Complaining can creep its way into conversation, and it happens very frequently. According to Will Bowen, author of A Complaint Free World, people complain an average of 15 to 30 times a day.
Navigating a discussion with a complainer can be tricky. Most likely, you don’t know what to say as they express their gripes.
Thankfully, communication expert and podcaster Jefferson Fisher has shared exactly what you should say to someone who is complaining to you.
How to respond to complainers
According to Fisher, there are three key steps to keep in mind when responding to someone complaining to you:
Step #1: Make them keep going
Rather than cut them off, Fisher explains why you should encourage the complainer to keep talking.
“When someone is complaining to you, it’s typically a sign of a much bigger problem, meaning it’ll spread to other issues or even to other people,” he said. “So you want them to get it all out. That means that instead of criticizing the complainer, you’re going to create a path for them.”
Step #2: Say, “Tell me more”
Fisher says that using this phrase will stop you from becoming defensive when someone complains to you.
“You keep doing that as often times as you need,” he said. “We’re getting them to empty their entire box of bad feelings. And what you’ll find is that what they originally came to complain about was just the tip of the iceberg.”
Step #3: Empower them with solutions
Once the complainer has aired their grievances, Fisher suggests saying one of the following phrases to help guide them toward a solution:
- “And what solution do you have so far?”
- “How do you propose to resolve this?”
- “What’s the answer?”
- “How do you typically handle this?”
- “How have you addressed this in the past?”
According to Fisher, this helps teach people how to solve their own issues rather than rely on you for resolution.
Why complaining is toxic
On his podcast, Fisher interviewed confidence expert Dr. Shadé Zahrai, who explained why complaining can be so toxic.
“Complaining makes you more likely to be a negativity magnet,” she said. “People also don’t realize that when they complain, they are reliving a negative situation in vivid detail, which then activates the same parts of the brain which gears you towards negativity.”
According to Zahrai, this is known as “The Victimizer” theory.
“This is that inner voice that leads you to blame other people. To feel like life is so difficult for you and everyone else has it easier,” she explained. “And it’s the ‘Why me?’ voice.”
Fisher piped in, “That’s an exhausting voice.”
Zahrai concurred and added, “It’s an exhausting voice for you, [and] for the people around you. And then we don’t realize that it keeps us stuck.”
The bottom line on complaints
At the end of the day, this method works because it does the opposite of what most of us instinctively do. We want to fix the problem, defend ourselves, or shut the conversation down. Fisher’s approach asks you to slow down instead, let the person actually finish, and then hand the problem back to them instead of carrying it yourself. That’s not the same as being a pushover. It’s actually a way of protecting your own energy while still showing up for someone.
And that “Why me?” voice Zahrai describes? It rarely responds well to advice or logic. But it does respond to being heard. Sometimes the fastest way out of someone’s complaint spiral isn’t a better argument. It’s just three words: tell me more.
This article originally appeared in May. It has been updated.
