All too often, people leave a date with no idea how the other person feels about them. And if you’re not into the other person, it can be stressful trying to gauge how they feel about the situation and ultimately what you should do moving forward.
Should you go ahead and have another date to see if something blossoms? Will it come across as presumptuous to let them down? If they’re not into you either, will they make you feel stupid for laying out the reasons you don’t want to go out again? Or is it leading someone on to stay mum about the lack of connection?
While there’s no easy way to navigate letting a date down, avoiding these awkward conversations oftentimes results in the awful trend of ghosting, which leaves one person completely in the emotional lurch.
Ghosting may sound harmless at first, but it’s actually a harmful (and totally lame) way to treat another person. It’s especially gross when you consider that this other person is someone you invested time in and who invested time in you. Even if there was no spark or connection on one end, ghosting is essentially like throwing the other person away and acting like they don’t matter. There are many reasons why someone might ghost, but when you poke at them enough, they really don’t hold any water. In an article for Psychology Today, Janneke M. Schokkenbroek, Ph.D., gives several reasons for why people ghost. Number one? Convenience.
Why people ghost in the first place
Sure, it may be “convenient” to walk away from a situation and pretend it no longer exists, but this bit of convenience can be extremely damaging for the person on the receiving end. In fact, a lot of research has come out in the last several years outlining the harmful effects of ghosting on the mental health of both parties. Some psychologists note that ghosting is a symptom of avoidant attachment, and stress that learning attachment theory can keep heartbroken hopefuls who’ve been ghosted from internalizing their experience. Still, ghosting hurts no matter how you slice it, and it’s just not a healthy thing to do to someone.
Unfortunately, ghosting remains extremely common. It’s so common that it’s rare to see healthy emotional rejection modeled online. But in 2019, Reddit user karmabandido’s shared a breakup text he sent to his date that quickly went viral for its honest clarity.
This is an ideal example of how to let someone down easy. He was polite, respectful, and transparent about his feelings, wants, and needs. He didn’t ghost her—but he also didn’t mince words about the lack of connection.
In return, she was able to reveal that she felt the same way and they were able to avoid further awkward interactions without negging or having to resort to ghosting.
The takeaway for all of us
Bottom line: ghosting isn’t nice and it isn’t cool. Instead, be honest, open, and respectful because it treats other people with the dignity they deserve. It may be uncomfortable, but kindly and clearly saying how you feel is the right thing to do, people appreciate it, and it goes a long way.
This article was originally published seven years ago. It has been updated.
