Sometimes we just need advice on how to give advice. As meta as that may sound, it’s human nature to want to impart wisdom to others. But have you ever asked yourself exactly when and how you should do that?
Dr. Dolly Chugh, a behavioral scientist and professor at New York University’s Stern School of Business, offers some astute guidance on giving advice. In a clip circulating on social media, she first shares an acronym people can use to check themselves before putting in their two cents. It’s the W.A.I.T. rule, and its simplicity is gold.
What is W.A.I.T.?
Speaking on The Mel Robbins Podcast, Chugh explains that W.A.I.T. stands for “Why Am I Talking?” She shares a common mistake many of us make: “Most of us want to help the people we love solve their problems. That doesn’t necessarily mean they asked us for help to solve their problems. So I like the W.A.I.T. rule. Why am I talking?”
She then explains why this rule is helpful: “The W.A.I.T. rule reminds us that while we’re talking, especially if we’re talking about someone else’s problem, we’re almost always talking ‘at’ them.”
She shares another rule of thumb for figuring out what someone needs before jumping in with advice: “Another great little rule of thumb I’ve heard is to ask people when we feel tempted to solve their problems. ‘Do you want to be heard, hugged, or helped?’”
Chugh notes that while this approach might not work in the workplace, it can be helpful in a family setting.
Heard, hugged, helped, or high-fived?
Chugh adds her own spin:
“Then my addition to that rule is, ‘Or high-fived?’ Heard means they need to vent. Hugged means they need to feel loved. Helped, they need my advice. They want it and they’re asking for it. And the high-fived piece that I’ve added is sometimes a lot of us want people to notice how hard we’re trying.”
She notes that sometimes we may get frustrated. But if we step back and really examine why a friend, family member, or colleague might be sharing something with us, we may better understand what they actually need: “So a friend is complaining they’re never taking my advice. My first question is, ‘Did they ever ask for it?’”
She suggests naming the kind of support that’s needed:
“Let’s say they are asking for the advice, and they’re not taking it, to name that. Say, ‘I know you’ve asked for my advice. I’m really flattered by that, and I’m always happy to offer it. But I’ve gotta ask you a question. When you ask for my advice, do you mean you want to be helped or do you want to be heard? Do you want to be hugged? Are you in pain? Do you want to be high-fived for the fact that you’re a great partner and you’re not getting the attention you want at home. Can you tell me a little about what you mean by advice?’”
Modeling advice instead of just giving it
This clip truly resonated with people in the comment section. One Instagrammer shared their experience as the person seeking an ear:
“So true. Sometimes I don’t want people to give solutions to me. Sometimes, we just want someone to just listen to us without judgment and without coming up with a million solutions. I love this rule and honestly, I know a few people who desperately need to learn this.”
This person agreed and delved into the benign narcissism that can come with giving advice:
“The WAIT Rule is brilliant because immediate advice-giving is often an ego-driven defense mechanism. Our brains rush to solve problems to alleviate our own discomfort with someone else’s pain, rather than sitting with them in it.”
A psychologist weighed in:
“As a psychologist, I see this so often – sometimes our urge to give advice is really our own discomfort with watching someone struggle. They may not need us to solve their problem; they may need to feel heard, understood, and trusted to find their own way through it.”
The conversation is part of a larger discussion on “dealing with people who won’t change.” But instead of focusing on that frustration, it centers on having empathy for the person we want to help.
And Chugh makes another important point: Regardless of what another person is seeking from us, if we want them to change, we have to “model” that change ourselves. So whether they’re looking to be heard, helped, hugged, or high-fived, sometimes the most impactful thing we can do is simply demonstrate a good path they can perhaps emulate.
