When a friend dies, it can feel like a part of you died with them. And in some sense, it’s true. The parts of you that a friend brings out may not come out the same way with anyone else. Each of our relationships has its own unique dynamic, and every friendship taps into different parts of us.
Author C.S. Lewis wrote about this truth in his book, The Four Loves. But he took it a step further to explain how losing one friend in a group changes our friendships with others who knew them, too.
It may look like a math story problem at first, but stick with it: “If, of three friends (A, B, and C), A should die, then B loses not only A, but ‘A’s part in C,’ while C loses not only A but ‘A’s part in B.’”
“In each of my friends, there is something that only some other friend can fully bring out,” he explains. “By myself I am not large enough to call the whole man into activity; I want other lights than my own to show all his facets.”
Then he gives an example to illustrate. (The word Caroline might be confusing—it’s a formal adjective meaning “Charles-like.”):
“Now that Charles is dead, I shall never again see Ronald’s reaction to a specifically Caroline joke. Far from having more of Ronald, having him ‘to myself’ now that Charles is away, I have less of Ronald.”
Group friendships can sometimes suffer from perceptions of favoritism or jealousy, but Lewis tosses that idea on its head.
“Hence true Friendship is the least jealous of loves,” Lewis wrote. “Two friends delight to be joined by a third, and three by a fourth, if only the newcomer is qualified to become a real friend. They can then say, as the blessed souls say in Dante, ‘Here comes one who will augment our loves.’ For in this love ‘to divide is not to take away.’”
Is C.S. Lewis right about friendships and jealousy?
The idea that different friends bring out different parts of us and the effect of friend loss on a friend group’s individual relationships feels pretty spot on. But what about friendship being the “least jealous of loves” part? Is that true?
We’ve likely all seen or experienced the reality of group friendships, which can sometimes involve some feelings of jealousy. Maybe two friends hang out more with each other than they do with others in the group. Perhaps one friend makes a new connection with someone outside the friend group and starts pulling away. Jealousy can creep in when friendships shift.
In an ideal world, Lewis is right that to divide love doesn’t take anything away, but that doesn’t mean jealousy never happens. And though it can pose problems, jealousy in friendship isn’t always a bad thing.
In fact, a study from Arizona State University, Oklahoma State University, and Hamilton College found that feelings of jealousy can actually be a useful tool in maintaining friendships.
“Getting jealous can sometimes be a signal that a friendship is threatened, and this signal can help us jump into action to invest in a friendship that we might have been neglecting,” said Athena Aktipis, assistant professor of psychology at ASU and author on the paper.
Friendships are good for us, even if we don’t technically need them
Lewis also wrote in The Four Loves, “Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art…. It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things which give value to survival.”
Modern science agrees. Greek researchers conducted a meta-study of adult friendships and well-being, analyzing 38 research articles published from 2000 to 2019, and found:
“Although individuals could reap the benefits of friendship from other social sources as well, it became evident that friendship is a special type of relationship, with a unique contribution to wellbeing. As a result, friendships have survived through the years and, in our days, are considered as vital to psychological flourishing.”
Here’s to the friends who bring out the parts of us we might otherwise never see and who contribute to our psychological flourishing.
