It feels surreal to say, but as my youngest kid nears his 18th birthday, I can see the light at the end of the parenting tunnel. Not that being a parent ever actually ends, of course, and there’s still plenty of work to do in this final stretch. But it’s weird, wild, and wonderful to know that the full-on, intensive stages of motherhood are almost all behind me.
In reflecting on the 26 years since my first child was born, there are things I wish I could tell my younger self when I was deep in the throes of early motherhood. Here are five of the most important things I would share, which might be helpful for other younger moms to hear, too.
1. You were right. Relationship trumps all else.
When you started this journey of motherhood, you felt like you didn’t know what you were doing. Totally fair. But you had a philosophy that whatever challenges arose, whatever life threw at you, whatever frustrating stages your kids went through, your relationship with them always came first. You believed that if you kept your relationship with them strong, everything else would work itself out.
You were right. Relationship trumps all else. That philosophy has come in clutch time and time again, whenever parenting troubles have arisen. It’s why you and your young adult kids genuinely enjoy each other’s company now. Bravo on clocking that bit of wisdom early on.
2. You’re doing better than you think.
That whole feeling like you don’t know what you’re doing thing? Every parent feels that. But not knowing what you’re doing doesn’t mean you’re not doing a good job.
You’ll hit obstacles in your parenting journey where you feel like you’re failing. Your kids will have struggles that you don’t know how to help them with, and that will be terrifying. You want so badly to do well and do right by them, but many things will come up with no clear “right” path.
News flash: You won’t parent perfectly. That’s okay. There’s room for imperfection. Trust that you’re doing better than you think.
3. Document more
You took a lot of photos and videos. Well done. But one thing you didn’t do so well was write things down. (Rather ironic, you being a writer and all.)
Who knew your kids would come of age in the era of mental and behavioral health awareness? You’re going to wish that you had more detailed, written notes about their behavior as children, the times when they were anxious, the times when they couldn’t focus well. You’ll wish you had a record of these things because your memory of those younger years won’t always be reliable, and neither will theirs.
The photos and videos are great. But keep a simple notebook of notes for each kid, because you’ll wish you had it later.
4. They’ll thank you for holding the line on phones
They will each beg you for a phone at 11 or 12. You will make them wait far longer than most of their peers. They will complain. You will hold the line, 70% sure you’re doing the right thing, and 30% wondering if they’ll carry a grudge over it someday. They’ll keep asking for it. When your youngest works his lawyer-like skills of persuasion on you, you will almost cave.
But you won’t. And at some point in their late teens, totally unprompted, each of them will go out of their way to thank you for not letting them get a phone at a young age.
(They’ll thank you for a lot of things, but the phone thing in particular will be a years-long battle.)
5. The work you’re putting in now is so worth it
I know you’re exhausted. Motherhood is a marathon, and one you can’t possibly train for. While there are plenty of rewards along the way (the unbearable cuteness, the joyful laughter, the wonder of watching them learn), it’s by no means an easy journey.
Your love for these humans entrusted to you runs so deep. Ironically, that love makes parenting harder. It would be so much easier if you just didn’t care. But that hard work you’re putting in now—the time, the energy, the sacrifice, the love—is so worth it. These people you are helping to mold will blow you away over and over again.
They’re not perfect, and neither are you. You’ll have some things you wish you’d done differently, but even regrets are a part of the journey. Right now, things may feel chaotic. Sorry to say, there’s more of that to come.
But someday you will sit and reflect in a quiet living room full of memories, pondering what you’d say to your younger self. The truth is, nearly all parenting advice and wisdom, even from a more experienced me to you, won’t apply across the board. Each of your kids is so different, and the uncertainty of figuring each one out is an integral part of the deal.
The only thing I can say for sure that I know you need to hear is, “You’ve got this, Mama.” Even if it doesn’t always feel like it, you really do.
