Five years ago, a dad named Oliver celebrated his son’s birthday. There was cake, presents, and family gathered around the table as everyone sang “Happy Birthday.” Someone was even kind enough to film the heartwarming moment.
Only, when Oliver watched it back later, he was deeply ashamed by what he saw.
Dad realizes he was staring at his phone during his son’s birthday celebration
In a vulnerable post on X, Oliver recently re-shared the footage. In it, we see his son growing excited as the cake and lit birthday candles arrive, while the whole family sings. But Oliver’s eyes are glued to his phone the entire time.
Oliver shared, along with the video, a thoughtful note of reflection after all these years:
“Today we are celebrating another birthday and so I pulled up the video to remind myself how it looks to be absent from a moment you can’t buy back.”
Oliver tells Upworthy that “it always jabs me in the chest a little bit when I watch the video and see how excited he was. I am sure he doesn’t mind so much (kids are so forgiving), but I know that I missed it.”
In the original post, he adds that his son gets a little less excited about his birthday each year, as kids do. The childhood magic fades and doesn’t last forever, which is what makes for an especially potent sting:
There’s no making up for it next year. The moment is simply gone.
Other parents “deeply affected” by viral footage
Oliver says he originally shared the video on his social media years ago, and it went viral. The massive response triggered an outpouring of support and commiseration from fellow parents, especially dads.
“When I originally posted it, I had a significant response of mostly men/fathers commenting and messaging that it allowed themselves to see their own behavior from the outside and … realizing that it what they look like,” he said.
It’s no wonder the footage made such an impact. Knowing we should be more present and less distracted with our kids is one thing. Being forced to look into the mirror and see it ourselves is quite another.
It’s not just Oliver, and it’s not just dads. A whopping 68% of American parents say they are at least sometimes distracted by their phone when spending time with their children, per Pew Research.
The phenomenon, not unique to parents, is called technoference. It happens when screens and technology interfere with our face-to-face interactions. Beyond making us feel guilty, technoference measurably affects kids. One study linked frequent screen distraction to child behavioral problems.
Humbling video makes a difference
Oliver’s willingness to share, and re-share, a moment he’s not proud of is making a difference.
Comments poured in on X from people who appreciated the bucket of cold water:
“This is brutal. Great job calling it out. There are so many moments I wish I could get back.”
“That’s a tough lesson that I’ve come to learn as well. Thanks for sharing.”
“I respect you immensely for taking feedback and changing. That’s what matters. Being a father carries immense weight that few understand. God bless”
“good man — im guessing theres a wave of nausea that used to come over you watching this — but its a terrific reminder to all of us to put the phone down – we bought a lockbox for ours so our kids dont have to remind us to do it”
“I was just out on a lunch date with my 2yo. I started scrolling my phone. I saw your post. I put my phone away and just enjoyed the moment. Thank you for the reminder to be present.”
And to Oliver’s credit, he’s gone beyond feeling guilty about the moment. He’s since changed how he parents and shows up for his kids and family.
For starters, the phone goes away during birthdays and other family celebrations. “I have never been on my phone during a birthday party since this, not even once,” he says. Not even to take a video. He also says he regularly builds in blocks of time where his phone will be locked away or in airplane mode, even if it’s not a special occasion.
The 5-year-old video is still hard for Oliver to watch, but he’s thankful it exists:
“That moment gave me a lot of future moments where I am more present than ever before,” he says.
