BREAKING: We Have Found The Secret Atheist Plan To Destroy Christmas

I'm an atheist. My family is Jewish, so we celebrate Chanukah, but I celebrate Christmas with friends. I was going to spend the holidays having a good time with my family and friends, maybe exchanging a gift or two, but apparently, instead I have to go make everyone else miserable? I wish the Atheist Christmas Destruction Director would have sent me the memo.

Don't worry, Pat. I'd never steal Christmas from someone who's probably gotten coal in his stocking for the last 60 years. 

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