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'Parenting Whisperer' shares why it's better to teach kids resiliency than to focus on happiness

Resilience is a powerful skill.

dr. becky kennedy, parenting, parenting whisperer
via Hunter Johnson/Unsplash

He looks dejected, but he'll pull through.

A passage from a new book by Dr. Becky Kennedy makes a strong case for parents to focus more on raising resilient kids than happy ones. The excerpt from “GOOD INSIDE: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be” by Dr. Kennedy was published by Big Think.

Dr. Kennedy is a clinical psychologist, bestselling author and mom of three named "The Millennial Parenting Whisperer" by TIME magazine.

Everyone wants their children to be happy, but Dr. Kennedy argues that the path to that ultimate goal lies in addressing the root cause of unhappiness. When a child doesn't have the skills to cope with everyday feelings such as disappointment, frustration, envy and sadness, it will interfere with their ability to cultivate happiness. However, If we teach children how to regulate their emotional states, they will be able to develop the peace of mind necessary to be happy.

It’s like the old adage says: “Give a man a fish, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach him to fish, and he’ll eat forever.”



“What do we really mean when we say, ‘I just want my kids to be happy’? What are we talking about when we say, ‘Cheer up!’ or ‘You have so much to be happy about!’ or “Why can’t you just be happy?’” Kennedy asks.

“I, for one, don’t think we’re talking about cultivating happiness as much as we’re talking about avoiding fear and distress,” Kennedy continues. “Because when we focus on happiness, we ignore all the other emotions that will inevitably come up throughout our kids’ lives, which means we aren’t teaching them how to cope with those emotions.”

Kennedy believes that focusing on happiness instead of the underlying conditions that create it is like putting a bandaid over the problem.

“For me, happiness is much less compelling than resilience,” Kennedy writes. “After all, cultivating happiness is dependent on regulating distress. We have to feel safe before we can feel happy. Why do we have to learn to regulate the tough stuff first? Why can’t happiness just ‘win’ and ‘beat’ all other emotions? That certainly would be easier!”

So how does one raise an emotionally resilient child?

Kenneth Barish, Ph.D., Clinical Professor of Psychology at Weill Cornell Medical College, told PBS that parents build their child’s resilience by having a 10-minute discussion with them every night at bedtime.

“In these brief daily conversations, we should ask kids if there is something they might want to talk about—perhaps a problem at school or with friends, something they are angry with us about, or what they may be anxious about the following day,” Barish writes.

“Parents should listen to the child’s recount of the day without judgment and let them know that they have had the same experiences, too. “We can say, for example, ‘Yes, I know, it feels really bad when other kids won’t let you play…I also felt bad and angry when those kinds of things happened to me.’ Many children will respond to these statements with astonishment,” Barish writes.

This parent-child discussion can help children put their disappointments in perspective and learn that everyone has struggles. The key is developing the skills to overcome them.

“Resilience is not a static character trait that children possess or lack; it’s a skill that can be cultivated, and one that, hopefully, parents help instill in their kids from a young age,” Kennedy writes. “Because we can’t always change the stressors around us, but we can always work on our ability to access resilience.”

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How a warm bowl of Korean curry came to represent love and sacrifice

Food can mean so many things.

All images provided by Kat Chao

A photo of Kat and her mom, and a bowl of her mom's famous curry

True

Whether it’s the mac n’ cheese that reminds you of simpler times, or the exotic spiced chicken recipe you acquired from your travels, every meal tells a story.

This rings especially true for people whose families immigrate to different countries to start a new life. Immigrant parents often not only save every penny, but spend most of their time away working in order to build a future for their children. Each comfort meal they manage to provide their kids in the very few spare hours they have tells the story of love and sacrifice.

For Kat Chao, that meal was her mother’s Korean curry.

korean foodA photo of baby Kat and her mom and dad

Growing up, Kat’s mom worked weekends to support her family. But that didn’t stop her from waking up Saturday morning to dice up some beef and fresh veggies and throw them into a large pot so that Kat’s dad could heat it up and serve it with some rice to her and her brothers later.

Curry was a quick, easy and inexpensive way to feed a full house, but it served more than just practical purposes. As Kat would wake up to the enticing aroma, she was reminded that her mom was always taking care of her, even if she couldn’t physically be there.

koran curryYUM

As Kat grew a little older, her attitude towards her mother’s curry shifted. Instead of looking forward to it, she would “roll her eyes at it,” as is customary of the rebellious teen. Those less-than-positive feelings were only exacerbated by the media constantly labeling carbs, therefore rice, as “bad.” As a kid who struggled with weight, her comfort food became a source of discomfort.

But as an adult, and now a mom herself, Kat has reached a full circle moment.

korean recipes, albertsonsKat, all grown up with her own familiy

As she makes her own kids the exact same curry dish (okay, maybe a leaner cut of beef, and organic veggies…but otherwise exactly the same!) Kat finds a whole new appreciation for the recipe, knowing how hard her mom worked to even make it happen.

Kat was lucky to have grown up with a meal to look forward to each night. Other kids aren’t so lucky. 1 in 8 kids currently experience food insecurity in the United States. But there’s an opportunity to decrease those numbers.

For every O Organics product you purchase, the company will donate a meal to someone in need through the Albertsons Companies Foundation—for up to a total of 28 million meals.

Is there a dish from your childhood that you’ve longed to rekindle with? You could do like Kat does and give it an O Organic twist. Luckily, the O Organics brand has a wide array of affordable ingredients, so creating healthy swaps is easier than ever. Plus, you can provide nourishment to another family at the same time.

Just think—the next meal you prepare could make all the difference to someone else. If every meal tells a story, that’s certainly a story worth telling.

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