equality

Diversity is the spice of life, they say. Our differences are what make us special, unique. But sometimes, you yearn for others to understand you in a way that simply can’t happen unless you ask them outright.

That’s what happened on Reddit, when a man asked the forum r/AskFeminists the following question:

“What would you choose as the ONE concept you would make all men on the planet instantly understand, given the power to do so? Tell me about stuff that has nothing to do with men. That we can’t understand because we’re not even there!”

An unusual request with wonderful, thoughtful answers. Reddit

Women responded enthusiastically, sharing their day-to-day experiences, ranging from differences in health care to the intricacies of “that time of the month.” We’ve gathered 12 of the most highly voted answers, below.

1. Women are not a monolith

First things first, despite the prompt (and the intriguing answers it produced) women are not all the same. They do not think the same, feel the same, or have anything in common, solely based on their gender. The top-voted comment to this Reddit thread said as much, with a user writing:

“The biggest deficiency is not quite getting that we aren’t some hive mind or have some essential trait in common the differentiates us from men. We are no more of a puzzle to be figured out than any of your friends or acquaintances who are men. And just because you dated/met/saw on TikTok a woman who said or did X, that is no reflection on the next woman.”

Photo credit: Canva

The next woman echoed this, saying:

“I am as unique from other people as you are. People often consider women to be a monolith or a hive mind. Absolutely not so. My experiences, opinions, moral codes, and answers are mine.”

2. Women are hilarious

Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Quinta Bronson, Carol Burnett: Women have been funny since the dawn of time. Yet, why do some believe the opposite to be true?

- YouTube www.youtube.com

“I have noticed that this whole ‘women are not funny’ myth leads to women (at least those around me) not loosing up and cracking jokes in environments different from the ones they feel safe in,” commented one user.

“Like, you know the class clown stereotype? It is rarely a woman. I also don’t see women making lots of jokes during work presentations or conferences, whereas some men freely use humor as a main tool to keep an audience engaged.”

Another person put even more plainly, writing:

“Women can be just as hilarious as men. In fact, I personally find women way more naturally and authentically funnier than men.”

3. Women are expected to be caregivers

Societal norms have long equated femininity with very specific traits, including to be nurturing, sensitive, and caregiving. From childhood, girls are frequently encouraged to play with dolls, help with chores, and model caregiving behaviors, while boys are rarely socialized in the same way. These expectations continue throughout a woman’s life—often, without their conscious knowledge of it—and they learn the lesson that caregiving is both their duty and moral obligation.

“I think that men often fail to understand the way that women are socialized to be 24/7 caregivers in a way that’s truly mind-blowing if you think about it,” starts another commenter.

She continues with an example:

“I’m sure you’ve seen a million conflicts where a wife is pissed off about something minor that her husband keeps doing, like, maybe he eats all her snacks without replacing them. She lets this go for a while, until she finally brings it up, and it’s a big emotional conversation. And he goes 'Well why didn’t you tell me? You need to communicate if I’m doing something that bothers you!' And everybody agrees that this whole problem was the wife’s responsibility to say something sooner.”

Even from a young age, girls are socialized to like and do certain things. Photo credit: Canva

4. Inequalities in healthcare

The Retrievals is a fascinating, heart-wrenching audio series by The New York Times, in which they tell the story of I.V.F patients at the Yale Fertility Clinic who experienced excruciating pain during a surgical procedure called egg removal. Despite their protests, no one believed them.

“Women’s pain is often downplayed by medical professionals or, more dangerously, told that their pain is ‘natural’ and ‘expected,’” writes one commenter.

“This mindset leads doctors to do procedures like IUD insertion without any sort of warning or pain management offered, which is barbaric. Or it leads to women downplaying their own pain, like from fibroids or PCOS or MS, because they’ve been told ‘oh, you’re supposed to be in debilitating pain.’”

Another woman echoed her experience, sharing:

“It’s so infuriating. I’ve had some serious and not so serious medical issues in my life, and I have yet to be taken seriously by even one doctor.”

5. Pregnancy

Over on r/AskWomenNoCensor, a similar discussion went on, this time, around the question, “What’s something men won’t be able to understand about women’s experiences without experiencing it themselves?”

The first answer?

Pregnancy.

“Pregnancy. Everything about it,” writes one woman.

“Not wanting it; wanting it; the body changes during; the decisions if you don’t want to carry it; birth; after-birth. So, so much!”

6. Objectification

In a paper titled “Objectification Theory, Self-Objectification, and Body Image,” by RM Calogero, they write:

“A large body of research has documented that women are targeted for sexually objectifying treatment in their day-to-day lives more often than are men. Sexual objectification refers to the fragmentation of a woman into a collection of sexual parts and/or sexual functions, essentially stripping her of a unique personality and subjectivity so that she exists as merely a body. It is important to note that these experiences of sexual objectification occur outside of women’s personal control.”

Many commenters seemed to have experienced that phenomenon first-hand.

One person wished that men understood this better, writing: “We learn to self-monitor at such a young age. We view ourselves through a third-person perspective because we were conditioned to always see ourselves through the eyes of men and what they want.”

“This one just hit me hard,” another woman replied. “I never realized this, even tho I’ve known it all along. My god.”

7. It’s the little things

“The insidious social pressure to keep track of little things,” explains one user.

“Birthdays, appointments, animal care, where wallets and keys get tossed, arranging things with family, maintaining a comfortable home, meal planning, making sure I’m prepared for emergencies, how I look, how my friends are doing, what’s our budget look like this month, etc. It used to really bother me that my mom was always finishing things up before sitting down to eat with us, but I find myself doing the same thing. I’m so practiced in scanning the environment because if I don’t tend to the minute no one else will catch it, and I can’t physically relax knowing it’s waiting there for me.”

Being responsible for all the little things of life can be exhausting. Photo credit: Canva

8. Periods

Unsurprisingly, ‘periods’ was a frequent response, with one person writing, “I wish I could carry around the [period simulator] machine and attach it to guys to make them feel how it feels.”

Another person listed the different things women have to deal with on or around their period, including:

• Cramps
• Fatigue
• Hunger
• Irritation
• Emotions
• Being told that it’s “not that bad”

“I want to add the 'she’s on her period,’” they continue.

“Even if someone was menstrual 100% of the time, they still have a voice. What they say still matters. So many people will undercut another’s value with 'Oh, are you on your period?’”

9. “High maintenance”

Then there's of course, the infamous Pink Tax. This refers to the tendency for products marketed specifically toward women to be more expensive than those marketed toward men. On average, these products—including razors, deodorants, shampoos, and lotions—are, on average, 7–13% more expensive than similar items for men. In some studies, like the 2015 New York City Department of Consumer Affairs report, show that women’s products can cost thousands more over a lifetime for essentially identical products, differing only by color or packaging.

But even on top of that, the cost of maintaining a female body—haircuts, dry cleaning, makeup, skin care, nails, feminine hygiene products—all add up to an exorbitant amount.

- YouTube www.youtube.com

“I wish men knew how expensive all that female cr*p is,” explained one commenter.

“I’m not talking about the pink tax — as for instance when I saw the identical set of tweezers in two kinds of packaging, one for women and one for men, and the women’s version cost $2 more — but just the sheer volume of crap you buy. Most of us don’t do it just for ourselves. Rarely do our jobs require it, but we get treated a lot better, and I don’t mean ‘straight men are hanging off me!’ better (and that’s not a good thing anyway), but as in ‘we don’t get ignored as much when we talk’ better. Of course, you have to walk the line of ‘attractive enough to tolerate’ and ‘attractive enough to make straight men blame you for their bad behavior.’

10. Don’t stand so close to me

“I think the largest gap in understanding between men and women is how truly scary it is for women (especially young women) to exist,” begins one woman.

“This is not to say that it’s not scary to be a man at times, but the fear experienced is different. Men tend to think of fear as being stabbed in a dark alley or being attacked by a bear in the forest, while for women it could be walking through a well-lit parking lot by themselves.”

She continues,

“I don’t think a lot of men realize that when they approach women, the woman is thinking about how much of a threat that man could be. Or walking down the street, how dangerous they appear.”

11. Postpartum

We’ve touched on periods and pregnancy, but what happens once the baby is born? Sunshine and rainbows, I assume?

Wrong.

“In my experience, postpartum depression takes the crown,” wrote one woman.

“Absolutely!” agreed another.

“I went through it and it was pure misery. Trying to take care of an infant while being in a mental health crisis is horrible. What’s more, my ex-husband didn’t believe me, said I probably saw something on TV and that I was just faking it. Part of the reason he’s my ex.”

Across the globe, it is estimated that 1 in 7 women (14.3%) experience postpartum depression. In the U.S., that number drops slightly to 12.7% (roughly 1 in 8 mothers) and generally lasts for 3–6 months—even longer, without the proper treatment.

12. And finally…

The last thing women wish men knew about them? That for most women, our lives don’t revolve around men.

One woman summed it up perfectly:

“I think most men here on Reddit have no idea what actual women conversations and friendships are. So many men seem to think that women treat their friends like some extra brittle china dolls, never being sarcastic with them, or jokingly insulting, having to walk on eggshells around them, never having any banter, never saying what they actually think, etc. Do they really think that women can’t have a good banter with other women, be really blunt with each other and not get offended, jokingly hit each other or basically just have very diverse and different human relationships?”

There you have it: the 12 things women wish men would understand about them. Women are not a monolith; they are different and unique and can’t be grouped together just by gender. Life can be scary, in ways that men typically don’t have to think about. Women's lives are expensive. And we’re just people: flawed, funny, lazy, uncaring, loving—all of it. And at the end of the day, it’s a beautiful experience. It’s just like Shania Twain said: “Man, I feel like a woman (hey!)”