Hug or handshake? The problem is that when you run into someone, you usually don’t have a lot of time to make the decision. Giving a handshake when someone wants a hug makes you look cold. To go in for a bear hug when someone wants to shake hands makes you seem overzealous.
This can especially be a problem in work situations. In some industries, a hug is a genuine way to show affection for a coworker, whereas in others, it’s extremely inappropriate. The greeting conundrum also changes depending on which coast you live on. People in Los Angeles are a lot huggier than those in New York City.
When to give a hug or a handshake?
Blanca Cobb, a body language and human behavior expert in Greensboro, N.C., says that instead of being mind readers, we choose the right greeting ourselves. It’s best to telegraph what you plan to do at the appropriate distance and allow the person you’re greeting to follow along.
“The easiest thing to do is to control your own cues,” Cobb told TIME. “You don’t have to worry about milliseconds and microseconds and whether you’re reading this person right.” The key is to make it clear enough so that the other person knows what to do.
Four steps is the perfect distance to open your arms or extend your hand
When it comes to distance, you should put your hand out for a handshake or begin extending your arms for a hug within four to five steps of the person you are greeting. If you send the signal too early, you’ll make them feel awkward. You’ll look like a bird walking seven steps to someone with your arms out or a robot marching eight steps up to them with your hand extended.
Make it clear that you want a handshake or a hug
“What I say to people is I actually don’t want you to match them, in terms of the greeting,” communication expert Vanessa Van Edwards said in a LinkedIn post. “It’s better to be the assertive one and show them the kind of greeting you want.” She adds that if you want a handshake, to show it with absolute clarity. “Stick your hand straight out, palm vertical, and slightly blade your body. That body angle + hand position is the universal ‘I’m coming in for a handshake,’” she continues. If you want a hug, be sure to approach them with both palms visible because people instinctively read open palms as warm and welcoming.
Suppose you and the person you are greeting have a body language breakdown and end up giving each other a weird half-shake, one-arm hug that makes everyone feel awkward. It’s okay; the best thing you can do is call it out. A psychological phenomenon known as the Pratfall Effect says that if you are already seen as a competent person, calling out your mistake will make you even more likable.
After the failed hug, you should call it out and move on:
“I guess we botched the choreography. How are you?”
“That was awkward. What have you been up to recently?”
“Well, that’s a new way to say ‘hello’? How’s the party going?”
Ultimately, if you’re going in to greet someone and you aren’t sure if it’s a hug or a handshake, it probably means that you have a friendly relationship with that person. They don’t want to embarrass you, so by making it clear how you’d like to engage, nine times out of ten they will go with your choice. Just remember: they’re probably just as uncomfortable as you are and want to get the formalities out of the way so you can enjoy each other’s company.
