. wrote in a statement to the New York Times. Photo by Kevin Mazur/Getty Images for The Bob Woodruff Foundation.

Apologies are important, so what makes a good one?

According to Schwartz, a good apology must be earnest, specific, and remorseful. "Actually saying, 'I'm sorry' helps, and not making excuses," she writes, adding that the best apologies would have happened years ago and not just when someone's professional reputation is on the line.

A 2014 paper by Stanford psychologist Karina Schumann, published in the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology suggests that a good apology actually has eight specific parts:

  1. The words "I'm sorry."
  2. The words "I was wrong," or some variation thereof.
  3. An acknowledgment of the action being apologized for.
  4. An honest description of the action without blaming others.
  5. An emphasis on understanding how the wronged person has been hurt.
  6. An outline of plans to make amends for the damage the was done.
  7. An assurance that what's being apologized for won't happen again.
  8. An ask for forgiveness.

Not every apology will be accepted, and that's OK. We all make mistakes in our lives; we all have moments or actions that have probably necessitated an apology or two along the way. Not every apology has to be a big public show — in fact, most genuine apologies aren't.

In an ideal world, the offending action wouldn't have happened in the first place. This isn't that world, however. People make mistakes, and when they do, they should say they're sorry — they should just make sure it doesn't sound like something you'd find on Schwartz's website.

All images provided by Bombas

We can all be part of the giving movement

True

We all know that small acts of kindness can turn into something big, but does that apply to something as small as a pair of socks?

Yes, it turns out. More than you might think.

A fresh pair of socks is a simple comfort easily taken for granted for most, but for individuals experiencing homelessness—they are a rare commodity. Currently, more than 500,000 people in the U.S. are experiencing homelessness on any given night. Being unstably housed—whether that’s couch surfing, living on the streets, or somewhere in between—often means rarely taking your shoes off, walking for most if not all of the day, and having little access to laundry facilities. And since shelters are not able to provide pre-worn socks due to hygienic reasons, that very basic need is still not met, even if some help is provided. That’s why socks are the #1 most requested clothing item in shelters.

homelessness, bombasSocks are a simple comfort not everyone has access to

When the founders of Bombas, Dave Heath and Randy Goldberg, discovered this problem, they decided to be part of the solution. Using a One Purchased = One Donated business model, Bombas helps provide not only durable, high-quality socks, but also t-shirts and underwear (the top three most requested clothing items in shelters) to those in need nationwide. These meticulously designed donation products include added features intended to offer comfort, quality, and dignity to those experiencing homelessness.

Over the years, Bombas' mission has grown into an enormous movement, with more than 75 million items donated to date and a focus on providing support and visibility to the organizations and people that empower these donations. These are the incredible individuals who are doing the hard work to support those experiencing —or at risk of—homelessness in their communities every day.

Folks like Shirley Raines, creator of Beauty 2 The Streetz. Every Saturday, Raines and her team help those experiencing homelessness on Skid Row in Los Angeles “feel human” with free makeovers, haircuts, food, gift bags and (thanks to Bombas) fresh socks. 500 pairs, every week.

beauty 2 the streetz, skid row laRaines is out there helping people feel their beautiful best

Or Director of Step Forward David Pinson in Cincinnati, Ohio, who offers Bombas donations to those trying to recover from addiction. Launched in 2009, the Step Forward program encourages participation in community walking/running events in order to build confidence and discipline—two major keys to successful rehabilitation. For each marathon, runners are outfitted with special shirts, shoes—and yes, socks—to help make their goals more achievable.

step forward, helping homelessness, homeless non profitsRunning helps instill a sense of confidence and discipline—two key components of successful recovery

Help even reaches the Front Street Clinic of Juneau, Alaska, where Casey Ploof, APRN, and David Norris, RN give out free healthcare to those experiencing homelessness. Because it rains nearly 200 days a year there, it can be very common for people to get trench foot—a very serious condition that, when left untreated, can require amputation. Casey and Dave can help treat trench foot, but without fresh, clean socks, the condition returns. Luckily, their supply is abundant thanks to Bombas. As Casey shared, “people will walk across town and then walk from the valley just to come here to get more socks.”

step forward clinic, step forward alaska, homelessness alaskaWelcome to wild, beautiful and wet Alaska!

The Bombas Impact Report provides details on Bombas’s mission and is full of similar inspiring stories that show how the biggest acts of kindness can come from even the smallest packages. Since its inception in 2013, the company has built a network of over 3,500 Giving Partners in all 50 states, including shelters, nonprofits and community organizations dedicated to supporting our neighbors who are experiencing- or at risk- of homelessness.

Their success has proven that, yes, a simple pair of socks can be a helping hand, an important conversation starter and a link to humanity.

You can also be a part of the solution. Learn more and find the complete Bombas Impact Report by clicking here.

via UNSW

This article originally appeared on 07.10.21


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