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12 non-threatening leadership strategies for women

We mustn't hurt a man's feelings.

women at work, comedy, leadership
With permission from Sarah Cooper.

Men and the feels.


Note: This an excerpt is from Sarah Cooper's book, How to Be Successful Without Hurting Men's Feelings.

In this fast-paced business world, female leaders need to make sure they're not perceived as pushy, aggressive, or competent.

One way to do that is to alter your leadership style to account for the fragile male ego.

Should men accept powerful women and not feel threatened by them? Yes. Is that asking too much?

IS IT?

Sorry, I didn't mean to get aggressive there. Anyhoo, here are twelve non-threatening leadership strategies for women.

women\u2019s communication, women in business, men

Encourage.

With permission from Sarah Cooper.

When setting a deadline, ask your coworker what he thinks of doing something, instead of just asking him to get it done. This makes him feel less like you're telling him what to do and more like you care about his opinions.

Sarah Cooper comedy, women, success

Sharing ideas.

With permission from Sarah Cooper.

When sharing your ideas, overconfidence is a killer. You don't want your male coworkers to think you're getting all uppity. Instead, downplay your ideas as just "thinking out loud," "throwing something out there," or sharing something "dumb," "random," or "crazy."

emails, comedy, gen

Email requests.

With permission from Sarah Cooper.

Pepper your emails with exclamation marks and emojis so you don't come across as too clear or direct. Your lack of efficient communication will make you seem more approachable.

office politics, men, relationships

Idea sharing.

With permission from Sarah Cooper.

If a male coworker steals your idea in a meeting, thank him for it. Give him kudos for how he explained your idea so clearly. And let's face it, no one might've ever heard it if he hadn't repeated it.

sexism, sexist comments, sexual harassment

Sexism.

With permission from Sarah Cooper.

When you hear a sexist comment, the awkward laugh is key. Practice your awkward laugh at home, with your friends and family, and in the mirror. Make sure you sound truly delighted even as your soul is dying inside.

threats, non-threatening, mansplain

Mansplain.

With permission from Sarah Cooper.

Men love explaining things. But when he's explaining something and you already know that, it might be tempting to say, "I already know that." Instead, have him explain it to you over and over again. It will make him feel useful and will give you some time to think about how to avoid him in the future.

leadership, work mistakes, hurt feelings

Mistakes.

With permission from Sarah Cooper.

Pointing out a mistake is always risky so it's important to always apologize for noticing the mistake and then make sure that no one thinks you're too sure about it. People will appreciate your "hey what do I know?!" sensibilities.

promotions, management, coworkers

Promotions.

With permission from Sarah Cooper.

Asking your manager for a promotion could make you seem power- hungry, opportunistic, and transparent. Instead, ask a male coworker to vouch for you. Have your coworker tell your manager you'd be great for the role even though you don't really want it. This will make you more likely to actually get that promotion.

rude behavior, ignored, self esteem

Rude.

With permission from Sarah Cooper.

Sometimes not everyone is properly introduced at the start of a meeting. Don't take it personally even if it happens to you all the time, and certainly don't stop the meeting from moving forward to introduce yourself. Sending a quick note afterward is the best way to introduce yourself without seeming too self-important.

interruptions, resilience,expression

Interruptions.

With permission from Sarah Cooper.

When you get interrupted, you might be tempted to just continue talking or even ask if you can finish what you were saying. This is treacherous territory. Instead, simply stop talking. The path of least resistance is silence.

typing, off-putting, work skills

Collaboration.

With permission from Sarah Cooper.

When collaborating with a man, type using only one finger. Skill and speed are very off-putting.

disagreements, solution, problem solving

Disagreements.

With permission from Sarah Cooper.

When all else fails, wear a mustache so everyone sees you as more man-like. This will cancel out any need to change your leadership style. In fact, you may even get a quick promotion!

strategies, power dynamics, team player

In conclusion...

With permission from Sarah Cooper.

Many women have discovered the secret power of non-threatening leadership. We call it a "secret power" because no one else actually knows about it. We keep our power hidden within ourselves so that it doesn't frighten and intimidate others. That's what makes us the true unsung heroes of the corporate world.

About the Author: Sarah Cooper
Sarah Cooper is a writer, comedian, and author of 100 Tricks to Appear Smart in Meetings. Her new book, How to Be Successful Without Hurting Men's Feelings, is out now.

humor, satire, executives

The comedic book cover.

With permission from Sarah Cooper.

A satirical take on what it's like to be a woman in the workplace, Cooper draws from her experience as a former executive in the world of tech (she's a former Googler and Yahooer). You can get the book here.


This article was originally published on 3.25.19

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Movies

Man passionately explains the meaning of staircases in movies and now people can't unsee it

Once you hear this explanation, you start seeing it everywhere.

AlbaProductions/YouTube

The staircase scene in "The Princess Diaries 2" is a good example of how stairs are used in film.

Moviemaking magic is part art and part science, and most of us don't fully know how the cinematic sausage gets made. Many people enjoy watching "behind the scenes" and "making of" videos to get a glimpse of what we don't see on camera, but even those don't give us all the ins and outs of how filmmakers create a great movie experience.

Perhaps that's why a video from a woman showing her screenwriter husband geeking out over a very specific element of filmmaking has gone viral. Or, maybe it's because we all love to see people passionately explain something they know about. Either way, his explanation of how staircases are purposefully used to drive the plot and reveal information about characters in movies has people engrossed.

 katharine hepburn, entrance, staircase, scene, film Staircases are used strategically in films.  Giphy  

In the video, the couple is watching The Princess Diaries 2 when the husband pauses the movie and asks his wife, "Have I told you about staircases in film and what they represent in film?" She giggles—clearly this is not an unusual occurrence—and says, "No." He puts down the remote (apparently so he can use both of his hands to talk) and starts in on the lesson.

"A staircase, almost every time in film, is used to visually represent a power dynamic," he says. "A person who is in charge of a situation will be higher up on the steps than a person who is not in charge of the situation."

@leniethamer

Today’s lesson: staircases 😂 maybe one day we will finish the movie lol but I do love the fun facts. #movie #movienerd #geek #princessdiaries #screenwriter #moviereview #disney #disneyplus #annehathaway #chrispine #couplegoals #behindthescenes

He explains that the people higher on the staircase are in command of the scene—they're the ones giving the demands and the orders—and the people lower on the staircase are listening and responding.

"Every single time, without fail, if there is a staircase in a film and someone is walking up it, talking to someone below, they are giving them a command or they are taking control of the scene," he says.

Then he picks the remote up again and proceeds to walk his wife through the scene where Anne Hathaway's character and Chris Pine's character are talking back and forth up a double staircase. As they move up and down the steps, the dynamic of their conversation changes. She starts higher up on the stairs than him, then he moves up to challenge her. She moves over to the other staircase, and for a while they talk at the same level from their respective staircase. You can see the characters fighting for control, visually on equal footing up the stairs, so the audience remains in suspense as to who will come out on top.

  - YouTube  www.youtube.com  

It was a simple scene analysis, but the video got over 2.5 million views and people loved it:

"People like your husband are the best people to hang out with. I love a sudden, passionate rant about things I've never considered."

"I can’t believe the internet is free. I just got a film education."

"This is why English and media literacy should be classes offered regularly in school and should not be laughed at when people take those classes."

"I loved EVERY second of this."

Many commenters started pointing out examples of this principle in popular films as well. Once you know it, you start seeing it everywhere.

 mean girls, regina george, staircase, power, dynamics Regina George watching the chaos from the top of the stairs in "Mean Girls"  Giphy  

"Me thinking about Regina George on top of the stairs watching the chaos."

"The daughters from Devil Wears Prada when Andy is delivering the book!"

"Crazy Rich Asians has a cool stair case scene when she visits the house for the first time!"

"Just like the Umbridge and McGonagall scene on the hogwarts stairs when they’re arguing. 🥲"

"Everyone else: McGonagall vs Umbridge Me: "PIVOT!!!! PIVOT!!!!""

 friends, moving, pivot, ross gellar, scenes, film and television The famous "PIVOT!" scene from "Friends"  Giphy  

"HARRY POTTER LIVING IN THE ROOM BELOW THE STEPS AND NEVER HAVING A SAY IN THE HOUSE 😩 OMG WAIT"

Experts sharing their niche knowledge, especially when it comes to things we all enjoy, is one of the greatest things to come from social media. Clearly this is the kind of content people want. Thankfully, we have people like this screenwriter husband to give it to us.

You can follow @leniethamer on TikTok for more of her husband's movie analysis moments.

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American teens can now access banned books through Long Beach’s free digital library program

“Your freedom to read is a fundamental right.”

Photo credit: Canva

American teens can now access banned books through Long Beach’s Free Digital Library Program

Right now, something absolutely incredible is happening in Long Beach, California. The Long Beach Public Library Foundation, which includes 11 neighborhood branches and the flagship Billie Jean King Main Library, just announced that it’s partnering with the Brooklyn Public Library. Their goal? By October 25th, every single teenager in the nation will have free access to books that might have been banned or restricted in their area.


It’s pretty awesome to witness a library fight so fiercely, throwing out copies of Looking for Alaska, or Margaret Atwood’s The Handmaid’s Tale, like a bookish Adonis Creed. Because this is precisely what this moment needs: fearlessness and tenacity in the face of censorship.


The partnership that’s changing everything

Libraries are shared havens, safe spaces that offer much more than the Dewey Decimal system. Everyone is welcome here at the public library, whether you’re sitting down and reading, using the printer, or accidentally looking at your phone the entire time, only to realize you got zero work done at all.

But this is different.

This is about libraries transforming into protectors of intellectual freedom and champions against censorship.


 library, public, books, censorship, free Libraries are fighting back. Photo credit: Canva

Here’s how it works: Starting this fall, teens between 13 and 19 years old anywhere in the United States will be able to sign up for a free digital library card from the Long Beach Public Library. All participants must fill out an application to gain access to the library’s digital resources, then renew annually to retain it.

Once approved, they will have full access to the library’s entire collection of e-books and audiobooks through the Libby app. There, they will find a treasure trove of titles that have been challenged or banned elsewhere, such as the New York Times bestseller, Water for Elephants, by Sara Gruen, which received 66 bans last year. Or, The Perks of Being a Wallflower, Stephen Chbosky’s cult-favorite coming-of-age tale, which is currently tied for the third most-banned book in America.

 


 

 woman, car, perks of being a wallflower, movie, scene These books and stories, they too, are infinite. Credit: Giphy 

 

In fact, Susan Jones, the library’s manager of automated services, told the Long Beach Post that the library actually intends to expand its database of banned books and purchase “titles that may be facing censorship challenges nationwide” to minimize wait times.

With its most recent alliance, the Long Beach Public Library Foundation joins the Brooklyn Public Library's nationwide “Books Unbanned” movement. Inspired by the American Library Association’s Freedom to Read Statement and the Library Bill of Rights, Books Unbanned was founded to “support the rights of teens nationwide to read what they like, form their own opinions, and work together with peers across the nation to defend and expand the freedom to read.” Other members of the Books Unbanned coalition include the Boston Public Library, the Los Angeles Public Library, the San Diego Public Library, and the Seattle Public Library.

“We started Books Unbanned in April 2022, and we really did it in response to all the stories we were hearing about books being banned across the country. … We wanted to figure out a way to get books in the hands of young people who were being denied them,” said Fritzi Bodenheimer, a spokesperson for the Brooklyn Public Library. “We just didn’t feel like, as a public library, we could just sit back and watch this happen.”

  A video explaining Books Unbanned.   Credit: YouTube 

The response has been overwhelming. Bodenheimer urges other libraries like Long Beach to step up and provide books that are under attack, before it's too late.

“Since we launched in April 2022, we’ve had almost 10,000 young people sign up for a card, and they’re from all 50 states. They've checked out … close to or maybe over 300,000 books,” Bodenheimer told the Long Beach Post. “It’s incredibly exciting and heartwarming, and it’s also incredibly heartbreaking because it means there’s a need.”

Why this matters so, so much

Reading is under attack. And the need for action has never felt more urgent. According to the American Library Association’s (ALA) annual report, there were 821 attempts to censor library books and materials in 2024, with 2,452 unique titles being challenged—the third-highest number ever documented by ALA.

What’s particularly concerning is that 72% of these censorship demands came from organized “pressure groups" and "the administrators, board members, and elected officials they influenced,” rather than individual parents (16%) or community members (4%). More than half of these challenges took place in public libraries (55%), with school libraries following close behind (38%).

Let's be clear. The books being targeted aren’t random.


 man, public, library, books, reading Books aren't challenged or banned by accident. They're targeted.Photo credit: Canva

These are stories written by or about Black, Indigenous, People of Color (BIPOC), or LGBTQ+ individuals that explore their experiences, histories, and movements. They address race and racism, and dive head-first into the experiences of marginalized communities. In other words, these are the very books that could help young people see themselves reflected in literature or empathize with perspectives different from their own.

“We are witnessing an effort to eliminate entire genres and categories of books from library shelves in pursuit of a larger goal of placing politics and religion over the well-being and education of young people and everyone’s right to access and find information in our libraries,” reports Deborah Caldwell-Stone, the director of ALA’s Office for Intellectual Freedom.

In 2024, these were the top 10 most frequently targeted books:

  1. All Boys Aren’t Blue: A Memoir-Manifesto by George M. Johnson.
  2. Gender Queer: A Memoir by Maia Kobabe.
  3. The Bluest Eye by Toni Morrison.
  4. The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky.
  5. Tricks by Ellen Hopkins.
  6. Looking for Alaska by John Green.
  7. Me and Earl and the Dying Girl by Jessie Andrews.
  8. Crank by Ellen Hopkins.
  9. Sold by Patricia McCormick.
  10. Flamer by Mike Curato.


Real stories, real impact

The power of this program becomes crystal clear when you hear from the teens themselves, their voices and lives recorded in a collection of thousands of stories called “In Their Own Words: Youth Voices on Books Unbanned."

“The library closest to me is very underfunded, and it is very conservative. It has a plethora of Christian novels, but their novels surrounding people of color and other religions are very limited. As a person of color, it sucks to not be able to see myself in novels I read,” writes an anonymous 17-year-old reader in Texas.

“There are books that I cannot take home because they would put me in danger. Reading digitally allows me to keep myself safe but still give[s] me the ability to read freely,” says another, this time, a 19-year-old in Virginia.

Finally, in California, a 16-year-old explains, “If it hadn’t been for the books available to me about different marginalized people’s perspectives in my school libraries growing up, I might have grown up to be a very different person.”


The fight continues

This partnership represents something bigger than books. It’s about democracy, human empathy, and the belief that all young people deserve access to stories to help them understand themselves and the world around them.

In a time when literary censorship is at an all-time high, Long Beach Public Library’s allegiance with Books Unbanned offers something radical and precious: a glimmer of hope.


 woman, library, reading, intellectual freedom, public Our public libraries are precious. Photo credit: Canva

It’s a reminder that our libraries will not go down easily. That people around the country want to protect intellectual freedom just as much as you do. And they are willing to fight tooth and nail for every young person’s right to read, learn, and grow.

Long Beach Public Library's Books Unbanned program is slated to launch in October 2025, just in time for this year's Banned Books Week, where the theme is "Censorship Is So 1984. Read for Your Rights.” Is this a blessing from George Orwell himself, telling us that we're heading in the right direction? I hope so.

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I showed my Gen Z kids 'Dead Poets Society' and their angry reactions to it floored me

"Inspiring" apparently means different things to Gen X and Gen Z.

Rotten Tomatoes Classic Trailers/YouTube

Robin Williams played inspiring English teacher John Keating in "Dead Poets Society."

As a Gen X parent of Gen Z teens and young adults, I'm used to cringing at things from 80s and 90s movies that haven't aged well. However, a beloved film from my youth that I thought they'd love, "Dead Poets Society," sparked some unexpectedly negative responses in my kids, shining a spotlight on generational differences I didn't even know existed.

I probably watched "Dead Poets Society" a dozen or more times as a teen and young adult, always finding it aesthetically beautiful, tragically sad, and profoundly inspiring. That film was one of the reasons I decided to become an English teacher, inspired as I was by Robin Williams' portrayal of the passionately unconventional English teacher, John Keating.

 

The way Mr. Keating shared his love of beauty and poetry with a class of high school boys at a stuffy prep school, encouraging them to "seize the day" and "suck all the marrow out of life," hit me right in my idealistic youthful heart. And when those boys stood up on their desks for him at the end of the film, defying the headmaster who held their futures in his hands? What a moving moment of triumph and support.

My Gen Z kids, however, saw the ending differently. They did love the feel of the film, which I expected with its warm, cozy, comforting vibe (at least up until the last 20 minutes or so). They loved Mr. Keating, because how can you not? But when the movie ended, I was taken aback hearing "That was terrible!" and "Why would you traumatize me like that?" before they also admitted, "But it was so gooood!"

  - YouTube  youtu.be  

 

The traumatize part I actually get—I'd forgotten just how incredibly heavy the film gets all of a sudden. (A caveat I feel the need to add here: Gen Z uses the word "traumatize" not in a clinical sense but as an exaggerative term for being hit unexpectedly by something sad or disturbing. They know they weren't literally traumatized by the movie.)

But in discussing it further, I discovered three main generational differences that impacted my kids' "Dead Poets Society" viewing experience and what they took away from it.

1) Gen Z sees inspiring change through a systemic lens, not an individual one

The first thing my 20-year-old said when the credits rolled was, "What? That's terrible! Nothing changed! He got fired and the school is still run by a bunch of stodgy old white men forcing everyone to conform!" My immediate response was, "Yeah, but he changed those boys' individual lives, didn't he? He helped broaden their minds and see the world differently."

  o captain my captain, dead poets society Individual impact isn't as inspiring to Gen Z as it was to Gen X.   Giphy  

I realized that Gen X youth valued individuals going against the old, outdated system and doing their own thing, whereas Gen Z values the dismantling of the system itself. For Gen X, Mr. Keating and the boys taking a stand was inspiring, but the fact that it didn't actually change anything outside of their own individual experiences stuck like a needle in my Gen Z kids' craw.

2) Gen Z isn't accustomed to being blindsided by tragic storylines with no warning

To be fair, I did tell them there was "a sad part" before the movie started. But I'd forgotten how deeply devastating the last part of the movie was, so my daughter's "Why would you do that to me?!" was somewhat warranted. "I thought maybe a dog would die or something!" she said. No one really expected one of the main characters to die by suicide and the beloved teacher protagonist to be blamed for his death, but I'd somehow minimized the tragedy of it all in my memory so my "sad part" warning was a little insufficient.

 

But also to be fair, Gen X youth never got any such warnings—we were just blindsided by tragic plot twists all the time. As kids, we cheered on Atreyu trying to save his horse from the swamp in "The Neverending Story" only to watch him drown. Adults showed us "Watership Down" thinking it would be a cute little animated film about bunnies. We were slapped in the face by the tragic child death in "My Girl," which was marketed as a sweet coming of age movie.

Gen Z was raised in the era of trigger warnings and trauma-informed practices, while Gen X kids watched a teacher die on live TV in our classrooms with zero follow-up on how we were processing it. Those differences became apparent real quick at the end of this movie.

The Never Ending Story Atreyu GIFfrom The Never Ending Story GIFs
 


3) Gen Z fixates on boundary-crossing behavior that Gen X either overlooked or saw as more nuanced

The other reaction I wasn't expecting was the utter disdain my girls showed for Knox Overstreet, the sweet-but-over-eager character who fell for the football player's cheerleader girlfriend. His boundary-crossing attempts to woo her were always cringe, but for Gen X, cringe behavior in the name of love was generally either overlooked, tolerated, or sometimes even celebrated. (Standing on a girl's lawn in the middle of the night holding a full-volume stereo over your head was peak romance for Gen X, remember.) For Gen Z, the only thing worse than cringe is predatory behavior, which Knox's obsessiveness and pushiness could arguably be seen as. My own young Gen X lens saw Knox and said, "That's a bit much, dude. Take it down a notch or three." My Gen Z daughters' lens said, "That guy's a total creepo. She needs to run far the other way."

 run, red flag behavior Gen Z is much more black and white about behaviors than previous generations.  Giphy Red Flag Run GIF by BuzzFeed 

On one hand, I was proud of them for recognizing red flag behaviors and calling them out. On the other hand, I saw how little room there is for nuance in their perceptions, which was…interesting.

To be clear, I don't think my Gen Z kids' reactions to "Dead Poets Society" are wrong; they're just different than mine were at their age. We're usually on the same page when it comes to these kinds of analyses, so seeing them have a drastically different reaction to something I loved at their age was really something. Now I'm wondering what other favorite movies from my youth I should show them to see if they view those differently as well—hopefully without "traumatizing" them too much with the experience.

This article originally appeared in January.

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Waxers, nurses, and doctors share their unfiltered inner thoughts about your 'privates.'

They're professionals, but they're also human beings.

Unsplash
There's no need to feel self conscious.

Look, let's just get it out there: It's uncomfortable any time you have to get fully or partially naked for a medical exam or cosmetic procedure. Right? It's natural and part of the process, but while you know that the person on the other end is a professional who's just there to do their job, they're also a human being. Getting naked in front of them in any other context would be extremely weird, and it's hard to completely shut that part of your brain off no matter the setting.

It's amazing how body dysmorphia really knows no bounds. We tend to think of insecurities as focusing on things like the flatness of our stomachs or the size of our noses. But perhaps the thing that people are most self-conscious about is the thing we actually talk about the least.

According to one study, about 30% of men are "dissatisfied" with the size, shape, or appearance of their penis. That number is even higher when it comes to how women feel about their vaginas. A survey done by Refinery29 showed that almost half of women had "concerns" about the appearance of their vulva.

The numbers say anywhere from a third to a half or more of all people think there's something wrong with the way our private parts look. Which begs the question: If we all think we're weird, is anybody really weird at all?

A fascinating Reddit thread recently polled experts on this very topic—people who tend to see an awful lot of genitals in their line of work: Waxing technicians or estheticians. The responses were oddly inspiring.

 waxing, brazilian wax, body image, body positivity, medical care, embarrassment, cosmetics, askreddit Steve Carrell gets waxed in "The 40-Year-Old Virgin"  Giphy  

The prompt asked, "Waxers, how often are you surprised by how a clients genitals look?"

Professional waxers chimed in with their stories and observations. As did doctors, nurses, pelvic floor therapists, urologists, and lots of other pros who work closely with people's unmentionables.

Here are a few of the best responses:

 waxing, brazilian wax, body image, body positivity, medical care, embarrassment, cosmetics, askreddit Doctors and cosmetic professionals have literally seen it all. Laura Woolf/Flickr 

"Gonna chime in as a doctor - and I would imagine it’s the same for professional waxers. WE. DONT. CARE. And in my case I would be surprised if you’d show me something I’ve never seen before." - feelgoodx

"I use to be very self conscious and insecure about my genitals. I honestly thought I had a weird vagina. But working in this industry has taught me that every one is a snowflake. I’ve seen it all and nothing surprises me. Just clean yourself before coming in." - Wild-Clementine

Not a waxer but I am a labor and delivery nurse. I see a vulva every single day I work, often multiple, and frequently about 3 feet from my face with a spotlight on it lol. Not much surprises me. Most are out of my memory by the time they're clothed or covered up. When it comes to genitals you want to be unremarkable." - tlotd

"Very, very rarely. Shaved, not shaved, lots o’ labia, no labia, etc—it’s all the same to me. I’m just here to work." - Important-Tackle

"never. i have seen it all. scars, hyperpigmentation, unevenness; none of it surprises me. just please wash yourself before coming to me." - pastelmorning

  - YouTube  www.youtube.com  

"Nothing surprises me, I'm mostly just focusing on the hair, but i do have a client who has a tuft of hair on the underside of his shaft near the tip of his penis we call his downstairs soul patch." - noorisms

Two big takeaways:

First, outside of obvious mutilations or pathologies, nothing stands out to people who are extremely knowledgeable about genitals. Differences in size, shape, and structure are totally normal and barely even register on the radar!

Second, no matter what you look like down there, good hygiene is always appreciated. A solid tip that extends far beyond the borders of the esthetician's office!

Being embarrassed, self-conscious, or even ashamed of the way your parts look doesn't seem like a big deal, but it can be.


 waxing, brazilian wax, body image, body positivity, medical care, embarrassment, cosmetics, askreddit Embarrassment about the nether regions is normal, but it can be harmful if not checked.  Photo by charlesdeluvio on Unsplash  

It's bizarre and tragic that unrealistic beauty standards actually effect the way we perceive our own nether regions. Pornography, media, and inconsiderate past partners all play a role in people developing anxiety about the way their genitals look.

Both men and women can have their sex lives negatively impacted by bad self-image and anxiety over the way they look naked. When the shame is really bad, it can hold them back in relationships, or even stop them from seeking them in the first place.

This shame or embarrassment also unfortunately extends into the medical arena, as well.

Fear of being judged or humiliated can stop women in particular from not just going in for a wax, but from going to the gynecologist, getting breast exams, or asking potentially-embarrassing but critical and life-saving health questions. For their part, men are prone to skipping prostate exams, testicular exams, or conversations about potentially embarrassing topics like erectile dysfunction or bladder problems. None of these things are fun or comfortable, but they're critical for our health!

Experts say sharing your vulnerability with your doctor or cosmetic professional can help. Letting them know you're nervous or embarrassment can signal them to offer you comfort measures. It also helps to be really direct and detailed with what you want or what you want to discuss.

According to Cedars Sinai, "Does sex hurt? Tell your doctor exactly where you feel the pain. Notice that your poop stinks? Try to describe the odor in detail." If you're too embarrassed to talk about it, try writing it down. At some point though, you'll have to get the exam. Just get through it, it gets easier once you build a relationship with your doctor (or waxer!) over time.

If you've ever been a little self-conscious, take it from the experts, from the people who have seen hundreds if not thousands of genitals up close and personal, in the most unflattering lighting and from the worst angles possible: You're totally normal!

This article was originally published last year. It has been updated.

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20-year-old woman agreed to a closed adoption for her baby, then got a wonderful surprise

Opening up a closed adoption is a risky decision. For this family, it paid off.

via CBS News/YouTube
A journal detailing Steven Schoebinger's young life.

At Upworthy, we love sharing the “best of humanity” with our audience, and this story out of Utah, originally reported by CBS News’ Steve Hartman, shows the power of love to break down barriers.

When Schauna Austin, 48, was 20 years old, she got pregnant and knew she wasn’t ready to raise a child, so she made the difficult decision to give the baby up for adoption.

She gave birth to a son she named Riley and only had three days to spend with him before surrendering him to his new family. So, she held him tight for 72 hours straight.

"It was perfect," Austin said about those three emotionally-charged days. "I knew I would have him for a short time, so I made every minute count of it. I didn't sleep for three days." It must have been tough for Austin to give up her son because the grieving process of surrender and adoption can be incredibly difficult.

Riley was given to Chris and Jennifer Schoebinger in a closed adoption, who decided to change his name to Steven.

In a closed adoption, the birth mother, Austin, would not receive any information about the adoptive family. In Utah, closed adoptions are a rarity these days, with about 95% allowing some exchange of information between the birth and adoptive parents. Usually, the birth parents have a good deal of input over whether they prefer to have regular contact or not with the adoptive family.

However, about a week later, the Schoebingers made a major decision.

  - YouTube  www.youtube.com  

The Schoebingers decided Austin should be involved in Steven’s life. They wanted to officially open the closed adoption.

You can imagine that it's a big and potentially risky decision for adoptive parents to bring in a birth parent. It could complicate things, stir up difficult feelings, or even bring conflict into their lives. But the Schoebingers weren't worried about any of that.

"It was like, 'OK, this is the way it should be. She was part of our family,'" Jennifer told CBS News. 

"You know, you can't have too many people loving you, right? Why couldn't he be both of ours?" Chris added.

Every year, the Schoebingers sent Austin pictures and bound journals showing Steven's journey in deep detail. They even had lists of all the new words he learned each year. The books were titled “The Life and Times of ‘Riley,’” paying homage to Steven’s original name.

 adoption, parenting, open adoption, closed adoption, moms, fathers, kids, family, modern families, adoptees The Schoebingers sent Steven's mother photos ever year until the two were ready to meet.  Photo by Kenny Eliason on Unsplash  

The hope was that one day when the biological mother and son were ready, they could pick up where they left off. That moment came when Steven was seven years old and his biological mother taught him to fish.The unique arrangement has been fantastic for both Austin and her biological son. "I was blessed beyond words," Austin said. "I kind of got the best of both worlds, for sure," Steven agreed. It may seem like relationships between children and those who gave them up for adoption would be complicated, but studies show that 84% of adoptees reported high levels of satisfaction when maintaining ongoing contact with their birth parents. It's considered the standard these days unless there are specific reasons why its in the best interest of the child to have the adoption be closed.

Steven is now 27 and in August 2022, he and his wife, Kayla, had their first child, a boy they named — wait for it — Riley. Austin, herself, is now a grandmother.

 

The remarkable story of Austin and the Schoebinger family proves that when we put walls between ourselves and others, we are often blocking everyone off from more love and support.


 

People on social media were incredibly moved by the story. Dozens of commenters chimed in on YouTube to express their gratitude for the families involved:

"Steven's adoptive parents are WONDERFUL! They weren't selfish, and did what was best for STEVEN, His dad said it best-----the more love a child has, the better. His bio mom lucked out with this special couple as well, especially when they sent her the books each year! This story was ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFUL!!" one user wrote.

"Speaks volumes of his adoptive parents and also the love of his natural mother to make the hardest decision on earth," another said.

"Thank you for including the birth mom in the raising of your son. I’m adopted and it was a closed one. the struggle of not knowing your birth parents is real. I just spent my first Christmas in 56 years with my Ukrainian birth family. Full circle family is love. Oh what a ride!" someone added.

Ultimately, Chris Schoebinger, the adoptive dad, said it best:

"I think the lesson we learned is that sometimes we create barriers where barriers don't need to be. And when we pull down those barriers, we really find love on the other side," Chris said.

This article originally appeared last year. It has been updated.

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