The key to making a good impression on someone is having a firm grasp of what we can bring to the table. Sure, we all have unique talents and personality traits, but some things are universal in all relationships.
In the book First Impressions: What You Don’t Know About How Others, Ann Demarias and Valerie White outline 4 social gifts everyone has that they can give others to make them feel good and prove they’re a net positive, not a drain. The more social gifts you can bring to the table, the more likable you’ll be.
What are the 4 ‘social gifts’ outlined in ‘First Impressions’?
Appreciation
“Everyone likes to feel appreciated and affirmed. You show appreciation when you let someone know that you understand and respect her for her positive qualities. For example, if you tell someone directly or indirectly that she is talented, funny, smart, or attractive, she will feel proud about that quality in herself and good about herself in general.”
How to make someone feel appreciated:
- Give them a compliment: “Gee, I really love your jacket”
- Say something nice about them: “Joe told me how you helped him with his yardwork. Super cool of you.”
- Acknowledge the importance of an accomplishment
Connection
“Connection is about finding where you intersect with someone. It can be a mutual friend, common interests, or similar experiences. It can be as simple as pointing out where you have the same attitude or feeling about something, as in ‘I feel the same way,’ or ‘I loved that movie too.’ In essence, it’s saying ‘I’m like you.’ People like it because it makes them feel understood and provides them with a sense of belonging.”
How to make a quick connection:
- Find something that you have in common (i.e., favorite type of books, where you live, an opinion you share).
- Share something vulnerable about yourself that encourages them to do the same.
- Ask them follow-up questions. One of the easiest ways to make someone like you is to ask 2 follow-ups after an initial question.
Elevation
“People naturally like to be in good spirits, to laugh, and feel uplifted—and are drawn to those who make them feel that way. You don’t have to be a comedian. You can elevate others’ moods in many ways, such as by smiling, being in the moment, acting playful or entertaining, and directing your attention to the positive and humorous elements in the situation.”
How to elevate a conversation:
- Don’t be afraid to show your goofy side
- Find the positive, uplifting part of the conversation topic
- Say something nice about someone who isn’t in the conversation
Enlightenment
“We’re all curious. We like to learn something new—interesting facts, ideas and perspectives, current events, even trivia. Bearing the gift of enlightenment makes you stimulating and appealing to be around. It doesn’t have to be about some heady book you read or international politics—it can be about the curious thing you noticed on the way to work, the movie you just saw, or an article you read in a magazine.”
How to enlighten your conversation partner:
- Before going to a social event, brainstorm a few conversation topics of things you found interesting recently, whether it’s a cool news story, a fact, or a life lesson you’ve learned
- Give a brief review of a TV show, movie, or book you just read
- Bring up an interesting news article or social media post you saw online
Ultimately, when you bestow the 4 social gifts on someone at your next party, it’s not about having a transactional relationship. It’s showing people you know their needs and that you put in the effort to make them feel good. When people see that you have emotional intelligence, they’ll be much more interested in investing in your relationship.
