Having tough conversations can be nerve-wracking, but they are a necessary part of healthy relationships. However, saying the wrong words during these talks can quickly become disrespectful when emotions take over.
Jefferson Fisher, a communication expert and podcaster, explained the No. 1 mistake he sees people make when trying to have effective, productive conversations during heated situations—specifically, why using the words “always” and “never” can quickly send those conversations into a nosedive.
“If you want to be heard, respected, and taken seriously, this is where you start,” he shared in the YouTube video‘s caption.
How “always” and “never” kill conversations
Fisher explains that when it comes to arguments with someone you’re close to, a couple of absolutes often get thrown around: “You always” and “You never.”
“They’re generally not positive statements,” he said. “The only time you hear those is in some kind of negative conversation. ‘You never listen to me. You always say this. You never care.’”
These “extremes” are fueled by emotion, and while they may make you feel better to use, they’re conversation killers.
“They create a lot of friction in the conversation because the conversation is no longer about the issue,” Fisher said. “It is now about the accuracy of somebody’s statement.”
For example, the other person in the conversation will now focus on that. Fisher explains that their thinking shifts to: “‘That’s not accurate. I don’t always do that. I don’t never do this.’ And they start to try and pick and poke and look at the accuracy.”
This can result in a timeline game and a tit-for-tat, “referee”-type situation, where one person “blows the whistle,” leading to a second argument.
What to do instead
There are three things to keep in mind when absolutes come up. First, he highly recommends avoiding these two words completely, if possible.
However, he understands that using them happens “all the time,” adding that it happens in his own relationships with family and friends. “It will happen,” he said.
So, if you do use them, it’s important to retract them quickly.
“If you catch yourself using ‘always’ and ‘never,’ be the bigger person and grab it back,” he shared. “Catch it and go, ‘Actually, not always—a lot of the time. Some of the time. Most of the time.’”
Second, Fisher suggests saying, “Actually, it’s not ‘never.’ It’s a lot. It feels like a lot to me.”
Additionally, he recommends keeping the “When you, I feel” framework in mind. It looks like this:
“When you ‘X,’ I feel ‘Y,’” he explained. “When you speak to me in that tone, I feel like you’re disappointed in me and I’m doing something wrong. When you leave the food on the counter, I feel like you’re asking me to take care of it and you’re being passive-aggressive.”
Third, he recommends thinking of the conflict as stating a headline.
“‘It’s not always, but I feel like it’s a lot of the time’—then give the statement,” explained Fisher. “I used a headline to give you a preview of what I’m about to say.”
He offers another example: “‘I want to tell you something that’s important to me, and I’m not saying that it’s never. But I am saying that I feel like sometimes it’s hardly at all.’ Then give what you need to say.”
This approach can help you remain objective, according to Fisher.
