sibling loss

If there's one thing that people who have experienced a tragic loss can agree on, it's that grief is weird. It's not predictable, it doesn't neatly follow specific stages, and until you've been through it, you never know how you are going to react. There's no timeframe for grief, and there are no rules for it, either.

In fact, sometimes a grief response can run completely counter to societal expectations, sometimes in ways that might feel irreverent or inappropriate from the outside. Case in point: A video of a group of young adult siblings who can't stop giggling as they share life updates with their dead younger brother.

The video was shared by Brittany and includes her siblings, Jessica and Tyler. (They also have another brother, Connor, who was not there for this video.) Brittany has been using social media as a "digital grief journal," sharing the wide range of feelings and experiences that have come along in her grief journey.

While laughter isn't often associated with loss, the siblings can't contain themselves as they talk to Daniel, the baby of the family, who died six months ago. The more they share, the funnier they find it.

Grief humor is more common than people might think

Odd? Perhaps. Common? Absolutely. Brittany tells Upworthy that she and her siblings cry a lot, but they also share fun stories about Daniel and use humor to cope. As people demonstrate in the comments, finding humor in grief is much more common than people think, and it's refreshing to see that truth not just acknowledged but embraced. Check out some of the responses:

"Two hours after my mom passed a scam call came in on her phone. They asked for her by name and I said, sorry, you just missed her. I just know she woulda been laughing at that. Grief is a strange thing."

"As a former middle child who is now an only child, the trauma laughter is what keeps us going. When I tell people my siblings are dead and they get all quiet, I like to reassure them, 'I didn't k!ll them.' They still don't laugh, but I do."

"My family grieves like y'all. My sisters and I were told we'd have to leave our Nana's wake if we couldn't stop laughing at the atrocious art in the funeral home that she would have hated."

"I lost my son Daniel in October and we have constant conversations and some of them end up just like this. ♥"

"My daughter died last year shortly after birth and on Christmas my husband said, 'Abigail was such a good girl this year, she didn't make a peep and didn't ask for a single thing for Christmas!' Grief is weird but the humor keeps us going."

"I can 100% confirm this is exactly how my sister and I would be about each other too. There is no right way to grieve, no timeline. Some of my meaningful memories involve cracking up with my family shortly after one of our loved ones passed away. All I see is a group of siblings who clearly love each other dearly. ❤️❤️❤️❤️"

"My baby brother died in July and the laughing so you don't cry is so valid 🥺 my brother would have been the first one to laugh at how hard me and my sisters boohooed at his funeral. 🤣"

"If I died, this is exactly how I would want my siblings to act 💀 pls giggle about how absurd my earthly departure was."

Humor can be a healthy coping mechanism

A 2020-2021 study of grief triggers found an "unexpected" result: humor can both trigger grief and help people navigate it.

"Humor was revealed as a grief trigger for many participants, as well as a periodic way for most to cope with their grief," the study's authors write. "As humor is not often associated with grief, these humor findings were unexpected."

Everyone grieves differently, so naturally, the study participants had varying experiences with humor in their grief process. For instance, some people found it triggering because funny things reminded them of the person who died and highlighted their loss.

One participant shared:

“(Humor) reminded me of him, as he liked to joke around, and I am in hard grief. Too much is reminding me of him, and I have to live here in our house but without him now. I have to accept he is dead. Life moves on. No one can help us. Grief is something you go through alone” (P2).

And another shared:

“I never knew until she died, how much I appreciated her ability to laugh and make fun of things. We would always laugh on the phone or whenever we visited. She could tell outrageous stories. After she died, all I had to do was think about that and I would get a major wave of grief. I still get grief waves when I think of her and how much she made life fun for me” (P1).

However, others found that humor and laughter helped them:

“Humor is what made it possible for me to live, I looked forward to the times I could laugh or smile; I could get a break from my grief. I even started searching for humor, every day I looked for funny stories or cartoon jokes, so each day I could laugh and be lifted out of my grief” (P10).

"(She) had been a funny person who laughed a lot until she became ill and life got to be very tough for her. Now when I hear a joke or see something funny, I can remember and appreciate Mom as she once was, and be happy that her suffering is over and that for most of her life, her life was good. She got a lot out of life. She was the one who made her life enjoyable; a good lesson for us all” (P7).

And of course, some people found a mix of both to be true:

“Hearing a laugh often triggered tough grief. But I am finding now that good memories, happy memories, and good thoughts about her are instead being triggered. I so loved to hear her laugh and to laugh with her. Laughing is a wonderful way to remember her. It honors her life and respects her. Laughing is what defined her. I can live with that and I can take comfort in that” (P1).

Not everyone will find humor to be appropriate, especially people who have never experienced major grief. The key is not to judge one another's processing and to allow whatever feelings and experiences of grief happen as they roll through. Dealing with a death is hard, and if letting people grieve however they grieve without judgment makes it even the tiniest bit easier, that's what we all should do.

As Brittany shared with "the grief police" who criticized her video:

"I’m allowed to grieve out loud and publicly. I’m allowed to grieve differently than you do. I hope my loved ones find joy even after I pass. I hope they find silly things they think I would love. I hope they laugh. I hope they make videos and share my most embarrassing moments. I’m allowed to be sad and also find humor in the absurdity of losing someone I love. The beauty is that none of us grieve exactly the same because we have different relationships with our loved ones who have passed on. I would never judge someone for how they grieve. And choosing to judge how I grieve someone I love most in the world, a relationship you know nothing about, is a silly, silly, thing to do.🤍"

You can follow Brittany on Instagram and TikTok.