It’s easy to equate success with a big ego because we often see accomplished people in the public eye with large personalities. Whether it’s a loud-mouthed captain of industry, an attention-seeking athlete, or an actor who loves their own press, we see countless examples in the headlines every day.
However, a landmark study by psychologist and researcher Heidi A. Wayment and her colleagues found that people who have a “quiet ego” are much better at cultivating productivity, growth, and positive self-esteem. A big reason people with a quiet ego achieve their goals is that a loud ego distracts from the task at hand. People with loud egos spend a lot of time pushing their own way, getting defensive when challenged, and going to great lengths to show themselves in a positive light, which can greatly hinder their progress.
Simply put: a big ego can get in the way of achieving a goal.
The researchers also found that a quiet ego is a happy ego, and it creates a greater sense of well-being. People with a quiet ego tend to have reduced anxiety and depression and increased resilience, adaptability, and life satisfaction.
What is a quiet ego?
According to Wayment et al., “The quiet ego is a way of construing the self that transcends egotism, not by neglecting the self but rather by facilitating a balance of concerns for the self and others as well as by facilitating the growth of the self and others.” Having a quiet ego isn’t becoming a Buddhist monk who lets go of their attachment to self. It’s more like finding balance with oneself and others.
“The volume of the ego is turned down so that it might listen to others as well as the self in an effort to approach life more humanely and compassionately,” Wayment et al. write. To develop a quiet ego, the researchers explained that you should strive to develop four characteristics.
The characteristics of a quiet ego
Detached awareness
Detached awareness means paying attention to yourself and others without judgment or defensiveness. You remain open to whatever comes up in the moment and can look back to see whether any incorrect assumptions have caused discomfort or unhappiness.
Inclusive identity
This means being able to identify with other people’s experiences and feel genuine compassion and empathy for them. This makes it easier to judge others correctly and understand their behavior and motives more clearly.
Perspective-taking
You recognize that others may experience things differently, and you value their perspective instead of assuming you are always right. This can make it easier to solve problems, especially in stressful situations.
Growth-mindedness
People with a quiet ego care about others’ growth as well as their own. They also consider how their choices will affect themselves and others now and in the future.
Wayment et al.’s research shows we don’t need a big ego to be happy and successful. In fact, dragging around a big ol’ bag of ego gets in the way of the things we truly want. That doesn’t mean we have to reject our unique sense of self, but we can temper it a bit so we can bring others into our lives and see the world more clearly.
