+
upworthy
Joy

This viral TED Talk about being a 'real man' still holds up today

It's still a struggle to go from not being "man enough" to knowing that you are enough.

barbie, gender norms, feminism
Warner Bros Pictures/Youtube, TED/Youtube

You are KENough

If you haven't heard actor Justin Baldoni's name, you at least probably recognize him.

Best known for his role as Rafael on "Jane the Virgin," Baldoni is the epitome of Hollywood's "tall, dark, and handsome" stereotype. He is every bad boy with a sinister past. Every womanizing billionaire. Every domineering playboy.


In a talk at TEDWomen 2017, Baldoni joked about the string of characters he's been typecast as (most of them appear shirtless a good majority of the time).

"Most of the men I play ooze machismo, charisma, and power," he said. "And when I look in the mirror, that's just not how I see myself."

Baldoni came to realize that it wasn't just on-screen that he was pretending. In his everyday life, he found himself trying to conform to society's masculine ideal as well, and it all felt like a lie.

"I've been pretending to be strong when I felt weak. Confident when I felt insecure. And tough when really I was hurting," he explained.

The past few years have been a journey for Baldoni, who has set out to redefine for himself what "being a man" is really all about. In his TED Talk, he shared three major realizations he had along the way.

1. "Real men" make themselves vulnerable — not just with women, but with other men too.

Baldoni's early attempts at being more open about his emotions publicly on social media went great — until he realized almost all of his followers were women. Opening up to his fellow men was another challenge altogether.

"If it's about work or sports or politics or women, [men] have no problem sharing our opinions," he observed. "But if it's about our insecurities, our struggles, our fear of failure, it's almost like we become paralyzed."

He recalled recently wanting to talk to his guy friends about a serious issue in his life and needing almost the entirety of a three-day guys trip to work up the courage to do it. Once he did, however, he found many of his buddies were eager to share with him, too.

"My display of vulnerability can, in some cases, give other men permission to do the same," he realized.

(If only there were a TEDMen Baldoni could have given this talk at.)

2. "Real men" hold other men, and themselves, accountable.

As he began to engage more with other men, Baldoni started to become even more aware of toxic male behavior around him. It was everywhere.

He recalls an Instagram comment someone left on a photo of him and his wife. The random male commenter called the photo "gay shit."

So Baldoni decided to message him.

"I said, very politely, 'I'm just curious, because I'm on an exploration of masculinity, and I wanted to know why my love for my wife qualified as gay shit,'" he remembered.

To his surprise, the man responded thoughtfully about how his own displays of affection had been mocked as a child, and he apologized for lashing out.

"Secretly he was waiting for permission to express himself," Baldoni said. "And all he needed was another man holding him accountable and creating a safe place for him to feel. The transformation was instant."

3. "Real men" embrace the good aspects of traditional masculinity — with a twist.

Not everything traditionally associated with manliness is bad. Strength, bravery, and confidence are great things to aspire to (regardless of one's gender). But Baldoni urges men to think deeply about what those qualities really mean in practice and whether, perhaps, there's not a different way to think about spending their energy trying to achieve them.

"Are you brave enough ... to be vulnerable?" he asked. "Are you strong enough to be sensitive? ... Are you confident enough to listen to the women in your life? ... Will you be man enough to stand up to other men when you hear 'locker room talk'?"

Near the end of his talk, Baldoni acknowledges an important point: As bad as the "performance of masculinity" is for men, these rigid gender roles can be far worse for women.

He bemoaned that there wasn't even enough time to get into issues like the gender pay gap, division of household labor, and violence against women — all issues created and upheld by the toxic male behavior Baldoni's fighting against.

"The deeper we get into this, the uglier it gets," he said.

He challenged the men watching and listening to demand better of themselves and those around them.

"If we want to be part of the solution, words are no longer enough," Baldoni said.

This article originally appeared on 12.08.17


Time travel back to 1905.

Back in 1905, a book called "The Apples of New York" was published by the New York State Department of Agriculture. It featured hundreds of apple varieties of all shapes, colors, and sizes, including Thomas Jefferson's personal favorite, the Esopus Spitzenburg.






Keep ReadingShow less
Health

Gen Xer explains sense of 'impending doom' that seems to define the Millennial generation

Somebody finally put it into words and a lot of Millenials are feeling seen.

A woman looks to the ground in dispair.

At the end of his YouTube video “Does Anyone Else Feel Like Everything Has Changed?” self-development influencer Stephen Antonioni makes a rather haunting observation: "In many ways, the world is a better place than it was yesterday, just judging by objective measures. But I can't help share the feeling that something is off and perhaps terribly so. And therefore, I have to ask the question: Does anyone else feel like everything has changed?"

The most popular comment on the video, which was liked over 28,000 times was written by a YouTuber named Tracy Smith. Even though, at 57, she’s a Gen Xer, her thoughts have resonated with thousands of Millenials.

“I am 57. Not only does it feel like ‘something wicked this way comes’ but there is also this feeling that the whole world is holding its breath. Almost as though we are all waiting for some catalyst or sign or event that puts an end to this feeling of being put on hold,” Smith wrote. “This vague, unexplained unease we feel. Something terrible lurking just out of our field of vision but we all feel it closing in. I cannot count the number of people who have told me they wish that whatever is going to happen would just get on with it. That this waiting for the thing in the darkness is unbearable.”

Keep ReadingShow less

Melissa Pateras explains how dry cleaning works.


Have you ever wondered what happens at the dry cleaners? Or are you like me, who just assumed the people at the dry cleaners were wizards and never questioned their magic? Turns out, dry cleaners aren't magic and there's actually a pretty interesting explanation of how they came to be and what they do.

Melissa Pateras is known on Tiktok for her laundry knowledge. Seriously, her ability to fold laundry is hypnotizing. This time, she created a video explaining what actually takes place at the dry cleaner and the internet is aghast.

Before Pateras explained what happens in the mysterious world behind the counter of a dry cleaner, she asked a few of her friends what they thought dry cleaning was. Their answers were...interesting to say the least.

One friend surmised, "You put it in a box, right...and then you let some wind, really fast wind, blow around on your clothes and it wipes off all the dirt." The friend, whose username is @unlearn16, continued with her working hypothesis, saying that the clothes are then blasted with infrared heat to sterilize the garments. While that is certainly an interesting theory, that's not what happens.

Keep ReadingShow less
Joy

Doberman's blissful reaction while getting pampered at bathtime goes viral

This "scary" dog's next-level beauty routine proves there's nothing scary about him at all.

Representative Image from Canva

May this adorable video show that Doberman's don't deserve their bad reputation.

Let’s face it, Hollywood has given Doberman’s a bad reputation. So often they are depicted as the canine henchman to the evil villain, that many people assume that’s their temperament in real life.

But the truth is: like just about every dog on the planet, Dobermans are sweet, loyal and affectionate canine companions. And, much like Pit Bulls, they are not nearly as inherently aggressive as pop culture makes them out to be—especially when properly trained.

I mean, just take a look at Atlas. This goodest of good bois recently went viral on TikTok while getting a nice, relaxing bathtime session. He proved that not only are Doberman’s capable of extreme levels of chill, they can have a deep felt appreciation for some good old fashioned pampering.

Keep ReadingShow less
Photo by Gustavo Fring|Canva

Therapists explains being 'touched out' and gives tips to help

Just about every mother has experienced the feeling of being touched out. They may not know that's what it's called, or some may feel embarrassed to admit they're feeling that way due to fear of judgement. But when you think about it, being touched out, especially when you have younger kids seems inevitable.

The sense of your body not belonging to only you can start during pregnancy. Everything you do directly affects your developing fetus, and once the baby is born, it needs a lot of physical contact for proper brain, social, and emotional development. So babies are held a lot outside of feedings. Those babies turn into toddlers who then turn into early school agers, all of whom rely very heavily on co-regulation of their emotions and being physically near their parent to feel safe.

It's pretty much a constant state of being touched throughout much of the day. When psychologist, Dr. Raquel Martin reveals she too feels touched out in a video on Instagram, parents across the internet felt validated.

Keep ReadingShow less

No better time to grab a little shut eye.

For those in the military, sleep can mean the difference between life and death. But shut-eye can be very hard to come by, especially during active conflict.

According to Sharon Ackman, the U.S. Navy Pre-Flight School developed a scientific method to help its pilots fall asleep. Through this technique, 96% of the pilots were able to fall asleep in two minutes or less.

Keep ReadingShow less