One of life’s great counterintuitive truths is that, studies show, the easiest way to be more likable in a conversation is to appear genuinely interested in what the other person has to say. Or, as the old saying goes, it’s better to be interested than interesting.
While some people try to impress others with their great stories and incredible wit, nothing makes people feel better than being seen and understood. So, if you want to boost your likability, learning how to make someone feel heard is a great first step. The best way to do that in conversation is to ask plenty of questions, but not all questions are created equal.
The wrong type to ask: mirroring questions.
Mirroring questions tend to come after the introductory question; after someone asks “How are you?” you give a brief answer and then return the favor with a question that mirrors the introductory question: “How are you?” Or, someone asks you, “What’s your favorite food?” and you respond with “spaghetti,” then ask, “What’s yours?”
Alison Wood Brooks, Harvard Business School Professor and author of Talk: The Science of Conversation and the Art of Being Ourselves, says mirror questions don’t increase our likability because they don’t feel genuine.
“Mirror questions reciprocate a question that’s just been asked, as in ‘I’m good. How are you?’ They’re not always insincere, but they’re often used more out of politeness norms than out of sincere curiosity—and it’s hard to tell the difference when you’re on the receiving end,” she writes at Harvard Business School’s Working Knowledge.
The right type of question to ask: The follow-up question
Brooks says that follow-up questions are “superheroes” because they “keep us on the present subject, probing deeper on something a partner has previously said. They help us explore a topic once we’re there together or have been there together in the past.” If your conversation partner says they went to the zoo, your follow-up question could be, “What was your favorite animal?” or, “Did you have a chance to ride an elephant?”
If you meet someone at a party and ask, “Where are you from? and they say, “Kansas City,” instead of replying, “That’s nice, I’m from Topeka,” you can ask follow-up questions about Kansas City. “What’s your favorite barbecue place?” you could ask, or “Do you ever think of moving back there?”
A 2017 study found that asking someone a question and then 2 follow-up questions dramatically increases your likeability. Harvard researchers conducted the study and published it in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. “We identify a robust and consistent relationship between question-asking and liking,” the study’s authors wrote. “People who ask more questions, particularly follow-up questions, are better liked by their conversation partners.”
The great thing about getting better at asking follow-up questions is that you make the other person feel great and improve your chances of making a friend without having to be the life of the party. Ultimately, asking good follow-up questions is all about being kind, because you care enough to take the time to make the other person feel seen.
