An open letter to men who will have sex with me but won’t date me
“It’s one thing if you’re not into fat women — everyone has their preferences — but if you want to have sex with us without being seen in public with us, that’s emotionally abusive.”
Many years before I got together with my boyfriend, I had a sex thing with this guy that I thought was relationship material.
He not only had an amazing body but a great personality as well. I was honest when I met him that I was looking for something more than just sex, and he led me to believe that was what he wanted, too.
Between mind-blowing sex sessions, we ordered in, played video games, and watched movies — couple things but without the label. But when I tried to get him to go to a show or out to dinner with me, he refused. My frustration grew as the months went on, and one day I confronted him.
“Why don’t we ever go anywhere?”
“We have everything we need here,” he answered while simultaneously distracting me by caressing my shoulder blades.
“We actually don’t,” I said. “I’m hungry, let’s check out that new Indian place around the corner.”
“No! We might run into one of my buddies,” he said, moving his body further away from me. The underlining meaning was clear — he couldn’t take the chance that someone he knew would see him with me.
He needed to keep our relationship on the DL so that no one would ever suspect that he enjoyed spending time with me — a fat woman.
He was super fit, so obviously that’s the kind of woman he wanted to be associated with, the kind he could be seen with at the Indian place.
When I realized he was ashamed of being seen with me, I felt as if I had been punched in the stomach — a place where much of my pain already resided.
To him, I was fuckable but not dateable. He dumped me soon after that conversation.
He did me a favor by not continuing to lead me on. Otherwise, I might still be trying to prove to him that I was worth any shit he might have gotten from other people. If I was still his secret shame, I might not have met my next boyfriend, so thanks, athletic asshole.
I had hoped that, in this age of body positivity, men would no longer need to hide their desires when it comes to fat women.
But I was wrong.
It’s just a sad fact: Many men who are sexually attracted to fat women are ashamed of it.
They’re OK with banging a fat girl, but they don’t want to hang out with her — someone might judge them for it.
It’s one thing if you’re not into fat women — everyone has their preferences, and not every body type appeals to everyone. But if you find larger women hot and you want to have sex with them without being associated in public with them, that’s emotionally abusive.
Everyone should have the freedom to express their desires openly (as long as there’s consent from both parties). If you modify your behavior and wants to what you think will protect you from criticism and/or ridicule, then you need help because that kind of self-loathing will only grow until it has destroyed you.
Don’t act like we’re in a relationship if all you really want is to experience what sex with a fat woman is like.
I’ll tell you what it’s like: It’s as amazing and fun as having sex with anyone who’s into having sex with you. We don’t have magic vaginas, and our breasts don’t do any special tricks — well besides the usual, like feed or comfort people.
Fat women are just as hot and sexually gifted as women of other shapes, sizes, and abilities. Being fat doesn’t mean we’re so hungry for attention that we’ll put our own needs aside and do whatever we can to rock your world.
If you’re with someone who doesn’t make you feel beautiful or who isn’t proud to have you on their arm, you need to dump their ass.
Being alone is far better than compromising on what you deserve or being made to feel as if you’re someone’s big dirty secret.
You’re not only dateable, you’re lovable and worthy of being treated with respect and love.
I regret not standing up for myself when I discovered the athletic guy was only using me for sex. But at least I learned, as we all should learn, that I’m responsible for being my biggest advocate and to never accepting anything less than what I need.
This article was written by Christine Schoenwald and originally appeared on 06.29.18
From Pakistan to Tanzania, the most effective education solutions are community-led. Here’s how local leaders, in partnership with Malala Fund and supported by Pura, are mobilizing entire communities.
When asked to describe what Tanzania smells like, Grace Isekore closes her eyes and breathes in deep. For a moment, she’s somewhere else entirely. Tanzania is a rich tapestry of sights and scents, from the smell of sea mist that permeates the coastline to the earthy cardamom and cloves she cooks with in her kitchen. But when Grace emerges from her reverie, her answer is unexpected.
“Tanzania smells like peace,” she says, her eyes still closed. “I see a beautiful country where we are free to move, free to speak. And there is peace within the community.”
For Grace, that sense of peace isn’t just something she smells; it’s something she works toward every day. As a project coordinator with Pastoral Women’s Council (PWC), a women-led organization that empowers pastoralist communities in northern Tanzania, she has seen firsthand how girls flourish when they have the opportunity to attend school. Like scent, education not only connects girls to their own culture, but also helps broaden their horizons, realizing new possibilities for themselves and others. That transformation reshapes entire communities and ripples outward, with the potential to change countries and transform the world for the better.
Different scents, different approaches, and communities driving change
Spices in Tanzania. Captured by James Roh for Pura
For Grace and others around the world, education is freedom, as well as a pathway to a stronger community. Rooted in that shared belief, Pura, a home fragrance company, was inspired to build on their four-year partnership with Malala Fund to create something truly unique: a fragrance collection that connects people through scent to communities in Tanzania, Nigeria, Pakistan, and Brazil, where barriers to girls’ education are among the highest.
Using ingredients from each region, the new Pura x Malala Fund Collection uses scent to transport people to these regions directly. “Future in Bloom,” for example, invokes Pakistan’s lush valleys through notes of jasmine, cedarwood, and mango; while Tanzania’s fragrance, “Heart on Fire,” evokes the spirit and joyfulness of the girls who live there through cardamom, lemon, and green tea.
The new Collection honors the work Malala Fund does every day, partnering with locally-led organizations in these four countries to ensure every girl can access and complete 12 years of education. Each scent celebrates the joy, tenacity, and courage of the women and girls driving change on the ground, while also augmenting Pura’s annual grant to Malala Fund by donating eight percent of net revenue from the Pura x Malala Fund Collection to Malala Fund directly.
Just as each country’s scent is unique, so too are their needs related to education. But with support from Malala Fund and Pura, local leaders are coming up with creative ways to mobilize entire communities (parents, teachers, elders, and the students themselves, in their pursuit of solutions, understanding that educating girls helps everyone thrive. Here’s how their efforts are creating real, durable impact in Tanzania and Pakistan, and creating a ripple effect that changes the world for the better.
Parent-teacher associations help Maasai girls and their communities in Tanzania problem-solve
A girl’s school in Tanzania. Captured by James Roh for Pura
Northern Tanzania, Grace’s home, is home to pastoralist communities like the Maasai, a nomadic people who have moved with the seasons to nurture the land and care for their livestock for centuries. The nomadic nature of this lifestyle creates significant and unique barriers to girls’ education. Longstanding gender roles have enabled Maasai to survive in the harsh environment and have placed great value on both women and men. Over time, as nomadic life has been threatened by the privatization of land and stationary education models have been implemented, the reality of pastoralist livelihood has shifted and introduced new complexities. Now, the sheer distance to schools is both a practical challenge and one that often comes with danger from the landscape, predators, and potential exposure to assault along the journey. Girls shoulder the responsibility of household chores and there is often cultural pressure around early marriage – both leading to boys’ education being prioritized over girls’.
“There are very, very good [pastoralist] cultural practices, which are passed from generation to generation,” says Janet Kimori, an English teacher at Lekule Girls Secondary School in Longido, Tanzania. But when cultural practices act as educational barriers, “you have to sit down and look for where you are going to assist. As a school, as an individual, the school administration—all of us will chip in and know how we are going to deal with this problem.”
PWC works to ensure girls are able to exercise their right to an education while also preserving pastoralist culture. One successful approach, the organization found, has been the formation of Parent Teacher Associations (PTAs), created with help from Malala Fund. In PTA meetings, students, parents, teachers, elders, and government officials meet, discuss educational barriers, and come up with community-led solutions that preserve and honor their culture while advancing educational outcomes.
PTA meeting in Tanzania. Captured by James Roh for Pura
One recent PTA meeting highlights how these community-led solutions are often the most effective. At Lekule Girls Secondary School, the lack of fresh water forces girls to walk long distances to collect water for the school’s kitchen during the school day, and these long journeys not only disrupt class time but can leave girls vulnerable to sexual assault in isolated areas. Through facilitated discussion, PTA members landed on a solution: installing a borehole to pipe in fresh water to the school. Reliable access to water creates a better learning environment for the girls, but it also benefits the community at large, as local governments are then more likely to invest in health clinics and other community resources nearby.
With a solution in place, the PTA was then able to discuss ideas and map out a course of action. The women would raise money for the cost of the borehole, while the men would recruit workers to dig the hole and lay the pipe. Together, they would ask government officials to match their investment.
The benefits of PTA meetings within the pastoralist communities are undeniable. “The girls are talking and addressing issues in a confident way, and parents feel they are part of the resource team to solve challenges happening at school,” Grace says. One unexpected benefit: The larger cultural impact these PTA meetings have created. Thanks to the success of PTAs within pastoralist communities, the models are now being endorsed on a national level, and schools across Tanzania are starting to use them to solve problems in their own communities. When a community creates opportunities for girls to learn, everyone benefits.
Safe spaces in rural Pakistan help students and their parents connect, then drive change
Safe space for girls meeting in Pakistan. Captured by Insiya Syed.
A continent away in Pakistan, the country’s northernmost region of Gilgit-Baltistan seems like a land untouched by time. The region’s looming mountains, snow-capped peaks, lush valleys and crystalline lakes draw nature lovers and landscape photographers from around the world, but living among this kind of breathtaking scenery has its drawbacks. Schools in the region are few and far between, and the area’s harsh climate often makes roads inaccessible for travel. Poverty and gender-based discrimination are additional obstacles, making school even further out of reach, and girls are affected disproportionately. Going up against these barriers requires a persistent, quiet strength that’s found in the women who live there and reflected in Pakistan’s signature scent.
Saheli Circles are how local leaders in Gilgit-Baltistan are bridging the gap between girls and education. An Urdu term for “female friend,” Saheli Circles are after-school safe spaces where girls explore subjects like art and climate change, while also developing skills that help them manage emotions, set goals, and build positive relationships. Girls study in groups, visit the library, play sports, and tackle filmmaking and photography projects, all designed to develop self confidence and teach the girls how to advocate for issues that matter to them. But the work doesn’t stop there.
“What we’re trying to achieve here will only be impactful if it trickles down to the home environment and the school environment,” says Marvi Sumro, founder and program director of Innovate, Educate, and Inspire Pakistan (IEI), the local organization that developed the Saheli Circles model and partnered with Malala Fund in 2021 to make it a reality. Ever since, Saheli Circles have grown to involve teachers, elders, and parents to encourage relationship building that’s essential for young girls and adolescents. “Our spaces can give mothers and daughters an opportunity to interact a little differently—do an art activity, or have a cup of tea together, or some good conversation,” Marvi says.
The relationship building is what makes the biggest positive impact throughout the community. Recently, one Saheli Circle was able to bring together parents, teachers, and administrators to advocate for better education at their local school, and together they convinced the department of education to hire a science teacher. Another Saheli Circle organized a fund where members of the community can contribute monthly to pay for uniforms, books, and other school expenses for the girls in their village, eliminating those small, hidden costs that are often a barrier to education for many. A third Saheli Circle was able to produce a short film about how gender-based household chores can take away valuable study time from girls, leaving them at a disadvantage. “The girls put the film together and showed it to the mothers, and the response from the mothers was just beautiful,” Marvi says.
Girls smiling in Pakistan. Captured by Insiya Syed.
The education and relationship building that the girls receive in Saheli Circles connects them to larger opportunities and economic freedom that are not possible in their hometown. “For girls in Gilgit-Baltistan, education is extremely important because of the fact that we’re so far away from where the economy is, where the opportunity is. Education becomes this bridge for us, for our girls, to access all the opportunity and economy that exists in [larger cities].”
From rural Tanzania to remote Pakistan, local organizations prove every day that prioritizing girls’ education benefits everyone. Communities that lift up girls are able to secure resources like clean water and well-staffed schools, as well as build stronger relationships.
These outcomes are only possible because of the women and girls who work tirelessly in these regions to overcome barriers and drive progress. The Pura x Malala Fund Collection is a way to honor them, celebrate their achievements, and unite people the world over around a shared belief that education is freedom. Like scent, that belief can build, travel, and has the possibility to transform the world.
Experience the Pura x Malala Fund Collection here, and connect with the stories of real girls leading change across the globe.
The winter Olympic viewership numbers don’t lie: Figure skating is one of the most beloved sports in the world. Honestly, is there anything more beautiful and graceful? It’s got the gorgeous aesthetics of gymnastics and dance combined with an almost other-worldliness as the skaters glide and fly around the ice. There’s a reason people can’t seem to look away from the rink when the Olympics roll around every couple of years.
However, the sport of ice skating comes with certain expectations or even stereotypes of what the skaters body should look like. For women, most high level skaters are almost always extremely petite and slight. It stands to reason that this body type must be a requirement to perform at a high level, right?
Wrong. Laine Dubin is one skater who’s out to prove that there’s no “right way” for an athlete to look.
Dubin, most recently a student at Quinnipiac University where she was a standout on the skating team, began posting videos of her routines online in 2018. Believe it or not, she didn’t set out to start a body-positive revolution—she just wanted to document her progress and free up some space on her phone.
But almost instantly, she began to develop a following. No one had ever seen anyone like her pulling off the moves that she could, all with so much personality and showmanship that sucked people in. Not only that, but Dubin displays outstanding power and grace on the ice. If you’ve only ever watched the “prototypical” Olympic skaters perform, what Dubin does almost looks impossible. It’s really amazing to behold.
One clip in particular recently went mega viral to the tune of over 30 million views:
Dubin has undoubtedly found her people on social media. The responses to her videos could bring tears to your eyes. Not only are viewers in awe of her skill on the ice, they find so much hope and inspiration in what Dubin is doing:
“Ok but as a bigger Asian girl who has always dreamed of ice skating this made me tear up so proud of you”
“I NEVER see plus sized rep in figure skating, YOU ARE INCREDIBLE THIS IS SO COOL!!”
“the fact no one knows how absolutely impressive this is especially with girls our size I love ice skating I’ve been a fan forever the power and strength you need to pull your up and spin like that”
“wait! someone with my body type figure skating?!!! like a GODDESS may I add, this makes me feel so seen, and like, maybe I could do this with some practice as well!!!!!???”
“As a plus sized girl who had the idea of figure skating shot down, thank you for making the lil girl in me happy and I’m so damn proud of you. You’re awesome.”
Comments just like these roll in on Dubin’s videos every single day. But that doesn’t mean that general attitudes across the sport are ready to change.
Women skaters, especially, are mercilessly mocked, fat-shamed, and picked apart by viewers, coaches, and even judges of the sport. Five-time Olympic medalist Tessa Virtue has dealt with people nitpicking her body her entire career, calling her either too fat or too muscular. Bronze medalist and two-time US National Champion Gracie Gold had to take a hiatus from the sport to get help with an eating disorder. One of the most promising young figure skaters in recent memory, Yulia Lipnitskaya, was forced to retire at just 19 due to anorexia along with injuries.
There are a lot of factors that contribute to this major problem. The norm is for female skaters in competition to wear incredibly skimpy dresses and outfits that accentuate their form and technique, which would make anyone self-conscious about their body. Canadian skater Kaetlyn Osmond adds that less body mass also helps them achieve sky-high jumps on the ice.
Dubin is living proof, though, that a plus-sized body can be athletic, graceful, and beautiful. It means so much to all the kids who think they shouldn’t bother pursuing their love of the sport because their own body type will never allow them to fit in.
“It’s just people seeing representation in the media of themselves being represented first,” Dubin told US Figure Skating in 2023. “That’s what will make people feel validated and that’s what will lead to change with body inclusivity in the skating space.”
The way she’s racking up millions and millions of views, it’s fair to say she—along with other plus-sized skaters—could have a real, tangible impact on the next generation of skating athletes. The official Olympics Facebook page even shared one of her clips, exposing her moves and her message to a new, massive audience. She was also interviewed on Behind the Skates on YouTube:
Keep up with Dubin and watch her progress, play, and fashion on TikTok and Instagram and visit her Linktree for even more.
This article originally appeared in April. It has been updated.
There is something extremely unfair about people born with great genetics who are extremely attractive. Sure, folks can improve their looks after putting in some work at the gym or learning how to present themselves. But many people we consider conventionally good-looking hit the jackpot by simply being born that way.
With little effort, these people have an incredible social advantage in life. They are seen as morally virtuous, receive random favors, are always the center of attention, and are more likely to get raises and promotions at work. The funny thing is that many people with pretty privilege don’t realize the incredible advantage they have until it’s gone.
People with pretty privilege get the social advantage that comes with a lot of people wanting to date them. They also have the advantage of the “halo effect,” where people take one trait, their attractiveness, and use that to make blanket positive assumptions about their intelligence, kindness, and integrity without much evidence.
What happens when people lose their pretty privilege?
In a since-deleted post, a woman on Reddit shared how she realized the power that comes with pretty privilege when she gained a lot of weight, and the world immediately began treating her differently.
“Whether we want to admit it or not, pretty privilege is a thing. And it’s something that I now realize I had for the majority of my life,” the woman wrote in a viral post. “People were usually very nice to me. I got offered perks like drinks at bars and extra attention when I went out. And I was stared at a lot.”
Things changed for the woman after she had a health condition that required her to take a medication that slowed her metabolism, which resulted in rapid weight gain.
“The fatter I got, the less attention was paid to me,” the woman continued. “I didn’t notice it at first, but I began to have to ask for customer service at places instead of being offered, and I started to feel invisible, because no one looked at me. No one. People would walk right by and not even acknowledge my existence. It was strange at first, then incredibly humbling. I thought, well, this is the new normal.”
The power of thin privilege
It’s important to note that being a certain weight doesn’t automatically make you good-looking. People can look good at any weight. However, it would be naive to believe that thin people don’t have an advantage in this world.
The drastic fluctuation in the woman’s weight made her conscious of what other people who don’t have the privilege of being pretty or thin go through in life. It allowed her to have greater compassion for people, regardless of how they look.
“My personality started to change a little,” she wrote. “I began being thankful for any small interaction someone had with me, and responded to any small act of kindness with gratefulness. I noticed other not conventionally pretty people, and other overweight people, and made an effort to talk to them and treat them like they mattered. I became a better person. Not that I wasn’t a good person before, but I was now more aware and empathetic to those around me.”
The woman soon went off the medication and, just like that, she lost weight, and people began to treat her as they had before.
Realizing the inequity of pretty privilege
“The first time I noticed it was when I was in a store looking for something, and a handsome male worker came up to me and asked if I needed help. He looked me in the eyes. I felt like I mattered again,” she continued. “Then I instantly felt sad and horrified, because of the cosmic unfairness of life, that how we look really does determine how people treat us, even though it shouldn’t.”
After the woman lost her privilege, she better understood what other people go through. On one hand, she probably enjoys the privilege, but on the other, she feels that the world is much less fair than she once imagined. At least, in the end, it’s taught her to be more empathetic to everyone she meets.
“And also, when someone looks at me and smiles, no matter who they are, I give them a huge smile back,” she finished her post.
This article originally appeared last year. It has been updated.
One of the major differences between women and men is that women are far more likely to be judged on their appearance rather than their character or abilities.
“Men as well as women tend to establish the worth of individual women primarily by the way their body looks, research shows,” Naomi Ellemers, Ph.D., wrote in Psychology Today. “We do not do this when we evaluate men.”
Ellemers believes that this tendency to judge a woman solely on her looks causes them to be seen as an object rather than a person. “As a result of focusing on their outwardly visible features, we are tempted to overlook their inner states, ignore markers of their intentions, beliefs, and desires, and less likely to empathize with their plight,” Ellemers continued.
Women in the spotlight are constantly judged more for their appearance than for their performance in their field. Tennis star Serena Williams once won the French Open, yet much of the press focused more on what she wore on the court than on her victory. Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton has been repeatedly criticized throughout her political career for her clothing and hairstyles rather than her accomplishments.
Maggie Vespa, a news anchor at KGW-TV in 2019, was criticized by a male viewer for how she dressed, and she brilliantly turned the incident into an opportunity to highlight the double standards women face.
“Just wanted to let you know that the clothes you’ve been wearing, especially those crazy pants that ride half way up your torso, are not cool looking, in any way!,” Jeffrey, a male viewer, wrote to Vespa on Facebook. “You’re way too pretty to look so foolish.”
The next day, he sent her another message: “OMG, you really looked uncomfortably tonight. Try dressing like a normal woman. Doesn’t KGW pay you enough for a wardrobe makeover?”
Vespa posted about the emails on social media and received hundreds of responses, so she carved out a few minutes on the newscast to address the situation.
“Let’s just get this out of the way at the top, okay? This is dumb. We know that,” Vespa responded. “These are my pants. I like them. I bought them.”
Vespa said the harassment “hit a nerve” with people on social media who used it as an opportunity to discuss “the pressure women obviously face, especially those in the public eye to embody the epitome of physical attractiveness at all times.”
“If we don’t, it’s somehow seen as a sign that we’re less credible or less capable and, by and large, guys don’t have to deal with this,” she continued. “As my awesome male coworkers can and have attested to.”
Vespa then showed photos of five different pairs of high-waisted pants she wore in the week following Jeffrey’s messages. Her colleagues joined in as well, donning their own high-waisted pants to show their support.
Vespa then brilliantly transformed the harassment into an empowering message.
“Our goal here is to send a message, to women, to girls, to everyone: Dress how you want, look how you want, and if anyone tries to make you feel less than because of that, that’s their problem, not yours,” she said. “There’s no one way for a normal woman to look or be.”
Vanessa, a TikTok user who goes by (@soberspouse), is an inspiration to many because of the way she handled an incredibly uncomfortable situation on a flight from Tampa, Florida, to New York on Delta Airlines. It all started when she sat down beside a man, who immediately rolled his eyes at her.
When she sat down, she noticed he had sent a text message to someone that read: “Ugh, HUGE woman sat next to me,” she recalled. “As soon as I sat, I just glanced over, and I saw it. It was right there in front of my face, and after he had to hit send, he sent a series of empty texts to essentially push what he had written off the view of his screen,” Vanessa told The Mary Sue. Before the plane took off for the two-hour flight of misery, she posted a TikTok sharing her story while asking for kindness.
“Be kind. If you’re feeling inclined, can you send some love? I lost 60+ lbs and have actually been feeling good about myself,” she requested.
After two hours of torture in the sky, Vanessa landed in New York to countless well-wishers congratulating her on her weight loss. “You lost 60 lbs?!? CONGRATULATIONS! That clearly took a lot of effort from you… Don’t let the jerk derail you as you are on a JOURNEY!” one TikTok commenter wrote. “CONGRATS on losing 60lbs! That’s amazing!! So proud of you! Keep feeling good about yourself and do NOT let someone else that clearly doesn’t even like themselves make you doubt yourself!” another added.
During the flight, Vanessa wanted to speak her mind and tell the guy off, but she didn’t want to cause drama on the airplane. To make it through two hours without causing a scene was a lesson in grace. “I didn’t wanna say anything because I really needed to get home to my kids, and I was afraid that if I started this conversation with him, I would be asked to leave the plane,” she told The Mary Sue. “So I took a few deep breaths, made the TikTok or two. I remember thinking I wish I could tell the flight attendant, but I didn’t even wanna get up or move.”
A representative image of a text. via Tod Perry
Vanessa attributes her self-control to the personal development she’s made as a sober spouse. “When it happened, my husband was the first person I texted,” she told Upworthy. “He responded by validating the situation I was in and then reassured me I am beautiful, to take a deep breath, and that I would be home soon. If he didn’t have the tools from the program, I’m sure the conversation would have looked different.”
Even though she stayed quiet, Vanessa had some things she would have wished she could have told the man. “I’ve thought about this a lot. Part of me has some choice words for him and his khaki pants and his manspread, but then I remember the whole lesson in kindness here. I’m going to assume he’s been through something or has been hurt before, and just remember that his comment was more about what he’s experienced than me. I honestly have prayed for him and hope he can find some kindness to pay forward in his life,” she told Upworthy.
Vanessa shared a follow-up video sharing the real lesson of the incident. “I’m so glad this little moment of lemons has turned into so much lemonade for so many people,” she said. “The amount of kindness that’s been spread and shared is really unbelievable.”
The winter Olympic viewership numbers don’t lie: Honestly, is there anything more beautiful and graceful than ice skating? It’s got the gorgeous aesthetics of gymnastics and dance combined with an almost other-worldliness as the skaters glide and fly around the ice. There’s a reason people can’t seem to look away from the rink when the Olympics roll around every couple of years.
However, the sport of ice skating comes with certain expectations of what the skaters body should look like. For women, most high level skaters are almost always extremely petite and slight. It stands to reason that this body type must be a requirement to perform at a high level, right?
Wrong. Laine Dubin is one skater who’s out to prove that there’s no “right way” for an athlete to look.
Dubin, most recently a student at Quinnipiac University where she was a standout on the skating team, began posting videos of her routines online in 2018. Believe it or not, she didn’t set out to start a body-positive revolution—she just wanted to document her progress and free up some space on her phone,
But almost instantly, she began to develop a following. No one had ever seen anyone like her pulling off the moves that she could, all with so much personality and showmanship that sucked people in. Not only that, but Dubin displays outstanding power and grace on the ice. If you’ve only ever watched the “prototypical” Olympic skaters perform, what Dubin does almost looks impossible. It’s really amazing to behold.
One clip in particular recently went mega viral to the tune of over 30 million views:
Dubin has undoubtedly found her people on social media. The responses to her videos could bring tears to your eyes. Not only are viewers in awe of her skill on the ice, they find so much hope and inspiration in what Dubin is doing:
“Ok but as a bigger Asian girl who has always dreamed of ice skating this made me tear up so proud of you”
“I NEVER see plus sized rep in figure skating, YOU ARE INCREDIBLE THIS IS SO COOL!!”
“the fact no one knows how absolutely impressive this is especially with girls our size I love ice skating I’ve been a fan forever the power and strength you need to pull your up and spin like that”
“wait! someone with my body type figure skating?!!! like a GODDESS may I add, this makes me feel so seen, and like, maybe I could do this with some practice as well!!!!!???”
“As a plus sized girl who had the idea of figure skating shot down, thank you for making the lil girl in me happy and I’m so damn proud of you. You’re awesome.”
Comments just like these roll in on Dubin’s videos every single day. But that doesn’t mean that general attitudes across the sport are ready to change.
Women skaters, especially, are mercilessly mocked, fat-shamed, and picked apart by viewers, coaches, and even judges of the sport. Five-time Olympic medalist Tessa Virtue has dealt with people nitpicking her body her entire career, calling her either too fat or too muscular. Bronze medalist and two-time US National Champion Gracie Gold had to take a hiatus from the sport to get help with an eating disorder. One of the most promising young figure skaters in recent memory, Yulia Lipnitskaya, was forced to retire at just 19 due to anorexia along with injuries.
There are a lot of factors that contribute to this major problem. The norm is for female skaters in competition to wear incredibly skimpy dresses and outfits that accentuate their form and technique, which would make anyone self-conscious about their body. Canadian skater Kaetlyn Osmond adds that less body mass also helps them achieve sky-high jumps on the ice.
Dubin is living proof, though, that a plus-sized body can be athletic, graceful, and beautiful. It means so much to all the kids who think they shouldn’t bother pursuing their love of the sport because their own body type will never allow them to fit in.
“It’s just people seeing representation in the media of themselves being represented first,” Dubin told US Figure Skating in 2023. “That’s what will make people feel validated and that’s what will lead to change with body inclusivity in the skating space.”
The way she’s racking up millions and millions of views, it’s fair to say she—along with other plus-sized skaters—could have a real, tangible impact on the next generation of skating athletes.
Keep up with Dubin and watch her progress, play, and fashion on TikTok and Instagram and visit her Linktree for even more.
This article originally appeared in April. It has been updated.
One of the major differences between women and men is that women are often judged based on their looks rather than their character or abilities. “Men as well as women tend to establish the worth of individual women primarily by the way their body looks, research shows. We do not do this when we evaluate men,” Naomi Ellemers Ph.D. wrote in Psychology Today.
Dr. Ellers believes that this tendency to judge a woman solely on her looks causes them to be seen as an object rather than a person. “As a result of focusing on their outwardly visible features, we are tempted to overlook their inner states, ignore markers of their intentions, beliefs, and desires, and less likely to empathize with their plight,” Ellers continued.
Women in the spotlight are constantly being judged based on their looks rather than their performance in a given field. Serena Williams once won the French Open but all the press was about what she wore on the court.
For example, Hillary Clinton has been constantly being criticized throughout her political life for what she wore or her hair style rather than her accomplishments.
Maggie Vespa, a news anchor at KGW-TV in Portland, was criticized for how she dresses by a male viewer, so she brilliantly took the incident and used it as a way to talk about the double standards women face.
The sexist message Maggie Vespa received Twitter
“Just wanted to let you know that the clothes you’ve been wearing, especially those crazy pants that ride half way up your torso, are not cool looking, in any way!,” Jeffrey, a male viewer, wrote to Vespa on Facebook. You’re way too pretty to look so foolish.”
The next day, he sent her another message. “OMG, you really looked uncomfortably tonight. Try dressing like a normal woman. Doesn’t KGW pay you enough for a wardrobe makeover?” Jeffrey wrote.
Another sexist message sent to Maggie Vespa Twitter
Vespa posted about the emails on social media and received hundreds of responses, so she carved out a few minutes to discuss the situation on the news.
“Let’s just get this out of the way at the top. This is dumb,” Vespa responded.
There was no way she was going to start dressing for the male gaze.
“These are my pants. I like them. I bought them.”
Maggie went on to show photos of five different pairs of high-waisted pants that she wore in the week following Jeffrey’s messages. Maggie’s colleagues also got in on it, donning high-waisted pants to show their support.
Vespa said the harassment “hit a nerve” with people on social media who used it as an opportunity to discuss “the pressure women obviously face, especially those in the public eye to embody the epitome of physical attractiveness at all times.”
“If we don’t, it’s somehow seen as a sign that we’re less credible or less capable and, by and large, guys don’t have to deal with this,” Vespa continued. ” As my awesome male coworkers can and have attested to.”
Vespa then brilliantly spun the harassment into an empowering message for women.
“Our goal here is to send a message, to women, to girls, to everyone: Dress how you want, look how you want, and if anybody tries to make you feel less than because of that, that’s their problem, not yours,” Vespa said.
With every Facebook or Instagram ad, it can often feel like we’re constantly being told that a beauty standard exists and none of are living up to it. “Drink THIS to get slimmer, eat THAT to gain muscles.” It’s exhausting and can truly do a number on self-esteem from an early age.
In Psychology Today’s article “Words have Weight: the Many Forms of Body Shaming” author Alice E. Schluger, Ph.D. poses the question, “When was the last time you looked in the mirror and admired your reflection? We are bombarded with images of perfect bodies on TV, in magazines, and all over social media. In our weight-conscious culture, physical appearance often overrides health considerations.”
But what if we could simply deny those societally-imposed “standards,” and start writing a script where we (gasp) actually love our bodies? The thing is, we totally can.
This was recently put to the test for me in terms of height. “Fun-sized,” is what they used to say in college. I’m five foot two and, frankly, I never gave it much thought. Not too long ago, however, I was meeting a friend’s 27-year-old daughter for the first time. Upon seeing me, in heels, she exclaimed, “My dad didn’t mention you were SO SHORT. You’re too short.”
I was taken aback. I was stunned. I don’t think she meant it nefariously per se. But it felt so strange because I walk around all day in my body without thinking about my inches. For someone to fixate on it and scream it to me? Well, that felt odd.
Sure, there were “clap-backs” with which I could have replied. From the subreddit r/Comebacks, there are tons of choices, the most scathing of which might be, “I can see all your chins from here.” The issue with hitting them where it hurts is you’re perpetuating the cycle of shame and, frankly, becoming the very bully who’s hurting you to begin with. The old adage “Hurt people hurt people” is so true, and if we recognize it before we do it, we can be part of the solution rather than the problem.
The key is to reframe what being short even means. For many, it’s not negative in the slightest. While many memes will tell us how important it is to embrace body positivity, it’s nice when it comes from external sources too. The more positive representation for every body type, the better. So what I wish I’d said is, “Yeah. Like Lady Gaga. And Reese Witherspoon and Ariana Grande and Salma Hayek and Scarlett Johansson and Quinta Brunson and Sabrina Carpenter. The list goes on.” Or, in going back to the Reddit thread, there were lots of sweet ways to own my inches proudly without lashing back. My favorite—and what I wish I’d said, “So the worst thing about me is that there isn’t MORE of me?”
Short men have also been an inspiration on this topic lately. Being short for guys has been challenging in years past. Just recently, a few online dating sites made the news for allowing height to be filtered, resulting in some shorter men getting pushed out of the algorithm. (In anUpworthy story, Evan Porter humorously suggests more sensible filters than height, such as “Can the person spell?”)
Tom Cruise in a scene from Mission: Impossible Giphy
However, there has been a clear turn in body positivity for shorter men. Articles like “5 Reasons Short Guys Make the Best Husbands“ from Your Tango note that shorter men, on average, live longer. And, as mentioned, there’s more representation in the media. Notoriously, Tom Cruise showed the world what a short king could do. Couples like Tom Holland, photographed beautifully with his much taller fiancé Zendaya, are giving men the much-deserved confidence boost some really need.
Just a couple of years ago, an opinion piece ran in The New York Times called “There Has Never Been a Better Time to be Short.” Among many claims, writer Mara Altman notes, “Short people don’t just save resources, but as resources become scarcer because of overpopulation and global warming, they may be best suited for long-term survival.”
Comedian Dan Toomey (@Dhtoomey on TikTok) has some fun with the article as a short king himself:
At the end of the day, it’s not about being short or tall or thin or fat. It’s about challenging beauty norms and embracing our wonderous, unique bodies that house our hearts and lungs and bones. Ya know, those organs that keep us breathing and alive. Oprah Winfrey’s advice on the matter is perfection:
“Are you ready to stop colluding with a culture that makes so many of us feel physically inadequate? Say goodbye to your inner critic, and take this pledge to be kinder to yourself and others.”
When lifting weights at the gym, the discomfort you feel should be coming from the workout. Not from other people with no concept of boundaries. However, this is an all-too-common occurrence for women. Personal trainer Heidi Aragon (@fit_with_heidi) is used to sharing her fitness journey on social media. Her video, which has now garnered more than 8 million views on TikTok, didn’t go viral because of the workout. Instead, people are responding to how she confronted a man who not only wouldn’t stop staring at her, but denied the fact that he was. Until Heidi beat him at his own game.
Heidi explains in the text video, “This creepy old guy at the gym kept coming over and staring at me.” Sure enough, the video shows a man in a green shirt, eyes undeniably fixated on Heidi. Uncomfortable, Heidi tries to get her husband to stand between her and the man, hoping to send a not-so-subtle cue to back off. But subtlety is clearly not this guy’s language.
So what does Heidi do? She stares back. The strategy seemed to work, at least for a while, but eventually Heidi had to go over and confront the guy directly.
Her video text read: “I told him if he’s going to work out in this corner, he needed to stop staring and making me uncomfortable. His response was, ‘I’m just looking around.’ I then told him I record my workouts and I have him on film. He shut up real quick.”
I know what you’re thinking: “Wait, didn’t we just hear a story about this?” Why yes, you’re right. Our very own Tod Perry covered another woman who had to deal with a guy at the gym who couldn’t take a hint.
Yes, almost back-to-back stories of women who have had enough of fellow male gym-goers. And still, there is victim-blaming. In the video’s comment section, one user wrote, “Wear pants like that and expected something different??” “Man let the old man enjoy the view!!! But it’s ok for all of us on tiktok to stare?” another added.
How many videos have to go viral before we stop blaming a woman’s choice of clothing (which were really quite normal gym attire, by the way) for a man’s obviously intrusive behavior?
Others also seemed to assess that because Heidi was a fitness influencer, she more or less signed up for this kind of attention, invited or not. This completely negates this woman having any choice in the matter. However, a lot of people did support Heidi in the comments. “This happens too often to women from old guys. Happens to my girl all the time. Sorry y’all gotta deal with this but Proud of you for addressing him,” one man wrote. “All the men saying it’s your fault. That attitude is the problem.”
After the video went viral, Heidi did post a tongue-in-cheek follow-up video thanking those who posted negative comments, as it gave her more followers and likes. So I guess there’s some small victory.
Though we may never have a consensus on proper gym etiquette, a good rule of thumb is keep to yourself. Getting the gumption to go work out is hard enough; don’t make staying there a hardship as well.
