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Joy

What would you say if you could truly converse with your pet? People's answers are so wholesome.

Time for a smile break.

what tail wags mean, different cat purrs, if pets could talk
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"Are you hungry? Do you want outside? WHAT DOES IT MEAN?"

As loving pet owners, we do our best to become highly skilled animal translators. We know that not all meows are created equal. We can sense the difference between a happy tail wag and an anxious one. But still, what if we could just have a conversation with our beloved beasties? What would they say? And what would we ask them?

communicating with pets"Why are they looking at us like that? I know we're cute and all, but..." Photo by Louis-Philippe Poitras on Unsplash

In a since-deleted Reddit post, someone posed this very question. The Reddit user asked:

“You're gifted 24 straight hours where you and your pet are suddenly able to understand each other…What would you want to tell them?”

There were hundreds of responses. Some were lighthearted, like kindly asking to not throw up on the carpet or requesting explanation for [insert odd behavior here]. Others seemed eager to reassure their pets that yes, the vet really is a safe place to be, and no, leaving the house doesn’t mean they’ll be gone forever.

Despite the myriad answers, one theme prevailed: love. For the most part, pet owners have immense fondness for their fur babies, and really do want to provide the best life possible for them. We might not be able to use actual words (doesn’t stop us from using the baby voice though) but we humans will never stop finding different ways to thank our animals for filling our hearts with so much joy.

Enjoy 14 of the funniest, most heartwarming and all around smile-inducing answers:

“I would tell our cat how much we love him and how lovable he is. I would tell him that I value every second with him. I would tell him that we don't let him outside because he has a medical condition not because we choose not to let him outside. I would tell him that we disappear all day, most days, because we have to to earn our keep not because we want to…I would ask him if he is okay and happy, whether he feels well, whether he's in pain at all, what we could do to make him happier. I would stroke and cuddle him the whole time.” -@fishfingerchipbean

“I would reassure my dog that the people walking in the street aren't going to hurt us. Delivery drivers are not evil. The people at the vet are very nice and will never hurt you. They help keep you healthy.” -@FluffySharkBird

“I would profusely apologize for ever stomping on their tails and swear on my mother's life it was always an accident.” -@gudbote

“Talk about dog life and how it’s like…what do they do when left unsupervised, and maybe go on a walk and talk about anything and everything.” -@SecurityCrisis141


“I would love to know what they dream about.” -@Dry-Explanation-9464

what cats think, what dogs think

Dreaming about a utopia of nothing but amazon boxes.

Photo by Aleksandar Cvetanovic on Unsplash

“I think my cat would absolutely ROAST me first for 24 hours.” -@StraberryBob69

“Please let me know how to be a better friend to you because you deserve everything.” -@boywithtwoarms

“I'd ask him about what his life was like before he was picked up by the shelter (he was a stray when they found him). I'd also tell him how proud I am of him learning new things. I'd reassure him that he doesn't need to feel anxious or afraid when he sees other dogs on our walk (he's leash reactive, we're working on it).” -@makuniverse

ask reddit pets

"Will you love me forever?"

Photo by Madeline Bowen on Unsplash

“I'd ask them for their preferences on literally everything. What do they want to eat? What litter do they like? What toys, if any, do they actually enjoy playing with, and how can I make playtime with them more enjoyable? Which nap space is the best? Is the water fountain ever going to get used again, or should I just stick to cups of water laid out on the kitchen floor for them to pick from? Do they enjoy cuddle time at all (or, maybe for my own selfish sake, can i at least get SOME on occasion)?” -@in_the_low_life

“Why do you beg for treats, then sometimes don't even eat them but line them up on your bed in a certain order? And did you really eat that whole chicken, bones and all?” -@Lucinnda

“What’s up with the food thing? Today you love chicken pate and tomorrow it’s poison? WTF?” -Expensive_Ferret-339

if pets could talk

"Hm. No. Ask me again tomorrow."

Photo by Piotr Musioł on Unsplash

“If you need to throw up please get off the bed. Better yet, get on the tile. Love you. Thanks for never scratching the kids when they're being crazy.” -@Likeomgitscrystal

“I love you so much and I would literally die for you, Oh and why do you get zoomies everyday and bite me everytime!!!!!” -@curator_557

“Tbh I would just love to hear her tell stories of her favorite memories from her point of view. Maybe I'd tell her mine too. I really would just like to catch up like old friends lol. Also I would want to tell her that even though we go away on vacation sometimes I hope she knows that we'll always come back because we love her and we miss her lots while we're away.” -@Vanilla_Chinchilla96

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Animals & Wildlife

6th grader's science experiment answers, 'Do cat buttholes touch every surface they sit on?'

A question no one knew they needed answered.

Photo courtesy of Kerry Hyde

Do cat buttholes touch every surface they sit on? Science answers.

Cat owners sometimes have unique questions that even Google doesn't always have the answer to. This is probably the sole reason cat forums exist, but one kid who needed a 6th grade science project decided to skip the cat forums for answers and instead use the scientific method. Kaeden Henry, a sixth grader living in Florida, bravely pondered a question few (if any one) has been brave enough to ask: do cat buttholes touch every surface they sit on?

Since cats do whatever the heck they want, training them not to jump on kitchen counters is a feat even Hercules struggles to complete. These fierce felines don't care if you're cooking dinner or trying to get comfy in bed. If they want to sit somewhere, they're going to do it. The thought of cat butts on that expensive Serta pillow designed to feel like you're sleeping on a cloud can gross people out, but thanks to Kaeden, you no longer have to wonder if the butthole itself is also making contact.

Courtesy of Kerry Hyde

The curious sixth grader is homeschooled and well-versed in the scientific method thanks to her mother's PhD in animal behavior with a concentration in feline behavior. And, since they own cats, the science experiment was pretty straightforward (and directly impactful).

To complete the experiment, Henry and his mom, Kerry Hyde, bought non-toxic lipstick and applied it to each of their cat's anuses. Then, the cats were given commands.

Courtesy of Kerry Hyde

"Non-toxic lipstick was applied to their bum-bums, they were then given a series of commands (sit, wait, lie down, and jump up. Side note: Both cats have been trained since kittenhood with a variety of commands, they also know how to high-five, spin around, and speak.), they were compensated with lots of praise, pets, and their favorite treats, and the lipstick was removed with a baby wipe once we collected our data in just under 10 minutes," Hyde wrote in a Facebook post.

The results? Turns out that, no, cat buttholes do not touch every surface cats sit on. Now, let's all take a collective sigh of relief while we go over the details. Kaeden's experiment covered long-haired, short-haired, and medium-haired cats (if your cat is hairless, you better stock up on Clorox wipes just in case).

"His results and general findings: Long and medium haired cat’s buttholes made NO contact with soft or hard surfaces at all. Short haired cats made NO contact on hard surfaces. But we did see evidence of a slight smear on the soft bedding surface. Conclusion, if you have a short haired cat and they may be lying on a pile of laundry, an unmade bed, or other soft uneven surface, then their butthole MAY touch those surfaces!" Hyde shares.

Now every curious cat owner can rest easy knowing that as long as their cat has hair, their bare bottom balloon knot is not touching the majority of surfaces in their home.

Courtesy of Kerry Hyde

The amusing experiment caught the Internet's attention. People laughed and commented, with one person writing, "This is probably the most useful information I’ve learned from a science fair project."

"Good to know!...I can now eat my sandwich left on the counter with confidence!" another writes.

Courtesy of Kerry Hyde

"A+++!!! Whew!! I am very grateful for your sciencing on this subject. My fears from walking in on my cat sitting on my laptop keyboard and subsequently being grossed out and cleaning furiously in a hyper-ocd manner have been somewhat allayed and now maybe I won’t have to use QUIIITE so many wipes." someone chimes in.

"Finally.. Someone answers the important questions!!"

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Humor

Teacher earns 'school dad' label from his female students, shares funny realities of dad-duty

"When you have over 50 daughters..."

Berhanu Dallas/YouTube

Teacher Berhanu Dallas shares funny video about being a "school dad" to students.

Teachers wear many hats besides 'educator.' For high school teacher Berhanu Dallas (@_b.dallas) at Forest Park High School in Clayton County, Georgia, stepping up and into the role of "school dad" for many of his female students has been his most interesting hat so far.

Mr. Dallas, who refers to himself as "more than a teacher," shared the hilarious realities of what it takes to be a father figure to the ladies in his classes. From dealing with boyfriends, breakups, bad hair days, and more, it's a role filled with duties he never realized he would have.

"When you have over 50 daughters...," he captioned the video. It begins with one of his students bringing her new boyfriend into his classroom for him to meet, and he immediately tells her, "Try again."

@_b.dallas

When you have over 50 daughters...#trending #atlanta #fyp #highschool #teachersoftiktok #morethanateacher #drdrip #teacherlife

In the next clip, another student comes to talk with him at his desk, complaining to him that her boyfriend didn't get her anything for her birthday. Without even looking up, Mr. Dallas hands her a Stanley-esque water bottle that has a shiny red bow attached. (As a "student dad" he is always prepared with gifts when others fumble.)

The video cuts to another student grooving behind Mr. Dallas, as he holds up a sign that says 'Please Forgive Her,' with a broken heart in the lower right corner. He says to the camera, "Please take her back." (As a "student dad," he's there to help his students with their love lives.)

@_b.dallas

Who remembers these days? #morethanateacher #teacherlife #teachersoftiktok #teacherfunny #trending #highschool #fyp #claytoncounty #drdrip #relationshipgoals #breakup

In the next funny clip, the same girl who brought her boyfriend in the first scene is back with another boy for him to approve of, asking Mr. Dallas, "What about this one?" He gives a one-word response, "Nope." Then, in a quick shot, Mr. Dallas is seen handing some money to a student in need, before another student walks into his room with a tummy-bearing top. He immediately tells her, "No ma'am, put some clothes on!"

As if the bit couldn't get funnier, the same student from previous clips wrangles up another boy to bring to Mr. Dallas, asking him, "What about him?" Mr. Dallas quips, "Uh-uh." She even comes back a fourth time, and Mr. Dallas is not having it.

@_b.dallas

They really like this, and we love it! #morethanateacher #teacherlife #teachersoftiktok #teacherfunny #trending #highschool #fyp #trending #drdrip

When another students tells him that she is "having a really bad day," he's got a bouquet of roses ready to go in his desk for her. And when another begs him for help because she needs her hair done, he's prepared: he pulls out a wig from his desk drawer and hands it to her. In a final hilarious scene, a teary-eyed student shares that she was broken up with–and Mr. Dallas has a belt in his hand as he asks her, "Where is he?"

Although they can be demanding, test his patience, and bleed him dry of funds–he wouldn't have it any other way. Mr. Dallas has gained a following on social media for his funny, day-in-the-life videos that have shown his care and investment for all of his students.

- YouTubewww.youtube.com

Earlier this year, he appeared on The Jennifer Hudson Show to share more about what his teaching experience has been like. He explained that he has been teaching for eight years, but he hated it at the beginning.

"When I first started teaching, I went in with an iron fist," he told Hudson. It was a method that didn't work, adding that many of his students come from difficult backgrounds and trauma. He felt disconnected from his students, until tragedy struck in his own life: his wife of 10 years passed away two years ago. It changed his perspective. "Now I'm in their shoes. I need someone to talk to. I need someone to understand me. So now I understood where they were," he said.

He decided to be "more than a teacher." He started sharing more about himself with his students: his kids, his hobbies, and who he was outside the classroom. On his classroom door, he shares an important message: "When you enter you are able. You are smart. You are loved. You are great. You are why I am here! Be exceptional."

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Science

Innovative farm in Virginia can grow 4 million pounds of strawberries on less than one acre

This method uses 97 percent less land and up to 90 percent less water than conventional farming.

Photo credit: Canva

A new way to grow strawberries with less land, less water, and more berries.

Strawberry farm harvests aren't something most of us calculate on a regular basis (or ever at all), but the numbers from a strawberry farm in Richmond, Virginia, are staggering enough to make it worth an old-school word problem. If the average American eats 8 pounds of strawberries a year, and an average strawberry farm yields approximately 20,000 pounds of berries per acre, how many people could a 200-acre strawberry field feed?

I won't make you do the math. The answer is 500,000 people. But what if a crop that size, providing enough strawberries for half a million people, could be grown on just one acre instead of 200? It's possible. You just have to go—or rather grow—up, up, up.

Indoor vertical farm company Plenty Unlimited knows a lot about growing up. In fact, it's their entire business model. Instead of the sprawling fields that traditional farming methods require, vertical farms have a much smaller land footprint, utilizing proprietary towers for growing. Plenty has used vertical farming methods to grow greens such as lettuce, kale, spinach and more for years, but now it boasts a vertical berry farm that can yield a whopping 4 million pounds of strawberries on a little less than an acre.

Growing indoors means not being at the mercy of weather or climate inpredictability (barring a storm taking out your building), which is wise in the era of climate change. Unlike a traditional greenhouse which still uses the sun for light, Plenty's indoor vertical farms make use of the latest technology and research on light, pinpointing the wavelengths plants need from the sun to thrive and recreating them with LED lights. Plenty farms also don't use soil, as what plants really need is water and nutrients, which can be provided without soil (and with a lot less water than soil requires). Being able to carefully control water and nutrients means you can more easily control the size, taste and uniformity of the berries you’re growing.

If that sounds like a lot of control, it is. And that idea might freak people out. But when a highly controlled environment means not having to use pesticides and using up to 90% less water than traditional farming, it starts to sound like a solid, sustainable farming innovation.

Plenty even uses AI in its strawberry farm, according to its website:

“Every element of the Plenty Richmond Farm–including temperature, light and humidity–is precisely controlled through proprietary software to create the perfect environment for the strawberry plants to thrive. The farm uses AI to analyze more than 10 million data points each day across its 12 grow rooms, adapting each grow room’s environment to the evolving needs of the plants – creating the perfect environment for Driscoll’s proprietary plants to thrive and optimizing the strawberries’ flavor, texture and size.”

Plenty even has its own patent-pending method of pollinating the strawberry flowers that doesn’t require bees. Even just the fact that this enormous crop of strawberries will be coming from Virginia is notable, since the vast majority of strawberries in the U.S. are grown in California.

strawberry fieldTraditional strawberry farming takes up a lot of land.Photo credit: Canva

Plenty's Richmond farm is currently growing strawberries exclusively for Driscoll’s.

“Partnering with Plenty for the launch of the Richmond Farm allows us to bring our premium strawberries closer to consumers in the Northeast, the largest berry consumption region in the U.S.,” Driscoll’s CEO Soren Bjorn said in a press release. “By combining our 100 years of farming expertise and proprietary varieties along with Plenty’s cutting-edge technology, we can deliver the same consistent flavor and quality our customers love — now grown locally. This new innovative farm is a powerful step forward in continuing to drive category growth in new ways for our customers and consumers.”

Is Plenty’s model the farm of the future? Perhaps it’s one option, at least. The more we grapple with the impact of climate change and outdated, unsustainable farming practices, the more innovative ideas we’ll need to feed the masses. If they can get 4 million pounds of strawberries out of an acre of land, what else is possible?

This article originally appeared in February

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Community

Fiercely hilarious exchange finally settles the debate over how to split the check with friends

Why should I pay for your lobster?

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A woman side-eyes a bill from a restaurant.

Picture this. You're at dinner with a bunch of friends. You're not super hungry and a little strapped for cash, so you order a small Caesar salad and one beer. The check comes and your friend (we'll call her Wanda) says, "Okay everyone, let's just splitsies. That's 100 dollars per person. Venmo is fine."

If I had a dime for every time this happened to me, I'd be rich enough to actually pay for other people's filet mignon. It's especially annoying when that "one person" (looking at you, Wanda) orders ten appetizers for the table and you find yourself with one forkful of roasted cauliflower but are still expected to absorb that into your portion of the bill. And apparently, I'm not alone in this quandary. The "how should the bill be split?" question has re-emerged as one of the most fierce debates online, and folks have a lot of opinions.

- YouTubewww.youtube.com

Over on the subreddit r/poor, an OP asks, "How to handle splitting dinner bill when others order expensive things?" They essentially elaborate that they would like advice on what to do if someone in your dinner party orders "expensive rib-eyes and wine" and then suggests evenly splitting the bill. "Any elegant ways to approach this?"

One commenter gets right to the point: "Pay for what you order. Plain and simple." But some argue it's not so plain and simple. This person claims you must get ahead of it: "Nah bro, before going to the place clarify that you're not splitting the bill, that everyone is paying for their own food. Then tell the server that you're doing separate checks."

- YouTubewww.youtube.com

A lot of waitstaff have complained, however, that they don't actually like the separate check option, as it's a huge, unnecessary hassle for the restaurant. So, barring that method, some actually say if you can't split the bill, "don't go out." That judgmental belief was met with this: "I've honestly never understood the greed and gluttony of some people. They want to split the bill, conveniently enough, when they've put the most on the tab. I've always found that the people with the least to give are the first to offer to pay or treat someone else. Those with the most money like taking advantage."

That Redditor also offered this advice: "If you can only afford your own meal, bring exact change or close to what you think it will be and throw that in when the bill comes."

TikTok user Lisa Beverly (lisabeverlyy) has an entire sketch about it. Playing both roles, she acts out the super relatable conversation between the one who orders everything and wants to split the bill, and the one who orders nothing and doesn't.

@lisabeverlyy

who’s in the right #pov #friends #besties #relatable

Experts are even weighing in. On YouTube, NPR put up this nifty video plugging theirLife Kit podcast called "The Social Etiquette of Splitting the Check." In it, they describe different scenarios and ways to combat the awkwardness when these situations arise. One suggestion is to "speak up," as "it can make people a little bit more conscious of the non-drinkers in the group."

She also brings up the "separate check" option, but notes that can be a "tough ask" if the group is super large.

- YouTubewww.youtube.com

If all else fails, and you find yourself unable to use these tactics, maybe YOU should be the one ordering the surf 'n' turf with a side of 60-year-old whiskey. Then, ask for a Venmo of 1,000 each, and you'll be set.

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Kindergartener tries to get out of going to school by leaving a voicemail imitating her dad

The school alerted her mom to the hilarious voicemail.

Photo credit: Canva

Kindergartener calls school impersonating dad to pull a Ferris Bueller.

Kindergarten is hard. Nowadays there's a lot less playing and many school districts have cut out naps and half-day programs in exchange for more seated, curriculum-heavy work. Sometimes the shift in workload can feel like a little too much, especially for a kindergartener named Lyric. The little girl decided to take a day to herself to reflect on the hard work she's doing in kindergarten. The only problem is she didn't her parents.

Instead, Lyric decided to call her elementary school the evening prior to her self-scheduled mini vacation and impersonate her father. She left a very clever voicemail in the attendance office informing them that she would not be attending school the following day. To disguise her voice, she spoke as deeply as possible and hoped that would do the trick. The only problem with her genius plan was that she's not in charge of taking herself to school.

gif, school, skipping school, day off, kidsEpisode 7 No School GIF by South ParkGiphy

Skipping school, or in this case, attempting to skip school is nothing new. Students have been skipping out on classes since the first school house was built because, even before iPads, playing with a ball in a cup was more exciting than classwork for most students. The 1986 movie Ferris Bueller's Day Off is all about a kid who decided to skip school, though Ferris was a wee bit older than a kindergartener.

Lyric's mom had no idea her daughter attempted to get out of going to school until she was called into the office about the voicemail. Surprisingly, though, Lyric's school wasn't upset with her. The elementary school officials found the voicemail amusing and wanted to share the unbelievable impersonation with her mom.

gif, skip school, day off, Ferris bueller, fiilm Ferris Buellers Day Off Film GIFGiphy

"I don't know what I did to deserve a daughter like mine but let me tell y'all what just happened," Tyonda, the girl's mother, starts to explain in her video uploaded to TikTok. "I go to drop her off at school, the ladies in the front office are like, 'yeah, we we received a message last night,." Tyonda already suspected the message was from her daughter. "I'm never amazed. It's like the element of surprise with her. So, they play the message back. My daughter tried to act like her daddy and call herself out of school. What in the Ferris Bueller is going on here? Baby, you're in kindergarten."

You can listen to Lyric's attempt at her dad's voice here:

@keepingupwityonda Help me!! #fypシ #viral #kidsoftiktok #kidsbelike #Capcut ♬ original sound - The only LaYonda Reann 💛

Apparently, the girl's impersonation of her father's voice is much deeper voice than his actual voice, which is pretty impressive for a six-year-old girl. People found Lyric's antics highly amusing, with some issuing warnings for the girl's teenage years, "Buckle up honey, the next 13-14 years bout to be wild."

"I’m expecting a teenager a KINDERGARTENER???!!!" one person writes.

"We need to hear daddy’s voice before we can say if it was or wasn’t him," another jokes.

gif, hide, imposter, joke, prank, funnySunglasses Hiding GIF by Soul TrainGiphy

"The thing is ..... this was practiced and planned. she had the number, the voice and a mission," someone shares.

"But wait yall have to drop her off at school where was she gonna go if that worked?" another commenter asks.

Lyric was unconvinced that she did not sound exactly like her dad. In a follow up video the little girl insists that she sounds like her father and reveals she was able to get the number to the school from Apple Maps on her iPad. It also seems that Lyric has zero regrets and plans to continue her shenanigans well into high school.

@keepingupwityonda

Replying to @itsshamitch💋

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