When it comes to disciplining teens, every generation and every parent has their own style. Back in the Gen X days, when someone got grounded, we often heard things like, “No TV for two weeks!”
Of course, cell phones didn’t exist back then, so removing them wasn’t an option.
Many Gen X parents now choose to take away cell phones as punishment. But one mom, Carol, has gone viral on Instagram for declaring that she doesn’t agree with that approach. In fact, she believes it can make matters worse.
Over a video of kids playing in a park, a chyron reads, “I’m not taking away my teen’s phone anymore as a fast consequence.”
A new approach
“You know when your teen messes up and your first instinct is to go straight for the phone?” Carol asked. “Yeah… that used to be me. Disrespectful tone? Phone. Didn’t follow a rule? Phone. Endless fighting with siblings? Phone. And yes… it ‘worked’ fast. They’d stop right away.”
“But it didn’t sit right with me,” she wrote. “Because the behavior stopped but the conversation stopped too. They shut down, got defensive, and I ended up feeling like the worst mom in the world.”
At some point, she realized that a phone can be a source of support and connection for some teenagers:
“What slowly changed things for me was realizing this: for teens, their phone isn’t just a distraction. It’s where their friends are. Where they vent. Where they feel connected.
So, when I took the phone away in the heat of the moment, I wasn’t just taking away a privilege… I was cutting them off from their world right when emotions were high. Another thing: the consequence wasn’t even connected to what they did. So it didn’t really correct the behavior. It just felt unfair to them and built resentment.”
Instead, she tried to make the punishment fit the crime:
“So I tried a small shift. I started using consequences that actually match what I’m trying to correct.
If the tone is disrespectful?
I don’t raise my voice. I hold the line and say we’ll talk when they can speak to me respectfully.
If siblings can’t agree?
The thing they’re fighting over is paused until they work it out (like both wanting the TV at the same time, they have to agree on turns and who goes first).
And when I do believe phone access needs to be limited, I say it ahead of time, explain the boundaries, so next time it’s not a surprise.
And the energy in our house changed. Less shutting down and resentment. More real conversations.”
Many relate
The post clearly resonated with parents. It has more than 72,000 likes and hundreds of comments, many in agreement and others vehemently disagreeing, sparking an interesting discussion.
One Instagrammer, a teenager, waded into the conversation. Not surprisingly, they agreed with the assessment:
“As a teenager, I would love to have parents who understand that taking away a phone will ‘fix’ things quickly but never in the long run and that these methods are soooo much better.”
Another commenter disagreed:
“What’s the consequence for disrespect? You actually don’t have one. The phone often is the cause of disrespect for my kid, and I am sure others, as she has spent too much time on it. When she is away from devices, she is a calmer and happier person, so yes, I will take it away and put limits on it. Kids need parents that will actually have boundaries and backbones.”
Expert opinions
Upworthy spoke with a few experts on teens. Cindy Shuster, who holds a master’s degree in elementary education and is the founder of Partner in Parenting, said, in part:
“Teens do need to be accountable for their behavior and choices, but I see too many parents relying on the phone, and it becomes a constant battle of a back-and-forth. Nothing ever changes. Parents need to work with their teens to problem-solve through bad decisions and mistakes.”
Shuster noted, however, that if the issue is the phone, it should be taken away:
“Sometimes, the phone comes into play because it is the phone that may have been used to break a rule, or its use may have led to poor grades. In this case, the conversation centers around how the phone led to the outcome, and therefore there will be new rules around the phone. However, if a child did not do well in school and it is unrelated to the phone, it does not make sense to use the phone as a punishment. Instead, it is best to sit down with the child and try to understand what broke down. Help them discover what caused them to not do their best and what they could do differently moving forward.”
Jeanette Lorandini, founder and clinical director at Suffolk DBT, had a different approach:
“I don’t think the question is simply whether taking away a phone is ‘good’ or ‘bad.’ In DBT [Dialectical Behavior Therapy], we take a dialectical approach, looking for the middle path.
On the one hand, a teen’s phone can be an important way for them to cope, connect, and regulate. On the other hand, limits and boundaries are still necessary. The goal isn’t to choose between connection and limits. It’s to create both. Before taking a phone away, it can help to ask what role it’s playing. Is it about connection, coping, or avoiding something painful? Punishment alone doesn’t teach skills. Teens need to learn what to do instead.
A middle-path approach might look like setting limits on certain apps or times while still allowing connection and support. When parents are clear, consistent, and collaborative, teens are more likely to stay connected to expectations and to the relationship.”
Many parents and teen therapists believe children and young adults have too much access to their phones in the first place.
Brooke Sundin, a licensed marriage and family therapist, shared:
“It’s important for families to remember that a phone is a privilege, not a right. As a mental health therapist, I encourage the parents I work with to empathize with their teen’s experience while confidently stepping into their parental authority when limits are needed.
While many teens view their phone as a primary source of social connection, it is important to recognize the highly engaging and addictive nature of this technology. Constant screen-based connectivity can have real negative consequences for sleep, mood, and overall well-being. Real-life interactions are not the same as screen-based interactions, and screen-based communication can take away valuable opportunities to practice in-person communication.”
