In the 17th century, the wealthy people of Scotland would escape to the small town of Moffat for its healing sulfurous springs. Today, people appreciate Moffat for another kind of healing escape…into darkness.
That’s right. The healing power of the dark of night is a thing, not only for people but for the planet.
If you’ve ever had the bounty of sitting out under the stars far away from city lights, you know how magical it can be to gaze at the night sky, but there are benefits to natural darkness that go far beyond enjoying the aesthetic beauty of space. That’s the premise behind Dark Sky Communities.
Moffat became an official Dark Sky Community in 2016 after it invested in changing the town’s lighting to prevent light pollution. Now it’s an ideal place for stargazing, with a community observatory housing a state-of-the-art telescope and townspeople dedicated to preserving the night sky. Moffat was one of the first Dark Sky Communities in Europe and is one of just 38 around the world as of January 2023.
What exactly is a Dark Sky Community and why does it matter?
The International Dark-Sky Association (IDA) began designating places around the world, from natural environments to cities and towns, as Dark Sky Places in 2001 as a way of recognizing “excellent stewardship of the night sky.” Dark Sky Places preserve and protect the dark through responsible lighting policies and public education about the importance of reducing light pollution. A Dark Sky Community is a legally organized city or town that adopts outdoor lighting ordinances that reduce light pollution and undertakes efforts to educate residents about the importance of dark skies.
Darkness matters—a lot. Not only does light pollution make it harder to see the beauty of the night sky, but it also has a negative effect on wildlife and ecosystems. Many animals, from insects to migratory birds to nocturnal animals rely on the natural rhythm of sunlight and darkness, and artificial light can disrupt their natural behaviors, sometimes to deadly effect. Light pollution also has a detrimental impact on plants, disrupting the circadian rhythm of certain pollinators and leading to reduced plant-pollinator interactions.
Too much artificial light at night can impact human health as well, as light messes with our own circadian rhythms. It’s also just a waste of energy when lights are left on unnecessarily. The IDA estimates that around 30% of outdoor lighting is wasted, just in the U.S. alone. The Artificial Light at Night (ALAN) Research Literature Database provides a wealth of scientific literature on all aspects of artificial light at night research.
But as much as science tells us about the importance of reducing light pollution, there’s also what the IDA refers to as our “night sky heritage.”
The night sky has inspired scientists and poets alike throughout human history. Canva
The IDA website explains:
“Until recently, for all of human history, our ancestors experienced a sky brimming with stars—a night sky that inspired science, religion, philosophy, art and literature, including some of Shakespeare’s most famous sonnets.
The natural night sky is our common and universal heritage, yet it’s rapidly becoming unknown to the newest generations.
Van Gogh painted his famous “Starry Night” in Saint Rémy, France, in 1889. Now, the Milky Way can no longer be seen from there. If he were alive today, would he still be inspired to paint “Starry Night”?
Experiencing the night sky provides perspective, inspiration, and leads us to reflect on our humanity and place in the universe. The history of scientific discovery and even human curiosity itself is indebted to the natural night sky.
Without the natural night sky we could not have:
Navigated the globe
Walked on the Moon
Learned of our expanding universe
Discovered that humans are made of stardust”
Our relationship with natural darkness is both practical and poetic, but in a world full of lights and screens, most of us probably don’t it as much thought or care as we should. That’s the whole purpose of naming and certifying Dark Sky Places.
The IDA shares that as of January 2023, there are 201 certified Dark Sky Places in the world, including 115 Parks, 38 Communities, 20 Reserves, 16 Sanctuaries, 6 Urban Night Sky Places, and 6 Dark Sky Friendly Developments of Distinction.
You can find the list of Dark Sky Communities here and an interactive map of all official Dark Sky Places here.
Let’s all do our part to turn off lights and limit light pollution for the good of people and our planet.
In March 2023, after months of preparation and paperwork, Anita Omary arrived in the United States from her native Afghanistan to build a better life. Once she arrived in Connecticut, however, the experience was anything but easy.
“When I first arrived, everything felt so strange—the weather, the environment, the people,” Omary recalled. Omary had not only left behind her extended family and friends in Afghanistan, she left her career managing child protective cases and supporting refugee communities behind as well. Even more challenging, Anita was five months pregnant at the time, and because her husband was unable to obtain a travel visa, she found herself having to navigate a new language, a different culture, and an unfamiliar country entirely on her own.
“I went through a period of deep disappointment and depression, where I wasn’t able to do much for myself,” Omary said.
Then something incredible happened: Omary met a woman who would become her close friend, offering support that would change her experience as a refugee—and ultimately the trajectory of her entire life.
Understanding the journey
Like Anita Omary, tens of thousands of people come to the United States each year seeking safety from war, political violence, religious persecution, and other threats. Yet escaping danger, unfortunately, is only the first challenge. Once here, immigrant and refugee families must deal with the loss of displacement, while at the same time facing language barriers, adapting to a new culture, and sometimes even facing social stigma and anti-immigrant biases.
Welcoming immigrant and refugee neighbors strengthens the nation and benefits everyone—and according to Anita Omary, small, simple acts of human kindness can make the greatest difference in helping them feel safe, valued, and truly at home.
A warm welcome
Dee and Omary's son, Osman
Anita Omary was receiving prenatal checkups at a woman’s health center in West Haven when she met Dee, a nurse.
“She immediately recognized that I was new, and that I was struggling,” Omary said. “From that moment on, she became my support system.”
Dee started checking in on Omary throughout her pregnancy, both inside the clinic and out.
“She would call me and ask am I okay, am I eating, am I healthy,” Omary said. “She helped me with things I didn’t even realize I needed, like getting an air conditioner for my small, hot room.”
Soon, Dee was helping Omary apply for jobs and taking her on driving lessons every weekend. With her help, Omary landed a job, passed her road test on the first attempt, and even enrolled at the University of New Haven to pursue her master’s degree. Dee and Omary became like family. After Omary’s son, Osman, was born, Dee spent five days in the hospital at her side, bringing her halal food and brushing her hair in the same way Omary’s mother used to. When Omary’s postpartum pain became too great for her to lift Osman’s car seat, Dee accompanied her to his doctor’s appointments and carried the baby for her.
“Her support truly changed my life,” Omary said. “Her motivation, compassion, and support gave me hope. It gave me a sense of stability and confidence. I didn’t feel alone, because of her.”
More than that, the experience gave Omary a new resolve to help other people.
“That experience has deeply shaped the way I give back,” she said. “I want to be that source of encouragement and support for others that my friend was for me.”
Extending the welcome
Omary and Dee at the Martin Luther King, Jr. Vision Awards ceremony at the University of New Haven.
Omary is now flourishing. She currently works as a career development specialist as she continues her Master’s degree. She also, as a member of the Refugee Storytellers Collective, helps advocate for refugee and immigrant families by connecting them with resources—and teaches local communities how to best welcome newcomers.
“Welcoming new families today has many challenges,” Omary said. “One major barrier is access to English classes. Many newcomers, especially those who have just arrived, often put their names on long wait lists and for months there are no available spots.” For women with children, the lack of available childcare makes attending English classes, or working outside the home, especially difficult.
Omary stresses that sometimes small, everyday acts of kindness can make the biggest difference to immigrant and refugee families.
“Welcome is not about big gestures, but about small, consistent acts of care that remind you that you belong,” Omary said. Receiving a compliment on her dress or her son from a stranger in the grocery store was incredibly uplifting during her early days as a newcomer, and Omary remembers how even the smallest gestures of kindness gave her hope that she could thrive and build a new life here.
“I built my new life, but I didn’t do it alone,” Omary said. “Community and kindness were my greatest strengths.”
Are you in? Click here to join the Refugee Advocacy Lab and sign the #WeWillWelcome pledge and complete one small act of welcome in your community. Together, with small, meaningful steps, we can build communities where everyone feels safe.
This article is part of Upworthy’s “The Threads Between U.S.” series that highlights what we have in common thanks to the generous support from the Levi Strauss Foundation, whose grantmaking is committed to creating a culture of belonging.
Have you ever gone down an Internet rabbit hole? You start researching one thing, then two hours later, find yourself reading about something entirely different? For example, you could have begun with quantum physics only to somehow find yourself engrossed in an e-book about medieval falconry.
Philosopher Perry Zurn and neuroscientist Dani S. Bassett found that people have different approaches to information seeking. Their research shows that these patterns aren’t random, but represent distinct styles of curiosity. This is how we build knowledge, connect ideas, and experience the world.
After analyzing the browsing habits of nearly 500,000 Wikipedia users across 50 countries, Zurn and Bassett identified three archetypal curiosity styles: the Hunter, the Busybody, and the Dancer.
Identifying the curiosity style that suits you best can foster mental flexibility—the type associated with greater happiness and resilience.
Curiosity research through the years
Curiosity has fascinated psychologists for decades. In the 1960s, pioneering researcher Daniel Berlyne drew a crucial distinction between two types of curiosity: Perceptual and Epistemic.
Perceptual curiosity drives us to explore new stimuli. It’s the impulse that compels a child to reach for a shiny object or an adult to pause at the sight of an unusual cloud formation.
A woman looking at the clouds in the sky. Photo credit: Canva
On the other hand, Epistemic curiosity propels us to gain knowledge and understanding. For example, a person might take photos of strange clouds, then identify them in an article about the “ten basic cloud classifications.” In this way, we seek information that moves beyond immediate sensory experiences to build a deeper comprehension.
In 2020, psychologist Todd Kashdan expanded our scientific understanding of curiosity through a five-dimensional study that examined its impact on emotional well-being.
His research revealed that joyous exploration—the pleasurable experience of discovering something new—consistently correlates with positive mental health outcomes. Meanwhile, deprivation sensitivity (which stems from an anxious drive to fill gaps in knowledge) carries a complicated emotional tenor, mixing tension and discomfort with the satisfaction of uncovering the truth.
These frameworks, put forward by Berlyne and Kashdan, set the stage for Zurn and Bassett’s groundbreaking research on curiosity styles.
Meet the styles
The Hunter: focused and goal-driven
Motivated by a specific mission, Hunters find answers by following a targeted path. Think of them as detectives on a case. When they set out on the quest for information, they stay on the trail. They do not wander. Paying close attention to related topics, they methodically build a tight, constrained network of knowledge.
The Hunter searches for answers rationally and methodically. Photo credit: Canva
For the Hunter, finding the correct answer isn’t pleasurable—it’s a relief.
Imagine a Hunter wants to understand how photosynthesis works. Their curiosity becomes a focused exposition. They read articles, check books out from the library, watch YouTube videos, and listen to podcasts until they’ve finally satisfied their desire to learn. They solve the puzzle.
This laser-focused approach to learning is why you’ll commonly find Hunters in STEM fields—science, technology, engineering, and math. These disciplines value precision, logic, and systematic understanding, which come naturally to them.
The Busybody: curious about everything
Busybodies are curious explorers who trace zigzagging routes through a wide range of unrelated topics. They’re the quintessential “rabbit hole” adventurers. They gather scattered bits of information across diverse subjects. For the Busybody, learning does not require a fixed plan or a desired conclusion.
Busybodies love to jump from topic to topic. Photo credit: Canva
A Busybody might begin by reading about the French Revolution. Flipping through the pages, something captures their attention—a detail, a name, an illustration—then they find themselves deep-diving into Japanese tea ceremonies, exploring the nuances of Persian poetry, or delving into the rich history of chocolate. All in one sitting.
The Dancer’s mind does not walk from one idea to the next. It pirouettes. Dancers are the creative synthesizers who take imaginative leaps between seemingly unrelated ideas. They combine existing concepts in new, exciting ways.
Dancers are true creatives who break established norms. Photo credit: Canva
Think of someone who applies philosophy paradigms to their astronomy thesis, or an artist who champions the parallels between musical composition and architectural design. Dancers don’t passively collect information like stamps in a book. They actively transform it.
The Wikipedia study
To explore modern curiosity styles, Zurn and Bassett teamed up with communications scientist David Lydon-Staley. Their first study tracked 149 participants in Philadelphia who browsed Wikipedia for 15 minutes daily over three weeks.
Next, they expanded their research. The team analyzed the browsing patterns of nearly half a million users of the Wikipedia mobile app across 50 countries and 14 languages. For each person, they mapped a “knowledge network” to see which articles they visited and how the topics related to one another.
A graph breaking down the data from the Wikipedia research study. Photo credit: Amanda Montañez
The patterns were clear as three groups emerged. In one, readers formed right clusters of closely related articles. Others built expansive networks covering a wide range of topics. A third group made creative leaps, linking distant knowledge in unexpected ways.
Respectively, these groups formed the basis for Zurn and Bassett’s curiosity archetypes: Hunters, Busybodies, and Dancers.
Curiosity and mental health: the Hunter’s paradox
The study revealed a surprising link between curiosity styles and mental health. Participants who browsed Wikipedia in a focused, goal-oriented manner—the Hunters—reported higher levels of depression and anxiety compared to those who browsed more freely.
This finding is consistent with Kashdan’s research on deprivation curiosity. To assuage the uncomfortable feeling of not knowing, the search itself can become stressful. The relief from finding the answer doesn’t bring joy. It just eases the tension.
Conversely, the exploratory nature associated with the other two curiosity styles—the Dancer and the Busybody—can have a protective effect. With these styles, curiosity stems from genuine interest and a sense of wonder, allowing them to engage in a discovery process that feels positive, open, and less pressured.
By focusing less on outcomes and more on the process, we may find ourselves embracing the possibility of unexpected results.
How to cultivate your curiosity
Your curiosity style isn’t set in stone. Zurn explains that curiosity is a practice. We can learn to strengthen different styles, as we see fit.
For Hunters looking to expand their horizons, set aside time for aimless exploration. While researching your next project, allow yourself to click on an unexpected link—even just one. No matter how trivial or off-topic it may look, see where it takes you.
For the curious but scattered Busybodies, experiment with the “three-click” rule. When you start reading something interesting, commit to exploring at least three related articles before moving on to a new topic. This will build a deeper understanding of specific areas.
For aspiring Dancers, search for connections between incongruent fields. Ask yourself, “How is this similar to something unrelated that I know?” Push past the obvious answers. Allow space for weird, strange, and offbeat ties and relationships to come forward. You could start with “Connections,” a game by The New York Times.
A screenshot from The New York Times game “Connections.”
Remember, all three styles of curiosity serve different purposes. As Bassett emphasizes, each plays an important role. Hunters are society’s experts, people who have mastered a domain and can solve hyper-specific problems. Busybodies fuel the engines of serendipity, amassing a wide range of knowledge that can lead to unexpected insights and creative reframing. Dancers are our original thinkers and innovators, breaking patterns and discovering new, unexplored intellectual terrain.
With great mental flexibility, one can use all three styles and switch between them as needed.
Your curiosity matters
Understanding your curiosity style is more than an intellectual exercise. It’s deeply personal. The way you seek and connect information shapes how you learn. It impacts your mental health. Curiosity lies at the foundation of making connections: between ideas, people, and the inner and outer worlds we’re always trying to make sense of.
The next time you find yourself deep in a rabbit hole, reflect on the path you took to get there. Are you searching for clear answers? Collecting ideas as they pique your interest? Or are you exploring the connections between nonlinear subjects?
Codie Sanchez—an investor, entrepreneur, business strategist, and former journalist—knows a thing or two about winning at conversation. From spending time on Wall Street to helping everyday people build unconventional wealth, she’s learned at least this: “You can be the smartest person in the room and still lose it entirely because of the way you speak.”
She explains in a YouTube video that when it comes to first impressions, everyone is “immediately” graded on the “warmth and competency” of what they’re saying, with the latter being especially crucial in business settings.
And over the years, she noticed that many intelligent people with great ideas get overlooked because of “how that intelligence is delivered.” It often comes down to one of the seven self-sabotage patterns below. (The good news: these are all easy fixes.)
The 7 speaking patterns that sabotage us from being heard
1. Excessive hedging
Hedging in linguistics is the use of cautious, tentative, or vague language. Sanchez uses examples like “but,” “I don’t know,” “maybe,” “could be,” and “I’m not sure.”
While hedging can sometimes be “strategic,” most of us do it to remain polite or to avoid coming across like a “sycophant.”
Knowing the difference between strategic hedging and insecure hedging comes down to whether you’re adding “nuance for clarity” or “padding your statement to avoid social risk.”
2. Overexplaining
“Smart people hate being misunderstood,” says Sanchez, which can lead them to pile on information. Ideas that come across as overly complicated ring less “truthful and more intelligent.” Not only that, it can convey the message that you think “your audience is slow” or that “your idea can’t stand on its own.”
Conversely, simple, easy-to-understand ideas—those with “high processing fluency”—automatically look smarter.
3. Talking too fast
When our nervous system is firing, it’s natural for our pitch and speaking speed to increase. This is unconsciously interpreted as “uncertainty.”
To offset this, Sanchez recommends identifying your most important sentence, aka a “key line,” then taking a breath before it and slowing it down by 20%.
Two people have an animated conversation. Photo credit: Canva
4. Focusing on specs, rather than story
“People remember the story change, not the feature list,” says Sanchez.
While this might at first sound like encouragement to use lots of emotional, flowery words to set the scene, Sanchez instead encourages “ruthless simplicity.”
She then points to Steve Jobs, whose Apple presentations used very few slides and stripped-down language to show how his vision of the future addressed society’s current problems. Needless to say, it worked.
Sanchez says that while it’s “tempting to play it cool, you should be a show-off,” adding, “People who win in life are not the ones in the shadows.”
She also points out that plenty of political figures and business moguls are successful almost exclusively because of their showmanship. However, that doesn’t mean piling on information to prove you know what you’re talking about. Instead, make your point with such simplicity that it makes “everyone else feel smart.”
“Go big and show, but default to the show being simple,” she explains. “Clarity beats cleverness every time.”
6. Not rehearsing
Just as elite athletes and artists dedicate intentional time to their craft, great speakers also invest hours in “deliberate practice.” This includes cutting unnecessary words, practicing pauses, and, perhaps most importantly, saying things out loud.
Sanchez warns that a lack of purposeful practice can lead to rambling, running out of time, panicking, and second-guessing ourselves.
7. Constant self-deprecation
This can be common among high performers as a way to seem “humble.” And to a certain extent, it works. But according to Sanchez, overusing it, especially with people who don’t know you well, can read as “insecurity disguised as humor.”
The pattern behind all these traps: fear
A man holds paper over his head. Photo credit: Canva
Whether it’s fear of rejection, being wrong, being judged, or not being liked, smart people tend to perceive these risks more acutely because they’re better able to recognize complexity.
It goes to show that “winning the room,” as Sanchez puts it, isn’t about knowing the most, but about “managing the perception” of others. We achieve this not by “predefending against every possible criticism,” nor by putting on “fake alpha energy,” but by communicating clearly and letting our ideas stand.
Before important conversations, Sanchez says to run through this checklist:
Am I hedging unnecessarily?
Am I overexplaining?
Am I rushing?
Am I overcomplicating?
Am I landing statements confidently?
Am I comfortable with silence?
While awareness of these things alone can improve your perceived competence “by 15–30%,” Sanchez notes that fixing one element each day and running through the talk out loud “can take you the rest of the way.”
And if this still feels too convoluted, focus on the “3 S’s Rule”: shorter, slower, stronger.
Focusing on speaking more slowly, using fewer filler words, and increasing conviction is more than enough to project authority and command a room. Again, practice incorporating just one of these elements each day.
You can find even more helpful tips like this by following the BigDeal by Codie Sanchez podcast on YouTube.
Are you ever in social situations where the conversation drags and you’re not sure what to do about it? Is it that the other person isn’t engaging, or is it that you’re not interesting? Social anxiety might have you questioning everything in these moments, but what if there were skills you could learn to make conversations more fun for everyone involved, including you?
Charisma on Commandshared a video on YouTube outlining five mistakes people make in conversations that make them seem boring, and five things to do instead that make them more fun to talk to.
The video offers specific examples from celebrity interviews for each of these mistakes and fixes, but here’s the gist:
Mistake #1: Energy ducking
“Energy ducking is when you come into a conversation with low enthusiasm to avoid standing out,” the video states. “The problem is when you make your main focus not standing out, you avoid making a negative or positive impression.”
In other words, you’re bringing nothing fun to the conversation, and most people want to have fun when they talk to others.
Be the first to add playfulness to the conversation. Photo credit: Canva
Trick #1: Be playful
It’s not like you need a super interesting life or amazing stories to make a conversation engaging. You just need to bring a sense of playfulness to it.
“By far the easiest way to initiate playfulness in your life is after you’ve been asked a question,” the video says. “To do so, just answer with an absurd, non-literal answer.”
That doesn’t mean you won’t eventually answer the person’s question.
“It’s just about setting a fun, playful tone first,” the video points out. “Another perk of being playful is it’s very likely that the other person will match you and be playful as well.”
Mistake #2: Assuming interest
If you’ve ever been in a conversation where someone talks on and on about something you have no interest in, you know the urge to escape. Don’t assume people will share your interests or enjoy your out-of-context stories.
Create interest in a story before telling it. Photo credit: Canva
Trick #2: Create interest with a “story gap”
“A story gap is when you build interest in a story by hinting at how it ends without spoiling the punchline,” the video states.
One example the video shares is when comedian Kevin Hart was asked about his relationship with basketball legend Michael Jordan. He responded, “I’ve run into Mike a couple of times. Mike still might be mad at me. True story.”
Now we know something happened between Kevin and Mike that ticked Mike off, but we don’t know what. That piques our interest in hearing the story, because we know enough about the ending to want the details.
Mistake #3: Giving bland, short answers
“If you regularly find conversation stalls after you’ve been asked a question, you may be giving bland one- to five-word answers,” the video states. “A bland answer doesn’t set the other person up with anything to say back…short answers put the conversational pressure on the other person. Now they have to carry the conversation or else let it fall into awkward silence.”
Expanding on simple answers makes for better conversation. Photo credit: Canva
Trick #3: Share enough to make the conversation easy for the other person
This doesn’t mean you should ramble on and on in your answers. Rather than answering in the briefest way possible, add a little detail.
For example, let’s say someone asks where you’re from. You might say, “Chicago,” or even, “I grew up in Chicago.” But that doesn’t give much. You could instead say, “I grew up on the north side of Chicago in an area called Rogers Park. It was an interesting place, because Rogers Park is on the lower end of the socioeconomic spectrum, but just north of it are very wealthy suburbs. That made it a pretty interesting place to grow up.”
An answer like that gives the person a lot to respond to.
Mistake #4: Asking the same boring, default questions
Asking questions is a great way to engage in conversation, but not all questions are created equal. “Where are you from?” is fine, but most people have been asked that a million times.
asking good questions is fun. answering good questions is fun. when both people are having fun, the conversation gets very good. we all enjoy being prompted. you can penetrate to someone’s deepest essence by asking attentive questions, by tugging loose threads they reveal to you.
Trick #4: Ask something that the other person will be excited to answer
It takes more thought to come up with interesting questions, so watching people who are masters at it can help. Examples from the video come largely from Sean Evans, the host of Hot Ones. While his celebrity guests eat wings with increasingly spicy hot sauce, he asks questions about their lives and careers.
“He specifically focuses on asking questions about his guests’ passions or that let them reflect on things they’re proud of,” the video points out. “He also avoids the questions they’ve likely been asked a hundred times in interviews before. And you can see the reactions it gets him.”
A helpful tip for this trick, especially if you don’t know much about the person, is to ask hypothetical questions: “If you had to give away a million dollars tomorrow, who would you give it to?” or “If you had total power over the Internet, what’s the first thing you’d change about it?”
Mistake #5: Being a passive listener
Passive listeners listen but don’t react. That can make a conversation feel really boring, even when you aren’t saying anything. People want to feel that the other person is an active participant in the conversation, even when they’re not talking.
Mirroring is one of my favorite nonverbal cues, it’s a great way to build instant connection. Try subtle mirrors to show warmth and understanding next time you’re in conversation! @MasterClass#MasterClasspic.twitter.com/eXHkEFFHzE
There are actually two tricks to fix the passive listening problem. One is to mirror the person speaking by reflecting their behavior or repeating something they said. For instance, if they’re nodding while telling a story, you can nod along. If they tell you they dropped their phone in a snowbank, you might respond, “In a snowbank? No!”
Laughter can also be a great way to show interest and bring fun into a conversation. Get comfortable laughing when you genuinely find something funny.
“It’s important to note here the goal is not to fake laugh,” the video states. “Instead, you want to cultivate the ability to laugh freely whenever you do find something funny, rather than censor your laughter like most people do, limiting it to a quick chuckle or even just an exhale.”
Conversation skills come as second nature to some people while others have to consciously hone them. The good news is you don’t have to implement all of these tricks in every conversation. Try focusing on one or two that feel most doable for you and see if they help make conversing a more enjoyable experience.
We’ve all been guilty of procrastinating before, but some people tend to do it far more than others. Research indicates that about 20% of adults can be considered “chronic procrastinators,” and it’s an extremely tough mental loop to break.
Not only does procrastinating lead to worse outcomes at school, work, or in creative projects, it can also be highly damaging to a person’s psyche. Regular procrastination fuels intense feelings of shame, guilt, and even major depression.
Luckily, there are all kinds of tricks, hacks, and mental games people can use to help defeat procrastination. However, many of them are Band-Aids at best and don’t address the fear, anxiety, stress, and overwhelm that are often at the root of so-called laziness and task avoidance.
One recent study wanted to test a potential “cure” for procrastination: self-forgiveness.
A team of researchers from Carleton University set out to determine whether there was a link between “forgiving the self for a specific instance of procrastination and procrastination on that same task in the future.”
In other words, does mentally beating yourself up after feeling lazy help you do better next time, or is it more effective to give yourself grace?
The method was simple. Researchers recruited 119 first-year university students enrolled in an introductory psychology course, knowing, of course, that students are exceptional candidates for studying procrastination.
It’s easy to find students who are behind on their studies. Photo credit: Canva
Students were polled after an exam in the class on a variety of self-reported factors, including whether they procrastinated studying and how they felt about their overall performance. They were polled again after a second exam.
In the end, the results revealed that students who reported high levels of self-forgiveness for procrastinating on their studying for the first exam were less likely to repeat the same mistake on the second exam.
“Negative affect”
The team determined that a big reason self-forgiveness was important is that it reduced something called “negative affect,” a psychology term that refers to a bundle of unpleasurable feelings like anxiety, anger, sadness, and guilt.
What mattered in whether a person would stop procrastinating in the future was that they rid themselves of those negative feelings. Forgiving themselves for procrastinating the first time helped immensely.
We’ve learned a lot about procrastination in recent years. What was once considered laziness is now better understood as a diabolical cocktail of overwhelm, anxiety, fear, and even childhood trauma. That’s why so much advice about procrastination is outdated.
Marla Cummins, a productivity coach, writes that using force or authoritarian self-talk like “I have to get this done” used to be commonplace but simply doesn’t work.
A research review from 2023 found that self-compassion is far more effective than self-criticism at motivating positive change, further reinforcing the findings from the Carleton University study. Methods that ease those negative feelings and break the cycle of negative self-talk are key to stopping procrastination, or at least doing it less often, in the future.
As a human, you are almost guaranteed to procrastinate on something important in your life sometime in the near future. The key to not letting it become a chronic problem may be to forgive yourself for the slip-up and refuse to carry those negative feelings of shame and guilt into your next opportunity.
LaShonda Adams, who runs the TikTok page “I Am Chronicles of Mrs. Adams,” found herself becoming the primary caregiver for her husband after a medical emergency nearly caused her to lose him.
When a young couple says their wedding vows, they’re not thinking much about the “sickness” part. Typically in that moment, both parties are presumably healthy and an illness changing things feels like a distant possibility, not an inevitability.
Adams recently uploaded a video of herself explaining to her 48-year-old husband how he knows her. He appears confused, and Adams soon reveals why.
A couple looks at a shopping list. Photo credit: Canva
“What you’re going through is called sundowning,” Adams says gently to her husband. “It’s where you go through this space where you don’t understand, and then you get in this very confused state where you don’t understand what’s going on or where you are, or who’s around you.”
Forty-eight is young for a dementia diagnosis, but after a massive heart attack, he received life-changing news. He was without oxygen to his brain for more than 20 minutes. This form of dementia is typically not associated with the elderly. The once-vibrant man is experiencing vascular dementia.
According to the Alzheimer’s Association, “Vascular dementia is a decline in thinking skills caused by conditions that block or reduce blood flow to various regions of the brain, depriving them of oxygen and nutrients.”
The diagnosis appears to have occurred within the past two years, based on older videos. She displays a lot of patience and grace, which is melting the hearts of viewers.
“I’m your wife. Those are your kids, and you’re at home,” Adams says calmly. “You had a heart attack, baby, and you lost oxygen to the brain. When you lost oxygen to the brain, it made you lose your memory of 24 years, okay? So sometimes you remember me, sometimes you don’t. You’re having a moment. You’re going to be alright.”
He then asks her name, and she quietly responds. After clarifying that he no longer works, his wife explains that he’s off right now due to his disability. “This is the first time I’m hearing anything,” he says. “I’ve been here all day. Nobody said nothing.”
Adams reassures him that she reminds him daily, but he insists this is his first time waking up in someone else’s house. She responds with patience:
“Well, I’m here. I’m your wife, and I love you. I’m going to take care of you and make sure that you get cared for, okay? Alright? And any questions you have, or anything you want to know, I’m here to answer. Alright? We have pictures, we have memories that I can show you to kind of help.”
The Day I became Mrs.Adams The day I vowed to love for better ,for worse ,for rich ,for poor, in sickness and health ,to cherish and love til death do us part ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
Mr. Adams doesn’t remember anything past the age of 24 at any given moment, but it appears his memory is most impaired when the sun starts going down. Some viewers have compared it to the movie 50 First Dates, in which Drew Barrymore plays the love interest of Adam Sandler, who eventually realizes she has amnesia.
One person writes, “50 First Dates in real life.”
Another praises the wife’s care, saying, “Dementia nurse here. You’re doing amazing!!!!”
A couple celebrates with champagne. Photo credit: Canva
For others, the heartwarming interaction hit close to home. One person shares, “I’m early stages of Cardiovascular Dementia and sometimes, I experience these moments and it’s scary. Your voice is very calm and you’re doing an awesome job caring for your husband. God Bless You.”
One devoted daughter shares, “My Dad has dementia.. one day I helped him look for me until he said ‘there you are, pickle head. i was calling you!’ I cried myself to sleep that night after I put him to bed. You’re doing so great, Sis!! keep loving him the way you do. it keeps em grounded just a little longer at a time.”
“Dementia will break your heart, over and over again,” someone else says. “Your strength gives him peace. I hear it, I see it. He feels it.”
Another professional praises her approach, writing, “Memory Care Director here. While I absolutely think this is so unfair for him to go through this as such a young age. Dementia is the absolute worst. You are doing such an amazing job. The calm voice is needed, especially at sundowners time. Stay so strong.”
A familiar misstep people make when trying to be likable is trying to impress others. They want to show they are funny, intelligent, and a great storyteller. They think being the life of the party is the road to likability. However, study after study shows that it’s a lot easier to be likable. All you have to do is show interest in others. To put it simply: If you like people, you will become more likable.
There’s a slight wrinkle in the notion that liking more people makes you more likable. Many people you like aren’t sure that you like them. The psychological phenomenon known as signal amplification bias says it best. We tend to overestimate how clearly we broadcast our feelings and intentions towards others. So, the person we like and who likes us may not know the feeling is mutual.
“We think our signals are obvious,” Vanessa Van Edwards told Steve Bartlett on the Diary of a CEO podcast. “If we like someone or if we’re having a good time, we think, ‘Oh, they for sure know it.’ They don’t.” Van Edwards is a communications expert and the author of Captivate: The Science of Succeeding with People.
To help people clearly communicate their feelings, Van Edwards suggests three “magic phrases” to show you care. Check out the video below.
“You think of a lot of people in your life all the time,” she said. “If you are thinking of someone and you can text them: ‘I was just thinking of you, how are you?’ I was just thinking of you, how’d that project go?’ was just thinking of you. It has been a while since we talked.’ You see a movie, you see a documentary, you see a matcha latte, you see a mug, you see a ceramic candle, and you’re like, ‘Ah, this made me think of you,’” Van Edwards said. “My text messages, my conversations, are full of actual moments where I was triggered to think of that person, actually,” she said, noting the importance of being genuine. “If you don’t think of someone, they’re not a person you need to have in your life.”
Phrase 2: ‘You’re always so …’
“So if you’re with someone and you’re impressed by them or they’re interesting or they’re funny, say, ‘You always make me laugh. You’re always so interesting,’ or ‘You’re always so great in interviews.’ Giving them a label that is a positive label is the best gift you can give someone, because it’s fighting that signal amplification bias,” she continued.
Phrase 3: ‘Last time we talked, you mentioned …’
“We are so honored when we get brain space—that you remembered and you’re going to bring it up,” she said. “And you specifically bring up something that they lit up with, something they were like, ‘Ah, it was great, it was exciting, it was wonderful.’”
If studies show the more you like other people, the more likable you become, Van Edwards has the next logical step in becoming more likable. She makes it clear that, due to signal amplification bias, many people you like may not even know it. When we employ her three ways to be more likeable, though, we can let people know we like them without making them feel uncomfortable, thus establishing bond to build on.
This article originally appeared last year. It has been updated.
So often, we equate intelligence with standardized testing, or say, degrees or rank in a graduating class. The person who has a 4.0 GPA and high SAT score probably is pretty book-smart. And sure, various amounts of degrees do imply that most likely they’ve had a lot of education.
But there is another measure of intelligence that is often overlooked: the ability to be wrong. A doctor named Emma Jones, MD (self-described hospice doctor and “burnout coach”) has recently gone viral on social media for a video wherein she talks about intelligence. The clip is entitled “Here’s how you know someone is highly intelligent.” In just a couple of minutes, she lays out ways you can easily spot someone who is ultra-bright.
Quoting Oscar Wilde, she says, “Consistency is the last refuge of the unimaginative.” She then explains that he meant, “highly intelligent people know how to change their minds.”
Here’s where the phrases of (most likely) highly intelligent people come in. She says to listen for sentences like:
“I used to think…”
“That’s a good point.”
“Let me reconsider.”
“I’ve changed my mind.”
She adds, “Most people double down to protect their ego. But intelligent people update their beliefs. They get more curious instead of more defensive. And they ask things like ‘what am I missing?’ instead of trying to win an argument. They don’t tie their identity to being ‘right.’ And they treat being wrong like data, not humiliation.”
She also quotes Albert Einstein, who once said, “The measure of intelligence is the ability to change.” She notes that the “real flex” is being able to have your mind changed “without shame.”
The comments, and there are thousands in just a short amount of time, support the notion. One (somewhat sarcastically) writes, “So in other words, you’re saying that intelligence correlates with a combination of critical thinking skills and the humility to know that oneself doesn’t know everything?”
Another jokes, “I used to say that my ‘need to be right’ is so strong that if someone shows me a better path, or shows me that my thinking is off, I will quickly recalibrate and change my mind so I can be ‘right’ again.” Jones responds to this: “That is quite a strong and intelligent reframe.”
Another Instagrammer backs it up with a book they love, writing, “One of the best books I have ever read is called But What If We’re Wrong by Chuck Klosterman. I base most of my life on the assumption that some part of the system is built on inherently incorrect information. It makes it easier to be flexible and make connections to other information that may have otherwise been missed.”
But, of course, admitting there’s usually room for debate and the ability to change one’s mind is just one of many signs someone is intelligent. Writer and reviewer Jordan Cooper shared his subtle signs someone might be intelligent in an article for VegOut.
Among eight examples, his first is “talking to yourself out loud,” which I mentioned in a recent Upworthyarticle. He adds, “A 2012 study in the Quarterly Journal of Experimental Psychology showed that talking out loud can actually improve focus and object recognition. Why? Because verbalizing engages additional sensory channels. When you speak your thoughts aloud, you’re not just thinking—you’re hearing yourself think, which reinforces memory and decision-making. Einstein did it. So do a ton of high-performers who swear by this trick for brainstorming, debugging their code, or preparing for presentations.”
Other examples, some of which have also been pointed out on Upworthyover the years, are: “zoning out,” “being sensitive to noise, light or texture,” “having messy handwriting,” “swearing a lot,” and to the earlier point, “doubting your intelligence constantly.” (In other words, staying open to being wrong.)
So, while having good grades and a plethora of degrees is excellent, always being open to learning and changing course adds a layer to any good mind.
This article originally appeared last year. It has been updated.
What makes a ‘good person’ is hard to quantify, but sometimes, you just know it when you see it. But that’s the problem, you can’t always see it. Have you ever met somebody new and wondered if they were a good person with a mischievous streak or a bad person who can turn on the charm and behave occasionally? Determining someone’s true moral character is important, especially if you start dating them or have a business relationship. It is crucial to get to the core of who they are and know whether they can be trusted.
Popular TikTok philosopher and Substack writer Juan de Medeiros recently shared a great way to determine whether someone is good or bad. His rubric for judging someone’s moral character comes from a quote commonly attributed to Johann Wolfgang von Goethe, a German poet, playwright, novelist, and intellectual known for works like Faust and The Sorrows of Young Werther.
How can you tell if someone is a good or a bad person?
“Here’s a pretty good indicator that somebody is a bad person and vice versa, how you can spot a good one. And this goes back to a simple rule, a moral aphorism by Goethe in which he writes, ‘Never trust someone who is unkind to those who can do nothing for him,’” de Medeiros shared in a TikTok video with over 45,000 views.
“Never trust someone who is unkind to those who can do nothing for him.” —Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
De Medeiros then provided real-world ways to determine whether the person you have questions about is good or bad. “A bad person is unfriendly to strangers, to the elderly, to children, to service staff, to anybody they’re not trying to impress,” he said. At the same time, the good person treats people equally, no matter what they can do for him. They’re good for goodness sake, not to get anything out of it.
“A good person carries grace within them and shares it freely with abundance. A good person treats other people as they would like to be treated as well. And it doesn’t matter who you are, it doesn’t matter what your status is, they will treat you and see you as their equal,” de Medeiros said.
an instant green flag was when my current bf took me to a restaurant n the waiter brought us our food but had clearly forgotten about his drink and bc he didn't want her to feel bad he went "hey sorry I forgot earlier but could I also have a glass of water with my *drink name*?"
Goethe’s quote echoes the common red/green flag test that many people have on dates. Sure, it’s important if your date is courteous and treats you well on the date, but you really want to watch how they interact with the server. The rule is often called “The Waiter Rule,” outlined by William Swanson. Swanson, the former chairman and CEO of Raytheon Company, wrote in his book, 33 Unwritten Rules of Management, “A person who is nice to you but rude to the waiter—or to others—is not a nice person.” Boxer Muhammad Ali is also known for saying something similar: “I don’t trust anyone who’s nice to me but rude to the waiter. Because they would treat me the same way if I were in that position.”
'I don't trust anyone who's nice to me but rude to the waiter. Because they would treat me the same way if I were in that position.'
— The Loneliest Sport (@LoneliestSport) April 5, 2023
Rudeness toward the waitstaff also indicates that the person isn’t very smart. It’s not wise to be rude to someone who is in charge of your meal for the night.
Conversely, a good person is kind to others without looking for anything in return because they want to spread joy and believe that others deserve respect. You are what you do, not what you think or believe, and when someone treats others with goodness, it’s a clear indicator of the type of person they are.
In the end, we are all a mixed bag of behaviors and attitudes, and even the most perfect of us has a devil on their shoulder telling them that it’s okay to occasionally get into a bit of mischief. However, when it comes down to determining someone’s core character, how they treat those who can do nothing for them says everything.
This article originally appeared last year. It has been updated.
