Communication experts say highly likable people do 10 things in conversations to build relationships

Make a lasting impression in every chat.

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Photo credit: CanvaLikable people say these things during conversations to build better relationships.

Making friends and developing deeper, stronger relationships starts with good conversation. Sometimes that means small talk at work, while other times it’s the kind of conversation that really takes off at a party.

Some people are naturals when it comes to easy, flowing conversation—especially highly likable people, who tend to attract others and often hold the key to mastering genuine conversation. From their gestures to the way they articulate questions, there’s a lot others can learn from them.

Communication experts who spoke to Upworthy say there are 10 things highly likable people do during conversations to build stronger relationships.

1. They listen without distraction

Listeners often make the best conversationalists.

“That means not looking at your phone or scanning around the room to see who you want to talk to next,” says Kerri Garbis, CEO and founder of Ovation Communication. “Focus on the person in front of you only. Make eye contact. This fosters a relationship because when you are fully present, it signals respect, interest, and helps others feel valued versus like they are competing for your attention.”

2. They collect data

Being inquisitive about what people need during conversations is key to building stronger relationships.

“If you take a moment to ask your colleague or even friend, ‘What are you worried about? What’s the biggest concern facing you right now?’ you can get great data on how you can help them – in a way that taps into something urgent and top of mind for them,” says Kate Mason, PhD, an executive communications coach and author of Powerfully Likeable: A Woman’s Guide to Effective Communication. “They’ll remember your thoughtfulness and the actions you took.”

3. They balance the conversation

Highly likable people never make it all about themselves.

“Sometimes conversations can be ‘lopsided’ where it’s more about the other person than about you,” says Rob Volpe, a communication expert and author of Tell Me More About That: Solving the Empathy Crisis One Conversation at a Time. “While that can be okay, you aren’t there to be their therapist. Sometimes the context and topic may make it off balance, but if it continues and you aren’t feeling seen yourself, feel free to say something like ‘I’d love to share my thoughts on this’ or ‘May I share something I’m dealing with at the moment?’”

4. They mirror their conversation partner

Taking cues from body language can foster deeper relationships.

“It’s a subtle way to make someone comfortable because they recognize themself in your actions,” says Jennifer Anderson, a communication expert who works with entrepreneurs. “Your energy should match the energy of your counterpart. Think relaxing-in-lounge-chair energy vs. about-to-deliver-a-presentation energy. Those are two very different conversations. If you paired them up, there’s definitely about to be some awkwardness.”

5. They skip pre-planned questions

While coming to conversations prepared with questions may help you feel less anxious, highly likable people usually don’t use them.

“Often people have questions in their back pocket, like about the weather or sports, but the most likeable people in the room are those who can be present in conversations and ask follow-ups based on what someone is talking about,” Garbis says. “This builds a relationship by making conversations feel relational and not transactional.”

6. They are self-aware

Highly likable people are masters of self-awareness, especially during conversations.

“Self-awareness of your judgment is key to building relationships,” Volpe says. “We all carry biases which can block our view of the person standing in front of us. When you catch yourself being judgmental, have some grace with yourself and get curious about the other person as well as where your judgment is coming from. This clears one of the biggest obstacles to having empathy with others.”

7. They respond with affirmation

Highly likable people make others feel seen and heard.

“No matter what is coming out of the person’s mouth, make it clear that you’re not judging or competing with them,” Garbis notes. “If they say: ‘I went skiing this weekend,’ don’t jump in and say that you also went skiing. Say something like, ‘Wow, that sounds exciting, tell me more about that.’ You can respond with validating statements like: ‘That makes sense, or I can see why you’re so good at that, or I can see why that matters to you.’ This reduces defensiveness and nervousness, and it makes people feel safe to be themselves and creates relationships faster.”

8. They remain calm

Bringing a sense of calm rather than chaos to a conversation can put everyone at ease.

“Calm is the most powerful communication flex you can do,” Mason says. “If you can stay calm, especially in a heated conversation, you actually end up looking trustworthy, reliable and unruffled – all very powerful things to be remembered for.”

9. They remember names

Highly likable people personalize conversations by using the other person’s name.

“Never ever tell people you are terrible at remembering names,” Garbis explains. “This will tank the conversation because it signals you don’t matter, nothing you say matters, and that you aren’t worth remembering. It makes a person mentally check out of the conversation. Use good tricks like repeating a person’s name at the beginning and again at the end. If you forgot by the end, say something like, ‘It was so fun to hear about your skiing adventure. By the way, I’m Kerri, it was so nice to meet you, and can you remind me of your name? I don’t want to forget it?’ They’ll be so grateful you repeated your name too!”

10. They use humor where they can

Finally, highly likable people make sure to infuse conversations with laughter.

“It’s a great connector,” Anderson notes. “Don’t try to be a standup comic, just find the lighthearted observations and details that you can share in conversations. Humor is never a weapon; judgy and mean-spirited comments convey weakness, not confidence. You’ll risk alienating your conversation partner if you come in with a full roast of your friends or coworkers. If all else fails, everyone loves a Dad Joke.”

  • Woman uses an auditorium full of students to reframe how we think about sexual assault
    Photo credit: CanvaEducator tells students to stand if sexual assault touched their lives, the empty chairs spoke volumes

    Sexual Assault is a topic many people don’t want to think about, but it’s an unfortunate reality for some. Due to the topic being uncomfortable and often stigmatized, there can be a misunderstanding around how prevalent sexual assault is. Brittany Piper is an author, sexual assault educator, and survivor who uses a unique approach to highlight the number of those impacted.

    April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month, and April 1st marks the anniversary of Piper’s assault. To commemorate the occasion, she created a compilation video of an activity she performs during her training sessions at college campuses. The video was uploaded to her social media page, where it has amassed over four million views.

    sexual assault awareness month, sexual assault, mental health, college students, culture
    College students in lecture.
    Photo Credit: Canva

    The video gives a visual representation of the startling statistics. Someone is sexually assaulted every minute in the United States, and every nine minutes, a child is sexually assaulted, according to RAINN. They also reveal that “An estimated 443,635 people age 12+ experience sexual violence each year in the U.S.” and that “26.4% of female and 6.8% of male undergraduate students experience rape or sexual assault involving physical force, violence, or incapacitation.”

    Those staggering statistics make Piper’s visual depiction more powerful. Piper focused the camera on different groups of college students in lecture halls. She asks the students to stand if they know someone who has experienced sexual assault or if they themselves have experienced it. In each video, nearly every student stands up. Piper tells the different groups of students to remain standing if the assault was reported. Almost instantly, the majority of people sat down.

    sexual assault awareness month, sexual assault, mental health, college students, culture
    Sad woman sitting on floor.
    Photo Credit: Canva

    As students look around taking inventory of how many were still standing, the educator asks one last question. For the few students who were still on their feet, she asked them to stay standing if the perpetrator received any punishment for their actions. In a heartbreaking visual, approximately 4 to 5 students remained standing in total.

    “The creaking of chairs. It’s a visceral symphony etched into my bones,” Piper writes. She later adds, “Today, as I stitched together just a few of the stages my body remembers, the pattern is heartbreakingly clear. Every time, when I ask who knows a survivor, it’s always too many.”

    Gen Z may have a clearer understanding of what constitutes sexual assault and be more likely to share their experience with others. A meta-analysis published by Science Direct that looks at ACE (adverse childhood experiences) scores shows Gen Z is less likely to have experienced childhood sexual assault than Gen X.

    Viewers of the video were moved by the sheer number of people who sat back down. One person shares, “So many standing followed by so many sitting down breaks my heart.”

    Another laments, “I guarantee the boys still sitting DO know someone who’s a survivor. They just don’t realize it because the person hasn’t told them.”

    sexual assault awareness month, sexual assault, mental health, college students, culture
    Sad woman hugging friend.
    Photo Credit: Canva

    One man is calling for accountability, writing, “Men this is on us. We need to call anyone, anywhere, anytime we see something…. To start … let’s look in the mirror at our own behavior.”

    Someone else has a sad revelation, writing, “It hits hard when you realize that she can do this in any city in the usa and get the exact same results. She wasn’t surprised, she knew what would happen when she asked those questions, no matter where she was in the usa.”

    “The visual is overwhelming. Made me cry,” another person says.

    “Thank you for your work. This is a such powerful way to show rape culture and the impunity in our society,” someone shares.

    Editor’s Note: If you or someone you know has been a victim of sexual assault, you’re not alone. RAINN offers free, confidential support, 24/7 in English and Spanish through their National Sexual Assault Hotline. Call 1-800-656-HOPE (4637), text “HOPE” to 64673 or chat at RAINN.org/hotline.

  • Fifth-grade teacher explains why he thinks the classic kid’s book ‘Rainbow Fish’ isn’t great
    Photo credit: via AmazonThe cover of "Rainbow Fish."

    Few children’s books are as deeply ingrained into the collective millennial psyche as “Rainbow Fish.” In addition to selling a gazillion copies, Marcus Pfister’s 1992 classic has spawned counting books, board books of opposites, hand puppets, and sequels such as “Rainbow Fish to the Rescue!” and “Rainbow Fish Finds His Way.” What’s not to love about those oh-so sparkling rainbow scales and heartwarming lesson about how sharing leads to happiness far better than selfishness? Only, according to some…that’s not the story’s lesson. In fact, some believe that the book teaches all the wrong lessons.

    In a video posted to his TikTok, fifth-grade teacher Mr. Vương (a.k.a “America’s Favorite Teacher”) admitted that while the illustrations were, in fact, great, and the author probably had “good intentions”, he still didn’t like the story behind this award-winning classic. The Rainbow Fish took home the Christopher Award, the Bologna Book Fair Critici in Erba Prize, and the American Booksellers ABBY Award.

    For those who never read the book, or perhaps forgot, Vương explains that at the beginning, “Rainbow Fish is full of himself because when all the other fish wanted to play with him, he sort of swam past them and thought he was better. Then one of the fish asked for one of his scales, and he refuses.”

    The case against Rainbow Fish

    This is where Vương feels the book missed the mark, as it depicts drawing a boundary as a character flaw of Rainbow Fish (more on that later). He said, “In my opinion, I think he has the right to do that because he doesn’t have to give up part of himself or anybody.” The real flaw, Vương argues, “was that he was not humble.”

     

    Vương goes on to say that in the book, when Rainbow Fish said no, all the other fish decided not to play with him, which “made it more about how all the fish didn’t accept him because he didn’t give up his scales, rather than them responding to his stuck-up behavior.”

    Also in the book, the wise Octopus advises that Rainbow Fish overcome his pride and give up all but one of his scales to the other fish. He might no longer be the most beautiful fish in the sea, but he is finally happy. Thus, bringing in the moral of the story of sacrificing vanity for peace. “So he got acceptance…when he gave up parts of who he was…” Vương declares matter-of-factly.

    He’s not the only one with doubts

    Vương’s hot take seemed to resonate with a few other adults who thought the Rainbow Fish had lost its luster. “Rereading it as an adult now, it made me angry. Little fish has the audacity to ask for a shiny scale, Rainbow Fish says no, so little fish goes and bad mouths him to all the other fish so they all turn on him and only become his friends when he gives up a part of himself,” one viewer wrote.

    “I feel like the book had more of a ‘sharing is caring’ moral and just carried out the message in a weird way with the scales” another said. One person even quipped, “…and now I know where I learned to be a people pleaser from. Thanks FYP.”

    It’s worth noting that regardless of his own personal opinion of the book, Mr. Vương still uses it to “teach about how to think critically about themes.”

    Changing the narrative

    “I opened up with what the theme was and then I read the story without telling them my opinion,” he says. “Then the kids made all these connections themselves and some of them looked at it through the lens of, ‘Oh it’s selfishness.’ And some of them were like, ‘Wait, is he buying his friends?’”

     

    Not only that, but the class had “really good discussions” about transactional relationships, as well as dissecting what the author’s original intent might have been. They will also be creating their own alternate endings, “where the theme is not that you gotta, you know, pay for your friends,” as the last part of their assignment.

    While not everyone might share Vương’s opinions on this kid’s book, we can probably all agree on his stance that “just because it has an award-winning sticker on it, it does not make it top-notch.”

    This article originally appeared two years ago. It has been updated.

  • Teacher lists the 10 basic skills she says 3rd graders no longer have, and it’s eye-opening
    Photo credit: CanvaChildren with backpacks entering school, text overlay: "Many don’t know their parents’ names…”

    When elementary school teacher @mommy_n_zachy went on TikTok to talk about the skills her students struggle with, it wasn’t to shame anyone. It was an honest cry for help. Her short video, which has now been viewed nearly five million times, has sparked a wide conversation about what children are, and are not, prepared for when they walk into a classroom.

    In the clip, she listed 10 basic skills many of her 3rd graders couldn’t do. Some forgotten skills, like reading an analog clock, counting physical money, or writing in cursive, aren’t entirely surprising given how technology has shifted daily habits for all of us. Many adults rarely use cash, handwritten letters, or wall clocks themselves.

    But more troubling is the fact that many kids cannot memorize their parents’ phone numbers or their home address. Even more concerning, students often don’t know how to use a dictionary, follow multi-step directions, tie their shoes, remember their parents’ names, know where their family is from, or recall the year they were born. These are practical safety skills and developmental milestones that help children navigate the world with more independence.

    What makes the situation even harder, she shared, is that many students don’t seem very interested in learning these basics. For teachers, starting from scratch on so many foundational tasks makes an already demanding job even more difficult, especially when large classrooms and limited time already stretch their capacity.

    “We are going to do our part as teachers, but we just need a little help at home, please,” she said. “We are a community. We work together. So let’s set our kids up for success. … If y’all can help us out, we need to go back to basics.”

    Her words touched a nerve. While some commenters placed blame on schools, the broader conversation that emerged was about how essential it is for parents and teachers to work together. Many adults pointed out that families juggling financial pressures, work schedules, limited childcare, or lack of support may not always have the time or energy to reinforce these skills. Others noted that teachers, too, face resource shortages and systemic challenges. The consensus was that partnership, not blame, is what helps children most.

    Fortunately, the skills @mommy_n_zachy highlighted are very teachable at home with simple routines. Parents can practice phone numbers as a little song or rhyme. Reading clocks can become a daily guessing game. Counting coins while unloading groceries can turn into a mini challenge. Tying shoes can be practiced for a few minutes before leaving the house. Writing letters to grandparents, labeling drawings, or even copying short messages can build comfort with script. Asking children to complete two-step or three-step directions can strengthen their working memory and confidence. None of these activities require extra money or special materials. What they need most is repetition, patience, and a supportive adult by their side.

    teachers, elementary school, 3rd grade, basic skills, teaching basic skills, writing in cursive, education, learning
    Dad helps daughter with homework at table; mom reads in background. Photo credit: Canva

    If anything, her viral video reminded many people that children thrive when all the adults in their world take part in their learning. Small efforts made consistently can make a meaningful difference, both in the classroom and beyond.

    This article originally appeared last year. It has been updated.

  • High school teacher shares 6 student behaviors she ‘doesn’t care about’ and 3 she does
    https://www.tiktok.com/@ms.johnson.teachessA teacher admits to letting a lot of Gen Z behavior slide in her classroom. But not everything.
    ,

    High school teacher shares 6 student behaviors she ‘doesn’t care about’ and 3 she does

    “I had a kid eating a rotisserie chicken. I don’t care. He got his work done.”

    There are two kinds of teachers, and we’ve all had our fair share of both. There’s the “strict” teacher that rules with an iron fist, holds fast to classroom rules, and demands excellence. And then there’s the “cool” teacher that plays things a little looser, has fun with the kids, and finds creative ways to inspire them to learn.

    At least, that’s the way it used to be. More and more, there seems to be a new kind of educator that’s able to bring together the best of both worlds when teaching Gen Z.

    One such teacher is Katy Johnson, who has been sharing a behind-the-scenes look at her career as an educator for years on social media. She’s racked up nearly a million followers in the process.

    High school teacher goes viral

    In a recent TikTok, Johnson went viral after beginning: “Let’s talk about some things I simply do not care about as a high school teacher.”

    First up? Drinking and eating in class.

    “I don’t care,” she says in the video. “I do not care at all. Literally last week I had a kid eating a rotisserie chicken. Don’t care. He got his work done. Doesn’t bother me.”

    Next up: “Dress code. That is not my worry.”

    She adds that, unless it’s offensive, she will let almost anything go. “Girl, wear your crop top and your shorts, I don’t care.”

    Being a minute or two late to class, before instruction has begun

    Charging phones

    Sitting in assigned seats

    Talking in class

    Basically, Johnson says she doesn’t get bothered by behaviors unless they interrupt the classroom. She doesn’t want kids talking while she’s speaking, but doesn’t mind if they chat with friends while finishing assignments, for example. And she’d rather have a teen’s phone plugged into the wall, charging, than for them to be using it during class.

    @ms.johnson.teachess

    I have so many more… let me know if you want a part 2 #teacher #highschoolteacher #teachertok

    ♬ original sound – Katy Johnson

    The cool teacher? Not so fast

    15 million people viewed Johnson’s TikTok and many were quick to praise her relaxed approach:

    “see she gets it,” wrote one commenter

    “You should teach teachers,” added another.

    “Agree with this. Some teachers care so much about things that don’t matter and it ends up wasting so much time,” someone added.

    Multiple people chimed in with their suspicions that Ms. Johnson is likely every kid’s “favorite.”

    But lest anyone think she’s a pushover, Johnson followed up with another video. This time, she covered some eyebrow raising behaviors she’s surprisingly strict about:

    “I do have some things that I actually, really care about,” she says, starting with her no-nonsense bathroom policy.

    “I do not let kids leave my classroom during my lesson. No.” She adds that if it’s a true emergency, she’ll make an exception, but she’s had to repeat lessons one too many times to be any more lenient than that.

    Number two: No laptops in her math class.

    “I firmly believe that math is best taught with pen and paper. We do not use Chromebooks. I care about that a lot,” she says.

    The next is, in a surprise twist, phone usage. She says she does not allow students to use their phones at all during class, and even locks them away during instruction time. The only exception is, of course, that she will allow students to charge their devices as long as they’re not using them.

    “Oh so she is a normal teacher after all,” wrote one disappointed commenter.

    @ms.johnson.teachess

    Replying to @Kiaha gilbert the #1 think I care about is THEM!! & their learning!!!! I don’t have a lot of rules, but the rules I have, I expect them to follow #teacher #teachertok #highschoolteacher

    ♬ original sound – Katy Johnson


    The series was so popular that Johnson followed it up with a part two with more things that “doesn’t care about,” including kids listening to music with one AirPod in and turning in work late.

    “If you got your work done… I do not care what the kids do as long as they stay in this room and stay respectful.”

    @ms.johnson.teachess

    Replying to @user7510982892402 basically if you get your work done & stay respectful… I am happy #teacher #teachertok #highschoolteacher

    ♬ original sound – Katy Johnson

    A unique approach to teaching Gen Z

    Traditionalists would probably say Ms. Johnson is far too permissive with when it comes to teaching Gen Z students. Eating messy meals? Drinking Starbucks? Straying from their assigned seats whenever they feel like it?

    However, it’s the teachers who are willing to think outside the box that are seeing the best results with Gen Z. They’re a generation that spent a good chunk of their most formative years in COVID lockdown learning on laptop screens. They’re the first generation to have the kind of access to cell phones and social media that teens have today. And they’re at the bleeding edge of an age where AI can do all of your work for you even faster than a Google search.

    Keeping them engaged in the learning process is key, and it’s a battle. Crucially, Johnson’s classroom rules challenge kids in the ways that really matter. Being accountable to themselves and others, finishing their work independently, and having the autonomy to succeed or fail based on their own merit.

    Johnson may have left one thing off her list, however. She does care about her students, deeply. That much is obvoius.

  • 10 uncommon words that perfectly capture feelings that feel impossible to explain
    Photo credit: CanvaA woman looks out a window.
    ,

    10 uncommon words that perfectly capture feelings that feel impossible to explain

    When we have words for a feeling, it becomes easier to understand.

    Sometimes, explaining exactly how you feel can be hard. Sure, basic emotions like happy, sad, or angry are easy to name. But pinpointing the exact word for certain complex human emotions can be difficult. (And often, there isn’t an English word to convey those feelings.)

    But those with an expanded vocabulary (or access to a dictionary) can often procure uncommon words for these emotions, helping them feel more emotionally intelligent.

    On Reddit, people shared 10 of their favorite rare words that describe hard-to-explain feelings.

    Sonder

    “‘Sonder’ meaning the sudden realization that every random stranger you pass has a life as complex and messy as your own.” – ownaword

    Merriam-Webster defines sonder as “the realization and understanding that all other people have lives as complex as one’s own.”

    Sonder also has an interesting origin story. “The word was introduced by American author John Koenig in The Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows, a collection of words coined to describe feelings, emotional states, etc., for which the English language seems to lack a current word,” Merriam-Webster notes. “The dictionary was initiated as a website in 2009 and became a printed book in 2021.”

    Ennui

    “Ennui’s pretty well known, but not to everyone I guess. Ennui (pronounced ahn-WEE) is a noun defining a deep feeling of weariness, dissatisfaction, or listlessness caused by boredom or a lack of interest. It is more profound than simple boredom, often carrying an existential, ‘world-weary’ tone. Common synonyms include tedium, languor, apathy, and melancholy.” – nworbleinad

    Merriam-Webster defines ennui as a “feeling of weariness and dissatisfaction; boredom.”

    Eudaimonia

    “Eudaimonia – much deeper than the usually given surface definition of happiness or well-being, philosophically speaking it means the deep and persistent feeling of flourishing because you are living in accord with the true nature of your being, or that you are in alignment with your true purpose.” – TurangaLeela80

    Merriam-Webster defines eudaimonia as “well-being; happiness. Aristotelianism: a life of activity governed by reason.”

    Encyclopaedia Britannica expands on eudaimonia in reference to philosopher Aristotle, who wrote two ethical treatises (Nicomachean Ethics and Eudemian Ethics) that explore the concept: “For Aristotle, eudaimonia is the highest human good, the only human good that is desirable for its own sake (as an end in itself) rather than for the sake of something else (as a means toward some other end).”

    Frisson

    “I wasn’t aware of the term ‘frisson’ until very recently, but now it comes to mind all the time when I have the experience. It refers to the aesthetic chills one can get from some external stimuli that’s deeply stirring and pleasurable. I most often experience it during masterful solo musical performances.” – common_grounder

    Merriam-Webster defines frisson as “a sudden strong feeling or emotion.”

    Piquancy

    “Piquancy – the quality of being pleasantly stimulating or exciting.” – Putrid_Rock5526

    Merriam-Webster defines piquancy (the quality or state of being piquant) as “agreeably stimulating to the taste, especially: having a pleasantly pungent, sharp, or spicy taste; engagingly provocative or stimulating, having a lively and often mischievous charm.”

    Weltschmerz

    “Weltschmerz (Welt = world + Schmerz = pain) — the sadness and discouragement you feel when you look at the state of the world and it falls painfully short of how you wish it was.” – canarialdisease

    Merriam-Webster defines weltschmerz as “mental depression or apathy caused by comparison of the actual state of the world with an ideal state; a mood of sentimental sadness.”

    Weltschmerz first appeared in 1827. “The word weltschmerz initially came into being as a by-product of the European Romanticism movement of the late 18th and early 19th centuries,” Merriam-Webster explains. “A combining of the German words for ‘world’ (Welt) and ‘pain’ (Schmerz), weltschmerz aptly captures the melancholy and pessimism that often characterized the artistic expressions of the era.”

    @donhuely

    The Daily Word: Weltschmerz Definition: (noun) A weary or pessimistic feeling about life; an apathetic or vaguely yearning attitude. Sorrow that one feels and accepts as one’s necessary portion in life; sentimental pessimism. Performed by: Don Huely Written by: Don Huely with ChatGPT Edited by: Dougie McFallendar Physical and psychological therapist to Don Huely: Fergus O’Shaughnessy Music: Piano Concerto No. 2 in C Minor by Sergei Rachmaninoff & Fanfare for the Common Man by Aaron Copland #huely #wordoftheday #thedailyword #Dougie69mf #fergusOshay #Rachmaninoff #Weltschmerz #Copland @fergusoshay @dougie69mf

    ♬ original sound – Don Huely – Don Huely

    Anhedonia

    “Anhedonia: The inability to experience pleasure or a loss of interest or satisfaction in previously enjoyable activities.” – adulting4kids

    Merriam-Webster defines anhedonia as “a psychological condition characterized by inability to experience pleasure in normally pleasurable acts.”

    Numinous

    “Numinous: Describing an experience that is both awe-inspiring and spiritual.” – adulting4kids

    Merriam-Webster defines numinous as “supernatural, mysterious; filled with a sense of the presence of divinity; appealing to the higher emotions or to the aesthetic sense.”

    Torpor

    “Torpor: A state of physical or mental inactivity, lethargy, or apathy.” – adulting4kids

    Merriam-Webster defines torpor as “a state of mental and motor inactivity with partial or total insensibility; a state of lowered physiological activity typically characterized by reduced metabolism, heart rate, respiration, and body temperature that occurs in varying degrees especially in hibernating and estivating animals. Apathy, dullness.”

    Lachrymose

    “Lachrymose: Inclined to weep or cry easily, often describing a melancholic or tearful mood.” – adulting4kids

    Merriam-Webster defines lachrymose as “given to tears or weeping, tearful; tending to cause tears, mournful.”

  • One simple word makes children 30% more likely to cooperate. It works on adults, too.
    ,

    One simple word makes children 30% more likely to cooperate. It works on adults, too.

    Human psychology really isn’t that complicated, if you think about it.

    Human psychology really isn’t that complicated, if you think about it. Everybody wants to see themselves in a positive light. That’s the key to understanding Jonah Berger’s simple tactic that makes people 30% more likely to do what you ask. Berger is a marketing professor at the Wharton School of the University of Pennsylvania and the bestselling author of “Magic Words: What to Say to Get Your Way.”

    Berger explained the technique using a Stanford University study involving preschoolers. The researchers messed up a classroom and made two similar requests to groups of 5-year-olds to help clean up.

    One group was asked, “Can you help clean?” The other was asked, “Can you be a helper and clean up?” The kids who were asked if they wanted to be a “helper” were 30% more likely to want to clean the classroom. The children weren’t interested in cleaning but wanted to be known as “helpers.”

     

    Berger calls the reframing of the question as turning actions into identities.

    “It comes down to the difference between actions and identities. We all want to see ourselves as smart and competent and intelligent in a variety of different things,” Berger told Big Think. “But rather than describing someone as hardworking, describing them as a hard worker will make that trait seem more persistent and more likely to last. Rather than asking people to lead more, tell them, ‘Can you be a leader?’ Rather than asking them to innovate, can you ask them to ‘Be an innovator’? By turning actions into identities, you can make people a lot more likely to engage in those desired actions.”

    Berger says that learning to reframe requests to appeal to people’s identities will make you more persuasive.

    “Framing actions as opportunities to claim desired identities will make people more likely to do them,” Berger tells CNBC Make It. “If voting becomes an opportunity to show myself and others that I am a voter, I’m more likely to do it.”

    This technique doesn’t just work because people want to see themselves in a positive light. It also works for the opposite. People also want to avoid seeing themselves being portrayed negatively.

    “Cheating is bad, but being a cheater is worse. Losing is bad, being a loser is worse,” Berger says.

    The same tactic can also be used to persuade ourselves to change our self-concept. Saying you like to cook is one thing, but calling yourself a chef is an identity. “I’m a runner. I’m a straight-A student. We tell little kids, ‘You don’t just read, you’re a reader,’” Berger says. “You do these things because that’s the identity you hold.”

    Berger’s work shows how important it is to hone our communication skills. By simply changing one word, we can get people to comply with our requests more effectively. But, as Berger says, words are magic and we have to use them skillfully. “We think individual words don’t really matter that much. That’s a mistake,” says Berger. “You could have excellent ideas, but excellent ideas aren’t necessarily going to get people to listen to you.”

     

    This article originally appeared two years ago. It has been updated.

  • Mortified teacher accidentally called a student ‘sweetie,’ and folks swooped in to fix the damage
    Photo credit: CanvaA woman looks embarrassed in her classroom.

    Sometimes when we interact with people, we can fall into autopilot mode and say something we don’t mean. Case in point: when someone accidentally ends a professional call with “I love you,” as if they were talking to a spouse, instead of a formal goodbye—or when a student accidentally refers to their teacher as “mom.”

    The reason we sometimes feel like we’ve “zoned out” or acted without conscious effort is a psychological phenomenon known as automaticity. Automaticity can be very helpful when we’re doing complex tasks like catching a football or when we’re doing things that shouldn’t require much mental energy, such as brushing our teeth. However, when we’re on autopilot, we sometimes say silly things, and this teacher is a perfect example.

    woman slaps forehead, upset woman, embarrassed woman, woman green sweatshirt, facepalm
    A woman slapping her forehead. Photo credit: Canva

    A teacher’s incredibly embarrassing moment

    “I’m a high school teacher (44, been doing this for like 15 years) and today during 6th period, I was helping this kid, let’s call him Marcus, with a geometry proof,” the teacher explained in a now-deleted Reddit post. “He was really trying, you know? Had his pencil behind his ear, kept erasing, the whole thing. And when he finally got it, I just… I said, ‘There you go, sweetie!’”

    “The room went *silent*. Like that record-scratch moment you see in movies, except it was real and happening to my actual life,” the teacher explained. “Marcus just stared at me. I tried to recover with ‘I mean… good job, Marcus,’ but the damage was done. By the time the bell rang, I could hear them already talking about it in the hallway.”

    students, laughing students, high school, hallway, teenagers
    Students laughing. Photo credit: Canva

    Why did the teacher call the student “sweetie”?

    The teacher has a 12-year-old daughter they call “sweetie” approximately 600 times a day, so, of course, it was bound to slip out at some point. This time, it just happened to be to Marcus in geometry class. After the school day, the teacher was fraught with questions: “Do these things just blow over? Will Marcus ever make eye contact with me again?”

    The post received some funny responses and genuine encouragement.

    “It’s good to see there’s a teacher version of calling the teacher mom,” a commenter wrote.

    “I once called my English teacher Dad in an otherwise silent classroom. He was only 24, a strawberry blond, and he blushed,” another added.

    One commenter thought the teacher should take the Curb Your Enthusiasm approach:

    “Double down. Call more kids ‘sweetie.’ Now it’s normalized, and you haven’t humiliated just Marcus (or yourself). There’s a Curb Your Enthusiasm episode about this! Richard Lewis hits his new gf with a premature ‘honey’ and then predictably spirals when she’s weirded out and tries to overcompensate by calling everyone he sees ‘honey’ in front of her.”

    Finally, a lot of folks told the teacher everything would blow over

    “It will blow over,” a commenter wrote. “I don’t know where you’re from, but calling people little things like that is common everywhere, as far as I know. If a cashier said ‘thanks sweetie’ to me or something I would think literally nothing of it. Seems an overreaction from them. If one of them accidentally called you mum, they would get some banter for it, and then it would be forgotten about. Happens to us all!”

    The teacher’s story is a great reminder that we all go on autopilot sometimes and slip up, and there’s no need to feel too bad about it. But just be careful what you call your loved ones at home. It may be the next thing you call a coworker.

  • Millennial history teacher explains the 3 phases of Gen X and why they were ‘forgotten’
    Photo credit: via Canva/PhotosA cassette tape from the '80s.

    Generation X occupies an interesting time in history, for those who care to recognize that they actually exist. They were born between 1965 and 1980 and came into this world at an interesting inflection point: women were becoming a larger part of the workplace and divorce was at the highest point in history. This left Gen X to be the least parented generation in recent history.

    Gen X was overlooked in their domestic lives and culturally were overshadowed by Baby Boomers with their overpowering nostalgia for Woodstock, The Beatles, and every cultural moment celebrated in Forest Gump. Once Boomer navel-gazing nostalgia began to wane, a much larger and over-parented generation, the Millennials, came on the scene.

    “Whereas Boomers were the ‘me generation’ and millennials were the ‘me me me generation,’ Gen X has become the ‘meh’ generation,” Emily Stewart writes at Business Insider. But even if Gen X is a little aloof, that doesn’t mean they aren’t totally rad, awesome, trippindicular, and that it’d be bogus to define them any other way. To explain the unique history of Gen X and why they’re often overlooked, history teacher Lauren Cella created a timeline on TikTok to explain them to her Gen Z students.

    @laurencella92

    A love letter to Gen X from your millennial cousin? Gen X didn’t start the fire, so after this I will just leave them alone because they do not care ? But seriously for a generation that sometimes gets “forgotten” and stuck between the larger boomer or millennial cohorts, the genres they created paved the way for pop culture as we know it. I’m still not sure who let kids watch “The Day After” on TV or play on those hot metal playgrounds, but Gen X survived to tell the tale. Today, the so called “latchkey” kids, born 1965-1980 are actually super involved as parents, aunts, uncles, teachers (or maybe even grandparents)?. Kids today want to say they are “built different” but I think Gen X is the one holding down that title because they grew up tough, they saw too much, they made it out, and they know exactly who they are and wouldn’t have it any other way.✌️ g#genx

    ♬ original sound – laurencella

    In Cella’s video, she divides Gen X into three distinct phases.

    Phase 1: 1970s stagflation and changing families

    “Gas shortages meant stagflation. So parents either both had to work or maybe they were divorced. So that meant microwave TV dinners and kids that sort of raised themselves,” Cella explains. “There was no parenting blogs, there was no after-school travel sports, emailing. Like, none of that existed. Bored? Go outside.”

     

     

    Phase 2: The neon ‘80s

    “But then came the 1980s, where everything was big and loud. The hair, the bangs, the Reaganomics, mass consumerism (because now we can trade with China). The whole media just exploded,” Cella says. “But now we have TV, we have movies, we have TV, movies, home movies, TV movies, favorite TV movies, music, music, Videos, music, video, television. All these different genres and all these different cliques and all these different ways that you can express yourself.”

     

     

    Phase 3: 1990s post-Cold War Skepticism

    “Gen X sort of comes into the 1990s more sarcastic and skeptical,” Cella continues. “The Cold War ending meant that they rejected the excess of the eighties. And there’s the shift. Grunge, indie, alternative, flannels, Docs [Doc Martins]. At this point, the technology is also exploding, but not like fun home media, but like corporate media. So there’s this resistance to sell-out culture.”

     

     

    Cella has a theory on why Gen X seems forgotten, and it’s not just because CBS News famously denied its existence. She believes that it comes down to Gen X’s inability to call attention to itself. “So Gen X is a bridge between these two larger, more storied generations. So it’s not necessarily that they get forgotten. They don’t really want the attention. They’re kind of fine to just like, fly under the radar like they always have, because honestly, it’s whatever.”

    This article originally appeared last year. It has been updated.

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