Ralph Waldo Emerson contributed endless wisdom through his essays and poetry during his lifetime. He lived from 1803 to 1882.
The New England author is still revered today for his insights on humanity—so much so that he continues to influence pop culture. The video game Mortal Kombat 3 re-popularized a famous Emerson quote: “There is no knowledge that is not power.”
Emerson was also the father of four children, and his 19th-century parenting advice is still relevant today.
Emerson’s kids
Emerson’s first marriage was to a woman named Ellen Louisa Tucker in September 1829. She suffered from tuberculosis and, unfortunately, died less than two years later in February 1831. Devastated by her death, Emerson wrote this short poem in 1833:
“The days pass over me
And I am still the same
The Aroma of my life is gone
Like the flower with which it came.“
He married for a second time in September 1835 to Lidian (Lydia) Jackson. The couple went on to have four children: Waldo, born in 1836; Ellen, born in 1839; Edith, born in 1841; and Edward Waldo, born in 1844.
Emerson was a devoted father. His son, Edward Waldo, wrote of his father: “He had a love and tenderness for very small children, and his skill in taking and handling a baby was in remarkable contrast to his awkwardness with animals and tools.”
He also had a close relationship with his second child, Ellen Tucker Emerson. She was equally devoted to her father and never married. Instead, she served as his secretary and editor, as well as his housekeeper and caregiver.
Emerson’s parenting advice
In a letter to Ellen dated 1854, Emerson shared fatherly wisdom that encouraged her to move on from mistakes and live confidently. It’s advice that parents today may still find applicable when trying to instill confidence in their children.
He wrote, as quoted in A Memoir of Ralph Waldo Emerson (1887) by James Elliot Cabot:
“Finish every day and be done with it. For manners and for wise living it is a vice to remember. You have done what you could; some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. To-morrow is a new day; you shall begin it well and serenely, and with too high a spirit to be cumbered with your old nonsense. This day for all that is good and fair. It is too dear, with its hopes and invitations, to waste a moment on the rotten yesterdays.”
Emerson acknowledges that his daughter will make mistakes, but encourages her not to dwell on them for too long. Each day is a “new day,” and she can move forward with confidence without needing to be perfect.
Tips on raising confident kids
Parents can help their kids process mistakes and move forward without relying on the pressures of achievement and perfectionism. The American Psychological Association (APA) explains that this sense of being valued and supported is called “mattering.”
Mattering is defined as “the feeling of being valued to loved ones and communities, regardless of external evaluations of ‘success’.”
“Young people need to know that they can make a mistake or have a bad performance and they will still be cared about and accepted and perhaps even prized,” Gordon Flett, PhD, a research psychologist at York University in Toronto and author of Mattering as a Core Need in Children and Adolescents: Theoretical, Clinical, and Research Perspectives, told the APA.
To strengthen a sense of mattering, the APA recommends that parents try the following:
Spend engaged time with kids
The goal is to send kids the message that their worth is based on who they are, not what they do. Flett recommends that parents put away their phones and laptops during interactions to encourage better engagement and listening, helping kids feel heard and understood.
Normalize setbacks
This can be done by explaining to kids that mistakes are part of being human and that your love for them is not contingent on never making them.
“As soon as you make those things contingent on achievement, which is very easy to do in this culture, then kids start to learn very quickly that they’re only really worth something when they’ve done well, and they are a failure if they haven’t,” Thomas Curran, PhD, a social psychologist at the London School of Economics and author of The Perfection Trap, explained to the APA. “That creates a dependency on other people’s approval, which is a very quick way to perfectionism.”
Serve others
According to the APA, volunteering has been studied as a helpful way to build resilience and self-esteem while reducing the pressures of achievement. By focusing on the well-being of others, kids can also develop a stronger sense of usefulness and purpose.
“I would recommend to any parent who’s concerned about a child becoming a workaholic perfectionist who’s only focused on achievement [to] try to model going out there and being prosocial and finding some causes,” Flett said.
