If I Told You What This Is About, You Almost Definitely Would Not Click On It

Here at Upworthy Conglomerated Offices Inc. LTD, when we cover things that matter so often, we notice patterns. One thing we've noticed is that we have a pretty swell audience that really cares about the world. The other is that when we mention the words "net neutrality," all of your eyes seem to glaze over and you walk away (metaphorically, of course). Hopefully, the case is presented in a super entertaining way this time. Because guys — this matters.

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To seize this moment, we have to ensure free and full exchange of information. That's starts with an open Internet.

One, two, one, two, three, four.

Rap News is back through with fresh news to eject. After reporting on wars, sports and militant threats in distant states, the time has shifted, hence, to focus on our own native homeland, the Internet. Join us as we flip the switch to the highest gear and set our course towards one area of our hyper sphere, the World Wide Web. Meet its inventor, Tim Berners-Lee.

How are we?

Couldn't be better.

As it should be. The Web is a wonderful forum for human interaction open to all, sharing, blogging and vlogging, LOL-ing and trolling in all forms, open source, Wikipedias, free media and of course, porn.

How does it all work so flawlessly well?

Ah. Well, gather around boys and girls. Hear this story I tell. From the days of its hypertext genesis and my NeXT machine, the architecture of the Net as we know it today was built on a fundamental principle, Net neutrality, which states that all data must be treated equally.

And that means?

It means your ISP has to let all content get through the pipe connections at identical speed and momentum whether it's eBay, Netflix, your homemade video or porn. None could step in, blog, filter or slow it down.

We take this for granted.

We do, and yet it is what made the Internet so cool and epic.

So all voices are treated the same under the system, whether they're big business or some random nerd in a bedroom?

Very good question. Come with me and let's meet figures from both ends of that spectrum.

Terrence Moonseed.

Robert, I'm honestly in awe of this invention. The advent of the Net is one of the most awesome events to have ever taken place in all of history. And it awoke me to the true conspiracies that are hidden from us, chemtrails, UFOs and reptilians. Through YouTube, I found gurus like Bashar, Icke and Jones, accrued my views of who truly runs the globe, monarch mind controls and seen that we're not alone in the universe. And clearly, I've served humanity by spamming the Net with my academic theories.


The fucking world should thank Net neutrality for giving me the capacity to start a company and immediately savagely school, humiliate, clown, beat down and righteously pawn the biggest players around town. Because without a doubt, without the clout of this protocol threaded tight, Google couldn't beat that pile of excrement, Excite. YouTube couldn't get ahead of Google Videos, and I couldn't create Facebook and be the billionaire with most likes.

And without Facebook, I can never expose the all-seeing eye and spread the truth that his company is an Illuminazi DARPA controlled spy. I'm working from the inside to crash it down.

And I'm crying all the way to my online bank account.

Yo, people, know what? It might seem like a plot. But believe it or not, even though he's an evil sucker of Beelzebub's cock.

And he's a twat.

On the topic of neutrality being locked, in this Net that we got, we both agree that it's got to be defended at all cost.

I'm pleasantly shocked. The Internet unites even disparate parties to its cause. Well, that brings our World Wide Web talk to a close. Good day to you all. Join us again for more episodes.

Hold up. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait a minute, boys and girls. Allow me to introduce myself to the world. I'm from VeriCast, telecom giant, freshly just merged. I'm here to sell you the new Interwebs to emerge.

And you are?

De Berg, William De Berg, businessman. And a businessman, any problem I fix. I've got 99 solutions to any given sitch, bitches. My lekker elevator pitch consists of smacking the fuck out of Jay-Z in a lift.


Don't be afraid. I'll illuminate you real quick. This complex babble of neutrality, I'll liberate you from this. You chinas like to stream flicks, play games, watch lots of clips.

And porn.

Yeah. And now, bro, we have a new product to make our service even more high tech.

You do?

Yeah, and it's fresh. The Internet that you're used to is past tense. I bring you the future, the Apartnet.

The Apartnet?

That is correct, based on an old South African tactic that was a success. It means a policy of separate Internet with a super-fast zef highway that's strictly for rich bitch clients who pay extra for it and a slow mo, super shit, narrow lame lane for, well, everyone else. Check the effects.

This is the apocalypse.

Take my money. Just make it stop, please.

This breaks the sacred principle of Net neutrality.

You break my balls and the sacred principle of stacking money.

Surely this policy will never receive approval from the FCC. Let us check with its new chairman and see.

How's it, bro? How can I help you?

Wait, you are...

Committed to the Internet. Yeah, sure. I spent the past 20 years lobbying for VeriCast, but I'm pro Net neu-travesty -- neutrality, cross my heart. But sadly, our hands are tied on this subject.

Why is that?

The court handed down the judgment.

Well, then, we should speak to the judges.

At your service.

Hang on a bit.

In the case of VeriCast versus FCC on the murder of Net neutrality, we find the latter in breach of the free market economy.



Order. Order. You can't regulate broadband feeds. Apartnet is legit. Case closed.

What does that even mean? And who are you, really?

Okay. Honestly, we've been watching you Net users constantly. I noticed that thanks to open Net policies, you've raised your Net consciousness promptly. But this anomaly has been horribly costly, weakening our monopoly on reality. So apologies, but we have to abolish the key quality which makes the Net so empowering, neutrality.

You'll face the wrath of the online community.

Huh, let's meet the average Net user, shall we?

Save Net neutrality. Sounds gay, LOL, hashtag, swag, selfie.

Need I say more? Hashtag apathy.

We close this chapter on a note that's ominous, but this battle is just getting started with confidence. And it involves you and the entire populace for like an ecosystem, the Net affects and connects all of us. All? Well, not quite. The children of our future time and 2/3 of us today are still offline. Can we ensure that the billions yet to connect will inherit the benefits of a neutral open Internet? History will be defined by the fate of the Net. If you are here today, you can play a role in shaping it. For a start, get to this part of the Web. Give this page a click, and tell the FCC that you're not going to take this shit. This report is brought to you via the Internet, the most free network to appear in history yet. The price of such liberty, openness and privilege, dear netizens, is our eternal vigilance.

There may be small errors in this transcript.

Original by Juice Rap News (yes, that's their name, and I love it). This one was written by Giordano Nanni and Hugo Farrant.

Jun 21, 2014

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