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Want to be an excellent conversationalist? You should know the 43:57 rule.

It works for dating, friendships and business.

conversations, communications studies, listening
via Pexels

A couple havng a fun coversation on a date

When we think about gifted conversationalists, we’re more likely to think of great talkers—those who wow us with their insights, wit, and charm. However, communication experts believe that if you want to make a great impression on someone, knowing how to listen goes a long way.

Those of us who love being verbose may think the world loves us because of how well we can talk. But the person sitting in front of you has a lot to say, and nothing makes them feel better during a conversation than your undivided attention.

As the old saying goes, we never quite remember everything someone has said to us, but we’ll never forget how they made us feel. When you actively listen to your conversation partner, they feel that you value them and are receptive to their needs. It also eases any feelings of conflict or resentment.

After a good conversation, the person you spoke with should think, “Wow, that person really gets me,” instead of, “It was like I didn’t even exist.”

A study from 2016 on sales calls did an excellent job of quantifying the amount we should speak versus listen during a conversation. A marketing director at Gong.io analyzed 25,537 sales calls using artificial intelligence and found that the interactions where the salesperson talked 43% of the time and listened 57% of the time had the highest sales yield.

This finding has come to be known as the 43:57 rule.


Even though the study was conducted on business calls, the reason that it works should apply to social conversations as well. Paying more attention helps a salesperson identify the client's needs and makes them feel comfortable spending money because they know it's with someone who understands their interests.

It’s the same as a social situation where the person you speak to wants to know they are valued and you respect what they say.

This is excellent advice, but sometimes it’s hard to listen when you’re in a fun conversation and have a lot to say. Kate Murphy, author of "You’re Not Listening," says it’s all about staying calm.

"Deep breaths are always good. They're always good. Because it...calms down that fear response. It helps you get more centered,” Murphy told WBUR. “But also to develop your curiosity. Like I said, make it more important to be curious than to be right. And to go into every conversation with that mindset of how could I be wrong? Instead of, let me prove how I'm right.”

“That's how you develop creative ideas. It's how you cooperate. It's how you find middle ground, or at least a peaceable existence,” Murphy added.

The idea that to be a great conversationalist one should master the art of listening is a bit counterintuitive. But, if you feel that you have a lot to say in conversations and can be interesting to listen to, imagine how great that’ll make others feel when you show that you enjoy listening to them as well. It’s a virtuous cycle where everyone wins.


This article originally appeared on 3.7.23

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Walking Alongside Martu: A journey with one of the world’s oldest living cultures

Pura’s inaugural impact collection honors both sacred traditions and sustainable futures.

James Roh
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In a world driven by speed, efficiency, and immediate results, it’s easy to forget that lasting change is built on trust. Real impact doesn’t come from rushing toward an end goal or measuring success through lofty metrics. It comes from falling in love with the problem, building a community around it, and sharing a vision for lasting transformation.

Pura, the smart home fragrance company that marries premium fragrance with innovative technology, recently launched its inaugural impact collection with K Farmer Dutjahn Foundation (KFDF) and Dutjahn Sandalwood Oils (DSO). The Pura x Dutjahn partnership began with a clear purpose: to source a sacred ingredient directly from its origin while honoring the land and the people who’ve cared for it. Our goal wasn’t simply to find sandalwood — it was to find a community and an ingredient that embody exceptional land stewardship, ethical harvesting, and transformative, community-led impact. After careful research and over three years of development, we saw an opportunity to secure a premium, luxurious ingredient while supporting a regenerative supply chain that invests in Indigenous-led education, economic opportunity, and land stewardship.

James Roh

Over the past several years, we’ve walked alongside Martu, an Indigenous tribe from the vast Western Australian desert. Martu are one of the oldest living cultures in the world, with a history spanning 60,000 years. As nomadic hunter-gatherers, they have unparalleled ecological knowledge, passed down through generations, making them the traditional custodians of the land. Their approach to sandalwood harvesting isn’t driven by market demand but by a deep respect for seasonal rhythms, land health, and cultural law. Their work adapts to the environment—whether it’s “sorry time,” when mourning pauses activities, or the harsh desert conditions that make travel and communication difficult. Martu operate on Martu time, a deliberate rhythm shaped by millennia of experience, far removed from the rapid-swipe, hyper-productive pace of Western systems.

Martu’s ecological knowledge isn’t documented in baseline reports. It’s lived, carried in stories, and practiced with rigor and respect for the changing needs of the ecosystems. True partnership means unlearning the typical approach. It means standing beside—not in front—and recognizing that the wisdom and leadership we need already exist within these communities. Our role isn’t to define the work, but to support it, protect it, and learn from it.

James Roh

Tonight, as I spoke with Chairman Clinton Farmer and the KFDF team about our focus for this piece, I learned that Clinton’s truck had broken down (again), leaving him to “limp” back to town from the desert at low speeds for hours and hours. He had been awake since 3:00 a.m. This is a common and costly setback, one that disrupts the harvest, demands days of driving, and brings real financial and emotional strain. These barriers are relentless and persistent, part of the harsh reality Clinton and his community face daily. It's easy for outsiders, detached from the reality on the ground, to impose rules, regulations, and demands from afar. Rather than continuing to impose, we need to truly partner with communities — equipping them with the resources to operate sustainably, avoid burnout, and protect the very land they love and care for. All while they endeavor to share these incredible, sacred ingredients with the world and build an economic engine for their people.

There is much to learn, but we are here to listen, adapt, and stay the course. The future we need will not be built in quarterly cycles. It will be built in trust, over time, together.

To learn more about the partnership and fragrances, visit Pura x Dutjahn.

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Science confirms ‘Move in Silence’ trend might be the smartest way to achieve your goals

“I promise you things always work out better when you keep them to yourself.”

TikTok: @wemiopakunle, @_alliechen, @mandanazarfhami,

Science confirms ‘Move in Silence’ trend might be the smartest way to achieve your goals.

TikTok's latest viral wisdom is backed by hard data—and it's making people rethink their communication habits. We live in a world of chronic oversharing. We post everything, from the routes we run (including screenshots as proof of all that hard work), to the pale-green iced matcha latte sitting at our desks or a present from a boyfriend (who will be tagged prominently, not secretly off screen). Who knows when, but our brains became wired for sharing: to record, to curate, and to post every second of our lives, then consume that of others to a disturbing degree. So, here's a radical idea: when it comes to goals and plans, try keeping them to yourself. It could be the key to making them a reality.

That's the message behind TikTok's massively popular "Move in Silence" trend, where creators like @noemoneyyy have cracked the contradictory code to success: Instead of broadcasting every big idea or project that runs through your head, if you actually want it to come to fruition, keep your plans to yourself until they're executed. And it's not just a trend; surprisingly, science also supports this muted approach.


@noemoneyyy Work in private and let the results speak! #privatelife #privatelifehappylife #workinprivate #creatorsearchinsights ♬ sonido original - Luis Jonathan

"As a former oversharer who used to tell every single friend, every single family member, or a partner everything I was doing, I promise you things always work out better when you keep them to yourself," explains creator @noemoneyyy in a video that's garnered millions of views.

On a different video by @mandanazarfhami, she says, “I don’t care what you’ve got going on in your life: that dream job, that city that you want to move to, that dream person, that dream life, that dream anything. Literally keep it to yourself until it’s done.”

Commentors were quick to agree, with one person writing: “From a young age, I never told anyone my next steps. I also taught my husband and son to keep our private matters to themselves and just do things 💯Not many people like it, but who cares🌝🙌🏼🫶🏼”

Another chimed in, “This concept has changed my life for the better.” Others replied, “100 agree 💕” and “100%🙌🏼people can’t ruin what is silent, show results.”


@mandanazarghami monitoring spirits are a real thing - move in silence and watch how much your life changes #fypシ ♬ Jacob and the Stone - Emile Mosseri


What's going on here

In a study done by New York University, researchers found that people who kept their goals private worked on tasks for an average of 45 minutes, compared to the 33 minutes of work completed by those who announced their plans in advance. The twist? The people who shared their goals expressed feeling closer to finishing, despite doing approximately 25% less work.

NYU psychologist Peter Gollwitzer, who led the research, concluded that "once you've told other people your intentions, it gives you a 'premature sense of completeness.'" He also found that the brain is made up of "identity symbols," which create one's self-image. Interestingly, both action and talking about action create symbols in your brain, so simply speaking about a future plan or something you want to do satisfies that part of your brain. When we make our goals public, especially ones that matter to us and deal with our identity, our ability to achieve said goal is significantly reduced. As the old adage goes, "actions speak louder than words."

Stranger still, in his paper "Does Social Reality Widen the Intention-Behavior Gap," Gollwitzer notes that in order for this phenomenon to happen, one must truly care about their goals. "Ironically, this effect was only found for participants who are very committed to their goal!" PsychologyToday notes. "The lesson learned is that the more passionate you are about your goals, the more secretive you should be about them."

Quiet, silence, peace, shhh, no speaking, secret The more passionate you are about your goals, the more secretive you should be. Photo credit: Canva

Another reason to keep quiet: If you're a beginner trying something new, sharing your plans could potentially open you up to criticism and negative feedback, which could deter you from even starting. At the University of Chicago, professor Ayelet Fishbach conducted studies to determine how positive and negative feedback affects the pursuit of one's goal. According to Atlassian, she and her team found:

  • When positive feedback signals commitment to a goal, it increases motivation.
  • When positive feedback signals progress, it actually decreases motivation.
"One example the researchers give is a math student who gets a good grade on a test. If she perceives it to mean she likes math, she will study harder. If, however, she sees the high score as a sign she is making progress in the class, she may ease up and study less." - Atlassian


@_alliechen I used to be such an open book but now im a lot more reserved on my goals and plans so ppl dont judge #moveinsilence #relateablecontent #girlies #viral #success ♬ suara asli - astrooo🪐

We've all been there: excitedly telling everyone about your grand plans to backpack through Europe, the year you'll finally learn Spanish, or joining the group lesson at the tennis courts you always pass by… only to mysteriously lose all motivation a week later. Turns out, those lovely dopamine bursts that accompany every enthusiastic "That sounds great!" or "You should totally do it!" response might be precisely what's holding you back.

The good news? You don't need to become closed-off and secretive, a hermit on the top of a mountain who's afraid to share any part of themselves with the world. Research suggests that sharing your goals with one or two selected friends who can be trusted to provide meaningful support is still a good idea. Just hold off on the Instagram Live announcement until you've actually accomplished something substantial.

So, the next time you sit down to write your goals, whether they be a new year's resolution, the day's to-do list, or a five-year plan, think twice about sharing it with others. Give it time and you might have something better to share soon: the results.

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Teacher goes viral for showing up to her middle school at 10pm in a bonnet and pajamas

Her reason why proves that "testing anxiety isn't just for kids."

@misswinans_teach/TikTok

Not all heroes wear capes. Some wear a bonnet and PJs.

While we often think of test day as purely a stressful day for students, teachers definitely feel the pressure too. Just take middle school teacher Sarah Ashley Winans’ word for it.

Winans recently went viral on TikTok after sharing a video of herself entering the school she works at in the middle of the night, donning her pajamas and a sleeping bonnet. No, this wasn’t a bizarre episode of sleepwalking—Winans woke up from her pre-test day slumber and realized she had forgotten to plug in her computer charging cart that would be vital for students to take the exam.

Luckily, the crisis was somewhat easily averted. In the clip we see her hop out of her car, unlock the building, walk down the hall and into her classroom, and in two seconds flat she comes out flashing an “all is well” peace sign to the security camera. Phew.


@misswinans_teach Test taking anxiety isn’t just for the kids. Mind you…this was at 10:15 p.m. 🫠🫠 #itsfineimfineeverythingsfine #viralvideo #teachersoftiktok #teachertok #middleschoolteacher #teacherlife #teacherhumor #middleschool #fyp #trending #sendhelp #whyamilikethis ♬ This Is The Life Demo Hannah Montana - out of context hannah montana


“Test anxiety isn’t just for kids,” her caption read.

In an interview with Today, Winans shared how this test anxiety comes from a place of wanting all her students to feel at ease. "I don't really sleep the week of testing, because I want them to be OK, and I want them to feel confident, not to be nervous and worried. I know testing can really put a lot of pressure on people."

teachers, teacher of tiktok, test day, test anxiety, state testing, prepping for test, funny teachers, state exam, chromebookSarah Ashley Winans.Courtesy of Sarah Ashley Winans

Down in the comments, people really felt for Winans’ plight.

"I just know you were stress texting your principal,” one person wrote. Another echoed, "Yall know she was (on the phone) with someone bc she was scared to death."

Indeed, Winans did call her administrator before making her adventure to the school (luckily only a five minute drive away), and that was actually how she got this hilarious footage. "She let me look at it, and then I said, 'I have to record it,'" Winans told the outlet

Viewers who were not feeling secondhand anxiety just chimed in with pure appreciation.

“This is so Janine coded,” one person wrote, referencing Quinta Brunson's character in Abbott Elementary.

teachers, tests, testing, abbott elementary, gifJanine from Abbott Elementary.media.giphy.com

“Not all heroes wear capes, they’re in bonnets plugging in the chromebook cart at 10pm,” quipped another.

Still another said, “Just so you know, you’re an amazing teacher because WHO would go late at night when you’re already in your jammies? You’re awesome.”

Following the huge response to her video, Winans told Today, that she hopes it humanizes teachers a bit and reminds folks they aren’t perfect, but still do everything they can to provide for their students.

"This is just something we do. Teachers, you make mistakes, and you forget to do things and, I mean, you just do what you have to do to make sure your kids are successful. And I was just doing my job."

So, in addition to providing education, therapy, and mentorship, teachers also have to do a little recovery missions from time to time. That’s just reason #509 that they deserve more.

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The 4 words that can keep conversation flowing forever, even between socially awkward people

You can keep seamlessly transitioning to more interesting topics.

via Canva/Photos

A couple talking over coffee.

Many people find making small talk to be an excruciating experience. They think it’s boring to talk with a stranger about the weather, sports, or weekend plans. They may also feel like they don’t have anything to contribute to the conversation, or they don’t understand the point of having one in the first place.

However, those who excel at making small talk have a tremendous advantage in their professional and romantic relationships, as well as in forming new friendships. Most importantly, small talk is a window to transition into medium talk or, eventually, deep, meaningful conversations. The problem is that many people get stuck in small talk, and things stall before progressing to something beneficial.

conversation, small talk, conversation tips, communications tips, medium talk, reminderA man and woman chatting.via Canva/Photos

How to get better at small talk

The great thing is that, like anything, making small talk is a skill that we can all improve by learning some simple conversation techniques. One technique that is great for keeping a conversation going, like hitting a ball back and forth past a net in tennis, is a simple statement: It reminds me of…”

A redditor named IsaihLikesToConnect shared some great examples of how the phrase can be used to turn a mundane topic, such as the weather, into something much more fun.

Them: "It's been really rainy, huh?"

You:

Option 1 (Personal Story): "Yeah, it reminds me of a time I went on a run in the rain and nearly got hit by a car."

Option 2 (Music / Pop Culture): "It reminds me of every Adele song. When I'm driving, I feel like I'm in a music video."

Option 3 (Family): "It reminds me of my dad, he used to love playing with us in the rain as kids."

Option 4 (Thing you watched / World News): "It reminds me of this documentary I saw where they're trying to make it rain in the Sahara Desert.”

Option 5 (Place you lived): “It reminds me of when I lived in Australia, it barely ever rained there. I actually love this weather.”


conversation, small talk, conversation tips, communications tips, medium talk, reminderCoworkers having a conversation.via Canva/Photos

You see in this example that using “It reminds me of…” opened up the conversation to five potential new and more exciting topics. The “You” in the story could have responded with, “Yeah, it sure is rainy,” and the conversation would have ended right there. But instead, branching off the topic of rain into something a bit deeper took the conversation to the next level. You get extra points if you can take the “reminds me of” into a topic that you assume the other person will be interested in.

conversation, small talk, conversation tips, communications tips, medium talk, reminderCoworkers having a conversation.via Canva/Photos

What’s a polite way to change the topic in a conversation?

Using “this reminds me of…” is also a polite way to move the topics in another direction, especially when it's a topic that you don’t want to discuss or one that makes you feel a bit uncomfortable. Or, if it’s a situation where the other person is monologing on one topic for a very long time, this makes it easy to transition away from their diatribe.

Ultimately, the phrase is an excellent way for you to save the person you’re talking to from being stuck in the small talk rut as well. It shows you understand that when someone brings up the weather, they are merely getting things started with something both of you have in common. They probably don’t want to talk about the weather for 30 minutes, unless they are a meteorologist. “It reminds me of…” is an invitation to go a bit deeper and shows the other person that you’d like to learn more about them.

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Woman brilliantly uses a microwave to get a sick day from work

"I would have accidentally hit start."

Canva

Unique sick day excuses.

Most of us have had "that day" where we simply didn't want to go to work. We scoured our brains to come up with an excuse—car won't start, alien abduction, kid is sick. (I tried the latter once and my boss immediately replied, "But you don't HAVE a kid." Oops.)

These days, we have to get extra creative to get our much-needed day off, and one woman on TikTok took it to a whole new level. Her name is Tiffaney (@Tiffaneyfirstlady), and she used an everyday kitchen appliance as her accomplice. Casually holding her phone on speaker in one hand, she says, "Yeah, I'm at the hospital. I'm not gonna be able to come in today. Um, they running tests right now. They doing an IV. And I will let y'all know what's going on with me as soon as I leave the hospital."

Ferris Bueller, gif, stomach, faking sick, sick dayFaking Sick Matthew Broderick GIF by STARZGiphy

That's not the genius part. The whole time she's giving this speech, she's methodically clicking her microwave button to make it beep like she's hooked up to an IV pump or the like. Diabolical, maybe. Brilliant? Definitely.

@tiffaneyfirstlady

Calling out of work be like....#preparetheotherscauseiaintcoming😂😂 #fyp #pov #53havingfun♌️ #callingoutofwork #callingoutsick

Now most likely this is "just for fun" content. But the comments are just as hilarious as the video. One writes what I was thinking, "I would have accidentally hit start."

This commenter had a note about her performance, at least in terms of the timing: "The fact that she can’t multitask and keep up with the microwave tempo while trying to keep the conversation going." And this person is concerned the boss would see right through it. "The boss asking you to call after you change the smoke detector batteries because he couldn’t hear you well."

Quite a few people were disappointed because they "work in the hospital," so this wouldn't help. Another warns, "You DO know that employers watch TikTok as well!"

gif, cough, funny, sick day, faking sick, fake Sick Season 4 GIF by FriendsGiphy

There are many Reddit threads dedicated to other innovative ideas for getting the coveted sick day. In an r/AskReddit sub, someone asked, "What's your best excuse for calling in sick to work?" Redditors were ready, though some of the suggestions involved some pretty graphically disgusting illnesses involving super unsanitary practices. From Pink Eye to Typhoid Fever to words I can't actually transcribe—they had it all.

This one was a bit dark, but certainly got the job done: "I called in once and said my gran had died. This got me 2 weeks paid time off... It wasn't a lie, I just didn't say when she had died."

This excuse isn't quite so fail-safe: "My leg just got amputated. Pro Tip: Doesn't work three times."

alf, sick, cough, sneeze, sick daySick 1980S Tv GIF by absurdnoiseGiphy

This person complied an amazing list of excuses to try, should your job last at least a year. (Note: A few were removed to make the list ever-so-slightly family friendly.)

  • The heartbreak of psoriasis
  • A 24-hour Ebola bug that's going around
  • Streptococcal-gonnechenoccus
  • Connodial buttnoids
  • Inflamed fallopian tubes (I'm a dude)
  • P---s envy
  • Stockholm syndrome
  • Dry skin
  • Münchhausen by proxy
And lastly, this Redditor might take the cake (or the Viagra, rather) with this gem: "I took too many Viagras while drunk last night and now I can't see."
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Are you 'ambitious but lazy'? This 3-minute video might be just the push you need.

It's a physics problem, actually.

Photo credit: Canva

Physics actually plays a big role in procrastination.

You're an ambitious person. You've got big dreams and lofty aspirations. You know you're capable of success. You envision reaching or even exceeding your goals, and you know All The Things you need to do to make it happen.

But your couch is so comfy. And Netflix has all the Gilmore Girls seasons. And you're just going to check the news on social media real quick. And you should probably do some laundry because you're out of underwear, so you don't do All The Things. You're lucky if you do any of The Things to reach your goals.

You wake up an ambitious dreamer and go to bed a lazy procrastinator, over and over, and the cycle of wanting-to-but-not-willing-to continues.

ambitious, lazy, procrastination, inertia, struggleJoin the ambitious-but-lazy club.Photo credit: Canva

Don't worry. You're not the first person to be stuck in the ambitious-but-lazy rut, and you certainly won't be the last. There's a good chance you've tried various methods to motivate yourself or boost your willpower without lasting success. Quick dopamine hits trump ambitious dreams nine times out of ten.

But is it really laziness? A three-minute video from The Blurb explains how the cycle of knowing what you need to do but not doing it over and over again leads to a cycle of procrastination, creates guilt, and causes you to label yourself as a lazy person. And most methods of addressing the problem only deal with the symptoms—turn off your phone so don't get distracted, etc.—but don't deal with the root cause of procrastination.

What is that root cause, according to The Blurb? One word: Inertia.

- YouTubewww.youtube.com

In physics, inertia is Newton's first law of motion—an object at rest tends to stay at rest and an object in motion tends to stay in motion unless acted upon by an external force.

"This applies just as much to tasks as it does to object," the video states. "Getting started on any task, no matter how small, requires an initial push and some amount of energy to overcome the resting state of inertia, and this precisely is the issue. We make this initial push so big and difficult in our minds that instead we just avoid the task entirely and distract ourselves with cheap dopamine-inducing activities. So to break break procrastination, we need to break inertia."

ambitious but lazy, procrastination, inertia, movement, ambition So many ways to procrastinate.Photo credit: Canva

The video explains that there are two ways to break inertia:

1. Reduce the stakes

We tend to build things up in our minds, which can overwhelm us. Thinking about the entirety of a task can cause us to not want to act at all because it seems so daunting. Reducing the stakes by breaking tasks down into tiny steps and only focusing on the step in front of you is often enough to break inertia. Instead of thinking, "I have to write a 5,000 word essay," tell yourself you just have to write the first 50 words. That feels much more doable, which makes inertia much lower.

2. The two-minute rule

Again, the getting started is the biggest hurdle, so tell yourself you only have to do the thing you need to do for two minutes and give yourself permission to stop after that. Need to clean your room? Put on a song, start cleaning and stop as soon as the song stops. It's unlikely that you'll not want to continue at that point.

gif, hacks, ambition, laziness, inertia2 Minutes Close Enough GIF by Overlook HorizonGiphy

"The best part is usually you'll continue longer than two minutes or you'll end up writing more than 50 words," the video states. "And this is because objects in motion stay in motion, meaning once we get started, we start gaining momentum and this momentum keeps us going for longer. Initially, it's like pushing a ball uphill but once we pass the point of inertia, it's downhill from there and that's why it's important that the initial push is small and easy."

There are lots of examples of reducing the stakes and utilizing the two-minute rule to get yourself past inertia:

Having a hard time consistently working out? Tell yourself you just have to put your workout clothes on and step out the door. That's it. Once you're outside or at the gym (because once you're out the door in your workout clothes, you'll might as well head to the gym if you belong to one) tell yourself you only have to exercise for two minutes.

ambitious but lazy, procrastination, inertia, movement, downhill Once you break inertia, tasks become easier. Photo credit: Canva

Need to work on a school or work project? Break it down into small parts and just do the first small part. Write one paragraph. Make the first presentation slide. Spend two minutes doing research. Just take the first step.

It might sound overly simple, but sometimes the simplest solutions are the most effective and you might be surprised by how well this works. Instead of searching for motivation, think of creating momentum. All it takes that first tiny push to break inertia and get the ball rolling, literally and figuratively.

You can find more helpful videos on The Blurb's YouTube channel.

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