Getting caught off guard by a rude comment from a coworker, family member, or total stranger can throw you for a loop. You immediately start wondering how you should respond. Should I insult the person right back or play it cool without stooping to their level? Everyone is going to be thrown by a disrespectful comment at some point, so it’s good to have a response in your back pocket for that moment when it comes.
Communications expert Jefferson Fisher provided a great response that we can all use recently on the Mel Robbins Podcast. Fisher is a Texas board-certified personal injury attorney and one of the most respected voices on argumentation and communication in the world. He is also the bestselling author of The Next Conversation: Argue Less, Talk More.
How to respond to a rude or disrespectful comment
Fisher told Robbins that the first step in responding to the comment is nonverbal. You say nothing. “A lot of silence. So often, if you just wait 10 seconds that you’re gonna add distance between what they said and how you’re going to respond,” Fisher said. “They’re saying this to get something out of you, cause in that moment, they’re feeling something, whether it’s a fear or an insecurity, whatever it is, you’re not going to deliver on that same plane that they are.”
The next step is to let the rude person know that their behavior will not be tolerated in a confident manner.
“So somebody says something disrespectful, you give enough silence to make sure that it’s a little awkward, and then you’re going to say something to the effect of, ‘That’s below my standard for a response.’ All of a sudden, you’re now making it clear that what you just said was beneath me. And I don’t respond to things that are beneath me in that way.”
Throw it back on them
If you prefer to put someone back on their heels instead of squelching the situation as Fisher recommends, John Bowe, a speech trainer, award-winning journalist, and author of I Have Something to Say: Mastering the Art of Public Speaking in the Age of DisconnectionI Have Something to Say: Mastering the Art of Public Speaking in the Age of Disconnection, says that you should respond with a question: “Do you really mean that?”
“Say it with outrage or dripping sarcasm, with raised eyebrows or deadpan calm. It doesn’t matter. This phrase is quietly disarming and deceptively powerful,” Bowe writes for CNBC. Bowe says the response does two great things for you. First, it gives them a chance to reconsider their words because most rude comments are said without thinking. “By responding with curiosity instead of defensiveness, you’re holding up a mirror. Often, that’s all it takes for the other person to walk back their offense,” he writes.
After the person is asked if they meant what they said, they can double down on their rude comment, but they are probably more likely to backpedal or apologize.
Unfortunately, it’s a fact of life that, unless you live under a rock, you’ll have to deal with people making rude comments. But the best thing you can do is to prepare yourself to confidently put someone in their place so they’ll think twice about ever being rude to you again.
