You’re going to visit a city where a friend of yours lives, or maybe you’re just thinking about it. What’s the etiquette for asking if you can stay with them while you’re in town? Is it rude to ask that? Is it rude not to? Does it depend?
People have strong feelings on both ends of the spectrum. Some think it’s wholly inappropriate to ask to stay in someone’s home, even if they’re a friend. Others see it as a snub to book a hotel or other rental when a friend lives there who might be happy to host you.
So who is right? The answer may just boil down to your subculture.
We all know about cultural differences. Subcultures are trickier.
In our interconnected, global society, we’ve gotten used to managing cross-cultural differences. We know that etiquette in Japan can be completely different than etiquette in the United States, and we adjust our expectations and behaviors accordingly.
Subcultures are a bit trickier, especially the farther down you drill. Americans may share some national cultural similarities, but regional norms can differ widely. And we all live within layers of subculture that go beyond geography. Our socioeconomic status might come with a subculture. Our social circles can share a subculture. Profession, religion, hobbies, fandoms, family, and more can all affect what we see as norms and expectations, which may or may not sit well with others.
That’s why “Is it rude to ask a friend to stay at their house?” leads to debate. In Subcultural norms may dictate what your answer is and the rules around how/when/if it’s okay to ask. but it may not be clear exactly which subculture has influenced your thinking. Is it a family norm? A social norm? A regional norm? Without realizing it, we may just assume that our subcultural norm is the norm.
An explanation for how we got here
Kelsey Piper shared an explanation on X for how subculture affects how we approach the question as well as the debate:
“In some subcultures, ‘hey, I’ll be in your city on [dates]’ is the ask, and if you can host them you are supposed to reply offering to host them. Further saying ‘can you host me’ is way over the line in this set of comunication norms!
“In other subcultures, you may say ‘would it be possible for us to visit you in [city]’ before booking the trip but it’s outlandishly boorish to ask *after* booking the trip.
“In many subcultures it’s extremely rude to give a direct ‘no’ at all, and therefore extremely rude to put someone in a position where they must say ‘no to decline.
“This is commonly handled by having the first ‘yes’ be a fake ‘yes’ which the other party is not actually supposed to accept. Then a further ‘yes’ is a real yes1 ‘Oh, you must stay with me while you’re in [city].’ “I couldn’t possibly.’ ‘Well at least get lunch with me!’”
Piper explained that such rules used to be in etiquette books so everyone in a certain group could follow the same code. But we now have so many cultures and subcultures we interact with, it’s easy to misinterpret one another because we’re adhering to different social codes.
The Askers vs. Guessers theory
Piper’s explanation touched on a theory that became popular years ago, often referred to as Askers vs. Guessers. The theory posits that some people grew up in families where it’s totally acceptable and normal to ask for what you want, with no expectation that the answer will be “yes” or “no.” Askers will make requests even if the answer might be “no.” They are also (usually) comfortable saying “no” to requests made of them.
Others grew up in families where it was considered rude to ask for something unless you were nearly positive the answer would be “yes.” In order to make a direct ask, you must first guess what the answer will be, and proceed accordingly. Guessers usually have a hard time saying “no” to requests because in their world, someone would only ask for something if they expect the answer to be “yes.”
If an Asker wants something, they’ll ask for it straight up. If a Guesser wants something and aren’t sure of the answer, they’ll take an indirect route, dropping hints that might lead to an offer. Askers and Guessers often misunderstand one another, with Askers feeling like, “Why don’t you just ask instead of pussy-footing around?” and Guessers feeling like, “That so rude to put someone in a position to have to say no.”
Askers and Guessers may not be separate subcultures in and of themselves, but both tendencies seem to align with specific subcultures.
How to artfully handle such an ask
Knowing the tendency of the person you’re asking is most helpful, but there are other things to consider as well. Does the person live in a small space or share their home with others? Probably reasonable not to ask, and just let them know you’ll be in town. If they offer, you can talk it through.
If the person has a large home with dedicated guest space, it’s more reasonable to inquire. Even then, some people are more comfortable waiting for the person to offer. As Piper suggested, asking for recommendations of places or areas of town to stay in can provide a wide opening for an offer but also an easy way out for the potential host.
The bottom line is, it’s not inherently rude to ask a friend for a place to crash—or for a ride to the airport, or for money they owe you from a split meal, or any other request that raises etiquette questions. Every person has their own threshold for what’s considered appropriate or considerate, and every friendship has its own unique dynamic. We’re not programmed robots, we’re humans, and that means navigating the nuances of our relationships, in all of their wonderful intricacies.
