We talk a lot about how having a child changes your life, from how you spend your time and energy to how you view life and the world in general. What we don’t talk about as much is how having another child changes things all over again, throwing whatever stability you found after adding a baby to your life into disarray.
Only this time, you have a little person you love more than you ever thought possible who is also affected, which can cause conscientious parents much concern and consternation. Questions like, How will I love another child as much as my first? Will my first baby be hurt by my divided attention? What if they both want me at the same time? How am I going to have the energy to give each child what they need? can haunt you as you await a second baby.
Until you have more than one child and see how these questions get answered firsthand, it’s easy to feel worried. And even after it happens, the transition to more than one child can take a little time to even out, which is what prompted dad of two Eric Jensen to reach out to experienced parents for help navigating it in a video that’s been viewed over 3 millions times.
Jensen and his wife recently had their second child, and the young dad expressed the difficulty he and his 4-year-old were having with the change.
“I’m not really sure how people go about handling the transition from one to two kids,” says Jensen. “I feel like it’s really hard, in so many different ways. One is that I can really tell that my son is having a hard time. Like obviously, his whole life has changed.”
Jensen explained that he had recently suggested that he and his first son go for a walk with the new baby—a “brother walk”—but his son asked if they could go without the baby. Jensen teared up as he recounted his son saying, “You’re my best friend, can you please just hang out with me?”
“The first night he slept in his own bed, he just kept waking up silently crying to himself, and I was like ‘What’s wrong?’ and he’s like ‘I just want someone to snuggle me’…and so I spent the last two nights in his little tiny bed that’s like three feet long.”
“It’s hard because obviously I’m trying so hard to take care of him and make sure he’s feeling like accepted and okay,” Jensen added, “But every time we leave our little baby, I like die a little bit inside, like, that’s just so hard for me to miss out on those little moments. It’s a really hard transition for me. I know it’s really hard for him. I know it’s hard for my wife, too.”
Jensen said their family was figuring it out, but if anyone had any tips he’d love to hear them. And boy, did experienced parents deliver.
First, people offered words of praise and encouragement for Jensen’s emotional attachment to his kids and his consideration for their feelings.
“You are THE example of what a dad is supposed to be. We’re all here for you. You’re going so good brother.”
“I’m crying this father is so sweet my heart can’t even handle it.”
“Sounds like you’re doing great. The children are fortunate to have such a loving father. ❤️“
“IMAGINE having a father this attuned and considerate! Please give yourself grace!!”
“Youre sensé of emotional awareness is STRENGTH.”
“First time I have ever actually seen dad guilt. I felt this in my soul. You are a great dad!”
“It takes time for the whole fam to adjust, sometimes it may seem like you’re not doing enough for them, but you are and they will remember it and appreciate it when they’re older.”
But some people also offered helpful, practical advice for attempting to meet everyone’s needs and create the bonds parents hope for their children to have growing up.
“Include your older one in everything and instead of it being ‘I need to go do xyz for your baby brother or sister’ it’s ‘can you help me with xyz?’ Then praise of ‘you’re such a good helper, you’re so kind, you’re such an amazing brother or sister.’ Then naturally he or she will want to help. Make them feel included during bath time, feedings, even play. Remember that they are still a baby in their own right so refrain from telling them how big they are or how they should act and carve out 1:1 time for just the two of you. Make dinner or lunch together, watch a movie and snuggle, take a drive/ go to the park. ‘Let’s go get mommy something special.’ Build your older one up, make them feel really included in everything you do and validate their feelings. Also don’t force a bond right away with the sibling, but encourage it. ❤️“
“I feel this SO much bro… it’ll get better, I promise you that. Keep doing your 1-1s with your wife, and your baby, and your boy. It’s all about finding a healthy balance of love, laughter, sadness, gratefulness, and peace. You’ll find your rhythm. He’ll start to understand things more, just stay the course. You’re already doing a good job and I don’t even know who you are Keep pushing dad!”
“Really feel for you! We’re going through the same but from 2 to 3 and our middle child has struggled. What we’ve done is intentionally bought him lots of new things and told him everything we bought was from his baby sister and anytime we get him any of his favourite snacks we tell him it’s from her too, it’s helped him see her as an ally rather than someone that’s come to take dad and mum’s attention from him. ❤️❤️“
“The best thing I did when my daughter was 2.5 when my son was born, I would say out loud to the baby that he needed to wait and I needed to help her. It made her feel really important and reminded her.”
“Little buddy is grieving his old life. Once he can make baby laugh and smile things get 1000x better I promise. Give him lots of choice ‘do you want me to get you out of the car first or baby?’…”
Having more than one child is hard, there’s no doubt about it. But part of the parenting journey is the learning that takes place as you go and the support you get from other parents as you meet the challenges along the way. It takes a village to raise a child, but it also takes a village to raise a parent. Kudos to this father for providing a space for experience and wisdom to be shared with anyone who might need it.
You can follow Eric Jensen (@kidds_dad) on Instagram, TikTok, and YouTube.
